tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69127485882015159332024-03-13T01:58:53.327-07:00Step By StepTamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.comBlogger82125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-68796003023355020822022-09-27T20:23:00.000-07:002022-09-27T20:23:40.752-07:00Live Like You Or Someone You Love Is Dying<p> I'm baaaaaaaaaack!!! Lucky you...I know you've just been itching for some new bathroom reading material. Can you believe it's been nearly 5 years since I last blogged!??! Soooo much has happened in that time and I will eventually fill you in. Brief rundown of the last 5 years....adopted a kid, got to introduce her to my grandparents, she and I survived Hurricane Michael, I got diagnosed with a non- cancerous brain tumor, treated that, Covid, grandparents died, adopted another kiddo, and got diagnosed with endometrial cancer the day before my 46 birthday, which was a little over a month ago. Like I said, eventually a blog will happen to address these but right now I have something else on my heart which is time sensitive, only because I feel like I need to say it NOW rather than later. And I'm having surgery tomorrow so I might not be on top of my game for a few days.</p><p>Let's dive right on in, shall we?! This is what is on my mind-</p><p>Are you living like you're dying? Like someone you love is dying? </p><p>I have a friend currently on palliative care. He has colon cancer and his time on earth is short. Praise God he knows Jesus and will receive the ultimate healing but that doesn't mean he will be any less missed or grieved. I've been thinking about him constantly since I was updated on his condition. I want to talk to him constantly and tell him how much I love him. We've been friends since we were tweens and known each other longer than that. I don't remember meeting him. He was just always there. I want to talk to him and tell him how much I love his smile, even in the midst of his pain, how I love his devotion to his family, his sense of humor, his wit. As life does, distance and life came between us, different paths, different dreams, but we've managed to stay in touch via Facebook. We don't chat all the time, hardly ever really. I'm not sure we've talked on the phone since we were 16 years old. Why do I suddenly feel compelled to call him all the time right now??? The answer is simple....I know my time of being able to do so is limited. I know that if I don't tell him how much I care for him now, how proud I am of him now, I may not be able to later. </p><p>How many times have you said I love you to someone and had the "luxury" of knowing it would be the last time? When I last called my grandfather, I knew it would be the last time I got a chance to say I love you, I've learned so much from you, I'm grateful for you. </p><p>What if you don't have the luxury of knowing when the last time you see someone will be? When is your last day alive going to be? Will your kids know how proud you are? How much you love them? Does your mom know? Does your neighbor with the awesome smile know how much they brighten your day with their wave at the mailbox? </p><p>The fact is....we're all dying, from the moment we're born. The days of our life are numbered (Job 14:5). We may not have the knowledge of when that end may come, but rest assured, it's coming. When you have cancer all of a sudden you become keenly aware of that, regardless of prognosis. Are you saying what needs to be said to the folks you love and care about? Are you asking forgiveness? Granting forgiveness, even when they don't ask for it? Telling your parents thanks for all you did? Are you doing things that need to be done? I don't mean like dishes and laundry. Are you loving and living to the fullest, intentionally?</p><p>Why did I not tell my friend more often over the years how much he encourages me? Why did I wait until he's sick and on hospice care? Would it have been that hard over the years to actually pick up the dang phone and call? How often do I call my parents? When was the last time I talked to my brothers? That friend who is always there for me, have I called her to say thanks? I love my husband with all that is in me and am so grateful for all he's done for me for these last 26 years. Have I told him so?</p><p>Are you waiting for the perfect time to go on a family vacation? Waiting to pursue that degree? How many times have I said "I'll call them tomorrow". What if tomorrow never comes?? (Yeah I know....That's a Tim McGraw AND a Garth Brooks reference in the same blog-sue me. No, not you Tim and Garth...I do not have that kind of cash)</p><p>Truth be told, when we go to bed at night, there is no guarantee we'll wake the next morning. What are you leaving unsaid or undone? Has someone encouraged you? Tell them! Do they have a quality that radiates good to all those around them? Tell them! What are you waiting for? Tell them while they're alive. Tell them while you're alive! Don't wait until everybody gathers for a funeral to talk to others about how much you loved the person or how much you appreciated them. Don't wait until you have regrets about not saying it to their face. Say it today. Call them now (well maybe be courteous of time zones...or not. Your call)</p><p>Live every day like you, or they, are dying. Quite frankly, we all are. LIVE and LOVE to the fullest!!</p>Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-30634344269121685982017-12-22T15:58:00.000-08:002017-12-22T15:58:22.278-08:00Lost And FoundHi....Remember me? I can't believe it's been 2 years since I wrote my last blog. To say my last foster kiddo kept me busy would be the understatement of the decade. We picked him up from the hospital at 6 weeks of age. He returned to his mother 2 weeks after his 2nd birthday. He and I went thru a lot, to say the least.....a lot of crying together, a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of gas, teething, diaper rash remedies, gut issues, some sensory issues....just a LOT of stuff. When he did sleep, so did I. Somewhere in there I managed to still do all the usual household stuff. The second his eyes opened, he was on the move. He moved ALL the time, even in his sleep. I imagine somewhere down the line he'll be diagnosed with ADHD or something along those lines. He kept me BUSY!! He was my most challenging kiddo (that stayed with us) and I love him with every fiber of my being. He's been gone for almost 3 months now and I can't think about him without crying. We've been fortunate enough that his mom still lets us see him. I struggle with if that's really what's best for him? or selfishly is it best for us? My heart is broken. I miss him. I mourning the loss of him. <br />
During his time with us, we got a call about taking an "almost legally free" 9 month old. The kids were 5 months apart in age. It was really tough to have "twins" but just enough developmental difference that they weren't twins. We finally got a routine down and had our groove. Cliff is the best partner for me on this crazy train. <br />
During this time, my mother in law moved in with us. Two weeks later Bud left. It's been such a challenging few months. So many emotions from that and now, after a looooooooong year, Baby Girl is finally really legally free and we're starting the adoption process. I'm going to FINALLY LEGALLY OFFICIALLY be a mother. <br />
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So why do I feel so lost?? I'm finally on the path to being who I wanted to be. Why do I feel like I've lost who I am? I used to be compassionate. I cared about everyone and every thing. I feel like foster care has ruined the person I used to be. I'm angry. I'm depressed. I'm sad. I'm severely short tempered. That's not who I usually am. Is it possible to lose yourself and find yourself at the same time?? This is not the mom I want to be. This is not the mommy my daughter deserves. She deserves a mom who has not been jaded by the system. She deserves the mom I was 5 years ago. The one who was excited about the future, not the one who is terrified of it. I hate that we missed so much of her first year. I hate that I didn't get to bring her home from the hospital. I hate that I have all this baby stuff to get rid of that I never got to use for MY baby. I hate that I'll never have a baby shower with the tiny pink frills and bows. I hate that I lost a year of my daughter's life because of foster care....but then, that's what brought her to us. I feel like I've lost my nurturing self. All the kids I've nurtured for the last nearly 5 years have been taken away, so what's the point?...she thought selfishly. I feel like such a different person than I used to be and not for the better. How can I love my daughter to the full extent she deserves when I'm so brokenhearted? Will my heart ever get back to what I used to be? In years past, I fell in love so easily. I've written about how holding my best friend's firstborn son, showed me I could instantly love a child I didn't give birth to. I was so sure I could adopt and love a child I didn't carry. I instantly fell in love with SweetPea and Bud (the baby boy referenced earlier). Why am I having such a difficult time falling in love with the child who is supposed to be mine forever? I'm sure much of it has to do with all the delays we experienced with her case this year. I know I was guarding my heart against heartache, since nothing was for sure and we'd just lost the little guy who had been with us for so long. And then there's the fact that she's so much like me....I'm like "well crap, better start saving now for therapy". She deserves a mom who isn't so sad and heartbroken. I want to be excited about her adoption, rather than scared. I want so desperately to enjoy the holidays with this child who will be ours. I want to feel that joy of being able to announce we're officially parents. Can joy come from a broken heart? I want to get back to who I used to be....but still be who I am. Is that possible??<br />
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<br />Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-51868799149824299202015-09-24T18:54:00.000-07:002015-09-24T20:25:49.441-07:00Confessions of a Foster MomBeing a foster mom is hard, the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't want to do it again. I never wanted to be a foster mom. I don't want to spend my life taking care of someone else's child. I didn't get in to this for the "ministry" of it. I never felt "called" to foster. I'm confused why God would take someone who so desperately wants a child of their own, and make them take care of kids, born to people who in some cases should never be having children, and then make her give them up....repeatedly. Sometimes I'm angry about it. Mostly, it just saddens me. The system sucks. Foster parents are lied to, misinformed, and sometimes unintentionally ill-informed. You get your heart broken repeatedly, and yet you do it again...and again. "Good" parenting is relative. The state does not have the same standards for parenting that you do. It is a struggle, even during those times when you don't have a child in your home.<br />
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These past 2 1/2 years have been a struggle. I fell totally in love with our first kiddo, even knowing she would never be "ours". We knew it was temporary but couldn't help it. I spent most of the time scared to death because of how sick she was. She became healthier and then she was gone. Then came the second round of kids. I was scared to fall in love again, so I didn't. Of course the little boy wasn't with us long enough for me to develop any kind of relationship with but his sister was with us for 202 days. I took care of her when she was sick with pneumonia, rushed her to the hospital, got her caught up on vaccinations, all that mommy stuff. I couldn't let myself fall in love with her. I cared for her a great deal but I couldn't deal with that heartbreak again. In the moment, you just DO. You're a mom. You do what needs to be done; doctor appointments, diaper changes, bathtimes, meals. You secretly love the pats on the back and the compliments from people who don't know what else to say. "Regular" moms don't get that. No one calls them heroes or angels. No one tells them they're amazing. Who doesn't like to hear "Wow, you're awesome!", "I could never do that", "you're an angel"? I loved the feeling I got when people would say nice things and make me feel like what I was doing was just so incredible. I was a rockstar!! <br />
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I....was a fraud.<br />
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I am a woman who wants so badly to be a mother that I'm willing to live under false pretenses of being this hero, rockstar person, taking care of someone else's child simply to hear a little one call me mommy. I'm not a foster mom because it was my intention to minister to these children. I didn't become a foster mom to mentor someone else in how to be a better parent. I got into this with the hopes that somewhere along the line someone would fail and I would be able to adopt their child. I'm not a foster mom because I'm so good and strong. I'm a foster mom because I'm selfish and weak.<br />
All of this and in spite all these wrong reasons, it still feels like what I'm supposed to do. Like I said, I do NOT want to. After declaring that we wouldn't take any more kids in unless they were legally free and potentially adoptable, Cliff and I have, or more specifically, God has decided that we will. We will continue to foster until God calls us home or makes it crystal clear that we're done. For some reason, God put us in a house with extra bedrooms, with the means for me to stay home, and a heart to take care of kids whose parents can't for one reason or another. We don't know why God has brought us here. I'm reminded of Esther in the Bible. Her cousin told her, (Tamra's paraphrase) "help will come from somewhere else, but maybe you were made queen for such a time as this". I know there are other foster parents out there. There are other people who can take care of foster children, but who knows? Maybe I was made a foster mom, for such a time as this.<br />
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I don't want to love, lose and hurt again, but I will. Even though I don't feel "called", clearly I am. Your prayers are greatly appreciated as we prepare our house and hearts for more kiddos.<br />
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<br />Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-1917401203574066202015-02-16T00:41:00.001-08:002015-02-16T00:41:31.143-08:00Picking Up Where I Left Off<p dir="ltr">Soooooo yeeeaaahhh again it's been a while. LOTS going on! Let me see if I can catch up.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>Sweet</b><b> Pea</b><br>
Back in October our little Sweet Pea had surgery to remove part of her lung. That was such a difficult thing to go thru.  There just aren't even words...  even now I think back to that morning and my heart starts pounding as I picture the other half of my heart being prepped for surgery.  Thankfully she's young enough she was oblivious to what was about to happen to her.  I wish I could've been like that.  I'm so grateful for our pastor who came to the hospital to pray with us as she was being prepped.  I know his prayers aren't any more powerful than mine but at least I didn't have to try to form the words that were screaming from my heart.  Sweet Pea went into surgery as her mom, mom's aunt and grandma,  cliff and I waited. I'm so grateful her mom allowed cliff and I to be there. After surgery, the doctor said her lung was so bad she could tell just from the outside of the portion they removed how damaged it was. <br>
They allowed 2 of us at a time to be with her in the PICU. Mom's aunt said "well I think the moms should get to see her first". I almost cried. That gesture of her referring to me as Sweet Pea's mom touched my heart in a way I can't describe. Her mom and I went into the room. We walked into the hospital room to find our little girl writhing on the bed, so many tubes and wires, crying pitifully "ooowwwie...all done....all done." We both started crying. Seeing her like that was too much to bear. The nurses assured us that she wasn't in any pain but that she was confused as she was coming out of the effects of the anesthesia.   I'm calling BS on that one. Knowing how cliff felt when he had a similar surgery, I'm sure she was pretty dang uncomfortable.  We took turns rotating shifts in the room. Other than seeing baby girl like that, the most heartbreaking thing was seeing my husband cry at the site of her.<br>
At one point, the nurses asked us to step out  so they could do a chest xray on her. Cliff and I stepped in to the hallway. As they were positioning her for the xray, she and I made eye contact and she again started crying "owie...all done mama...all done".  Even now it brings me to tears.  I stood there sobbing and this woman, speaking very broken English,  touched my arm and said "she'll be ok. Just trust her to Jesus. She'll be ok". <br>
Few things will put you in a constant state of prayer like your kiddo having body parts surgically removed. I don't know if I've ever prayed in my whole life as much as I did those 4 days in the hospital.  <br>
Which brings me to this...thank you to Mom D for letting me stay with you during that time.  I am so very glad I could still be there for you and Sweet Pea. <br>
The first night Mom D and I each took turns sleeping on the fold out couch while the other slept in the super uncomfortable chair by baby's bedside.  The next night we were finally comfortable enough (or exhausted enough) that we shared the couch. Those 4 days were spent trying to entertain a toddler, convince her to eat the hospital food, and keeping wires untangled (virtually impossible on a 20 month old by the way) and hoses unkinked. Pain management was interesting.  One of the pain meds they tried made her super hyper so we ended up having a midnight dance party one night. It was nuts. I'm pretty sure she drank her weight in chocolate milk but at least she was getting something.  Hospital food was not to her liking. As she began to feel better it became harder to keep her chest tube from kinking up. There was a limit on the amount of fluid they wanted her to be putting out before they would pull the tube. Once the tube was gone she could go home.  The last night there her acrobatics ended up pinching off the tube. In a way, this showed the doctor she no longer needed it.  They pulled the tube and it was like taking a wild dog off a leash. She was all....over...the...place!!! Running all over, climbing on stuff, 4 days after major surgery!  I tell you, the resilience of a child is truly remarkable. She was given a clean bill of health at her post op appointment and has been doing so well. <br>
We've had the chance to see her a few times since her return home. She and her mom came to our family Christmas gathering. It was so nice to be able to see her during the holidays! <br>
Though we miss her terribly,  we're so thankful for the times we've been able to see her. <br>
As we've had opportunity to get to know her mom a little better, we've grown to love her too.  She's just as much family to us as our little Sweet Pea is. This whole experience with their family has been amazing and truly what foster care should be, partnering with the parents, and all for the good of the child. </p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>New Kids</b><br>
After Sweet Pea went home, we had told our agency we wanted a little break. We had just moved. The crib wasn't even put together, boxes everywhere...and we were grieving the loss of our first placement.  Cliff's mom was in the midst of chemo treatments.  My mom was scheduled for knee replacement surgery right before Thanksgiving.  We had A LOT going on. Our first week in our new home the agency called us twice about taking new placements. Every call from the agency is life changing.  Whether you take the child or not, you still think about that kid and wonder what's going on with them.  We had to say no to those two placements but then they called again. Things were still crazy for us but for some reason we didn't say no to these kids.  It was a brother (alias "chrysanthemum/chrys" 3 years old) and sister (alias "Lily" 15 months old) needing a home.  Thus began the longest 2 weeks and 6 days of my life. <br>
The little boy, who we had been told was "high energy", had some pretty significant behavioral issues on top of the "high energy". He wasn't potty trained yet, knew no colors, letters, or numbers.  Right away I started with potty training.  I know probably not the best thing to try for a kid in such turmoil and upheaval but is was pretty hard for me to change his diaper given his size...not to mention how yuck they could be. I began teaching him his ABCs while we washed hands after going potty.  We counted our fruit loops in the morning at breakfast. By the time he left our home he was partly potty trained, knew some of the alphabet and could count to 3....MAJOR accomplishments on his part.  As he became more comfortable in our home it became clear that he was not used to boundaries or structure. He had zero respect for me and was violent. When he was put in time out I was called names a 3 year old should not even know.  I was hit and kicked hard enough to leave bruises. It was awful. I was unable to run errands as it would end with this child calling me vulgar names in walmart or with him running from me as I tried to get everybody in the car.  Cliff came home from work on multiple occasions to find me bawling. I was so beat down all....day....long...by a 3 year old!!<br>
We struggled with trying to understand where he had come from and why he behaved this way. It quickly became clear that he needed more than we could give him. Sometimes love isn't enough. We ended up requesting an emergency removal for him the night before Thanksgiving.  We still have his little sister with us. She's doing really well. She is a sweet little girl whose vocabulary is expanding every day. She loves to dance and loves for Cliff to give her kisses when he gets home from work. As soon as she hears the garage open, she starts puckering up and saying "muah". She loves being the center of attention and is just thriving.   She has her moments like any 18 month old. We have to walk around the house as she points out all the no-nos just to make sure they're still off limits. <br>
The other day she got a hold of the cable remote and did something so that it wouldn't work. I got down on the floor in front of the cable box to try to figure it out. I manually turned off the cable box (something she gets a time out for). She leaned over me, pointed at the cable box, shakes her head and very sternly says "noooo-noooo!!"  She's a little goofball and makes us laugh. </p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>New Sprout</b><br>
Keeping with the euphemism where all of the kids who come to us have flower nicknames and they're new to our "garden", we got a call about a new little sprout. Well, let me back up...i have been increasingly frustrated at the fact that we still haven't found our forever child. Feeling like it will never happen going through foster care, i talked to cliff about pursuing an open adoption outside of the foster care system. We decided to go ahead and start trying to find a birthmom on our own. The next day we get a call from our agency. This little girl is needing a new home and it is an adoption situation. If we took her in, we would be fostering her until we were able to adopt her.  Mind= Blown! Are you kidding me? ! Is this for real? ! We got pertinent information about her. I contacted her current foster mom and we made arrangements to meet the baby. As the meeting approached, I began to have a slight breakdown. I became flooded with all of these emotions, the greatest being fear. I texted my sweet friend Beth, who has adopted her son. She called me back and listened and encouraged me as I cried my way through my emotions. Cliff asked why i called Beth. I began to tear up and explained how I was feeling. (Partially? jokingly) he says "so you're gonna cry about it?" I said "see now THAT's why I called Beth!" Ugh...men :P<br>
So Saturday night we went and spent the evening with the family and met this beautiful 10 month old, little girl. It was a nice evening and we had a good time. Cliff and I got home and discussed taking her. We had prayed about it for days. I had prayed that I would know if she was "our" baby. Sadly, neither of us felt like we're the family for her. Do you have any idea how hard it is to call someone and tell them you "don't want" their baby? Ugh it sucks! We absolutely weren't rejecting her. It was <u>just</u> clear to us that God was saying "nope. Not that one". I have to say as hard as it was to make that decision, I feel like it was the best for all involved.<br>
I'm not sure if it's a luxury or curse that we get to "try out" kids before we decide to adopt them. It's just a crazy, weird feeling. I don't know if I could explain it if I tried. </p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>Lily</b><br>
The day after we got the call about the possible adoption, we received another call from our agency telling us that Lily may be moving soon. The family that has her brother has requested that he be moved in order for him to receive the attention and services he needs. Since the state tries to keep siblings together, Lily will be included in that request. If the state is not able to find a home that can take both kids it is possible she may stay with us. Right now we just don't know!</p>
<p dir="ltr">So now you're all caught up!<br>
*whew* that was quite an update. Sorry it was so long. Hopefully, it won't be so long in between updates next time! </p>
<p dir="ltr">Thank you to everyone who is supporting us in our journey to find our forever family. Your prayers and shoulders to cry on are very much appreciated.</p>
Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-27487756084387825842014-09-26T20:40:00.002-07:002014-09-26T20:40:48.108-07:00Prayer RequestedI feel like so much has been happening that I'm not even sure where to start! <div>
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First, we finally got in to the new house!! Yay!! We've moved into the new house and spent the last week or so getting the old house "rent ready". Lots of paint, some new flooring and no less than 10 trips to Lowes and Home Depot. I'm finally happy with it and comfortable with strangers living in "my" house. It actually looks really nice now. Though it only took 5 sentences to say this, it has taken up 98% of our time for the last 2 weeks or so.</div>
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It's been 2 weeks and 2 days since Sweet Pea officially returned to her family. I met up with her mother at court. I was unfamiliar with the process so I followed her lead. She signed in on a clipboard. I asked the officer sitting there if I needed to sign in as well. He asked what I was there for and I said " a hearing for my foster daughter". He said "are the parents here?" I said "yes that was mom who just signed in". He scrunched up his face "Did y'all come together??". I told him that no we just met up in the parking lot. He says "but still...you guys are here together? That doesn't usually happen. I guess that IS in the best interest of the child though..." You could tell he was totally confused by our amicability. It saddens me to think that our situation is so unusual. Why can't parents (foster and bio) work together for the good of the child?! They aren't property to be won. They aren't pawns to be toyed with. I don't understand why it has to be so difficult for some.</div>
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We've had the good fortune to be able to see Sweet Pea a couple of times since her return, as she has had a few doctor appointments. In late August she had her follow up with her pulmonary specialist. Unfortunately, the follow up chest xray indicated there was still something of concern in her lung. The pulmonary doctor ordered a chest cat scan to see if we could get a better look at what was going on. The CT scan was done the day after she returned home to her mom. Because of my knowledge of her medical history, her mother asked me to go along. Sweet Pea would need to be sedated and that frightened both of us. Together we wait as they are prepping to sedate her for the CT. Her mom holds her while the doctor administers the medication to make her go to sleep. She drifts off and the doctor takes her, places her limp body on the imaging table and her mom and I both start crying. It was just a bit much for us. We went back to the prep room to wait in silence. I anticipated that it would take up to a week to get the results. I knew that it wasn't an "urgent" issue and there would likely be no rush. That afternoon the pulmonary doctor called. There are cysts in her lungs that take up a good portion of one lung. They contribute to infection (like all of the respiratory issues she had when she came to us) and if left long term can turn cancerous. Whoa! Wait a minute?! CANCEROUS?!? The pulmonary doctor recommended surgical removal as soon as possible (before cold and flu season hits). Her mom called me. "What do you think we should do?". I tried very hard to not lead her into me making the decision. This was her child now and moms have to make decisions like this. At the same time, I couldn't help but think how scary it must be for her. She's been a full time mom for less than 24 hours at this point and they're talking about cutting her kid open. I'd be looking for guidance too! So we talked and both agreed that we didn't want Sweet Pea to be that sickly kid who gets pneumonia every time the sniffles go around at school nor do we want her to have to endure chemo or radiation later in life should the cysts turn cancerous. I told her mom "We can always go have the surgical consult and discuss it. We're not agreeing to the surgery right now. We're just getting more information and more information doesn't hurt anything". I offered to go with her again and the next week we met with the surgeon. She explained the cysts were likely something that occurred when Sweet Pea was being formed in the womb. She reassured her mother "It's nothing you did. It just happened". She showed us the scan of Sweet Pea's lung. When they had said "cysts" I had imagined like little teeny fish egg sized cysts. Nope...these are full on large grape sized cysts in her little bitty lungs. They start at the bottom of the lobe and branch up into the upper part of one of her lungs. The surgical option? Remove 1/2 to 3/4 of the lung. Um WHAT!? I thought we were just talking about removing the cysts!! Now we're talking about removing most of her lung?!?!? Her mom and I kind of looked at each with the same look of horror and fear. We both cried. The surgeon is AMAZING though. She was so good at explaining what would take place that we really couldn't think of any questions to ask. I kept wondering if we were missing some aspect. Removing half a lung...I feel like I should question SOMETHING! The doctor left the room and gave her mom and I a chance to talk. We decided we'd go ahead and schedule the surgery. We wanted it over and done with. We don't want a ticking time bomb left to go off whenever her body so chooses. She's young and resilient. She'll recover more quickly at this age and God willing won't remember much of it (I hope). We are scared to death. They are cutting our baby open and removing most of one of her vital organs. We had a hard enough time when they sedated her for the cat scan!! I can only imagine what we'll be like when they take her for surgery. I remember when Cliff had his lung surgery and what that entailed. I hate to think of my little Sweet Pea having to endure that. The doctor said that she would be in the hospital for a minimum of 3 days but we should plan on a week just in case. Her mom invited both Cliff and I to be there and of course we will be. </div>
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Because of her doctor appointments we've been able to see Sweet Pea once a week since her return home. I think it's a good transition for all involved. My job has shifted from being the best mom I can be for Sweet Pea to helping her mother be the best mom she can be. I've told her that Cliff and I will always be available to help her out (within reason). If you think of us at all in the coming week, specifically on the 1st, your prayers are greatly desired and appreciated. </div>
Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-41670484603715560732014-09-03T23:34:00.001-07:002014-09-03T23:34:30.932-07:00I Miss Her<p dir="ltr">I miss her SO much.  <br>
During the day, when she's gone to her visits, I can keep myself busy getting stuff ready to move. I can pack or paint or whatever.   Come 8pm when I settle down for the evening and would normally be putting her to bed, is when it hits.  Then when I go to bed and I can't hear her breathing or music in the baby monitor, I begin to cry. Like right this minute, I can't stop. I can barely see to type this out. I would rather stay awake all night than toss and turn in the silence. <br>
Her visits have gone to 4 overnights for the next 2 weeks until court. Basically,  we get her for this next weekend (just the 2 days) then pending the outcome of court she'll return to her family.  <br>
The silence is deafening.  Her absence is heartbreaking and most painful. How do foster parents do this multiple times? !<br>
We talk about her almost as if she has died. "Remember when she..." or "just the other day she....". We laugh.  We cry. We miss her so very much.<br>
We signed papers for the new house today. We lamented about how Sweet Pea wouldn't be able to move to the new house with us.  Tonight,  as I sit missing her,  I wonder if that's better for her.  Will it make transition easier for her if she comes to visit us in the new house rather than coming back the house that she lived in for so long?  Will the change of scenery be less confusing for her...or more confusing?  I don't know. <br>
All I know is right now my arms are empty. ..again. My heart is sad...again. I'm crying myself to sleep...again.<br>
I know there are so many kids in foster care who need a loving, safe place to stay but I really don't know how many times I can do this. I knew this would be hard but you never know just how difficult until you're in the midst of it. <br>
Is the pain worth it? Dare I say? Absolutely. <br></p>
Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-35046085458861758172014-08-29T14:55:00.001-07:002014-09-18T09:35:38.237-07:00The Dance<p dir="ltr">I knew the day would come. Unfortunately,  that doesn't make this any easier.  We knew going in to this that Sweet Pea wouldn't be staying forever and now the time is upon us for her return home.  Of course, we're grateful that she is able to go home but our hearts and our home now have a void that just can't be explained. <br>
When I was in high school, Garth Brooks had a song called "The Dance ".  Not until recently have the lyrics been echoing through my mind. <br>
I could have gone this past 18 months without the "joys" of parenthood like teething,  sleepless nights, frightening trips to the urgent care, breathing treatments,  diaper rashes, etc. But then I would've had to miss my first mother's day,  first family portraits, planning the first birthday party and the first time putting out cookies for Santa.  I could have gone the rest of my life without scooping poop out of the tub...twice, but then I might have missed all the fun of soapy hairdos,  bubble beards, and her giggles when she would splash me or pour water on my head.  I could have gone without the pain of packing up her little suitcase but I would have missed out on all the shopping for cute little pink frilly outfits. I could've done without packing up all of her toys and books but then I would've missed out on all the block towers built and all the stories we read together.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I could have gone the rest of my life never knowing the heartache of saying " goodbye" to her but I would have missed the immeasurable joy of saying " hi" to her one April evening. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I could've missed the pain but then I'd have had to miss the dance. <br><br></p>
Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-90000149977783185682014-08-21T20:34:00.001-07:002014-08-21T20:34:54.208-07:00Brief Update<p dir="ltr">A couple of updates from today...</p>
<p dir="ltr">1) Sweet Pea had a follow up appointment with her pulmonary doctor today. For those not aware, she had severe respiratory problems when she came to us.  At an appointment last November,  she had a chest xray that showed an abnormality.  It was thought to be scar tissue from all the respiratory infections, some sort of cyst or  possibly a genetic anomaly that she was born with.  At the time, the doctor felt safe waiting to follow up in 9 months which brings us to today.   Sweet Pea had another xray today that indicated there's been no improvement.  The problem is if there's a cyst of some sort it can get infected and lead to serious problems. It would need to be surgically removed.  The doctor has recommended a cat scan of her chest to try determine more clearly what is in her lung.  She will need to be sedated for this which frightens the crap out of me! Please pray that the cat scan will give definitive answers and that whatever is in her lung  will not require surgery.<br>
Sweet Pea update #2<br>
Things are definitely on track for her to return to her family very soon. We met with the social worker today and the date we've been given is between September 10 and 12th approximately. Yes I've been crying most of the afternoon.  Yes I will likely burst into tears if you give me the "I'm sorry" look or if you hug me. This is your fair warning.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Prayers are greatly appreciated for the coming weeks as we face the challenge of letting her go.</p>
Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-42945395376987137172014-08-15T11:25:00.000-07:002014-08-15T11:25:24.435-07:00God Is GreaterWhen I say we've had a lot going on lately, I mean it. I don't mean "boy today was busy. I had to do laundry AND dishes today". Our lives have been crazy busy with a LOT of major life events....and they're all happening at once.<br />
Let's see...since my last writing we had a mini family reunion with my cousins from Alaska. It was a lot of fun to hang out and visit. I was sad to see them go. There's been talk of making it an annual thing so I look forward to seeing them next summer too!<br />
We finally found a house!! My mind has been swirling with organizing things financially so we can afford to move and I've also been mentally organizing things as I pack and unpack (mentally) and decide what to take and where to put stuff in the new house. This has literally kept me awake at night. We've decided to rent out our current home so our mind set has changed from selling the house "AS IS" to doing minor repairs needed in order to rent it out. <br />
In addition to buying a new house and moving, another major life event has occurred and my mother in law has been diagnosed with multiple myeloma, cancer of the blood cells. It was likely brought on by all the chemo and radiation she had the last time she had cancer about 10 years ago. The initial diagnosis was very difficult for all of us as we were not sure of the prognosis. However, we are more hopeful now as she is doing chemo to help treat it. All of the kids have split the chores (housecleaning, yard work, etc) and take turns taking her to doctor appointments, trying to help her out. Please keep her (and us!) in your prayers.<br />
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Next...Sweet Pea.... Her transition home is going smoothly (so far). She has 2 overnight visits a week with her family and it seems to be going well. It won't be long before she is home with her family permanently. Although this is what being a foster parent is and this is what we strive for, our hearts are broken that we are "losing" our little girl. Every time I drop her off for her visit, it is all I can do to make it to the car before I start bawling. This week, as I dropped her off for her 2 night visit, I started bawling before her mother had even made it to the front door. Then I cried the whole time I did dishes once I got home, and if I took too long of a break from packing. The house is so quiet when she's not here. I've known the quiet of a childless home for too long and do not look forward to that again. When she is here, there is literally the pitter patter of little feet as she's discovered the awesome sound her feet make as she stomps them on the hardwoods. She's filled our lives with so much laughter and joy. She is truly a "Daddy's girl". She knows Cliff would move heaven and earth for her. I think she loves having him wrapped around her little finger.<br />
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In addition to losing our Sweet Pea, I cry for another little girl. A couple of weeks ago we received a call from our agency about a baby who had been born prematurely whose mother wanted to relinquish her rights. At the time of the call, the baby was 3 days old, 3.2lbs and in the NICU at the hospital. Since we had told our agency that we wanted the next child we take to be one that we can adopt, and since Sweet Pea will be transitioning home soon, they called us. With heavy hearts, we felt we had to say no. Our reasons sound so lame as I type them out (buying the house, moving, mom's diagnosis and doctor's appointments, Sweet Pea transitioning home), but these are all major things going on in our lives. I don't know where I would've been able to fit in trips to the NICU to visit this baby. If you know me, you KNOW how hard it was for me to say no to a baby who is having such a rough start to life. I just know I could love her to health. It kills me to think of this baby "unwanted" in an incubator somewhere. I have to trust that there was another family meant to have her and can devote the time and attention she needs right now and not in a month when I would have a little less going on. I think about her every day and wonder how she is doing.<br />
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It has been a really rough couple of weeks for me. I'm either on the verge of tears or crying all the time lately. I struggle to remember that I don't have to do it all, I don't have to do it alone and I don't have to save the world. It breaks my heart but it's ok that we said no. I know God has a plan for us. He has plan for Sweet Pea and for that little baby in the NICU. My God is greater than my pain and heartache.<br />
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Some days I feel like I'm barely holding it together and some (most) days I just can't and I cry....and that's ok too.Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-7955315089554968962014-06-27T11:05:00.002-07:002014-06-27T13:19:34.593-07:00Thin Line Between Love and HateLet's see...it's been a couple weeks. Guess I should put out an update ;)<br />
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We still haven't found THE house. We've gone and looked at a few and are pretty certain of what we DON'T want in a house! It's so frustrating at times. It's like when I would get money for my birthday and go shopping for new clothes. If I didn't have money I could find things for daaaaays that I would want to add to my wardrobe. Got money? Nothing fits or I can't find anything I like. Same thing with the house hunt. The floor plans I'm drawn to are of houses built on a piece of land the size of a postage stamp. The houses in our price range are not the floor plan I want. Is it too much to ask for a nice house on a nice little piece of land? I don't need acres of property but come on. One house we looked at, the back yard consisted of the patio and a medium sized swingset. That's it. No grass in between the two. It'd be nice to have a little bit of a yard to play games, have friends over, whatever. The good news is we're not homeless so we can afford to be picky when it comes to a new house. I guess again, my patience will be tested.</div>
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Now...the whole foster parent thing... Some days I really struggle with what that means. As far as my heart is concerned, I am Sweet Pea's mom. I stayed up all hours of the night when she was so sick. There were nights when I listened for her breathing because I was so scared it would stop, trips to the doctor and ER, medications tracked and dispensed, snotty noses and poopy butts to be wiped, tears to be wiped away and hugs to be given, oh and teething, Lord we can't forget about the teething! I've been there for all of that. I've done all the things that moms do....but I'm not her mother. I'm taking care of her until her mother gets back on her feet. My head knows this but in my heart she'll always be MY little girl. There has been progress and Sweet Pea will soon begin having overnight visits with her family. This is both wonderful and frightening for me. I am so happy that her mother is making this progress. I am happy that it looks like there will be reunification. That is the job of the foster parent, to take care of the child until reunification or some sort of reconciliation happens. At times, I want to hate her mother, but really I feel sorry for her. I want to be judgmental and hate her for what Sweet Pea has gone through and what she'll have to go through with the transition home. At the same time, my heart breaks for this woman who is having to deal with the fact that someone else is doing all the "mom things" with her child. It saddens me that her mother was reminded, "You'll need to brace yourself for when she stays the night and might cry for mommy...you are not who she is crying for". It breaks my heart to 1) think of how that must feel for her, for her child to call another woman mommy and 2) to think of Sweet Pea crying for mommy and me not being there for her. I want to hate her for that, but for Sweet Pea's sake I need to love her. I need to love her and show her Jesus' love for her. I need to show compassion and understanding. I feel like so many people have made assumptions about her mother and this path we are all on. I had one doctor refer to Sweet Pea as a "little crack baby". That is NOT accurate at all. She is not the reason Sweet Pea was so sick when she came to us. It's wrong to assume that Sweet Pea is a "drug baby" and her mother does not deserve to get her back.</div>
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I guess God has always blessed (cursed?) me with a love and compassion for people. I've always been tenderhearted. I will cry with you even if I don't know why you're crying. I will love you and care about you even when given reasons not to. So I guess I have that going for me in my struggle as a foster parent. I hope it will make this a littler easier and pray that I can show her mother love, compassion, and give her the support she needs as she takes over parenting Sweet Pea. I'm grateful for all the support of our friends and family as we look to the day when Sweet Pea goes home. We'll need it more than you know. I fear it will be the greatest challenge I've ever faced.</div>
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Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-67710297976654080262014-05-16T11:37:00.002-07:002014-05-16T11:37:46.658-07:00Mother's Day And Other ThingsMay 11, 2014 Mother's Day...my second one! There were lots of tears again. I guess it's just not in the cards for me to NOT cry on Mother's Day! I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mom and parent this little girl that God has brought into our lives for this season. She is a hoot! We had a really good day together. First of all Baby Girl was healthy this year! No all night in the steamy bathroom. No nebulizer every 4 hours. We both got a full night of sleep! It was great! We went to church where we both cried...she cried when I left her in the nursery and I cried throughout the service. After church we went to brunch with the Grandmas. It was really nice to be able to enjoy the day and not have to worry about breathing issues....makes all the difference in the world. Later, while Sweet Pea played, giggling with her daddy, as I heard the pitter patter of her little bare feet on the hardwood, I cried again. These are the moments I treasure, the sounds I've longed for. It was a wonderful day :)<br />
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I started this blog initially to address what it's like living with PCOS. I kind of got away from that when the focus of my life changed. I still live with PCOS of course and it's been a rough couple of weeks. I've been in pain quite often from the ovarian cysts and extremely irritable, just ask Cliff. My biggest frustration, in addition to the pain and irritability, is probably one of the most taboo subjects related to PCOS...hirsutism, or in lay terms unwanted hair growth. This is growing hair in places that men typically have excess hair (chest, face, back). Few things make you feel as un-feminine as having to deal with facial and chest hair. I don't mean like that one random chin hair that you pluck once a month or weekly and you're done with it. I'm talking full on man beard you deal with every day. (I can't believe I'm actually discussing this. It's so embarrassing!) I've tried so many things to get rid of it and nothing is effective. There are pills you can take that will slow down the growth a little. I'll be talking to my doctor soon about that. It was never an option before because I was trying to get pregnant and you shouldn't take that medication if pregnant. It only slows down the growth though. I'd love to try laser removal but that's a little out of my price range right now. It's so frustrating, irritating, embarrassing...pick your adjective. It affects my self esteem, as if the weight problem wasn't enough. I am super self conscious about even kissing my husband for fear he can feel the stubble...ugh, i mean c'mon...that is so not sexy! Remember that someone with PCOS is dealing with a LOT that you may not see. We live with pain, mood swings, and man beards. Many days we don't feel beautiful or even slightly pretty. We're more prone to depression because of the hormone issues and the things that happen with our bodies that we have little to no control over. Anyhoooo...that's my PCOS PSA for today.<br />
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Soooo let's see....what else is going on.... Oh, we're house hunting! We want to get a bigger house. We're thinking about getting licensed to be able to take more that one foster child. Some days I think we've lost our minds as Sweet Pea reminds me daily that I'm not getting any younger. My reasoning is this- We cannot adopt Sweet Pea. At this moment in time she is not eligible for adoption. As long as she is in our care (which has already been twice as long as we were first told) we are not able to take a foster child that we COULD potentially adopt. This doesn't mean that we can't adopt a child if you knew of someone *hint, hint*, but we can't take in another foster child that may eventually need a forever home. So we need more bedrooms! Let the house hunting begin! Woohoo!<br />
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Update on Sweet Pea- Basically there's still nothing to report. Her visits with her family have increased but that's about it. I'm almost positive she will return home and it will be sooner than I'm prepared for. I cry at random times thinking about her leaving us. When her visit supervisor picked her up the other day, she walked to the car herself, holding the hand of the visit supervisor. About halfway across the yard she stopped and turned around, blew me a kiss and said "Bye-Bye". My mind flashed to the day when she does that, not realizing that she's not coming back and I started bawling. I wonder how I'll deal with her return home.<br />
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She's so stinking smart. Most kids her age have about a 10-15 word vocabulary. She is up to 30+ words and phrases. Her favorite words are Daddy, bird, and Allie (our dog). She usually gets to feed the fish with Daddy when he gets home. One day he started without her. She went running to the other room saying "Daaaaddy, what doing!?" She loves to "read" her books oh and her new favorite pastime is playing in the toilet *gross*. She loves to be outside and loves playing with bubbles. She can be very mischievous and I'm pretty sure she thinks my favorite word is "no-no". <br />
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If you are willing would you please include us in your prayers?<br />
Please pray for<br />
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<li> us to find the right house</li>
<li>strength as we face her transition home</li>
<li>her continued health (no respiratory problems since Nov! We'd like for it to stay that way!)</li>
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Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-54449836675072252192014-04-09T15:19:00.001-07:002014-04-09T15:19:10.552-07:00Happy Anniversary<div dir="ltr">
One year ago today my greatest, most unattainable dream finally came true. It was a long, so very long, hard, roller coaster of a ride to get there. Years of expensive infertility treatments, years of just waiting to see if it would happen then as my husband says "boy ya sign a few papers and they just hand you a kid". Of course it wasn't quite that easy but that's basically what happened. To read about the day we brought Sweet Pea home <a href="http://pfingystepbystep.blogspot.com/2013/04/its-girl.html" target="_blank">click here</a>. </div>
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Obviously, I haven't been blogging as much. Sweet Pea keeps me pretty busy. Let me see if I can catch you up. A few days before Christmas, our little Sweet Pea turned 1! I got to make decorations and party favors and a smash cake...and it was awesome. It was so nice to be able to celebrate with our family. She was shown so much love and so spoiled!!</div>
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Then we celebrated Christmas and I finally had a chance to put out the plate of cookies for Santa...and I cried. Something so simple but meant so much to me. </div>
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We got to spend Christmas morning watching her open the TON of presents and she had a blast. It took forever because how do you explain to a one year old that you can't play with the toy you just opened because you have to open these other packages? Again, we loved every moment. We had waited a looooooong time to be able to experience that and we just soaked it in.</div>
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So that brings us to *checks calendar*...holy cow we're in April already. If you remember, we were only supposed to have her for 6-9 months. Here we are, a year later. I wish I had more of an update but not a whole lot has changed. We still anticipate that she will return to her family which we both dread and look forward to. We want for there to be reunification if that proves to be in her best interest. We are so very grateful for this year that we've had where we were able to parent her. It was so very hard in the beginning since she was so sick. I would like to say it's easier now that she's healthy but now she's so active and just in to everything ;) She's so much fun. Her little personality is starting to show. She talks up a storm. She loves books and our cat Max. She was recently evaluated by the Step Ahead program and at 15 months she tested at 17-18 months in all categories with the exception of her "expressive communication" aka her vocabulary, where she tested at 23 months. We are so proud of her and the progress she's made. Sometimes she's too smart for her own good but we love watching her blossom into such a beautiful, intelligent girl. She's the light of our lives. We love her so very much and are so very grateful for this last year that we got to spend with her.</div>
Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-18514328275161380052013-11-30T16:01:00.002-08:002013-11-30T16:01:35.632-08:00With Thanksgiving In My HeartIf you live in America, you know that this week we celebrated Thanksgiving. Some people think it's a day marking a time in history of mass genocide, celebrated by gluttony and waste. To me, it's a day that I get to spend with family I may not otherwise see, eating food I don't usually get to eat. It's time set aside that I might not otherwise prioritize for. Though I'm thankful every day, this is a time where I focus on all of God's blessings.<br />
I always get a little nostalgic around the holidays, so if you'll indulge me. This past year has been amazing for me. In April, my dream of being a mom was realized. It didn't happen the way I'd always hoped and dreamed of. God had better plans. In September, I was able to quit my job, where I made a very good wage doing work I loved. My dream of being able to stay home to care for a child had finally come true. To say that I am thankful for these events is a gargantuan understatement.<br />
Every day, I am thankful for my husband. He loves me (the good, the bad, and the ugly), takes care of me, spoils me. He provides for my needs and wants and supports me in following my dreams. Without him the previously mentioned life events would not have happened. I'm so glad he said yes when I asked him out 19 years ago and thankful I said yes when he asked me to be his wife 11 months later.<br />
Every day, I am thankful for the little girl God has entrusted to us for this time in our lives. Every morning when I go to get her out of her crib, she greets me with squeals and smiles. Even though it seems she's always sick (right now we're dealing with hand/foot/mouth disease), I would rather have a baby who may get sick easily than have no child at all. I am thankful that this year, my husband and I were able to go to ToysRUs and buy Christmas gifts for our kiddo. Did we go overboard? Most likely. Did we have a blast doing it? Definitely. I'm so thankful we had a baby to buy for this year. I finally get to see a little one opening gifts on Christmas morning. I finally get to experience the joy and wonderment of the holidays thru the eyes of a child. For the first time in well over 25 years, I'll put out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for Santa. These are things that some people take for granted that I've yearned for years. I am so very grateful that God saw my sorrow and heartache and was merciful to bless us with a child.<br />
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So very gratefulTamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-25513798963992006442013-10-22T16:02:00.001-07:002013-11-10T14:30:37.514-08:00Things I've Learned As A (Foster) Parent<p dir="ltr">Since becoming a (foster) parent on April 9, 2013 I have learned a few things.   Thought I'd share in case you need to know or be reminded.  <br>
Listed in no particular order-</p>
<p dir="ltr">• It is unlikely that what you had envisioned your life as a parent to be will be reality.<br>
• Your house will not be as clean as you thought and it will seem there are less than 24 hours in a day.<br>
• Laundry, dishes and other chores will always be there. Your child may not be. Spend time with them.<br>
• Shaving,  conditioning, and sometimes even shampooing are not necessities and will likely not happen.<br>
• Never pass up the opportunity to tell your child that they are loved, beautiful, important, unique, special etc. <br>
• you will never again go to the bathroom. From now on, you're "going potty" and you will never do it alone again<br>
• There is nothing that smells as amazing as a baby fresh out of the bath<br>
• a baby leaning in for a headbutt looks exactly the same as a baby leaning in to give eskimo kisses-it is impossible to differentiate between the two<br>
• it doesn't matter how sick you are, you will never feel as bad as when the baby catches your cold<br>
• it's amazing how things that seem insignificant can mean so much...that tiny toothbrush in the holder next to yours or that third jack o'lantern on the porch means your life will never be the same<br>
• the floor never creaks as much as it does after you finally get the baby to sleep<br>
• it is impossible to love a child "just a little bit"<br>
• evidently nipples make great handles and testicles apparently are prime targets for babies and clearly babies have their own point system<br>
• quitting my job to be a stay at home mom was the best decision we've ever made<br>
• it is vital to live in the moment. Though our language has changed from "if she goes back" to "when she goes back", that time hasn't come yet and I can't mourn when there's still so much living to do.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Though I'm sure that I have learned many more things they don't come to mind right now. Since I learn new things nearly every day from this little girl, this blog will likely have a "part 2". <br>
Off to live in the moment! <br>
God bless!</p>
Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-33889118514158701302013-10-21T07:48:00.001-07:002013-10-21T07:56:49.426-07:00Picture This<p dir="ltr">It's 10:30pm. I'm sick, sitting holding my also sick, almost 10 month old baby girl. I am tired and feverish.  Her fever has broken and she has clearly gained her second wind.  I'm rocking her trying to get her to go to sleep, to no avail.  She looks at me, starts wiggling and making her silly faces. I start to get frustrated and she calms for a moment.  She gives a little giggle, a smile and gently touching my cheek, looks me in the face and says in the sweetest voice I have ever heard, "mom-mom"....and I start to cry. Not just the gentle, sweet single tear but full on boohoo sobbing.  I waited so very long for someone to call me that. Was she trying to manipulate me so I wouldnt put her down? Eh, maybe. I don't care! As frustrating as bedtime has recently become, I would not trade it for anything.<br>
I know that all too soon, unless God intervenes, she will return to her birth family.   At this point, everything is on track for that to happen.  Her family visits have recently increased to 2 4-hour visits per week.  The first day she was gone that long I sat and cried for most of that time.  The house was so extremely quiet without her here.  I don't want to know what that is like on a long term basis.<br>
I know that once she leaves there will be another child who needs us.  Sadly there is a foster care crisis and there are nowhere near enough homes for the children in the system.  I wondered if it would be different if we only took short term placements.  Can I love them enough and show them God's love without falling in love with them?? The less time they're with us is good right? We wont have time to fall in love with them.  I talked to Cliff and asked what he thought.  He said thay we are all or nothing people. We wont be able to help but fall in love with a child put into our care, the instant they are placed in our arms. If becoming a foster parent has taught me anything it's that you can not effectively parent a child without loving them completely.  There's a few other things this experience has taught me but that is a blog for another day.<br>
I love this little girl completely. I would love to be able to parent her until my dying day. I don't know if that will happen. What I do know is that we are living each day in the moment. I dont know exactly how long she'll be with us.  I'm hesitant to plan a birthday party for her because I dont know if we'll be able to celebrate with her. I dont know if we'll be able to be involved with her after she goes back to her birth family. She may never know she was in foster care and most likely will not remember us. <br>
I really do not want to spend the rest of our time together crying and lamenting (although that may happen).  So today, we'll celebrate and love like it's our last day together...and if we're blessed, we'll wake up and do it again tomorrow.</p>
Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-67306711505895135692013-10-11T13:55:00.000-07:002013-10-11T13:55:03.486-07:00Just Putting It Out ThereWhen we went in to foster care it was our intention that we would open our home to a child who needed a loving, stable home until we could adopt them permanently. The thing with the foster care system is it is usually the plan for the child to return to their birthparents/family. This re-unification process can take a long time. You could also find yourself in a situation like ours where we knew from the get-go that we would not be able to adopt Sweet Pea. In my mind, we would get the call for that one abandoned child that would be eligible for adoption, free and clear. Now, having done this for a bit, I know that is very unlikely to happen...not improbable, but we could be waiting a while. <br />
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I say all of that to say this...pursuing a private adoption can be done while we are providing foster care for a child. All of the classes and homestudies we had done to become licensed foster parents can be used for adoption. Just because we have Sweet Pea doesn't mean that we can't also be searching for a birthmom. Should the chance to adopt Sweet Pea come our way we'd love to have a sibling for her!<br />
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Now I say THAT to say THIS...I'm just gonna put this out there. If you know of someone who is looking for a good, loving, Christian home for a child that they know they won't be able to parent, please let us know. There's always the chance that a friend of a friend of a friend may be considering putting their child up for adoption. We would love to provide the forever home that child needs. While we feel that God has brought us to this place of providing foster care as a ministry, we don't want our desire to adopt a child to fall by the wayside. I don't want our friends and family to think "Oh they have a kid they're taking care of, they wouldn't want this one". Please keep us in mind if you hear of anything. We will not be offended by any suggestions or offers. We've always been very open and honest about our circumstances and I don't want anyone thinking they can't bring up the subject. By all means, BRING IT UP!! I'm open to just about anything and would love to tell our child that you were an intricate part to them becoming a part of our family forever. :)Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-35299151089406976582013-09-30T14:03:00.001-07:002013-09-30T20:20:36.828-07:00Judge Not Lest Ye Be JudgedHow many times have you been in the check out line at the grocery store and had that person in front of you dressed to the nines, hair professionally done, nails professionally done with the newest smartphone out there, using WIC coupons? I know I used to get so bugged that my hard earned money was being taxed for them to squander their funds and require state assistance. It never once dawned on me that they could be a foster parent, caring for a child that someone had neglected or abused. I never once stopped to think that maybe there was more to the story than what it appeared to be. The thought never crossed my mind until I was the one using the coupons. I try to go to the store on an "off" time so it's not as crowded. I do this for 2 reasons... 1) using the coupons is a pain in the butt. Each coupon is for a "batch" of items and have to be done in separate transactions. For instance I get about 6 different coupons for Sweet Pea. These 6 coupons purchase 6 cans of formula, 2 boxes of cereal, and 32 jars of baby food. Why that can't all be listed on one coupon is beyond me. So there I am in line with my "regular" purchase and my additional 6 transactions. 2) I feel like I'm being judged because of the way I'm dressed (whether dressed up or not) and using the coupons. Are they really giving me dirty looks or is that just my perception? Because I used to be so judgmental I feel like maybe everyone around me is judging me for using them. I always feel like I have to justify my usage and say things like "Yeah, my foster daughter sure eats a lot"...Like I owe them an explanation for me using them?? The only thing I suppose I should feel badly about is the multiple transactions. Yes, I am *that* person that holds up the line but seriously would YOU want to make 6 different trips to the store (Walmart because they're the only ones who stock enough of her special formula) to get 8 little jars of baby food at a time??!! Maybe if Walmart had more than 3 check outs going at any given time of the day I might make more trips...but it's doubtful.<br />
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Being a foster parent has taught me to think about things a little differently....and maybe now you'll think a little differently the next time you're in the check out line behind someone like me ;)Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-69694638865463619242013-09-16T15:51:00.000-07:002013-09-16T15:51:22.958-07:00Long Time No BlogHi...Remember me? Sorry it's been a while since my last post. I've been...uh...busy. I've been busy with diaper changes, baths, bottles, doctors appointments....loooooooots of doctor's appointments, and cuddles...looooooooots of cuddles. I have loved every minute of being a mom, even the hard minutes of breathing treatments and antibiotics. In the last 4 1/2 months the baby has had RSV twice, Pneumonia at least twice possibly 3 times, bronchiolitis twice, and 2 ear infections. It's been very challenging but she's finally doing really well. She had an appointment with her pulmonary doctor today and he said she's doing great! She's 26 1/2 inches tall and weighs 16lbs 10.8 oz!<br />
So, ready for some happy updates?! When baby came to us she was on seizure medication because her previous foster mom had reported "seizure activity" but could never get documentation (video) of said activity. On August 9th Sweet Pea had a "100% normal EEG" and the Doctor said we could start weaning her off of the medication! Yay!! She took her last dose last Monday on my first day home with her. Which brings me to happy news #2! <br />
All of my life, all I've ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom. That was only emphasized when we got Sweet Pea. It killed me to leave her for 8+ hours per day knowing we'll only have her for a few more months. I don't want to miss anything with her. My husband and I talked about what it would take for me to be able to quit my job. When we got Sweet Pea, I split our finances up just to see if we could live off of Cliff's income alone. Time showed we could. We'd have to cut back on some things but we could make it work. Then my husband got a raise! We discussed it in more detail because it looked like after all this time and me always talking about "when I get to stay home..." I was actually going to get to quit my job and raise babies!! Around the same time, there were changes that were going to be taking place with my job and my boss kept talking about "we'll have you on this work group" and "we'll send you to this class/meeting/etc". I didn't feel it was right to keep my boss in the dark about my intentions to leave when she kept making references about my future in my current position. So I ended up giving about a 6 week notice instead of the customary 2 weeks. I have not been happier. Last week was my first full week as a stay at home mom. I got absolutely nothing accomplished and loved every second.<br />
I am SO very grateful for my husband who is willing to take the responsibility for being the sole financial supporter for our family. I'm grateful that it is as important to him as it is to me to stay home with our kids. I'm grateful he loves me enough to help make my dream a reality.<br />
I'll be honest...I never thought I could ever possibly be this happy. NEVER in my life has anything gone the way I'd dreamed or imagined it. Other than meeting NKOTB, none of my dreams have ever become a reality until now. I've never been this happy with my life. It's such a foreign feeling. Am I allowed to be this happy? When is the other shoe going to drop? I picture myself walking in an open field and a piano falling out of the sky and landing directly on me. At my funeral, people will shake their head and say "it was the darndest thing. outta frikkin nowhere a piano BAM!!! Just when everything was going so good for her". Nah, I'll not look a gift horse in the mouth. I'll take this joy with me every day for the rest of my life. Even on rough days, I'll remember what it was like for someone to call me "Mom-mom" and smile from the depths of my soul.<br />
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Now that I'm not working hopefully I'll be able to blog a little more often. Lots of changes will be coming our way as things are lined up for Sweet Pea to transition to her home, wherever that may be. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated because when the time comes, Cliff and I will need the support. We've grown to love her SO MUCH that it will rip our hearts out when she leaves. We can use all the support and prayer our friends can offer. <br />
Thank you all for your support up to this point! We really appreciate everything :)Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-20592506545801159452013-05-14T15:52:00.000-07:002013-05-14T15:52:12.820-07:00Happy Mother's Day Indeed!On Sunday, May 12, 2013, I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. I'm <u>still</u> overwhelmed by God's goodness. <br />
The day started off a little rough. Sweet Pea had a lot of congestion (STILL) and cough going on and was having a difficult time breathing. The night before, she and I sat in the bathroom with the shower steaming away until we were both sweating and our hair frizzed out. She thought it was great fun to sit on the edge of the tub playing with the shower curtain while I sweated my butt off sitting on the floor holding her. After a night filled with a steamy bathroom, breathing treatments, bulb suctioning and rocking, she actually slept fairly well. I on the other hand only got about 2 hours of sleep. We ran out of albuterol and Cliff woke up about the time she was due for another treatment. I handed off the baby and ran to the drugstore to get a refill. Given the night we had, I wasn't sure we'd make it to church. Baby was feeling better but momma was dragggggggggiiiiiiiiinnnngggg! (Did I mention that I've been sick with a cold all week?) I did NOT want to miss my first mother's day activities! My mom was coming to church with us. We had a BBQ at my brother's house afterwards. I decided NOTHING was going to keep me from experiencing everything about the day. I didn't want to miss a thing. <br />
We made it to church! My favorite hymn is "Because He Lives". I've loved that song for years. Going through all of our infertility stuff and the depression and hardships that came along with it, I wondered how I would be able to face another day. I can face tomorrow, because HE lives. Because He lives, all fear is gone. I often cried (like every....single....time) on the second verse of that song..."How sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy he gives". I was always saddened and fearful that I would never know that feeling. On Sunday, as I stood in church, holding my little girl in her pretty purple dress, we began singing that song. I made it through the first verse but come the second verse? Wait! What is that?? Oh yes here comes the ugly cry! I stood there holding my "newborn" baby, smelling that heavenly baby smell, feeling all the pride and joy in the world...something I never thought I'd get the chance to experience and i began sobbing. I couldn't believe that everything I'd gone through had finally lead to this moment. I never gave up and God was gracious to bless us with this beautiful little girl. <br />
After church we headed to my brother's house and got to spend the day with beloved family and friends. I loved seeing my little niece so attentive to the baby. She would hold the bottle, cover the baby up with her blanket, bounce her in the bouncy seat, pat the top of her head. She's so fascinated by her. I think she's ready to be a big sister ;)<br />
We went home and I was exhausted. I sat in the recliner while Daddy took care of baby for a bit, catching up on all of the well wishes, texts, facebook posts and cards I'd received throughout the day. I sat drinking from my saucer because my cup had overflowed. <br />
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<div align="center">
-Drinking From My Saucer-</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now.<br />But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow<br />And as I go along life's way,<br />I'm reaping better than I sowed.<br />I'm drinking from my saucer,<br />'Cause my cup has overflowed. <br /><br />Haven't got a lot of riches,<br />and sometimes the going's tough<br />But I've got loving ones all around me,<br />and that makes me rich enough. <br />I thank God for his blessings,<br />and the mercies He's bestowed.<br />I'm drinking from my saucer,<br />'Cause my cup has overflowed.<br /><br />I remember times when things went wrong,<br />My faith wore somewhat thin.<br />But all at once the dark clouds broke,<br />and the sun peeped through again.<br /><br />So Lord, help me not to gripe,<br />about the tough rows I have hoed.<br />I'm drinking from my saucer,<br />'Cause my cup has overflowed.<br /><br />If God gives me strength and courage,<br />When the way grows steep and rough.<br />I'll not ask for other blessings,<br />I'm already blessed enough.<br /><br />And may I never be too busy,<br />to help others bear their loads.<br />Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,<br />'Cause my cup has overflowed.<br /></div>
Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-32847321076243762002013-05-09T14:24:00.001-07:002013-05-09T14:29:20.645-07:0030 Minutes Of WonderfulI love being a mom. If we're FB friends, you probably think that I think that I'm the only one on God's green earth to ever become a mom. *shrugs* Guess I don't really care about that ;) After waiting for so long, everything about it is monumental to me. Every diaper change and feeding is a HUUUUUUGE deal to me. With Mother's Day approaching, for the first time in my life I'm not dreading it. I'm not excluded this year. I can't wait to celebrate. It could be my last and I'm going to soak up every second. I keep flip flopping between emotions. I'm struggling with "Yay, I'm a mom and have a gorgeous daughter" and then I remember she's someone else's daughter who just needed a home for the time being. She will likely be back with her family just in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love her fiercely but at the same time I tell myself not to get too attached (TOO LATE!) because we won't get to keep her. I feel completely devoted to her but at the same time I feel somewhat detached from her, like I can't claim her as mine. Like maybe I'm not really a mom, I'm just borrowing her. Like maybe I shouldn't be celebrating Mother's Day this year after all. Then I think so what! I've always said one of my favorite quotes is "I'd rather have 30 minutes of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special". She's my 30 minutes (or 6-9 months as it were) of wonderful and I'm going to treasure every single moment I have with her. <br />
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We've had her in daycare for almost 2 weeks now. I seriously wanted to just quit my job because 1) I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom and 2) if you knew your time with someone was limited, if you knew that after a certain date you would never see them again, would you keep "wasting" 8 hours of your day at work?! I have the luxury of knowing my time with her is limited. I want to spend every second of my day with her. I catch myself speeding to pick her up from daycare. I can imagine the look on the officer's face if/when I get pulled over... "But officer you don't understand! My baby is in daycare and I HAVE to get to her!" Think that will fly? No? Fine...be that way<br />
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Cliff and I have already decided that we will likely not do a straight foster care situation again. God, of course could have other plans for us (He usually does) but this is what we've decided. Within a day we were already bonding with her. I know it will kill both of us when we have to give her to her forever home. I've heard Cliff talking to her about paying for schooling and her wedding. I know I don't have to remind him that we won't be responsible for any of that. It is quite likely that we won't even see her for her first birthday. I can only imagine how it will affect us when she leaves. I've mourned a thousand times for the child I didn't have. How much more painful will it be when I lose the one I did have? I struggle with that decision to not do straight foster care because I know there are so many kiddos in foster care who need the kind of home we can provide while they are facing a difficult situation. Each time a child leaves will rip our hearts out. I'm really not sure how much of that my heart could take. <br />
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Another thing weighing on me is being sensitive to my friends who are still waiting for their chance to be a mom. It hasn't been that long since I was the "only" one waiting and people were obnoxiously talking about their baby and whatever cute thing they did today. Now I'm that obnoxious person :/ I have friends who will struggle this weekend as they mourn for the child they've not been able to have or the one they did have who has gone to Heaven. My heart hurts for them. I 'm blessed to be able to hug my baby girl tonight and certainly do not take that for granted. She's such a blessing....My 30 minutes of wonderful.<br />
<br />Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-3123432446953624762013-04-24T22:06:00.001-07:002013-04-24T22:40:01.009-07:00Who I Was Born To BeMotherhood Day #15-<br />
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Geez...has it really only been 15 days?!?! lol<br />
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I confess it has been a trying time. It has nothing to do with the baby and yet everything to do with her. <br />
When I was a little girl I always mothered my dolls. There are pictures of me as a very young girl, with my doll zipped up next to me in my coat to stay warm. I remember when Hurricane Elena came through Florida. We were packing up to go to my Grandparents house (because they had the "more stable" mobile home ;)). Mom told me to go pack a bag and I came back with a huge bag filled with everything my Cabbage Patch doll could possibly need for the next day or so. Mom said "That's nice Tami...now why don't you go get a few clothes for yourself". I've been practicing being a mom for as long as I can remember. Problem is, my dolls didn't come with seizure meds or nebulizers, or frequent doctor appointments. Sweet Pea has been quite sick since we gained custody of her. She's been sleeping sitting up in the bouncy seat in our bedroom because of her congestion and cough. She coughs so hard that she chokes, gags, and throws up a bunch of mucus. (for those novice parents like myself, apparently that is completely normal and pretty much the only way a baby can get rid of mucus since they don't know how to cough it out or blow their nose) On day number 7 we had our first trip to urgent care. When she was returned home after visiting her parents, the worker reported that the parents were concerned that she felt feverish. When I held her I also thought she felt warm and immediately called the after hours nurse. I gave them a brief history and they wanted us to bring her in. We went to the clinic and were seen rather quickly. She did have a little bit of a fever and was having some difficulty breathing. They set us up to do a breathing treatment and then left the room. I promptly started crying. Here was this precious, sweet girl, struggling to breathe, coughing so hard she vomits, gagging and I was completely helpless. There was nothing I could do to help her. I wanted to breathe for her. The nurse came in, saw I was crying and asked if I was ok. They were so kind. They knew I'm a new mom and gave us reassurance that she was ok. We've had follow ups every few days because she's just not getting any better. She had an xray today to check to see if she had pneumonia which thank goodness she doesn't. She's such an amazing baby and is happy most of the time, but you can still tell she doesn't feel good. We just want her to be healthy and not have to worry! I guess that makes us parents huh...<br />
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I'm REALLY struggling with when to go back to work. I feel so guilty being gone but I've waited a hell of a long time to be a mom and why should I rush back to work!? Being a mom?...THIS is what I was put here on this earth for. THIS feels perfect, sick baby, poopy diapers and all. I'm FINALLY who I was born to be. My job allows 2 weeks of bonding time for a newly placed foster child. What a joke! Don't get me wrong...I'm SO grateful for the time I've had off but seriously...2 weeks is barely enough time to get things in order much less have time to "bond" with your child. My time has been filled with WIC appointments, doctors appointments, visits with Social workers, case workers, and Early Childhood development providers. Added to that, we have to be available certain times for her visits with her family. Now I'm supposed to juggle all of that and work full time as well. What the hell was I thinking!? The thing is...I don't WANT to work outside of my home. All of my life I've wanted to be a stay at home mom. That desire only grew stronger the longer it took for us to have a baby. I've waited all of my life for this. I don't want to put my child in daycare for someone else to raise. That's my job! (Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to working moms. I know some situations demand that mom works outside of the home) I've missed out on pregnancy and childbirth. I don't want to miss out on first words or first steps.<br />
Sweet Pea's social worker recommended a daycare for us. They are the only one I can find that has an opening for an infant and they are nowhere near conveniently located. Which poses the next problem. The person who picks her up for her family visits is not able to because of the daycare's location.<br />
I can take up to 12 weeks of FMLA leave. She's been so sick I didn't want to use it all in the first little bit that she's with us. What if she needs me later in the year?! The thing is...she needs me now...<br />
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Maybe I just needed to see all of this typed out...to decide what to do.<br />
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Even though this is not how I imagined my life, how I would become a mom. I am a mom. It sounds funny to me...foreign almost. I go to doctors appointments and they ask "Your relation to the patient?" I am her mom.<br />
Tonight I held my sweet little girl in my arms as she drifted off to sleep. I assured her, it was ok to fall asleep. She's safe, warm, and loved. Most definitely loved <br />
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After I posted this blog my mom posted this pic on her FB...Me with my doll, and of course her diaper bag...<br />
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Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-54865893078989876472013-04-10T09:04:00.000-07:002013-04-10T09:04:11.038-07:00It's A Girl!!!I originally wrote this blog to auto post on Thursday when we were supposed to take custody of Sweet Pea. Needless to say I had to do some editing...<br />
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As you know we received our foster care license last week on Tuesday. On my lunch break, on Wednesday, I received a call from YFC. It was their person who handles the placements. She was calling to just go over the general information that we would get in a placement call, kind of like a practice call. She said "For instance, you'll probably say no to this one but here's the kind of information we'll give you. We have a 3 month old little girl, currently in foster care and needing a new home for the next 6-9 months. She'll either be reunited with her parents or adopted by a family member. In the mean time she needs a home." She proceeded to tell us more about the baby's background and said "What do you think?" Now Cliff and I had already pretty much decided that we were going in to this as a ministry, not just to get a baby to adopt, and would not say "no" to anything God brought before us. If He doesn't want a certain child with us, He's going to have to say no because I know I wouldn't be able to. There was a catch with this little girl though. The state didn't want her in daycare because of her tendency to get sick easily. Any child that comes to us will have to go to daycare :( The lady from YFC was shocked I said yes since she knew we were looking to adopt and we would not be able to adopt this child. She said she would have to contact the state worker to see if they were willing to forgo the daycare thing. She stated she would call me back. Thursday came....and went. Friday came...and went. I figured "good...it wasn't my idea of my dream situation and this is God's way of saying 'No'". Then Monday came. The lady from YFC called again. They had been unable to find another home for this baby and she wanted to know if we were still willing to take her, knowing it would not be a long term situation. I called Cliff just to make sure we were still on the same page before I called her back. He agreed and I called to tell her that yes we were still willing and able to take care of her. She was going to call back the state social worker and tell her that Baby Girl had a new home. She had said that the social worker was planning on transferring custody on Thursday. I waited for the call on Tuesday to finalize details about when we would pick her up on Thursday. I got a voicemail from YFC saying "Change of plans, can you pick her up tomorrow (Wednesday) at 11:30am. I called them back to say I would be able to pick her up then and the worker said "Change of plans again...Can you pick her up today?" So yesterday we became parents. I have waited my whole life for this moment in time. I never dreamed this day would actually come. I can't believe this is really happening. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. I think about the things we have planned for this weekend and realize now we'll have a baby in tow! IT IS BLOWING MY MIND!!!<br />
Now I know this is temporary. We only get to have her for 6-9 months until courts decide her fate, but for now...for this moment in time, she's mine. I'm already sad that it seems we'll have to give her to her forever home around the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays. For my sake, I really hope this happens either well in advance of the holiday season or that we get to keep her through the holidays.<br />
She's a great baby! She only fusses when she's hungry. She slept from 11:00pm last night until about 7:45am this morning. Wish the same could be said for me ;) She has some minor health issues. She's just getting over RSV and has to have nebulizer treatments. I wonder how much albuterol she inhaled versus how much I inhaled while giving her the treatment. Her previous foster mom said she has a seizure disorder so she's on phenobarbital for that. She does not like that medicine and is an expert at not swallowing it. I'm concerned that she may not be getting enough of it in her system because she's a pro at just holding her mouth open and letting it just ooze out. I even tried to give it to her while she was sleeping. I thought her natural sucking reflex would take over and I'd get it down her. Nope! She is wise to my ways. I have to contact her Neuro doc and her pediatrician today to see what kind of follow up she needs.<br />
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On the way home last night I stopped at Target to buy diapers and the cashier says "What a beautiful baby! How old is she?' I replied "3 1/2 months" She said "Is she sleeping through the night for you yet?" I said "I don't know. I've only been her mom for about and hour and a half!" That kind of got a funny look until I explained I am her foster mom.<br />
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Out of respect for her birth parents and for her protection, we've decided not to post any identifying pictures of her on Facebook or on this blog. If you want to see her, you'll have to come visit ;) Exceptions will be made for family out of state. If you want to see her, message me your cell number or email and I'll text or email pics. We do plan on having an Open House so people can come visit and meet our lil Sweet Pea.<br />
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I ask you to please pray for the following:<br />
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1) That Baby Girl will transition easily to our home, that she will thrive and grow strong in our care. Please pray for her health, that she'll recover quickly from the RSV and even maybe be healed of the seizure disorder<br />
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2) That I am able to find a daycare that has an opening for an infant. (the one I picked and all of my back ups don't have any openings to take an infant!)<br />
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3) That God will comfort me in the grief when she leaves us<br />
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Thank you for all of your love and support in this, the most amazing journey of my life<br />
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It may be a while before I blog again. I plan on being busy being a mommy :)<br />
<br />Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-21775292926819531882013-04-03T12:53:00.002-07:002013-04-03T12:53:45.358-07:00It's Official!!Yesterday NKOTB released their newest album "10" which of course thrilled me to no end! I arrived home from work at my usual time last night but sat in the driveway for a few minutes, loading the album to the hardrive of my car. Just as I was almost finished, my cell phone rang. DANGIT! Because my cell phone also rings thru my car with the bluetooth, it totally messed up what I was doing. "Grrr *grumble* Hello?" paraphrased>>"Hi, This is Youth for Christ. Just calling to let you know that you've been licensed!" Me: <instant cheesball grin> Yaaaaaayyyyyyy! Went and checked my mail and this is what came...<br />
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I think I just went from "braxton hicks" to straight labor! or maybe this is the pushing part....<br />
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Anxiously <understatment of the year> awaiting *THE* call that brings the child that I've been longing for, home. CAN'T WAIT!!!<br />
Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-11926774406338712592013-03-12T13:23:00.001-07:002013-03-12T13:23:16.291-07:00Gentle Reminder?Note to Self and all of my loving, supportive friends and family...but mostly to myself. <br />
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The first baby that comes to our home may not be the one we get to KEEP in our home. I need to keep telling myself this.<br />
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One of my friends who was also waiting with bated breath for THE CALL received her call on Friday. I was so excited for her and her husband. Theeeeeeen the baby went back to the family on Monday. I know it must've been so difficult to finally receive the call and pick up a days old infant to bring to your waiting home, nursery, heart, only to have them returned to family days later. If she's anything like me, it was love at first sight. You go into this knowing that this may be the case for any call you receive. That's what foster care is...you're providing a home for a child until they can return to their home. The ultimate goal for the state is reunification. This is what I worry about...how will I respond/react? but I still feel like this is what God is calling us to do right now. I know that if it happens that a child placed in our home eventually returns to their parents or another family member, this is God's will for them at this time. They will always hold a special place in my heart...my poor, crying, broken heart. Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6912748588201515933.post-71038388241854992322013-03-06T20:13:00.002-08:002013-03-06T20:13:19.587-08:00Daydreaming<div style="text-align: center;">
I totally could've written this poem...</div>
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Daydreaming</div>
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I stepped into her room today<br />Knowing she's not there<br />This waiting for referral<br />Is more than one can bear</div>
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But taking in the moment<br />I sit down on the floor<br />And dream of her here with me<br />When waiting is no more.</div>
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A little giggle fills the air<br />As I rub her feet<br />I place my hand upon her heart<br />To feel its every beat.</div>
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A song is sung so very soft<br />Her eyes begin to close<br />She’s meeting me in dream land<br />A place where love still grows.</div>
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My vision now is very blurred<br />The tears stream down my cheeks<br />I’ve dreamed of her quite often<br />Throughout these past few weeks.</div>
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Suddenly a sound is heard<br />The phone rings in the hall<br />Waking up I quickly pray <br />Please let it be "The Call."</div>
Tamrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08884207376425412279noreply@blogger.com0