It's Official!!

Yesterday NKOTB released their newest album "10" which of course thrilled me to no end!  I arrived home from work at my usual time last night but sat in the driveway for a few minutes, loading the album to the hardrive of my car.  Just as I was almost finished, my cell phone rang.  DANGIT!  Because my cell phone also rings thru my car with the bluetooth, it totally messed up what I was doing.  "Grrr *grumble*  Hello?"  paraphrased>>"Hi, This is Youth for Christ.  Just calling to let you know that you've been licensed!"  Me: <instant cheesball grin> Yaaaaaayyyyyyy!  Went and checked my mail and this is what came...

I think I just went from "braxton hicks" to straight labor! or maybe this is the pushing part....

Anxiously <understatment of the year> awaiting *THE* call that brings the child that I've been longing for, home.  CAN'T WAIT!!!

Gentle Reminder?

Note to Self and all of my loving, supportive friends and family...but mostly to myself. 

The first baby that comes to our home may not be the one we get to KEEP in our home.  I need to keep telling myself this.

 One of my friends who was also waiting with bated breath for THE CALL received her call on Friday.  I was so excited for her and her husband.  Theeeeeeen the baby went back to the family on Monday.  I know it must've been so difficult to finally receive the call and pick up a days old infant to bring to your waiting home, nursery, heart, only to have them returned to family days later.  If she's anything like me, it was love at first sight.  You go into this knowing that this may be the case for any call you receive.  That's what foster care is...you're providing a home for a child until they can return to their home.  The ultimate goal for the state is reunification.  This is what I worry about...how will I respond/react?   but I still feel like this is what God is calling us to do right now.  I know that if it happens that a child placed in our home eventually returns to their parents or another family member, this is God's will for them at this time.  They will always hold a special place in my heart...my poor, crying, broken heart. 

Daydreaming

I totally could've written this poem...

 

Daydreaming

 

I stepped into her room today
Knowing she's not there
This waiting for referral
Is more than one can bear

But taking in the moment
I sit down on the floor
And dream of her here with me
When waiting is no more.

A little giggle fills the air
As I rub her feet
I place my hand upon her heart
To feel its every beat.

A song is sung so very soft
Her eyes begin to close
She’s meeting me in dream land
A place where love still grows.

My vision now is very blurred
The tears stream down my cheeks
I’ve dreamed of her quite often
Throughout these past few weeks.

Suddenly a sound is heard
The phone rings in the hall
Waking up I quickly pray
Please let it be "The Call."

Legacy Of An Adopted Child

LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED CHILD

Once there were two women

Who never knew each other.

One you do not remember,

The other you call mother.

Two different lives

Shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life

And the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.

One gave you a seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

One gave you up --

It was all that she could do.

The other prayed for a child

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me

Through your tears,

The age-old question

Through the years:

Heredity or environment

Which are you the product of?

Neither, my darling -- neither,

Just two different kinds of love.

                                                     ~Author Unknown

Braxton Hicks

This past week last led me to the conclusion that home studies are the "braxton hicks contractions" of adopting/fostering.

I've never been pregnant but my understanding of Braxton Hicks is they are the uterine contractions that are 1) uncomfortable 2) prep the body for the arrival of a baby 3) signal that the arrival of the child is imminent.  Home studies?? Same thing.

The home study consists of some pretty uncomfortable questions, talking about my childhood, what my family was like, etc.  Now this may come as a shock to some who know me, but my childhood wasn't all unicorns and rainbows.  It was hard.  I struggled a lot with self esteem issues, depression, the effects of abuse within the family....Memories and feelings I haven't had to deal with for many years. Unpleasant to say the least.  I had difficulty sleeping, worried about how my past may look to an outsider now.  One of these days I'll care less about what people think about me. 

Home studies prep you for the arrival of a baby.  Most people would clean their house like it's never been cleaned before.  I'll be honest...I did NOT do that.  I figured the social worker is going to need to see my house in it's natural state of chaos.  I purposefully did not dust the furniture.  The house was cleaned and organized but it did not get the toothbrush scrubbing/fine tooth comb treatment.  Lord knows I do not clean like that on a regular basis.  The cob webs were gone.  Floors were vacuumed.  As much as I stressed over the cleanliness of my house (I'm not the best housekeeper), they need to see what my house looks like on the average day.  The home inspection went very smoothly.  The only thing we'll eventually have to adjust is our fire extinguisher.  Even though the certification number on it matches the state requirements, it's only a 4 1/2lb fire extinguisher not a 5lb.  She again complimented us on our preparedness.  We had everything on the check list.  I'm thinking "isn't that the point of a checklist!?"  I guess some people don't look at it that way.

I think my greatest source of stress/anxiety is comparison number 3.  Home studies signal that the arrival of a child in imminent...like every day from this day on I'll freak out whenever my phone rings, wondering if it's THE call.  I really think that is what I was/am so freaked out about.  I've waited so long to have a child and the countdown is ON!!  I think, like with any expectant mother you reach that point where you think "I got this.  I am TOTALLY prepared"...then contractions start and you think "WAIT!! I'm not ready!!"    The paperwork now gets submitted to the state for them to  process and sign off.  The agency gets notified that we've been licensed and then they will call to place a child in our home.   We've specified age 0-3 years.  They will take in to account that 1) we are wanting to adopt 2) we've requested a younger child but they may place a child that is outside of our specifications if they feel that he/she would be a good fit in our home.  We have the option of saying no but hey, have you met me??!!  The chances of that happening are slim to none.

So after yeeeeeeaaaaars of waiting, my labor had finally started.  My time is coming...SOON!!

Best...Week...Ever...So Far

I started typing this blog about 20 times and I really didn't/don't know where to start...

I have had an amazing week.  Last Friday we had some very dear friends over for dinner.   It had been a while since we'd seen each other and it was great to catch up. On Saturday I got to spend a little time with my niece Q.  Granted we spent most of our time together napping, what's better than napping away a Saturday with one of your favorite people!?  On Sunday we went to church and then after, my friend Beth and I went to see The Tenors perform at Benaroya Hall.  If you've never been there it is a gorgeous hall and if you've never heard or seen the Tenors, they too are gorgeous and sing so very beautifully.  We had incredible seats...so close that one of the guys (Clifton Murray) smiled and waved at us to which we responded like 13 year old girls *giggling* "OMG he WAVED at US!!!!!!" *giggling*...ok maybe that was just me but whatever.  After the Concert we went out to eat and stuffed ourselves, so much so that we just HAD to sit there for a couple of hours chatting while our food settled. We had a great girls day out and I can NOT wait for the next time. 
So I've been riding the "Tenors Concert High" all week.  I cannot get enough of their music.  I've listened to their new CD on repeat all week with the old one thrown in there occasionally.  I cannot wait to hear what they record next and it kinda bums me out that I have to wait for them to finish this tour before they'll probably even think of the next CD.
I swear this CD is like the soundtrack for our "Baby Journey".  If you read the track list it starts off with "you and I" and ends with a lullaby, with "Lead With Your Heart" (title track), "Anchor Me", "Amazing Grace" and "Forever Young" in the middle.  You bet I cried more than once during the concert when they sang these songs.

Last night, I was out running some errands.  I saw this great idea about making hanging candle holders out of mason jars.  I thought it would look great in my Americana living room.  After buying the stuff to make these I'm not sure it is a very cost effective endeavor but doggone it, it'll be cute.  Anyhoo, while I'm out I miss a call.  Check my phone a bit later and realize I have a voicemail from our foster agency wanting to schedule our homestudy.  My heart instantly starts beating out of my chest and I start having a little trouble breathing.  Soooo this must be what a panic attack feels like!  Instead of running in to my house and freaking out, cleaning like a mad woman (like I should have done) I think I kind of shut down.  I cooked myself some dinner, sat down, watched a little tv and calmed myself.  I came to the realization that my house will never look the way I want it to for our homestudy...unless I rebuild or move.  There are things to worry about and things to let go of.  I'm letting go of the "my house must not have any dust/dirt/dog hair anywhere".  I realize that if/when someone from the agency stops by unexpectedly they're GOING to see the usual state of my home.  THIS is what my house looks like on your average day.  There may be dust on the furniture and will most likely...aw who am I kidding...there WILL definitely be dog hair on the floor.

I called the lady back today to schedule and she says "I think we will get along juuuuuust fine.  When I got your voicemail last night I heard your NKOTB ringback tone!" We laughed and our first of three visits is scheduled for Monday.  She specifically said "Don't worry about the state of your home.  The inspection will come later.  This is just a 'getting to know you' type of visit".   Wheeeeeewww!  But you KNOW I will still be doing some major cleaning this weekend!! 
I'f you could please pray that I will stay calm and not freak out, that would be awesome.

Thanks!

Waiting...

A friend at work recently stopped by my desk to say it had been a while since she'd read my blog and wanted to know what was new. I thought "gee, maybe because I haven't written a blog for a while". I thought there wasn't anything new to update, but then she and I chatted for about 10 minutes about what was new. Soooo, I guess a blog update is in order! 

Basically, we're waiting...Waiting for our background checks to come thru and for that call to schedule our homestudy, which could come any minute now. After that, we're waiting for the call for a baby. I've been busy researching daycares. I think this step bothers me the most. I've waited so long for a baby and I'm now working fulltime due to some "restructuring" at my job. I'm really hoping that there will come a day when I can stay at home and just take care of babies all day. Anyhow, it is what it is and God continues to provide for us financially. I really can't wait for that call that says there is a baby waiting for us to come get him/her. I'm excited about being a foster parent and maybe making a difference in a little kiddo's life. I'm really hoping that after the homestudy, while we are caring for a child who needs a good home for a little bit, we will be able to find a child who is needing a forever home. Until that happens though we'll give a great home to someone who needs it. So like I said...we're waiting...rather impatiently at this point.

I am so excited about what this year holds in store for us. I've been diligently getting things organized in preparation for our homestudy.  Ok, so maybe not "diligently" but I AM working on getting more organized and purging stuff I don't need out of my house.  I am so nervous about the homestudy  process. What if we've come this far and there's something wrong with "us" that prevents us from being accepted as foster parents!? I know this is my own insecurity and it's highly probable that my home is MUCH safer for these kids than the homes they're coming from. After all, that's why they're not in those homes anymore right?

Anyhow, I've finished the kiddo's room...it's just missing one crucial element....

 

Personally, I think it's awfully darn cute :) 

Sometimes I walk past the room and just stop and stare.  I can't believe that after all these years, there's finally a crib in that room.  I sit in the recliner that once belonged to my husband's father and picture myself rocking a baby, singing lullabies.  I can't believe this is really happening.

 

We've been blessed over and over again by donations of toys and clothes in our preparations.  I can't thank the gifters enough for being so very supportive and generous to us.  Baby even got Christmas gifts this year! (well last year...you know what I meant)

 

This past holiday season was much easier than years before it. I could rejoice in knowing that this was likely the last Thanksgiving where we would not be parents...the last Christmas not buying that special toy for OUR child. I realize that is not what those holidays are about but when you live with infertility, it leeches into every aspect of your life, overshadowing those special, sacred times.

 

I'll be honest...Im SOOOOO tired of waiting. I know God has a perfect plan. I argue with Him that I've waited so long for this and could He just speed it up a bit. I think back to people who survived September 11, 2001 because it was their turn to pick up donuts for the office or had a sick child that they stayed home with. These "kinks" in their day were all part of a greater plan for them to go on. I think of the days when something doesn't go the way I think it should and later find out that something happened or didn't happen, that was to my benefit. I try to think that when I get stuck in traffic or something, maybe God is saving me from a horrible accident ahead. I'm trying to remember that infertility is just a "kink" in my path to motherhood. Had we been able to conceive a child, we likely would never have considered foster care and maybe a child who needs a safe, loving home, would've missed out on something that only we can provide him/her. So we wait...for God's perfect timing, to bring that specific child to our home at the perfect time.