Live Like You Or Someone You Love Is Dying

 I'm baaaaaaaaaack!!!  Lucky you...I know you've just been itching for some new bathroom reading material.  Can you believe it's been nearly 5 years since I last blogged!??!  Soooo much has happened in that time and I will eventually fill you in.  Brief rundown of the last 5 years....adopted a kid, got to introduce her to my grandparents, she and I survived Hurricane Michael, I got diagnosed with a non- cancerous brain tumor, treated that, Covid, grandparents died, adopted another kiddo, and got diagnosed with endometrial cancer the day before my 46 birthday, which was a little over a month ago.  Like I said, eventually a blog will happen to address these but right now I have something else on my heart which is time sensitive, only because I feel like I need to say it NOW rather than later. And I'm having surgery tomorrow so I might not be on top of my game for a few days.

Let's dive right on in, shall we?!  This is what is on my mind-

Are you living like you're dying?  Like someone you love is dying?  

I have a friend currently on palliative care.  He has colon cancer and his time on earth is short.  Praise God he knows Jesus and will receive the ultimate healing but that doesn't mean he will be any less missed or grieved. I've been thinking about him constantly since I was updated on his condition.  I want to talk to him constantly and tell him how much I love him.  We've been friends since we were tweens and known each other longer than that.  I don't remember meeting him.  He was just always there.  I want to talk to him and tell him how much I love his smile, even in the midst of his pain, how I love his devotion to his family, his sense of humor, his wit.  As life does, distance and life came between us, different paths, different dreams, but we've managed to stay in touch via Facebook.  We don't chat all the time, hardly ever really. I'm not sure we've talked on the phone since we were 16 years old.  Why do I suddenly feel compelled to call him all the time right now???  The answer is simple....I know my time of being able to do so is limited.  I know that if I don't tell him how much I care for him now, how proud I am of him now,  I may not be able to later.  

How many times have you said I love you to someone and had the "luxury" of knowing it would be the last time?  When I last called my grandfather, I knew it would be the last time I got a chance to say I love you, I've learned so much from you, I'm grateful for you.  

What if you don't have the luxury of knowing when the last time you see someone will be? When is your last day alive going to be?  Will your kids know how proud you are?  How much you love them? Does your mom know?  Does your neighbor with the awesome smile know how much they brighten your day with their wave at the mailbox? 

The fact is....we're all dying, from the moment we're born.  The days of our life are numbered (Job 14:5). We may not have the knowledge of when that end may come, but rest assured, it's coming.  When you have cancer all of a sudden you become keenly aware of that, regardless of prognosis.  Are you saying what needs to be said to the folks you love and care about?  Are you asking forgiveness?  Granting forgiveness, even when they don't ask for it?  Telling your parents thanks for all you did?  Are you doing things that need to be done? I don't mean like dishes and laundry.  Are you loving and living to the fullest, intentionally?

Why did I not tell my friend more often over the years how much he encourages me?  Why did I wait until he's sick and on hospice care?  Would it have been that hard over the years to actually pick up the dang phone and call?  How often do I call my parents?  When was the last time I talked to my brothers?  That friend who is always there for me, have I called her to say thanks?   I love my husband with all that is in me and am so grateful for all he's done for me for these last 26 years.  Have I told him so?

Are you waiting for the perfect time to go on a family vacation?  Waiting to pursue that degree?  How many times have I said "I'll call them tomorrow".  What if tomorrow never comes??  (Yeah I know....That's a Tim McGraw AND a Garth Brooks reference in the same blog-sue me.  No, not you Tim and Garth...I do not have that kind of cash)

Truth be told, when we go to bed at night, there is no guarantee we'll wake the next morning.  What are you leaving unsaid or undone?  Has someone encouraged you?  Tell them!  Do they have a quality that radiates good to all those around them?  Tell them!  What are you waiting for? Tell them while they're alive.  Tell them while you're alive!   Don't wait until everybody gathers for a funeral to talk to others about how much you loved the person or how much you appreciated them.  Don't wait until you have regrets about not saying it to their face.  Say it today.  Call them now (well maybe be courteous of time zones...or not. Your call)

Live every day like you, or they, are dying.  Quite frankly, we all are.  LIVE and LOVE to the fullest!!

Lost And Found

Hi....Remember me?  I can't believe it's been 2 years since I wrote my last blog.  To say my last foster kiddo kept me busy would be the understatement of the decade.  We picked him up from the hospital at 6 weeks of age.  He returned to his mother 2 weeks after his 2nd birthday.  He and I went thru a lot, to say the least.....a lot of crying together, a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of gas, teething, diaper rash remedies, gut issues, some sensory issues....just a LOT of stuff. When he did sleep, so did I.  Somewhere in there I managed to still do all the usual household stuff.   The second his eyes opened, he was on the move.  He moved ALL the time, even in his sleep.  I imagine somewhere down the line he'll be diagnosed with ADHD or something along those lines.  He kept me BUSY!!  He was my most challenging kiddo (that stayed with us) and I love him with every fiber of my being.  He's been gone for almost 3 months now and I can't think about him without crying. We've been fortunate enough that his mom still lets us see him.   I struggle with if that's really what's best for him? or selfishly is it best for us?  My heart is broken. I miss him.  I mourning the loss of him. 
   During his time with us, we got a call about taking an "almost legally free" 9 month old.   The kids were 5 months apart in age.  It was really tough to have "twins" but just enough developmental difference that they weren't twins. We finally got a routine down and had our groove.  Cliff is the best partner for me on this crazy train. 
During this time, my mother in law moved in with us. Two weeks later Bud left. It's been such a challenging few months.  So many emotions from that and now, after a looooooooong year, Baby Girl is finally really legally free and we're starting the adoption process.  I'm going to FINALLY LEGALLY OFFICIALLY be a mother. 

So why do I feel so lost??  I'm finally on the path to being who I wanted to be.  Why do I feel like I've lost who I am?  I used to be compassionate.  I cared about everyone and every thing.  I feel like foster care has ruined the person I used to be.  I'm angry.  I'm depressed.  I'm sad.  I'm severely short tempered.  That's not who I usually am.   Is it possible to lose yourself and find yourself at the same time??   This is not the mom I want to be.  This is not the mommy my daughter deserves.   She deserves a mom who has not been jaded by the system.  She deserves the mom I was 5 years ago.  The one who was excited about the future, not the one who is terrified of it.  I hate that we missed so much of her first year.  I hate that I didn't get to bring her home from the hospital.   I hate that I have all this baby stuff to get rid of that I never got to use for MY baby.  I hate that I'll never have a baby shower with the tiny pink frills and bows. I hate that I lost a year of my daughter's life because of foster care....but then, that's what brought her to us.  I feel like I've lost my nurturing self.  All the kids I've nurtured for the last nearly 5 years have been taken away, so what's the point?...she thought selfishly.  I feel like such a different person than I used to be and not for the better.  How can I love my daughter to the full extent she deserves when I'm so brokenhearted?  Will my heart ever get back to what I used to be?  In years past, I fell in love so easily.  I've written about how holding my best friend's firstborn son, showed me I could instantly love a child I didn't give birth to.  I was so sure I could adopt and love a child I didn't carry.  I instantly fell in love with SweetPea and Bud (the baby boy referenced earlier).  Why am I having such a difficult time falling in love with the child who is supposed to be mine forever?  I'm sure much of it has to do with all the delays we experienced with her case this year. I know I was guarding my heart against heartache, since nothing was for sure and we'd just lost the little guy who had been with us for so long.  And then there's the fact that she's so much like me....I'm like "well crap, better start saving now for therapy".  She deserves a mom who isn't so sad and heartbroken.  I want to be excited about her adoption, rather than scared.  I want so desperately to enjoy the holidays with this child who will be ours.   I want to feel that joy of being able to announce we're officially parents. Can joy come from a broken heart?  I want to get back to who I used to be....but still be who I am. Is that possible??

Confessions of a Foster Mom

Being a foster mom is hard, the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't want to do it again.   I never wanted to be a foster mom.  I don't want to spend my life taking care of someone else's child.  I didn't get in to this for the "ministry" of it.  I never felt "called" to foster.  I'm confused why God would take someone who so desperately wants a child of their own, and make them take care of kids, born to people who in some cases should never be having children, and then make her give them up....repeatedly.  Sometimes I'm angry about it.  Mostly, it just saddens me.   The system sucks.  Foster parents are lied to, misinformed, and sometimes unintentionally ill-informed.  You get your heart broken repeatedly, and yet you do it again...and again.  "Good" parenting is relative.  The state does not have the same standards for parenting that you do.  It is a struggle, even during those times when you don't have a child in your home.

These past 2 1/2 years have been a struggle.  I fell totally in love with our first kiddo, even knowing she would never be "ours".  We knew it was temporary but couldn't help it.  I spent most of the time scared to death because of how sick she was.  She became healthier and then she was gone.  Then came the second round of kids.  I was scared to fall in love again, so I didn't.  Of course the little boy wasn't with us long enough for me to develop any kind of relationship with but his sister was with us for 202 days.  I took care of her when she was sick with pneumonia, rushed her to the hospital, got her caught up on vaccinations, all that mommy stuff.  I couldn't let myself fall in love with her.  I cared for her a great deal but I couldn't deal with that heartbreak again.  In the moment, you just DO.  You're a mom.  You do what needs to be done; doctor appointments, diaper changes, bathtimes, meals.   You secretly love the pats on the back and the compliments from people who don't know what else to say.  "Regular" moms don't get that.  No one calls them heroes or angels.  No one tells them they're amazing.  Who doesn't like to hear "Wow, you're awesome!", "I could never do that", "you're an angel"?  I loved the feeling I got when people would say nice things and make me feel like what I was doing was just so incredible.  I was a rockstar!!

I....was a fraud.

 I am a woman who wants so badly to be a mother that I'm willing to live under false pretenses of being this hero, rockstar person, taking care of someone else's child simply to hear a little one call me mommy.  I'm not a foster mom because it was my intention to minister to these children.  I didn't become a foster mom to mentor someone else in how to be a better parent.  I got into this with the hopes that somewhere along the line someone would fail and I would be able to adopt their child.  I'm not a foster mom because I'm so good and strong.  I'm a foster mom because I'm selfish and weak.
 All of this and in spite all these wrong reasons, it still feels like what I'm supposed to do.  Like I said, I do NOT want to.   After declaring that we wouldn't take any more kids in unless they were legally free and potentially adoptable, Cliff and I have, or more specifically, God has decided that we will.  We will continue to foster until God calls us home or makes it crystal clear that we're done. For some reason, God put us in a house with extra bedrooms, with the means for me to stay home,  and a heart to take care of kids whose parents can't for one reason or another.  We don't know why God has brought us here.  I'm reminded of Esther in the Bible.  Her cousin told her, (Tamra's paraphrase) "help will come from somewhere else, but maybe you were made queen for such a time as this".  I know there are other foster parents out there.  There are other people who can take care of foster children, but who knows?  Maybe I was made a foster mom, for such a time as this.

 I don't want to love, lose and hurt again, but I will. Even though I don't feel "called", clearly I am.  Your prayers are greatly appreciated as we prepare our house and hearts for more kiddos.

Picking Up Where I Left Off

Soooooo yeeeaaahhh again it's been a while. LOTS going on! Let me see if I can catch up.

Sweet Pea
Back in October our little Sweet Pea had surgery to remove part of her lung. That was such a difficult thing to go thru.  There just aren't even words...  even now I think back to that morning and my heart starts pounding as I picture the other half of my heart being prepped for surgery.  Thankfully she's young enough she was oblivious to what was about to happen to her.  I wish I could've been like that.  I'm so grateful for our pastor who came to the hospital to pray with us as she was being prepped.  I know his prayers aren't any more powerful than mine but at least I didn't have to try to form the words that were screaming from my heart.  Sweet Pea went into surgery as her mom, mom's aunt and grandma,  cliff and I waited. I'm so grateful her mom allowed cliff and I to be there. After surgery, the doctor said her lung was so bad she could tell just from the outside of the portion they removed how damaged it was.
They allowed 2 of us at a time to be with her in the PICU. Mom's aunt said "well I think the moms should get to see her first". I almost cried. That gesture of her referring to me as Sweet Pea's mom touched my heart in a way I can't describe. Her mom and I went into the room. We walked into the hospital room to find our little girl writhing on the bed, so many tubes and wires, crying pitifully "ooowwwie...all done....all done." We both started crying. Seeing her like that was too much to bear. The nurses assured us that she wasn't in any pain but that she was confused as she was coming out of the effects of the anesthesia.   I'm calling BS on that one. Knowing how cliff felt when he had a similar surgery, I'm sure she was pretty dang uncomfortable.  We took turns rotating shifts in the room. Other than seeing baby girl like that, the most heartbreaking thing was seeing my husband cry at the site of her.
At one point, the nurses asked us to step out  so they could do a chest xray on her. Cliff and I stepped in to the hallway. As they were positioning her for the xray, she and I made eye contact and she again started crying "owie...all done mama...all done".  Even now it brings me to tears.  I stood there sobbing and this woman, speaking very broken English,  touched my arm and said "she'll be ok. Just trust her to Jesus. She'll be ok".
Few things will put you in a constant state of prayer like your kiddo having body parts surgically removed. I don't know if I've ever prayed in my whole life as much as I did those 4 days in the hospital. 
Which brings me to this...thank you to Mom D for letting me stay with you during that time.  I am so very glad I could still be there for you and Sweet Pea.
The first night Mom D and I each took turns sleeping on the fold out couch while the other slept in the super uncomfortable chair by baby's bedside.  The next night we were finally comfortable enough (or exhausted enough) that we shared the couch. Those 4 days were spent trying to entertain a toddler, convince her to eat the hospital food, and keeping wires untangled (virtually impossible on a 20 month old by the way) and hoses unkinked. Pain management was interesting.  One of the pain meds they tried made her super hyper so we ended up having a midnight dance party one night.  It was nuts. I'm pretty sure she drank her weight in chocolate milk but at least she was getting something.  Hospital food was not to her liking. As she began to feel better it became harder to keep her chest tube from kinking up. There was a limit on the amount of fluid they wanted her to be putting out before they would pull the tube. Once the tube was gone she could go home.  The last night there her acrobatics ended up pinching off the tube. In a way, this showed the doctor she no longer needed it.  They pulled the tube and it was like taking a wild dog off a leash. She was all....over...the...place!!! Running all over, climbing on stuff, 4 days after major surgery!  I tell you, the resilience of a child is truly remarkable. She was given a clean bill of health at her post op appointment and has been doing so well.
We've had the chance to see her a few times since her return home. She and her mom came to our family Christmas gathering. It was so nice to be able to see her during the holidays!
Though we miss her terribly,  we're so thankful for the times we've been able to see her.
As we've had opportunity to get to know her mom a little better, we've grown to love her too.  She's just as much family to us as our little Sweet Pea is. This whole experience with their family has been amazing and truly what foster care should be, partnering with the parents, and all for the good of the child.

New Kids
After Sweet Pea went home, we had told our agency we wanted a little break. We had just moved. The crib wasn't even put together, boxes everywhere...and we were grieving the loss of our first placement.  Cliff's mom was in the midst of chemo treatments.  My mom was scheduled for knee replacement surgery right before Thanksgiving.  We had A LOT going on. Our first week in our new home the agency called us twice about taking new placements. Every call from the agency is life changing.  Whether you take the child or not, you still think about that kid and wonder what's going on with them.  We had to say no to those two placements but then they called again. Things were still crazy for us but for some reason we didn't say no to these kids.  It was a brother (alias "chrysanthemum/chrys" 3 years old) and sister (alias "Lily" 15 months old) needing a home.  Thus began the longest 2 weeks and 6 days of my life.
The little boy, who we had been told was "high energy", had some pretty significant behavioral issues on top of the "high energy". He wasn't potty trained yet, knew no colors, letters, or numbers.  Right away I started with potty training.  I know probably not the best thing to try for a kid in such turmoil and upheaval but is was pretty hard for me to change his diaper given his size...not to mention how yuck they could be. I began teaching him his ABCs while we washed hands after going potty.  We counted our fruit loops in the morning at breakfast. By the time he left our home he was partly potty trained, knew some of the alphabet and could count to 3....MAJOR accomplishments on his part.  As he became more comfortable in our home it became clear that he was not used to boundaries or structure. He had zero respect for me and was violent. When he was put in time out I was called names a 3 year old should not even know.  I was hit and kicked hard enough to leave bruises. It was awful. I was unable to run errands as it would end with this child calling me vulgar names in walmart or with him running from me as I tried to get everybody in the car.  Cliff came home from work on multiple occasions to find me bawling. I was so beat down all....day....long...by a 3 year old!!
We struggled with trying to understand where he had come from and why he behaved this way. It quickly became clear that he needed more than we could give him. Sometimes love isn't enough. We ended up requesting an emergency removal for him the night before Thanksgiving.  We still have his little sister with us. She's doing really well. She is a sweet little girl whose vocabulary is expanding every day. She loves to dance and loves for Cliff to give her kisses when he gets home from work. As soon as she hears the garage open, she starts puckering up and saying "muah". She loves being the center of attention and is just thriving.   She has her moments like any 18 month old. We have to walk around the house as she points out all the no-nos just to make sure they're still off limits.
The other day she got a hold of the cable remote and did something so that it wouldn't work. I got down on the floor in front of the cable box to try to figure it out. I manually turned off the cable box (something she gets a time out for). She leaned over me, pointed at the cable box, shakes her head and very sternly says "noooo-noooo!!"  She's a little goofball and makes us laugh.

New Sprout
Keeping with the euphemism where all of the kids who come to us have flower nicknames and they're new to our "garden", we got a call about a new little sprout. Well, let me back up...i have been increasingly frustrated at the fact that we still haven't found our forever child.  Feeling like it will never happen going through foster care, i talked to  cliff about pursuing an open adoption outside of the foster care system. We decided to go ahead and start trying to find a birthmom on our own.  The next day we get a call from our agency.  This little girl is needing a new home and it is an adoption situation. If we took her in, we would be fostering her until we were able to adopt her.  Mind= Blown! Are you kidding me? ! Is this for real? ! We got pertinent information about her. I contacted her current foster mom and we made arrangements to meet the baby. As the meeting approached, I began to have a slight breakdown. I became flooded with all of these emotions, the greatest being fear. I texted my sweet friend Beth, who has adopted her son. She called me back and  listened and encouraged me as I cried my way through my emotions.  Cliff asked why i called Beth. I began to tear up and explained how I was feeling.  (Partially?  jokingly) he says "so you're gonna cry about it?"  I said "see now THAT's why I called Beth!" Ugh...men :P
So Saturday night we went and spent the evening with the family and met this beautiful 10 month old, little girl. It was a nice evening and we had a good time.  Cliff and I got home and discussed taking her. We had prayed about it for days.  I had prayed that I would know if she was "our" baby.  Sadly,  neither of us felt like we're the family for her. Do you have any idea how hard it is to call someone and tell them you "don't want" their baby? Ugh it sucks! We absolutely weren't rejecting her. It was just clear to us that God was saying "nope. Not that one".  I have to say as hard as it was to make that decision,  I feel like it was the best for all involved.
I'm not sure if it's a luxury or curse that we get to "try out" kids before we decide to adopt them. It's just a crazy, weird feeling.  I don't know if I could explain it if I tried.

Lily
The day after we got the call about the possible adoption,  we received another call from our agency telling us that Lily may be moving soon. The family that has her brother has requested that he be moved in order for him to receive the attention and services he needs. Since the state tries to keep siblings together,  Lily will be included in that request. If the state is not able to find a home that can take both kids it is possible she may stay with us. Right now we just don't know!

So now you're all caught up!
*whew* that was quite an update.  Sorry it was so long. Hopefully,  it won't be so long in between updates next  time!

Thank you to everyone who is supporting us in our journey to find our forever family.  Your prayers and shoulders to cry on are very much appreciated.

Prayer Requested

I feel like so much has been happening that I'm not even sure where to start!  

First, we finally got in to the new house!!  Yay!! We've moved into the new house and spent the last week or so getting the old house "rent ready".  Lots of paint, some new flooring and no less than 10 trips to Lowes and Home Depot.  I'm finally happy with it and comfortable with strangers living in "my" house.  It actually looks really nice now.  Though it  only took 5 sentences to say this, it has taken up 98% of our time for the last 2 weeks or so.

It's been 2 weeks and 2 days since Sweet Pea officially returned to her family.  I met up with her mother at court.  I was unfamiliar with the process so I followed her lead.  She signed in on a clipboard.  I asked the officer sitting there if I needed to sign in as well.  He asked what I was there for and I said " a hearing for my foster daughter".  He said "are the parents here?"  I said "yes that was mom who just signed in".  He scrunched up his face "Did y'all come together??".  I told him that no we just met up in the parking lot.  He says "but still...you guys are here together?  That doesn't usually happen.  I guess that IS in the best interest of the child though..."  You could tell he was totally confused by our amicability.  It saddens me to think that our situation is so unusual.  Why can't parents (foster and bio) work together for the good of the child?!  They aren't property to be won.  They aren't pawns to be toyed with.  I don't understand why it has to be so difficult for some.

We've had the good fortune to be able to see Sweet Pea a couple of times since her return, as she has had a few doctor appointments.  In late August she had her follow up with her pulmonary specialist.  Unfortunately, the follow up chest xray indicated there was still something of concern in her lung.  The pulmonary doctor ordered a chest cat scan to see if we could get a better look at what was going on.  The CT scan was done the day after she returned home to her mom.  Because of my knowledge of her medical history, her mother asked me to go along.  Sweet Pea would need to be sedated and that frightened both of us.  Together we wait as they are prepping to sedate her for the CT.  Her mom holds her while the doctor administers the medication to make her go to sleep.  She drifts off and the doctor takes her, places her limp body on the imaging table and her mom and I both start crying.  It was just a bit much for us.  We went back to the prep room to wait in silence.  I anticipated that it would take up to a week to get the results.  I knew that it wasn't an "urgent" issue and there would likely be no rush.  That afternoon the pulmonary doctor called.  There are cysts in her lungs that take up a good portion of one lung.  They contribute to infection (like all of the respiratory issues she had when she came to us) and if left long term can turn cancerous.  Whoa!  Wait a minute?! CANCEROUS?!? The pulmonary doctor recommended surgical removal as soon as possible (before cold and flu season hits).  Her mom called me.  "What do you think we should do?". I tried very hard to not lead her into me making the decision.  This was her child now and moms have to make decisions like this.  At the same time, I couldn't help but think how scary it must be for her.  She's been a full time mom for less than 24 hours at this point and they're talking about cutting her kid open.  I'd be looking for guidance too!  So we talked and both agreed that we didn't want Sweet Pea to be that sickly kid who gets pneumonia every time the sniffles go around at school nor do we want her to have to endure chemo or radiation later in life should the cysts turn cancerous.  I told her mom "We can always go have the surgical consult and discuss it.  We're not agreeing to the surgery right now.  We're just getting more information and more information doesn't hurt anything".  I offered to go with her again and the next week we met with the surgeon. She explained the cysts were likely something that occurred when Sweet Pea was being formed in the womb.  She reassured her mother "It's nothing you did.  It just happened".  She showed us the scan of Sweet Pea's lung.  When they had said "cysts" I had imagined like little teeny fish egg sized cysts.  Nope...these are full on large grape sized cysts in her little bitty lungs.  They start at the bottom of the lobe and branch up into the upper part of one of her lungs.  The surgical option? Remove 1/2 to 3/4 of the lung.  Um WHAT!?  I thought we were just talking about removing the cysts!!  Now we're talking about removing most of her lung?!?!?  Her mom and I kind of looked at each with the same look of horror and fear.  We both cried.  The surgeon is AMAZING though.  She was so good at explaining what would take place that we really couldn't think of any questions to ask.  I kept wondering if we were missing some aspect.  Removing half a lung...I feel like I should question SOMETHING!  The doctor left the room and gave her mom and I a chance to talk.  We decided we'd go ahead and schedule the surgery.  We wanted it over and done with.  We don't want a ticking time bomb left to go off whenever her body so chooses.  She's young and resilient.  She'll recover more quickly at this age and God willing won't remember much of it (I hope).  We are scared to death. They are cutting our baby open and removing most of one of her vital organs.  We had a hard enough time when they sedated her for the cat scan!! I can only imagine what we'll be like when they take her for surgery.  I remember when Cliff had his lung surgery and what that entailed.  I hate to think of my little Sweet Pea having to endure that.  The doctor said that she would be in the hospital for a minimum of 3 days but we should plan on a week just in case.  Her mom invited both Cliff and I to be there and of course we will be. 

Because of her doctor appointments we've been able to see Sweet Pea once a week since her return home.  I think it's a good transition for all involved.  My job has shifted from being the best mom I can be for Sweet Pea to helping her mother be the best mom she can be.  I've told her that Cliff and I will always be available to help her out (within reason).  If you think of us at all in the coming week, specifically on the 1st, your prayers are greatly desired and appreciated.  

I Miss Her

I miss her SO much. 
During the day, when she's gone to her visits, I can keep myself busy getting stuff ready to move. I can pack or paint or whatever.   Come 8pm when I settle down for the evening and would normally be putting her to bed, is when it hits.  Then when I go to bed and I can't hear her breathing or music in the baby monitor, I begin to cry. Like right this minute, I can't stop. I can barely see to type this out. I would rather stay awake all night than toss and turn in the silence.
Her visits have gone to 4 overnights for the next 2 weeks until court. Basically,  we get her for this next weekend (just the 2 days) then pending the outcome of court she'll return to her family. 
The silence is deafening.  Her absence is heartbreaking and most painful. How do foster parents do this multiple times? !
We talk about her almost as if she has died. "Remember when she..." or "just the other day she....". We laugh.  We cry. We miss her so very much.
We signed papers for the new house today. We lamented about how Sweet Pea wouldn't be able to move to the new house with us.  Tonight,  as I sit missing her,  I wonder if that's better for her.  Will it make transition easier for her if she comes to visit us in the new house rather than coming back the house that she lived in for so long?  Will the change of scenery be less confusing for her...or more confusing?  I don't know.
All I know is right now my arms are empty. ..again. My heart is sad...again. I'm crying myself to sleep...again.
I know there are so many kids in foster care who need a loving, safe place to stay but I really don't know how many times I can do this. I knew this would be hard but you never know just how difficult until you're in the midst of it.
Is the pain worth it? Dare I say? Absolutely.

The Dance

I knew the day would come. Unfortunately,  that doesn't make this any easier.  We knew going in to this that Sweet Pea wouldn't be staying forever and now the time is upon us for her return home.  Of course, we're grateful that she is able to go home but our hearts and our home now have a void that just can't be explained.
When I was in high school, Garth Brooks had a song called "The Dance ".  Not until recently have the lyrics been echoing through my mind.
I could have gone this past 18 months without the "joys" of parenthood like teething,  sleepless nights, frightening trips to the urgent care, breathing treatments,  diaper rashes, etc. But then I would've had to miss my first mother's day,  first family portraits, planning the first birthday party and the first time putting out cookies for Santa.  I could have gone the rest of my life without scooping poop out of the tub...twice, but then I might have missed all the fun of soapy hairdos,  bubble beards, and her giggles when she would splash me or pour water on my head.  I could have gone without the pain of packing up her little suitcase but I would have missed out on all the shopping for cute little pink frilly outfits. I could've done without packing up all of her toys and books but then I would've missed out on all the block towers built and all the stories we read together.

I could have gone the rest of my life never knowing the heartache of saying " goodbye" to her but I would have missed the immeasurable joy of saying " hi" to her one April evening.

I could've missed the pain but then I'd have had to miss the dance.