When we went in to foster care it was our intention that we would open our home to a child who needed a loving, stable home until we could adopt them permanently. The thing with the foster care system is it is usually the plan for the child to return to their birthparents/family. This re-unification process can take a long time. You could also find yourself in a situation like ours where we knew from the get-go that we would not be able to adopt Sweet Pea. In my mind, we would get the call for that one abandoned child that would be eligible for adoption, free and clear. Now, having done this for a bit, I know that is very unlikely to happen...not improbable, but we could be waiting a while.
I say all of that to say this...pursuing a private adoption can be done while we are providing foster care for a child. All of the classes and homestudies we had done to become licensed foster parents can be used for adoption. Just because we have Sweet Pea doesn't mean that we can't also be searching for a birthmom. Should the chance to adopt Sweet Pea come our way we'd love to have a sibling for her!
Now I say THAT to say THIS...I'm just gonna put this out there. If you know of someone who is looking for a good, loving, Christian home for a child that they know they won't be able to parent, please let us know. There's always the chance that a friend of a friend of a friend may be considering putting their child up for adoption. We would love to provide the forever home that child needs. While we feel that God has brought us to this place of providing foster care as a ministry, we don't want our desire to adopt a child to fall by the wayside. I don't want our friends and family to think "Oh they have a kid they're taking care of, they wouldn't want this one". Please keep us in mind if you hear of anything. We will not be offended by any suggestions or offers. We've always been very open and honest about our circumstances and I don't want anyone thinking they can't bring up the subject. By all means, BRING IT UP!! I'm open to just about anything and would love to tell our child that you were an intricate part to them becoming a part of our family forever. :)
Friday, October 11, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged
How many times have you been in the check out line at the grocery store and had that person in front of you dressed to the nines, hair professionally done, nails professionally done with the newest smartphone out there, using WIC coupons? I know I used to get so bugged that my hard earned money was being taxed for them to squander their funds and require state assistance. It never once dawned on me that they could be a foster parent, caring for a child that someone had neglected or abused. I never once stopped to think that maybe there was more to the story than what it appeared to be. The thought never crossed my mind until I was the one using the coupons. I try to go to the store on an "off" time so it's not as crowded. I do this for 2 reasons... 1) using the coupons is a pain in the butt. Each coupon is for a "batch" of items and have to be done in separate transactions. For instance I get about 6 different coupons for Sweet Pea. These 6 coupons purchase 6 cans of formula, 2 boxes of cereal, and 32 jars of baby food. Why that can't all be listed on one coupon is beyond me. So there I am in line with my "regular" purchase and my additional 6 transactions. 2) I feel like I'm being judged because of the way I'm dressed (whether dressed up or not) and using the coupons. Are they really giving me dirty looks or is that just my perception? Because I used to be so judgmental I feel like maybe everyone around me is judging me for using them. I always feel like I have to justify my usage and say things like "Yeah, my foster daughter sure eats a lot"...Like I owe them an explanation for me using them?? The only thing I suppose I should feel badly about is the multiple transactions. Yes, I am *that* person that holds up the line but seriously would YOU want to make 6 different trips to the store (Walmart because they're the only ones who stock enough of her special formula) to get 8 little jars of baby food at a time??!! Maybe if Walmart had more than 3 check outs going at any given time of the day I might make more trips...but it's doubtful.
Being a foster parent has taught me to think about things a little differently....and maybe now you'll think a little differently the next time you're in the check out line behind someone like me ;)
Being a foster parent has taught me to think about things a little differently....and maybe now you'll think a little differently the next time you're in the check out line behind someone like me ;)
Monday, September 16, 2013
Long Time No Blog
Hi...Remember me? Sorry it's been a while since my last post. I've been...uh...busy. I've been busy with diaper changes, baths, bottles, doctors appointments....loooooooots of doctor's appointments, and cuddles...looooooooots of cuddles. I have loved every minute of being a mom, even the hard minutes of breathing treatments and antibiotics. In the last 4 1/2 months the baby has had RSV twice, Pneumonia at least twice possibly 3 times, bronchiolitis twice, and 2 ear infections. It's been very challenging but she's finally doing really well. She had an appointment with her pulmonary doctor today and he said she's doing great! She's 26 1/2 inches tall and weighs 16lbs 10.8 oz!
So, ready for some happy updates?! When baby came to us she was on seizure medication because her previous foster mom had reported "seizure activity" but could never get documentation (video) of said activity. On August 9th Sweet Pea had a "100% normal EEG" and the Doctor said we could start weaning her off of the medication! Yay!! She took her last dose last Monday on my first day home with her. Which brings me to happy news #2!
All of my life, all I've ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom. That was only emphasized when we got Sweet Pea. It killed me to leave her for 8+ hours per day knowing we'll only have her for a few more months. I don't want to miss anything with her. My husband and I talked about what it would take for me to be able to quit my job. When we got Sweet Pea, I split our finances up just to see if we could live off of Cliff's income alone. Time showed we could. We'd have to cut back on some things but we could make it work. Then my husband got a raise! We discussed it in more detail because it looked like after all this time and me always talking about "when I get to stay home..." I was actually going to get to quit my job and raise babies!! Around the same time, there were changes that were going to be taking place with my job and my boss kept talking about "we'll have you on this work group" and "we'll send you to this class/meeting/etc". I didn't feel it was right to keep my boss in the dark about my intentions to leave when she kept making references about my future in my current position. So I ended up giving about a 6 week notice instead of the customary 2 weeks. I have not been happier. Last week was my first full week as a stay at home mom. I got absolutely nothing accomplished and loved every second.
I am SO very grateful for my husband who is willing to take the responsibility for being the sole financial supporter for our family. I'm grateful that it is as important to him as it is to me to stay home with our kids. I'm grateful he loves me enough to help make my dream a reality.
I'll be honest...I never thought I could ever possibly be this happy. NEVER in my life has anything gone the way I'd dreamed or imagined it. Other than meeting NKOTB, none of my dreams have ever become a reality until now. I've never been this happy with my life. It's such a foreign feeling. Am I allowed to be this happy? When is the other shoe going to drop? I picture myself walking in an open field and a piano falling out of the sky and landing directly on me. At my funeral, people will shake their head and say "it was the darndest thing. outta frikkin nowhere a piano BAM!!! Just when everything was going so good for her". Nah, I'll not look a gift horse in the mouth. I'll take this joy with me every day for the rest of my life. Even on rough days, I'll remember what it was like for someone to call me "Mom-mom" and smile from the depths of my soul.
Now that I'm not working hopefully I'll be able to blog a little more often. Lots of changes will be coming our way as things are lined up for Sweet Pea to transition to her home, wherever that may be. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated because when the time comes, Cliff and I will need the support. We've grown to love her SO MUCH that it will rip our hearts out when she leaves. We can use all the support and prayer our friends can offer.
Thank you all for your support up to this point! We really appreciate everything :)
So, ready for some happy updates?! When baby came to us she was on seizure medication because her previous foster mom had reported "seizure activity" but could never get documentation (video) of said activity. On August 9th Sweet Pea had a "100% normal EEG" and the Doctor said we could start weaning her off of the medication! Yay!! She took her last dose last Monday on my first day home with her. Which brings me to happy news #2!
All of my life, all I've ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom. That was only emphasized when we got Sweet Pea. It killed me to leave her for 8+ hours per day knowing we'll only have her for a few more months. I don't want to miss anything with her. My husband and I talked about what it would take for me to be able to quit my job. When we got Sweet Pea, I split our finances up just to see if we could live off of Cliff's income alone. Time showed we could. We'd have to cut back on some things but we could make it work. Then my husband got a raise! We discussed it in more detail because it looked like after all this time and me always talking about "when I get to stay home..." I was actually going to get to quit my job and raise babies!! Around the same time, there were changes that were going to be taking place with my job and my boss kept talking about "we'll have you on this work group" and "we'll send you to this class/meeting/etc". I didn't feel it was right to keep my boss in the dark about my intentions to leave when she kept making references about my future in my current position. So I ended up giving about a 6 week notice instead of the customary 2 weeks. I have not been happier. Last week was my first full week as a stay at home mom. I got absolutely nothing accomplished and loved every second.
I am SO very grateful for my husband who is willing to take the responsibility for being the sole financial supporter for our family. I'm grateful that it is as important to him as it is to me to stay home with our kids. I'm grateful he loves me enough to help make my dream a reality.
I'll be honest...I never thought I could ever possibly be this happy. NEVER in my life has anything gone the way I'd dreamed or imagined it. Other than meeting NKOTB, none of my dreams have ever become a reality until now. I've never been this happy with my life. It's such a foreign feeling. Am I allowed to be this happy? When is the other shoe going to drop? I picture myself walking in an open field and a piano falling out of the sky and landing directly on me. At my funeral, people will shake their head and say "it was the darndest thing. outta frikkin nowhere a piano BAM!!! Just when everything was going so good for her". Nah, I'll not look a gift horse in the mouth. I'll take this joy with me every day for the rest of my life. Even on rough days, I'll remember what it was like for someone to call me "Mom-mom" and smile from the depths of my soul.
Now that I'm not working hopefully I'll be able to blog a little more often. Lots of changes will be coming our way as things are lined up for Sweet Pea to transition to her home, wherever that may be. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated because when the time comes, Cliff and I will need the support. We've grown to love her SO MUCH that it will rip our hearts out when she leaves. We can use all the support and prayer our friends can offer.
Thank you all for your support up to this point! We really appreciate everything :)
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Happy Mother's Day Indeed!
On Sunday, May 12, 2013, I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. I'm still overwhelmed by God's goodness.
The day started off a little rough. Sweet Pea had a lot of congestion (STILL) and cough going on and was having a difficult time breathing. The night before, she and I sat in the bathroom with the shower steaming away until we were both sweating and our hair frizzed out. She thought it was great fun to sit on the edge of the tub playing with the shower curtain while I sweated my butt off sitting on the floor holding her. After a night filled with a steamy bathroom, breathing treatments, bulb suctioning and rocking, she actually slept fairly well. I on the other hand only got about 2 hours of sleep. We ran out of albuterol and Cliff woke up about the time she was due for another treatment. I handed off the baby and ran to the drugstore to get a refill. Given the night we had, I wasn't sure we'd make it to church. Baby was feeling better but momma was dragggggggggiiiiiiiiinnnngggg! (Did I mention that I've been sick with a cold all week?) I did NOT want to miss my first mother's day activities! My mom was coming to church with us. We had a BBQ at my brother's house afterwards. I decided NOTHING was going to keep me from experiencing everything about the day. I didn't want to miss a thing.
We made it to church! My favorite hymn is "Because He Lives". I've loved that song for years. Going through all of our infertility stuff and the depression and hardships that came along with it, I wondered how I would be able to face another day. I can face tomorrow, because HE lives. Because He lives, all fear is gone. I often cried (like every....single....time) on the second verse of that song..."How sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy he gives". I was always saddened and fearful that I would never know that feeling. On Sunday, as I stood in church, holding my little girl in her pretty purple dress, we began singing that song. I made it through the first verse but come the second verse? Wait! What is that?? Oh yes here comes the ugly cry! I stood there holding my "newborn" baby, smelling that heavenly baby smell, feeling all the pride and joy in the world...something I never thought I'd get the chance to experience and i began sobbing. I couldn't believe that everything I'd gone through had finally lead to this moment. I never gave up and God was gracious to bless us with this beautiful little girl.
After church we headed to my brother's house and got to spend the day with beloved family and friends. I loved seeing my little niece so attentive to the baby. She would hold the bottle, cover the baby up with her blanket, bounce her in the bouncy seat, pat the top of her head. She's so fascinated by her. I think she's ready to be a big sister ;)
We went home and I was exhausted. I sat in the recliner while Daddy took care of baby for a bit, catching up on all of the well wishes, texts, facebook posts and cards I'd received throughout the day. I sat drinking from my saucer because my cup had overflowed.
The day started off a little rough. Sweet Pea had a lot of congestion (STILL) and cough going on and was having a difficult time breathing. The night before, she and I sat in the bathroom with the shower steaming away until we were both sweating and our hair frizzed out. She thought it was great fun to sit on the edge of the tub playing with the shower curtain while I sweated my butt off sitting on the floor holding her. After a night filled with a steamy bathroom, breathing treatments, bulb suctioning and rocking, she actually slept fairly well. I on the other hand only got about 2 hours of sleep. We ran out of albuterol and Cliff woke up about the time she was due for another treatment. I handed off the baby and ran to the drugstore to get a refill. Given the night we had, I wasn't sure we'd make it to church. Baby was feeling better but momma was dragggggggggiiiiiiiiinnnngggg! (Did I mention that I've been sick with a cold all week?) I did NOT want to miss my first mother's day activities! My mom was coming to church with us. We had a BBQ at my brother's house afterwards. I decided NOTHING was going to keep me from experiencing everything about the day. I didn't want to miss a thing.
We made it to church! My favorite hymn is "Because He Lives". I've loved that song for years. Going through all of our infertility stuff and the depression and hardships that came along with it, I wondered how I would be able to face another day. I can face tomorrow, because HE lives. Because He lives, all fear is gone. I often cried (like every....single....time) on the second verse of that song..."How sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy he gives". I was always saddened and fearful that I would never know that feeling. On Sunday, as I stood in church, holding my little girl in her pretty purple dress, we began singing that song. I made it through the first verse but come the second verse? Wait! What is that?? Oh yes here comes the ugly cry! I stood there holding my "newborn" baby, smelling that heavenly baby smell, feeling all the pride and joy in the world...something I never thought I'd get the chance to experience and i began sobbing. I couldn't believe that everything I'd gone through had finally lead to this moment. I never gave up and God was gracious to bless us with this beautiful little girl.
After church we headed to my brother's house and got to spend the day with beloved family and friends. I loved seeing my little niece so attentive to the baby. She would hold the bottle, cover the baby up with her blanket, bounce her in the bouncy seat, pat the top of her head. She's so fascinated by her. I think she's ready to be a big sister ;)
We went home and I was exhausted. I sat in the recliner while Daddy took care of baby for a bit, catching up on all of the well wishes, texts, facebook posts and cards I'd received throughout the day. I sat drinking from my saucer because my cup had overflowed.
-Drinking From My Saucer-
I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow
And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
Haven't got a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough
But I've got loving ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.
I thank God for his blessings,
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.
So Lord, help me not to gripe,
about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
If God gives me strength and courage,
When the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy,
to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow
And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
Haven't got a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough
But I've got loving ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.
I thank God for his blessings,
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.
So Lord, help me not to gripe,
about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
If God gives me strength and courage,
When the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy,
to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
30 Minutes Of Wonderful
I love being a mom. If we're FB friends, you probably think that I think that I'm the only one on God's green earth to ever become a mom. *shrugs* Guess I don't really care about that ;) After waiting for so long, everything about it is monumental to me. Every diaper change and feeding is a HUUUUUUGE deal to me. With Mother's Day approaching, for the first time in my life I'm not dreading it. I'm not excluded this year. I can't wait to celebrate. It could be my last and I'm going to soak up every second. I keep flip flopping between emotions. I'm struggling with "Yay, I'm a mom and have a gorgeous daughter" and then I remember she's someone else's daughter who just needed a home for the time being. She will likely be back with her family just in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love her fiercely but at the same time I tell myself not to get too attached (TOO LATE!) because we won't get to keep her. I feel completely devoted to her but at the same time I feel somewhat detached from her, like I can't claim her as mine. Like maybe I'm not really a mom, I'm just borrowing her. Like maybe I shouldn't be celebrating Mother's Day this year after all. Then I think so what! I've always said one of my favorite quotes is "I'd rather have 30 minutes of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special". She's my 30 minutes (or 6-9 months as it were) of wonderful and I'm going to treasure every single moment I have with her.
We've had her in daycare for almost 2 weeks now. I seriously wanted to just quit my job because 1) I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom and 2) if you knew your time with someone was limited, if you knew that after a certain date you would never see them again, would you keep "wasting" 8 hours of your day at work?! I have the luxury of knowing my time with her is limited. I want to spend every second of my day with her. I catch myself speeding to pick her up from daycare. I can imagine the look on the officer's face if/when I get pulled over... "But officer you don't understand! My baby is in daycare and I HAVE to get to her!" Think that will fly? No? Fine...be that way
Cliff and I have already decided that we will likely not do a straight foster care situation again. God, of course could have other plans for us (He usually does) but this is what we've decided. Within a day we were already bonding with her. I know it will kill both of us when we have to give her to her forever home. I've heard Cliff talking to her about paying for schooling and her wedding. I know I don't have to remind him that we won't be responsible for any of that. It is quite likely that we won't even see her for her first birthday. I can only imagine how it will affect us when she leaves. I've mourned a thousand times for the child I didn't have. How much more painful will it be when I lose the one I did have? I struggle with that decision to not do straight foster care because I know there are so many kiddos in foster care who need the kind of home we can provide while they are facing a difficult situation. Each time a child leaves will rip our hearts out. I'm really not sure how much of that my heart could take.
Another thing weighing on me is being sensitive to my friends who are still waiting for their chance to be a mom. It hasn't been that long since I was the "only" one waiting and people were obnoxiously talking about their baby and whatever cute thing they did today. Now I'm that obnoxious person :/ I have friends who will struggle this weekend as they mourn for the child they've not been able to have or the one they did have who has gone to Heaven. My heart hurts for them. I 'm blessed to be able to hug my baby girl tonight and certainly do not take that for granted. She's such a blessing....My 30 minutes of wonderful.
We've had her in daycare for almost 2 weeks now. I seriously wanted to just quit my job because 1) I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom and 2) if you knew your time with someone was limited, if you knew that after a certain date you would never see them again, would you keep "wasting" 8 hours of your day at work?! I have the luxury of knowing my time with her is limited. I want to spend every second of my day with her. I catch myself speeding to pick her up from daycare. I can imagine the look on the officer's face if/when I get pulled over... "But officer you don't understand! My baby is in daycare and I HAVE to get to her!" Think that will fly? No? Fine...be that way
Cliff and I have already decided that we will likely not do a straight foster care situation again. God, of course could have other plans for us (He usually does) but this is what we've decided. Within a day we were already bonding with her. I know it will kill both of us when we have to give her to her forever home. I've heard Cliff talking to her about paying for schooling and her wedding. I know I don't have to remind him that we won't be responsible for any of that. It is quite likely that we won't even see her for her first birthday. I can only imagine how it will affect us when she leaves. I've mourned a thousand times for the child I didn't have. How much more painful will it be when I lose the one I did have? I struggle with that decision to not do straight foster care because I know there are so many kiddos in foster care who need the kind of home we can provide while they are facing a difficult situation. Each time a child leaves will rip our hearts out. I'm really not sure how much of that my heart could take.
Another thing weighing on me is being sensitive to my friends who are still waiting for their chance to be a mom. It hasn't been that long since I was the "only" one waiting and people were obnoxiously talking about their baby and whatever cute thing they did today. Now I'm that obnoxious person :/ I have friends who will struggle this weekend as they mourn for the child they've not been able to have or the one they did have who has gone to Heaven. My heart hurts for them. I 'm blessed to be able to hug my baby girl tonight and certainly do not take that for granted. She's such a blessing....My 30 minutes of wonderful.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Who I Was Born To Be
Motherhood Day #15-
Geez...has it really only been 15 days?!?! lol
I confess it has been a trying time. It has nothing to do with the baby and yet everything to do with her.
When I was a little girl I always mothered my dolls. There are pictures of me as a very young girl, with my doll zipped up next to me in my coat to stay warm. I remember when Hurricane Elena came through Florida. We were packing up to go to my Grandparents house (because they had the "more stable" mobile home ;)). Mom told me to go pack a bag and I came back with a huge bag filled with everything my Cabbage Patch doll could possibly need for the next day or so. Mom said "That's nice Tami...now why don't you go get a few clothes for yourself". I've been practicing being a mom for as long as I can remember. Problem is, my dolls didn't come with seizure meds or nebulizers, or frequent doctor appointments. Sweet Pea has been quite sick since we gained custody of her. She's been sleeping sitting up in the bouncy seat in our bedroom because of her congestion and cough. She coughs so hard that she chokes, gags, and throws up a bunch of mucus. (for those novice parents like myself, apparently that is completely normal and pretty much the only way a baby can get rid of mucus since they don't know how to cough it out or blow their nose) On day number 7 we had our first trip to urgent care. When she was returned home after visiting her parents, the worker reported that the parents were concerned that she felt feverish. When I held her I also thought she felt warm and immediately called the after hours nurse. I gave them a brief history and they wanted us to bring her in. We went to the clinic and were seen rather quickly. She did have a little bit of a fever and was having some difficulty breathing. They set us up to do a breathing treatment and then left the room. I promptly started crying. Here was this precious, sweet girl, struggling to breathe, coughing so hard she vomits, gagging and I was completely helpless. There was nothing I could do to help her. I wanted to breathe for her. The nurse came in, saw I was crying and asked if I was ok. They were so kind. They knew I'm a new mom and gave us reassurance that she was ok. We've had follow ups every few days because she's just not getting any better. She had an xray today to check to see if she had pneumonia which thank goodness she doesn't. She's such an amazing baby and is happy most of the time, but you can still tell she doesn't feel good. We just want her to be healthy and not have to worry! I guess that makes us parents huh...
I'm REALLY struggling with when to go back to work. I feel so guilty being gone but I've waited a hell of a long time to be a mom and why should I rush back to work!? Being a mom?...THIS is what I was put here on this earth for. THIS feels perfect, sick baby, poopy diapers and all. I'm FINALLY who I was born to be. My job allows 2 weeks of bonding time for a newly placed foster child. What a joke! Don't get me wrong...I'm SO grateful for the time I've had off but seriously...2 weeks is barely enough time to get things in order much less have time to "bond" with your child. My time has been filled with WIC appointments, doctors appointments, visits with Social workers, case workers, and Early Childhood development providers. Added to that, we have to be available certain times for her visits with her family. Now I'm supposed to juggle all of that and work full time as well. What the hell was I thinking!? The thing is...I don't WANT to work outside of my home. All of my life I've wanted to be a stay at home mom. That desire only grew stronger the longer it took for us to have a baby. I've waited all of my life for this. I don't want to put my child in daycare for someone else to raise. That's my job! (Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to working moms. I know some situations demand that mom works outside of the home) I've missed out on pregnancy and childbirth. I don't want to miss out on first words or first steps.
Sweet Pea's social worker recommended a daycare for us. They are the only one I can find that has an opening for an infant and they are nowhere near conveniently located. Which poses the next problem. The person who picks her up for her family visits is not able to because of the daycare's location.
I can take up to 12 weeks of FMLA leave. She's been so sick I didn't want to use it all in the first little bit that she's with us. What if she needs me later in the year?! The thing is...she needs me now...
Maybe I just needed to see all of this typed out...to decide what to do.
Even though this is not how I imagined my life, how I would become a mom. I am a mom. It sounds funny to me...foreign almost. I go to doctors appointments and they ask "Your relation to the patient?" I am her mom.
Tonight I held my sweet little girl in my arms as she drifted off to sleep. I assured her, it was ok to fall asleep. She's safe, warm, and loved. Most definitely loved
After I posted this blog my mom posted this pic on her FB...Me with my doll, and of course her diaper bag...
Geez...has it really only been 15 days?!?! lol
I confess it has been a trying time. It has nothing to do with the baby and yet everything to do with her.
When I was a little girl I always mothered my dolls. There are pictures of me as a very young girl, with my doll zipped up next to me in my coat to stay warm. I remember when Hurricane Elena came through Florida. We were packing up to go to my Grandparents house (because they had the "more stable" mobile home ;)). Mom told me to go pack a bag and I came back with a huge bag filled with everything my Cabbage Patch doll could possibly need for the next day or so. Mom said "That's nice Tami...now why don't you go get a few clothes for yourself". I've been practicing being a mom for as long as I can remember. Problem is, my dolls didn't come with seizure meds or nebulizers, or frequent doctor appointments. Sweet Pea has been quite sick since we gained custody of her. She's been sleeping sitting up in the bouncy seat in our bedroom because of her congestion and cough. She coughs so hard that she chokes, gags, and throws up a bunch of mucus. (for those novice parents like myself, apparently that is completely normal and pretty much the only way a baby can get rid of mucus since they don't know how to cough it out or blow their nose) On day number 7 we had our first trip to urgent care. When she was returned home after visiting her parents, the worker reported that the parents were concerned that she felt feverish. When I held her I also thought she felt warm and immediately called the after hours nurse. I gave them a brief history and they wanted us to bring her in. We went to the clinic and were seen rather quickly. She did have a little bit of a fever and was having some difficulty breathing. They set us up to do a breathing treatment and then left the room. I promptly started crying. Here was this precious, sweet girl, struggling to breathe, coughing so hard she vomits, gagging and I was completely helpless. There was nothing I could do to help her. I wanted to breathe for her. The nurse came in, saw I was crying and asked if I was ok. They were so kind. They knew I'm a new mom and gave us reassurance that she was ok. We've had follow ups every few days because she's just not getting any better. She had an xray today to check to see if she had pneumonia which thank goodness she doesn't. She's such an amazing baby and is happy most of the time, but you can still tell she doesn't feel good. We just want her to be healthy and not have to worry! I guess that makes us parents huh...
I'm REALLY struggling with when to go back to work. I feel so guilty being gone but I've waited a hell of a long time to be a mom and why should I rush back to work!? Being a mom?...THIS is what I was put here on this earth for. THIS feels perfect, sick baby, poopy diapers and all. I'm FINALLY who I was born to be. My job allows 2 weeks of bonding time for a newly placed foster child. What a joke! Don't get me wrong...I'm SO grateful for the time I've had off but seriously...2 weeks is barely enough time to get things in order much less have time to "bond" with your child. My time has been filled with WIC appointments, doctors appointments, visits with Social workers, case workers, and Early Childhood development providers. Added to that, we have to be available certain times for her visits with her family. Now I'm supposed to juggle all of that and work full time as well. What the hell was I thinking!? The thing is...I don't WANT to work outside of my home. All of my life I've wanted to be a stay at home mom. That desire only grew stronger the longer it took for us to have a baby. I've waited all of my life for this. I don't want to put my child in daycare for someone else to raise. That's my job! (Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to working moms. I know some situations demand that mom works outside of the home) I've missed out on pregnancy and childbirth. I don't want to miss out on first words or first steps.
Sweet Pea's social worker recommended a daycare for us. They are the only one I can find that has an opening for an infant and they are nowhere near conveniently located. Which poses the next problem. The person who picks her up for her family visits is not able to because of the daycare's location.
I can take up to 12 weeks of FMLA leave. She's been so sick I didn't want to use it all in the first little bit that she's with us. What if she needs me later in the year?! The thing is...she needs me now...
Maybe I just needed to see all of this typed out...to decide what to do.
Even though this is not how I imagined my life, how I would become a mom. I am a mom. It sounds funny to me...foreign almost. I go to doctors appointments and they ask "Your relation to the patient?" I am her mom.
Tonight I held my sweet little girl in my arms as she drifted off to sleep. I assured her, it was ok to fall asleep. She's safe, warm, and loved. Most definitely loved
After I posted this blog my mom posted this pic on her FB...Me with my doll, and of course her diaper bag...
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
It's A Girl!!!
I originally wrote this blog to auto post on Thursday when we were supposed to take custody of Sweet Pea. Needless to say I had to do some editing...
As you know we received our foster care license last week on Tuesday. On my lunch break, on Wednesday, I received a call from YFC. It was their person who handles the placements. She was calling to just go over the general information that we would get in a placement call, kind of like a practice call. She said "For instance, you'll probably say no to this one but here's the kind of information we'll give you. We have a 3 month old little girl, currently in foster care and needing a new home for the next 6-9 months. She'll either be reunited with her parents or adopted by a family member. In the mean time she needs a home." She proceeded to tell us more about the baby's background and said "What do you think?" Now Cliff and I had already pretty much decided that we were going in to this as a ministry, not just to get a baby to adopt, and would not say "no" to anything God brought before us. If He doesn't want a certain child with us, He's going to have to say no because I know I wouldn't be able to. There was a catch with this little girl though. The state didn't want her in daycare because of her tendency to get sick easily. Any child that comes to us will have to go to daycare :( The lady from YFC was shocked I said yes since she knew we were looking to adopt and we would not be able to adopt this child. She said she would have to contact the state worker to see if they were willing to forgo the daycare thing. She stated she would call me back. Thursday came....and went. Friday came...and went. I figured "good...it wasn't my idea of my dream situation and this is God's way of saying 'No'". Then Monday came. The lady from YFC called again. They had been unable to find another home for this baby and she wanted to know if we were still willing to take her, knowing it would not be a long term situation. I called Cliff just to make sure we were still on the same page before I called her back. He agreed and I called to tell her that yes we were still willing and able to take care of her. She was going to call back the state social worker and tell her that Baby Girl had a new home. She had said that the social worker was planning on transferring custody on Thursday. I waited for the call on Tuesday to finalize details about when we would pick her up on Thursday. I got a voicemail from YFC saying "Change of plans, can you pick her up tomorrow (Wednesday) at 11:30am. I called them back to say I would be able to pick her up then and the worker said "Change of plans again...Can you pick her up today?" So yesterday we became parents. I have waited my whole life for this moment in time. I never dreamed this day would actually come. I can't believe this is really happening. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. I think about the things we have planned for this weekend and realize now we'll have a baby in tow! IT IS BLOWING MY MIND!!!
Now I know this is temporary. We only get to have her for 6-9 months until courts decide her fate, but for now...for this moment in time, she's mine. I'm already sad that it seems we'll have to give her to her forever home around the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays. For my sake, I really hope this happens either well in advance of the holiday season or that we get to keep her through the holidays.
She's a great baby! She only fusses when she's hungry. She slept from 11:00pm last night until about 7:45am this morning. Wish the same could be said for me ;) She has some minor health issues. She's just getting over RSV and has to have nebulizer treatments. I wonder how much albuterol she inhaled versus how much I inhaled while giving her the treatment. Her previous foster mom said she has a seizure disorder so she's on phenobarbital for that. She does not like that medicine and is an expert at not swallowing it. I'm concerned that she may not be getting enough of it in her system because she's a pro at just holding her mouth open and letting it just ooze out. I even tried to give it to her while she was sleeping. I thought her natural sucking reflex would take over and I'd get it down her. Nope! She is wise to my ways. I have to contact her Neuro doc and her pediatrician today to see what kind of follow up she needs.
On the way home last night I stopped at Target to buy diapers and the cashier says "What a beautiful baby! How old is she?' I replied "3 1/2 months" She said "Is she sleeping through the night for you yet?" I said "I don't know. I've only been her mom for about and hour and a half!" That kind of got a funny look until I explained I am her foster mom.
Out of respect for her birth parents and for her protection, we've decided not to post any identifying pictures of her on Facebook or on this blog. If you want to see her, you'll have to come visit ;) Exceptions will be made for family out of state. If you want to see her, message me your cell number or email and I'll text or email pics. We do plan on having an Open House so people can come visit and meet our lil Sweet Pea.
I ask you to please pray for the following:
1) That Baby Girl will transition easily to our home, that she will thrive and grow strong in our care. Please pray for her health, that she'll recover quickly from the RSV and even maybe be healed of the seizure disorder
2) That I am able to find a daycare that has an opening for an infant. (the one I picked and all of my back ups don't have any openings to take an infant!)
3) That God will comfort me in the grief when she leaves us
Thank you for all of your love and support in this, the most amazing journey of my life
It may be a while before I blog again. I plan on being busy being a mommy :)
As you know we received our foster care license last week on Tuesday. On my lunch break, on Wednesday, I received a call from YFC. It was their person who handles the placements. She was calling to just go over the general information that we would get in a placement call, kind of like a practice call. She said "For instance, you'll probably say no to this one but here's the kind of information we'll give you. We have a 3 month old little girl, currently in foster care and needing a new home for the next 6-9 months. She'll either be reunited with her parents or adopted by a family member. In the mean time she needs a home." She proceeded to tell us more about the baby's background and said "What do you think?" Now Cliff and I had already pretty much decided that we were going in to this as a ministry, not just to get a baby to adopt, and would not say "no" to anything God brought before us. If He doesn't want a certain child with us, He's going to have to say no because I know I wouldn't be able to. There was a catch with this little girl though. The state didn't want her in daycare because of her tendency to get sick easily. Any child that comes to us will have to go to daycare :( The lady from YFC was shocked I said yes since she knew we were looking to adopt and we would not be able to adopt this child. She said she would have to contact the state worker to see if they were willing to forgo the daycare thing. She stated she would call me back. Thursday came....and went. Friday came...and went. I figured "good...it wasn't my idea of my dream situation and this is God's way of saying 'No'". Then Monday came. The lady from YFC called again. They had been unable to find another home for this baby and she wanted to know if we were still willing to take her, knowing it would not be a long term situation. I called Cliff just to make sure we were still on the same page before I called her back. He agreed and I called to tell her that yes we were still willing and able to take care of her. She was going to call back the state social worker and tell her that Baby Girl had a new home. She had said that the social worker was planning on transferring custody on Thursday. I waited for the call on Tuesday to finalize details about when we would pick her up on Thursday. I got a voicemail from YFC saying "Change of plans, can you pick her up tomorrow (Wednesday) at 11:30am. I called them back to say I would be able to pick her up then and the worker said "Change of plans again...Can you pick her up today?" So yesterday we became parents. I have waited my whole life for this moment in time. I never dreamed this day would actually come. I can't believe this is really happening. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. I think about the things we have planned for this weekend and realize now we'll have a baby in tow! IT IS BLOWING MY MIND!!!
Now I know this is temporary. We only get to have her for 6-9 months until courts decide her fate, but for now...for this moment in time, she's mine. I'm already sad that it seems we'll have to give her to her forever home around the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays. For my sake, I really hope this happens either well in advance of the holiday season or that we get to keep her through the holidays.
She's a great baby! She only fusses when she's hungry. She slept from 11:00pm last night until about 7:45am this morning. Wish the same could be said for me ;) She has some minor health issues. She's just getting over RSV and has to have nebulizer treatments. I wonder how much albuterol she inhaled versus how much I inhaled while giving her the treatment. Her previous foster mom said she has a seizure disorder so she's on phenobarbital for that. She does not like that medicine and is an expert at not swallowing it. I'm concerned that she may not be getting enough of it in her system because she's a pro at just holding her mouth open and letting it just ooze out. I even tried to give it to her while she was sleeping. I thought her natural sucking reflex would take over and I'd get it down her. Nope! She is wise to my ways. I have to contact her Neuro doc and her pediatrician today to see what kind of follow up she needs.
On the way home last night I stopped at Target to buy diapers and the cashier says "What a beautiful baby! How old is she?' I replied "3 1/2 months" She said "Is she sleeping through the night for you yet?" I said "I don't know. I've only been her mom for about and hour and a half!" That kind of got a funny look until I explained I am her foster mom.
Out of respect for her birth parents and for her protection, we've decided not to post any identifying pictures of her on Facebook or on this blog. If you want to see her, you'll have to come visit ;) Exceptions will be made for family out of state. If you want to see her, message me your cell number or email and I'll text or email pics. We do plan on having an Open House so people can come visit and meet our lil Sweet Pea.
I ask you to please pray for the following:
1) That Baby Girl will transition easily to our home, that she will thrive and grow strong in our care. Please pray for her health, that she'll recover quickly from the RSV and even maybe be healed of the seizure disorder
2) That I am able to find a daycare that has an opening for an infant. (the one I picked and all of my back ups don't have any openings to take an infant!)
3) That God will comfort me in the grief when she leaves us
Thank you for all of your love and support in this, the most amazing journey of my life
It may be a while before I blog again. I plan on being busy being a mommy :)
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