Waiting...

A friend at work recently stopped by my desk to say it had been a while since she'd read my blog and wanted to know what was new. I thought "gee, maybe because I haven't written a blog for a while". I thought there wasn't anything new to update, but then she and I chatted for about 10 minutes about what was new. Soooo, I guess a blog update is in order! 

Basically, we're waiting...Waiting for our background checks to come thru and for that call to schedule our homestudy, which could come any minute now. After that, we're waiting for the call for a baby. I've been busy researching daycares. I think this step bothers me the most. I've waited so long for a baby and I'm now working fulltime due to some "restructuring" at my job. I'm really hoping that there will come a day when I can stay at home and just take care of babies all day. Anyhow, it is what it is and God continues to provide for us financially. I really can't wait for that call that says there is a baby waiting for us to come get him/her. I'm excited about being a foster parent and maybe making a difference in a little kiddo's life. I'm really hoping that after the homestudy, while we are caring for a child who needs a good home for a little bit, we will be able to find a child who is needing a forever home. Until that happens though we'll give a great home to someone who needs it. So like I said...we're waiting...rather impatiently at this point.

I am so excited about what this year holds in store for us. I've been diligently getting things organized in preparation for our homestudy.  Ok, so maybe not "diligently" but I AM working on getting more organized and purging stuff I don't need out of my house.  I am so nervous about the homestudy  process. What if we've come this far and there's something wrong with "us" that prevents us from being accepted as foster parents!? I know this is my own insecurity and it's highly probable that my home is MUCH safer for these kids than the homes they're coming from. After all, that's why they're not in those homes anymore right?

Anyhow, I've finished the kiddo's room...it's just missing one crucial element....

 

Personally, I think it's awfully darn cute :) 

Sometimes I walk past the room and just stop and stare.  I can't believe that after all these years, there's finally a crib in that room.  I sit in the recliner that once belonged to my husband's father and picture myself rocking a baby, singing lullabies.  I can't believe this is really happening.

 

We've been blessed over and over again by donations of toys and clothes in our preparations.  I can't thank the gifters enough for being so very supportive and generous to us.  Baby even got Christmas gifts this year! (well last year...you know what I meant)

 

This past holiday season was much easier than years before it. I could rejoice in knowing that this was likely the last Thanksgiving where we would not be parents...the last Christmas not buying that special toy for OUR child. I realize that is not what those holidays are about but when you live with infertility, it leeches into every aspect of your life, overshadowing those special, sacred times.

 

I'll be honest...Im SOOOOO tired of waiting. I know God has a perfect plan. I argue with Him that I've waited so long for this and could He just speed it up a bit. I think back to people who survived September 11, 2001 because it was their turn to pick up donuts for the office or had a sick child that they stayed home with. These "kinks" in their day were all part of a greater plan for them to go on. I think of the days when something doesn't go the way I think it should and later find out that something happened or didn't happen, that was to my benefit. I try to think that when I get stuck in traffic or something, maybe God is saving me from a horrible accident ahead. I'm trying to remember that infertility is just a "kink" in my path to motherhood. Had we been able to conceive a child, we likely would never have considered foster care and maybe a child who needs a safe, loving home, would've missed out on something that only we can provide him/her. So we wait...for God's perfect timing, to bring that specific child to our home at the perfect time.



Precious Life

I know, I know....it's been a while since my last post.  I really try to not let so much time go in between but the days just get away from me sometimes, ya know?
Soooooo, what's happened since my last writing...

Let's see...

Hubby and I have both had pneumonia.  "Not fun" does not even begin to describe that.  I always thought of pneumonia as just a really bad cold.  You take some cough syrup, rest a couple of days and boom!  You're fine again.  Could I have BEEN any more wrong?!?  Holy smokes!  Cliff got sick first, ironically just a few weeks after receiving the pneumonia vaccine.  It was recommended for him because he's "high risk" with his diabetes and all.  Well, nobody said anything about the wife who lives with him getting the vaccine!  My theory is that because he had gotten the vaccine, he didn't get quite as sick as I did.  He says I'm just a weenie.  A couple of weeks into his illness I got sick.  I was out of work for 2 weeks with fevers, coughing so hard I couldn't catch a breath or began coughing up blood.  I'm very grateful for my mom and aunt stopping by to bring soups, Popsicles, dark chocolate (it's a cough suppressant ya know), chocolate chip cookies (I had a craving) and Lysol wipes and spray.  It was miserable but we're slowly on the mend.  Slowly but surely, coughing a little less.  Soon we'll be as right as rain :)

This may seem menial when compared to the next paragraph but I woke this morning really missing Buddy today.  Friday's are hard when I hear the garbage truck but not his barking after it.  I know he always felt victorious every Friday when the truck would come and he would bark and "scare it away".   Still miss that dog :(

Today has been a day of sadness for so many people.  One of my friends has a friend who, earlier this week, found their 10 year old son in bed, unconscious/not breathing.  He's been in a coma and on a ventilator all week.  He passed away today.  They determined that it was the flu that caused this.
And unless you've been under a rock all day today, you've heard about the horrible tragedy in Connecticut.  My heart is so broken for these families.  I cannot begin to imagine the horror of losing a child. It doesn't matter if it's due to an illness or a senseless act of violence.  It's all tragic.  No parent should know that kind of pain.  Please join me in praying for these families.

On the foster care front, we've finished all of our classes, gotten our fingerprinting done. We just have a couple of forms (that weren't listed on the checklist-otherwise they would've been turned in already!) to turn in to Youth for Christ. The lady processing our paperwork said that the way we've gathered/turned in our paperwork has been phenomenal. Gotta admit I was a little proud when she said that! Then my other thought was "I've waited so long to be a mom. Why would I do anything to drag out the process even longer than it has to be!?" I'm ready!! Let's get this show on the road!!!! Next step, after getting our clearances from the background checks will be the homestudy!!

Before I end this post, I would like to take a moment to congratulate one of my blog readers.  She, like me, has PCOS and struggled to conceive.   She persevered and about 6 weeks ago became a mom!  Congratulations Ashley on the birth of Baby R!  God bless you and your family now and always!

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Roller Coaster

Today was Day 3 of our PRIDE classes.  I was feeling super emotional at the beginning for some reason, well actually through out the whole session I guess.   They say that this whole process is an emotional roller coaster.  If ever I needed an example of that, today was the day.

The session today was filled with role playing. I HATE role playing.  I am not a good actress.  I certainly am no good at ad-libbing.  Give me a script to read and I can get the job done.  Have me try to come up with scripting?? and it's gonna be a super short interaction.  Then you add in rules such as you cannot ask the "child" any questions.  O_o  Whaaaaat???  Grrrrrr...ugh I hate role playing.  You cannot possibly prepare for every way that the child in your care may react.  And no matter how you role play, you really don't know what you will say in a situation until you are IN the situation.  I guess some people find role plays valuable and see them as excellent practice or learning experiences.  I do not.  Have I mentioned that I hate role playing?

One time that was a little difficult for me was when we had to pretend that we were about 7 years old.  We had to list the things we would want to take with us if we had to suddenly leave our home.  Then we had to write a journal entry that looked back on that time as if we could not bring those things with us.  How would we feel?  Well this was relatively easy for me because I knew what I'd want to bring for the most part. Topping the list were my cabbage patch doll Melisa, my Care Bear and my Strawberry Shortcake watch. I DID have to all of a sudden (for me) leave my home when I was about 6 and my parents separated for a period of time.  Fortunately I didn't have to leave much, if anything behind.  I did suddenly have to sleep by myself, in a strange room, that echoed because there wasn't much in it.  It was strange.  It smelled different than my other home.  I couldn't just ride my bike or walk to Grandma's any more.  I guess I had never realized how difficult that time in my life was until today, how scared and sad I was. I also felt confused and guilty.  I thought it was my fault, something I'd done.   I remember telling one of my classmates at school that we couldn't live all together anymore because I squeezed the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end.  At the time that seemed like the most logical reason to me.  I had no idea what else came in to play in the situation.  This is how my little 6 year old mind interpreted the situation.  It breaks my heart to think about the children who are feeling that loneliness and sadness and maybe even guilt. I can't imagine how I would've felt as a foster child who wasn't able to bring my doll or care bear, or my mom with me...to suddenly have NONE of my things or comfort items around me.  Anyhow that particular exercise brought up emotions I wasn't expecting to have to deal with today...emotions I wasn't even aware still existed but evidently they do.

To close on a high note, we'll back up to the beginning of the class... the pastor started off our session with prayer. As he prayed "Father God, please be with these moms and dads..." *Tamra starts crying* He just called me MOM. I was totally not expecting that kind of reaction. He wasn't a friend or family member trying to give me a pep talk or sooth my broken heart. I've waited for so long to be recognized as a mom. I just don't even have the words for the sheer joy that just hearing the word "mom" brought to me. I am a mom...I am a mom...I am a mom! You may think "No you aren't...you don't have a kid yet" I am just as much a mom as a woman who is pregnant. Somewhere in the world tonight is a baby out there, who may just be conceived or maybe just born, who will come in to my home needing all the love, safety, and comfort I have to give. I am a mom, just waiting for my child.

I am a mom :)

Sorry...I've Been Busy

Sorry, it's been a while since my last blog.  We've been super busy!  We began our PRIDE classes on Oct 12th and 13th.  We've had our physicals and TB tests.  All of our animals have been to the vet and are licensed.  99.9999% of our paperwork is done.  We just have a couple of stragglers that need to be finished up and still need to take our CPR/First Aid/Blood born pathogen class on Nov 3rd.

On October 15th I had something monumental happen.  I ordered a crib!!  I literally cried after I pressed 'ENTER' on the keyboard.  It may not seem like that big of a deal to any one else but I have waited a LONG time to do that.  I've always been the one to help host baby showers.  I'm always shopping for everyone else's baby showers, always wondering when it would be my turn.  One of my friends is wanting to throw a shower for me and it feels SO weird to me.  For one there's the fact that it just seems like such a foreign concept to me. And secondly, our situation is a little different.  We'll be doing "foster-to-adopt".  We're working with a place where the primary focus is foster care.  We have no idea of who our first foster child might be.  What age?  What gender? It is my hope that we get a young infant but that may not happen.  My Grandma had offered to buy our crib.  In order to show her the one I'd chosen I went online at Babies R US and put together a wishlist.  (Kind of like a baby registry without having to have a birth date.)  Before I knew it I was "Oh look a diaper bag...oh look at that blanket...ooooooohh a wipee warmer!"  Because I want a newborn of course my "wishes" all gravitated towards newborn/infant care/needs.  I had so much fun putting that list together...another thing I've waited a long time to do.  Anyhow, that being said...do you throw showers for foster parents?? I mean, yes there are things we'll need when a child is placed with us.  There are things I would like to have on hand in case of a late night child placement with us, rather than having to make a midnight run to Walmart.  It just feels weird for it to be MY shower....surreal.  I keep waiting to wake up.  Everything's gone so smooth up to this point.  I don't know if that's a sign of things to come or if God's giving me a break with this process because it's going to get difficult and I'll need the strength later on.

Well I guess not everything's going smoothly...There are MAJOR changes coming soon at my job.  Layoffs and "restructuring".  With these changes it looks like if I want to stay as a part time employee I will have to change departments/shifts.  If I want to stay in the department that I've been in for 13 years, I'll have to go back to working full time.  I'm REALLY struggling with the decision.  I LOVE working part time.  I feel like I worked a long time towards getting a part time position, like it was my reward for hanging in there.  I loved being able to spend my days off with my niece.  God allowed me that.  Now as I'm "expecting" our foster children, I may have to go to full time?? Just doesn't seem fair.  I flip flop back and forth between "I love being part time" and "what is an extra 10 hours a week anyway".  I hate that we'll finally have children in our home and I may have to put them in daycare?  What's the point of being a foster mom if someone else is going to be raising the children for more than 8 hours per day??  Maybe it's God way of providing...maybe I'll work full time for a year, be able to pay off the credit card, while we have foster children.  Maybe after that is when a "legally free/adoptable" child becomes available and after everything's paid off I can quit altogether??  Your prayers as we make this decision would be greatly appreciated.

There's some cleaning, organizing and painting to be done then comes the homestudy!  Your prayers for that would be appreciated too ;)

Thanks again to everyone for all of your support and encouragement.  We greatly appreciate it!

A Rolling Ball And A Blessing

At the last writing I was kind of stressing over the remodel of our bathroom and selecting an agency to begin our adoption process.  Well, the bathroom is completed and looks great (I think).

Before...                                                                      After!!!

This transformation only took 6 days to complete.  However, it was a loooooooong 6 days!

We also decided the route we want to take in pursuing an adoption.  We've contacted the local Youth for Christ office.  They have a foster to adopt program and we are thinking this is what we should do.  I wasn't sure that I could do a foster to adopt situation.  I'm scared to death that a child would be placed in my home and then taken from me to be reunited with their birth family.  Then I found out that I can determine the "type" of child/placement we want.  For instance, I can specify that I would prefer that a child that is placed with us be mostly "legally free".  This means that they will most likely be put up for adoption.  This can be determined by previous history (has the birthmom had other children taken from her by CPS? were parental rights terminated? etc), could be a "safe haven" baby,  things like that.  I submitted the "foster care interest" form online at about 8am and received a call from YFC at about 10am!  The lady I spoke with said she would get an information packet in the mail to me.  I received that the next day.  There are quite a few forms to complete but I look forward to the writer's cramp :)  There is a lot to do in this process...CPR/HIV classes, PRIDE classes, physicals (for us and the animals), finger printing, background checks, bio's to complete...Wow!  Lots to do, but we got the ball rolling!
Switching topics for a bit...I attended two funerals/memorials today.  My heart was so heavy for my friends who had to say goodbye to their loved ones.  I prayed that I would be able to be an encouragement to my friends in the midst of their loss.  One of the services was for my friend's mom.  She lived to be 83  years old and was a very Godly woman.  At the service I learned that she had been a missionary in Hawaii, that she would host Bible clubs for children in her home and that she was a fervent prayer warrior.  I didn't know her but if a woman's child is any testament to her character, seeing what an awesome guy her son is, she was a remarkable woman.  During the service, my friend Beth spoke of her mother in law and how, even in the darkest stages of dementia she had a clarity of mind when she prayed.  Beth would share a concern with mom and she was faithful to pray for the concern/request.  I later found out that our situation was one that she had lifted in prayer.  Also during the service, I was blessed to hear one of my favorite hymns "It Is Well", sung in Samoan...sung by a choir of her friends and family.  It was one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard.  Here I had prayed that I would be an encouragement and I was the one being encouraged.  What a blessing!

 

Motherhood

 

I AM a mom...I just don't have my child yet

 

My Head May Explode...

So it's been a month since my last post.  Not much has happened.  However, next week I'll be busier than a (insert your own politcally incorrect euphemism here), so I figured I better post something now.  Next week, we are having our bathroom rebuilt and I'm geting ready for an adoption fundraising yard sale next weekend.  I've looked at so many pedestal sinks I want to throw up in the next one I see.  I've looked at bathroom fixtures until my eyes crossed.  I've googled so many adoption agencies my head started hurting. 
Why does it have to be so difficult to find an adoption agency!?  I don't want to have to spend so much on my adoption that I'll be paying for that AND my child's college tuition at the same time!  I don't want to have to work after we adopt.  I've waited a LONG time to have a baby.  I do NOT want to have to put my baby in daycare.  There are so many options when it comes to adoption that I just don't know where to turn.  I sought out the social worker at work.  I told her I had some questions about adoption.  She cocked her head to one side and says "Did you know that my background is in adoption?!"  Um noooooooo, I seriously had no idea.  She gave me a few resources but even with that bit of direction I'm not sure where to go/what to do.  I wish that you could compare adoption agencies side by side like you can pedestal bathroom sinks.  It would make this SOOOO much easier!
In addition to the bathroom stuff, yard sale stuff (which has included cleaning and purging every room in my house), adoption stuff I've also gotten involved with a relatively new local charity.  It's called Charlie's Dinosaur and it's named for Charlie Powell or more correctly for his dinosaur drawing.  It's an awesome charity in honor of the boys and is being run by some very busy sheriff's detectives.  I offered to assist and they're taking me up on my offer!  I'm so excited to be a part of this amazing program and can't wait to see what it grows in to!!
With all of the Charlie's Dinosaur ideas floating around in my head in addition to all my personal stuff (bathroom remodel, cleaning, purging, googling, adoption etc) my head is just swimming in information.  I can't concentrate on anything.  I have a difficult time sleeping because I just can't turn my brain off and rest.  When I do fall asleep, it's not a good sleep because I'm dreaming about all of these things. 
My newest addiction is watching "Guiliana & Bill".  Their story encourages me and inspires me.  At the same time it makes me think..."Hmmm maybe I should give up on the adoption thing and find a uterus to borrow".  Anyone not using theirs for the next 9 months or so?! lol
Anyhooooo....praying for God's direction because I seriously have not a clue.  I KNOW I will be a mom one day.  How that will happen I don't know for sure but I trust God's got a perfect plan.  I just REALLY hope He manifests that sooner rather than later.