I had a pregnancy test this morning that confirmed what I already knew...I'm not pregnant...still...again...whatever. Even though there is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very remote chance that it could be too early to tell, given my previous history and gut feeling, I doubt it. Nothing about this cycle "felt" right. It never seemed that the timing was what it should be. Even though I receive an injection that *should* make me ovulate, I never felt like that actually happened. I felt for days like "ok it will happen....aaaaaaany minute now" but never had that *pop* feeling I usually get (when I actually ovulate). I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to have another childless Christmas. I kept thinking about how cool it would be for my brother to make his announcement last year and then for me to have an announcement this year. I had thought of all these fun little ways I could make the big announcement to my family. (My brother already took the slideshow idea ;)) Guess I'll have to hold on to those ideas for a little while longer.
The holidays really suck for someone dealing with infertility. Everything is about pictures with santa, the new popular Christmas toys, children's Christmas plays. All blatant in your face tauntings of what is just out of my grasp.
Last Christmas was SO hard for me. I was in the midst of fertility treatments, all hopped up on hormones (ie a tornado waiting to touch down). I wasn't blogging at the time and had no outlet. I kept all the tears and frustration locked up inside. On Christmas Eve, my brother and his wife announced they were having a baby. That triggered a torrential flood of emotions that I was powerless to control. I hope this makes sense and no one's feeling are hurt by this. It wasn't that they were having a baby. I was thrilled about that! It's that I wasn't... again. At that moment it wouldn't have mattered who made the announcement. It wasn't me. I literally cried all night long. I cried myself to sleep, woke myself up crying and cried myself to sleep again. I cried in the shower while preparing to go to my brother's for our family's Christmas celebration. I cried up to the moment I got in the car to go. All of the hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, emptiness, pity and loneliness literally poured from the depth of my soul. I hurt so bad. Rest assured I am NOT suicidal and would never take my own life so don't confuse what I'm about to say for "suicidal ideations". In those moments I thought of ways to cause pain to my body so that my heart wouldn't hurt so much. It was in those moments I realized what a "cutter" feels and the logic in their thinking. My husband couldn't understand how I was feeling. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. I was so excited at the prospect of my new niece or nephew and to find out he/she was due to arrive around my birthday? C'mon! What better gift could I ask for!? I knew it would be hard though. I knew all of the talk would be about Gin's pregnancy and the impending arrival of Baby Poo. I also knew I couldn't skip out on Christmas. I didn't want to take away from everyone else's excitement. They didn't need my pity party. So I gathered what control I could muster and went to celebrate with my family. I looked like I'd gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson. My eyes were SO swollen and puffy and my throat hurt from choking back the tears. I didn't want anyone to know that I had been crying and was on the verge of crying some more. I was really hoping to not have any more days like that. But unfortunately today is one of those days. Again, I cried in the shower, while I was getting ready for work. Thought I had composed myself but didn't even make it to my desk before I started crying again. Sometimes it feels so good to cry and just let it go. With infertility, you hold back so much because so many people feel it's such a private thing or maybe even shameful. Crying just lets it all out.
So another Christmas is on the horizon and here I sit crying my eyes out again. I feel ashamed for my tears because I know there are worse things than not being pregnant. My best friend's dad has prostate cancer and the prognosis is not good. I guess there is no delicate way of saying that :/ From what I've heard, this could likely be his last Christmas here on Earth. I should be focusing on how I can help my friend and be there for her instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself. The holidays are hard for many people...not just me. I'm struggling with taking the focus off of myself and remembering what the holiday is about. A Savior was born. It's His birth we celebrate. It's because of that birth that I can say with certainty that my friend's dad will have a grand Homecoming when God calls him home.
My friend's dad retired yesterday after being a pastor for many years. He was pastor of the church where my husband and I met. He performed our wedding ceremony. He's been an integral part of my life for 21 years. During his retirement service they were taking testimonies and stories about Pastor Dave. I wanted to say something but I was an emotional mess and I'm pretty sure no one would've been able to understand me. I'm almost positive he is not one of my blog readers but I want to tell YOU what an awesome guy he is. When I first moved from Florida to Washington, his daughter was the first new friend I made. She and I shared many sleepovers, birthday parties, random Friday nights. She was my maid of honor and is that friend who knows all my secrets but loves me anyway. She and her parents invited me into their home on many occasions. I was privileged to see what a Godly man her dad is. He's been there for me in so many ways when my own father couldn't be. He was there for me when I had problems with my family. He came to my highschool graduation. He was there for me when I had some difficulty in my marriage. How do you say thank you to the man who has been a mentor, father figure, spiritual leader, counselor? He has set such a wonderful example about what it means to "pray without ceasing". Until I met him, I'd never known someone who was in a constant state of prayer. Used to scare me to death when he'd take us to the mall. Sometimes I think there was more praying going on than driving but it sure taught me about praying! I am so very thankful for him and the example that he's been to me all these years. I'm so thankful that he (and his lovely wife Marsha) raised such an awesome lady that I can call my friend. I'm blessed by his presence in my life and so very thankful that God put him there when He did. He is always setting the example of what a Christian should be. Whether standing behind a pulpit or not, his life preaches a sermon. I just hope I pay enough attention to apply it to my life. Thank you Pastor Dave for...well, everything. :)
Monday, November 28, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Round 3
So if we're Facebook friends you already are aware of some of this info but I'm well aware that I have blog readers that are not on FB so here's the DL on what's going on this cycle.
I had a couple of acupuncture appointments this week and a couple of ultrasounds to check for follicles. The first ultrasound I had indicated that I had multiple follicles this time, about 5 on one side and 4 on the other. Seems like good odds right?? Unfortunately the next ultrasound I had indicated that there hadn't been much, if any change in the follicle size. Didn't seem like the meds had worked this time either, but Dr Su wanted me to come in again to check one more time. So after 2 days of fervent prayer I went in again this morning for another scan. I had Cliff go with me because if I hadn't responded to the meds again I was going to bring up the ovarian drilling procedure again. Evidently Dr Su had a difficult time finding my left ovary with the ultrasound wand and it was quite uncomfortable as he searched for it. Finally he found it and my follicles :) Yep multiple follicles that are the right size for us to pursue another IUI. So I went into Urgent Care for a nurse to do my HCG trigger injection tonight and looks like we're a go for Monday. When the nurses did the injections in my hips, evidently I bled quite a bit because both of the nurses we're like "Oh! You are QUITE the bleeder! What are your periods like?!" Lady, don't even get me started! lol
It always makes me nervous getting the injections in urgent care because they don't always have alot of experience with mixing the HCG injection and they have to sit and read the instructions that come with the vials. I always worry "are they mixing them right? did they give me the right dose and still leave enough for next weeks shots?" I just have to trust that they know better than I about the mixing (although I do usually have to educate them a little about the process).
So anyhoooo, if you could please pray for us on Monday (and for the next two weeks) I would sure appreciate it.
The last blog I wrote I asked if any readers had questions for me about my personal experiences or about PCOS. Surprisingly, I did actually have some questions sent in.
The first question comes from a "big fan"/stalker of mine. <her words, not mine She's also a dear friend who asks...
I had a couple of acupuncture appointments this week and a couple of ultrasounds to check for follicles. The first ultrasound I had indicated that I had multiple follicles this time, about 5 on one side and 4 on the other. Seems like good odds right?? Unfortunately the next ultrasound I had indicated that there hadn't been much, if any change in the follicle size. Didn't seem like the meds had worked this time either, but Dr Su wanted me to come in again to check one more time. So after 2 days of fervent prayer I went in again this morning for another scan. I had Cliff go with me because if I hadn't responded to the meds again I was going to bring up the ovarian drilling procedure again. Evidently Dr Su had a difficult time finding my left ovary with the ultrasound wand and it was quite uncomfortable as he searched for it. Finally he found it and my follicles :) Yep multiple follicles that are the right size for us to pursue another IUI. So I went into Urgent Care for a nurse to do my HCG trigger injection tonight and looks like we're a go for Monday. When the nurses did the injections in my hips, evidently I bled quite a bit because both of the nurses we're like "Oh! You are QUITE the bleeder! What are your periods like?!" Lady, don't even get me started! lol
It always makes me nervous getting the injections in urgent care because they don't always have alot of experience with mixing the HCG injection and they have to sit and read the instructions that come with the vials. I always worry "are they mixing them right? did they give me the right dose and still leave enough for next weeks shots?" I just have to trust that they know better than I about the mixing (although I do usually have to educate them a little about the process).
So anyhoooo, if you could please pray for us on Monday (and for the next two weeks) I would sure appreciate it.
The last blog I wrote I asked if any readers had questions for me about my personal experiences or about PCOS. Surprisingly, I did actually have some questions sent in.
The first question comes from a "big fan"/stalker of mine. <her words, not mine She's also a dear friend who asks...
Q: Have you been diagnosed with diabetes? Are you going to
have your endocrinologists test you for that?
A: No thankfully, I have not yet been diagnosed with Diabetes.
I've had normal glucose tolerance tests. I did have two
tests indicating high insulin levels but the second test value
had improved after I began a regimen of metformin. I do plan
on bringing these tests up when I see the Endocrinologist
in December.
So more to come on that :)
The next couple of blogs I will address the questions regarding surrogates
and also about dealing with infertility and the holidays.
Again, thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. They are greatly appreciated!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
*Insert Clever Blog Title Here*
Not sure what to call this blog. "Update" seems kind of redundant since that's pretty much all this blog is. Seems like so much has happened since my last entry but at the same time seems like a lot of nothing.
The major happening of these last couple of weeks and probably the most sad news I have is that my friend Chani who had just found out she was pregnant at my last writing, has lost the baby. I can only imagine the profound sadness and disappointment she must be going through. Please keep her in your prayers as she faces another pregnancy loss.
As for me and how I'm doing...
You know that Cliff and I had discussed adopting a child. While that is not completely off the table, i am REALLY having a hard time abandoning my dream of conceiving and giving birth to my child. I know that adopting doesn't make me any less of a mother but my heart's desire is to birth my own child. Sometimes that seems like too much to ask for. As much as I am able to pursue fertility treatment options, that is what I'm planning on doing right now. Dr Su is willing to do 2 more IUI's so there's still a chance.
I had an ultrasound on Wednesday to see how that pesky cyst was doing and it had gone down to 1cm. Dr Su said that we would be able to begin Clomid again this cycle so tonight I take my 4th out of 5 doses of Clomid. He's increased it to 250mg. So far the side effects have been pretty minimal with the exception of the vision disturbances again. Waking up in the morning is just that much more fun when it seems like you're waking to a bazillion flashbulbs going off....oh, and the hot flashes *wipes forehead*
I had an acupuncture appointment on Friday and spent most of the appointment catching him up since I haven't seen him since August. I have another ultrasound scheduled on Tuesday (I'm surprised my ovaries don't glow in the dark by now with all the radiological exams I've had done). Then I have another acupuncture appointment on Wednesday. I'm SO very thankful that both Dr Su and Dr Woon are sensitive to the timing issues with this and are so flexible in getting me in for appointments. One less thing I need to worry and fret about.
I went to Barnes and Nobles today and bought every book they had on PCOS...both of them. I'm not really surprised about the lack of info out there. What's really frustrating is that everyone's answer to "curing" PCOS is weightloss. Then I read that the weightloss ratio is 3 to 1...being that, as hard as it is for the "average" person to lose 3 pounds? That's how hard it is for a "cyster" to lose one pound. SO frustrating but at the same time it makes me all the more proud of the weight I've lost and kept off...for the most part. I'm really struggling with my potato addiction. I LOVE potatoes! Any way, shape or form! LOVE 'em! aaaaannnd they're my arch nemesis having PCOS. If you could pray that potatoes would start to taste like something nasty, that could help me a bunch...
Oh and I did ask Dr Su about the ovarian drilling. He said that it's more for women who don't ovulate on meds. Because I have ovulated on the meds I don't meet the "criteria". Imay will bring it up again if I don't ovulate again on this cycle. That would be 2 out of 3 times that I didn't ovulate on the meds. So we'll see...fingers crossed that my body responds to the medications.
I also have an appointment with an endocrinologist on Dec 1. Another frustrating aspect of PCOS is this- had I been diagnosed with cancer, the doctor would've laid out a plan for my treatment. "Alright, you'll need to see an oncologist, have chemo, maybe radiation and surgery" etc. But with PCOS, it was "Yup, you have PCOS. See you in two years for your next pap". Uuuuuhhh, thanks? No one ever said "maybe you should see an endocrinologist". So I have an appointment...in Seattle...yuk. Oh and remember when I talked about seeing the doctor who told me to take my fertility money, have gastric bypass and lose 100lbs, then come back to see him? Yeah I found out he's the PCOS guy at that clinic. I've struggled with do I go back to him? He IS an endocrinologist and he's the PCOS specialist. When I saw him the first time, I know I was super sensitive to what he said. He had said that I probably didn't need IVF. I just needed to ovulate. He wasn't saying he wouldn't help me have a baby. He just didn't think it was necessary for me to spend money on an expensive procedure that may not be needed. He IS more conveniently located than a doctor in Seattle who is only in the office on Thursdays and Fridays (my day off is Tuesday). So I'm hoping the endo doc in Seattle will refer me to this guy who's more local.
In closing, my reasons for doing this blog in addition to being my own shoulder to cry on and venting thru this outlet, is to educate people about PCOS. So I'm curious if anyone reads this blog and has questions about PCOS? Or if you have something about me personally and my struggles with PCOS and infertility that you would like to ask? For example, I know some have asked if we've considered a surrogate. The short answer is yes and I'm sure that will be a future blog topic. Anyhow, if there's anything you're curious about email your questions to lilpoobear76@hotmail.com with BLOG in the subject line and I will answer them in future blogs. At this point, i am an open book! i really just want to make people more aware of this stupid disease.
Thanks again for taking the time to read.
More updates soon :)
The major happening of these last couple of weeks and probably the most sad news I have is that my friend Chani who had just found out she was pregnant at my last writing, has lost the baby. I can only imagine the profound sadness and disappointment she must be going through. Please keep her in your prayers as she faces another pregnancy loss.
As for me and how I'm doing...
You know that Cliff and I had discussed adopting a child. While that is not completely off the table, i am REALLY having a hard time abandoning my dream of conceiving and giving birth to my child. I know that adopting doesn't make me any less of a mother but my heart's desire is to birth my own child. Sometimes that seems like too much to ask for. As much as I am able to pursue fertility treatment options, that is what I'm planning on doing right now. Dr Su is willing to do 2 more IUI's so there's still a chance.
I had an ultrasound on Wednesday to see how that pesky cyst was doing and it had gone down to 1cm. Dr Su said that we would be able to begin Clomid again this cycle so tonight I take my 4th out of 5 doses of Clomid. He's increased it to 250mg. So far the side effects have been pretty minimal with the exception of the vision disturbances again. Waking up in the morning is just that much more fun when it seems like you're waking to a bazillion flashbulbs going off....oh, and the hot flashes *wipes forehead*
I had an acupuncture appointment on Friday and spent most of the appointment catching him up since I haven't seen him since August. I have another ultrasound scheduled on Tuesday (I'm surprised my ovaries don't glow in the dark by now with all the radiological exams I've had done). Then I have another acupuncture appointment on Wednesday. I'm SO very thankful that both Dr Su and Dr Woon are sensitive to the timing issues with this and are so flexible in getting me in for appointments. One less thing I need to worry and fret about.
I went to Barnes and Nobles today and bought every book they had on PCOS...both of them. I'm not really surprised about the lack of info out there. What's really frustrating is that everyone's answer to "curing" PCOS is weightloss. Then I read that the weightloss ratio is 3 to 1...being that, as hard as it is for the "average" person to lose 3 pounds? That's how hard it is for a "cyster" to lose one pound. SO frustrating but at the same time it makes me all the more proud of the weight I've lost and kept off...for the most part. I'm really struggling with my potato addiction. I LOVE potatoes! Any way, shape or form! LOVE 'em! aaaaannnd they're my arch nemesis having PCOS. If you could pray that potatoes would start to taste like something nasty, that could help me a bunch...
Oh and I did ask Dr Su about the ovarian drilling. He said that it's more for women who don't ovulate on meds. Because I have ovulated on the meds I don't meet the "criteria". I
I also have an appointment with an endocrinologist on Dec 1. Another frustrating aspect of PCOS is this- had I been diagnosed with cancer, the doctor would've laid out a plan for my treatment. "Alright, you'll need to see an oncologist, have chemo, maybe radiation and surgery" etc. But with PCOS, it was "Yup, you have PCOS. See you in two years for your next pap". Uuuuuhhh, thanks? No one ever said "maybe you should see an endocrinologist". So I have an appointment...in Seattle...yuk. Oh and remember when I talked about seeing the doctor who told me to take my fertility money, have gastric bypass and lose 100lbs, then come back to see him? Yeah I found out he's the PCOS guy at that clinic. I've struggled with do I go back to him? He IS an endocrinologist and he's the PCOS specialist. When I saw him the first time, I know I was super sensitive to what he said. He had said that I probably didn't need IVF. I just needed to ovulate. He wasn't saying he wouldn't help me have a baby. He just didn't think it was necessary for me to spend money on an expensive procedure that may not be needed. He IS more conveniently located than a doctor in Seattle who is only in the office on Thursdays and Fridays (my day off is Tuesday). So I'm hoping the endo doc in Seattle will refer me to this guy who's more local.
In closing, my reasons for doing this blog in addition to being my own shoulder to cry on and venting thru this outlet, is to educate people about PCOS. So I'm curious if anyone reads this blog and has questions about PCOS? Or if you have something about me personally and my struggles with PCOS and infertility that you would like to ask? For example, I know some have asked if we've considered a surrogate. The short answer is yes and I'm sure that will be a future blog topic. Anyhow, if there's anything you're curious about email your questions to lilpoobear76@hotmail.com with BLOG in the subject line and I will answer them in future blogs. At this point, i am an open book! i really just want to make people more aware of this stupid disease.
Thanks again for taking the time to read.
More updates soon :)
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Rejoicing and Calling All Prayer Warriors!!
Hi friends,
Remember a few blogs back I mentioned about meeting ladies online who were struggling with infertility as well and asked for your prayers for one of them in particular? She and her husband have trying to conceive for many years (12 I think) and she has a history of a previous miscarriage. Well this morning during church, as our pastor preached on God's faithfulness, I received a message from my friend. With her blessing, I am ecstatic to report that she is pregnant!!! I am SO thrilled for her. Coinciding with Pastor's message this morning reinforces to me that God IS faithful. He DOES hear our prayers. I am so encouraged by this news and it thrills my heart! The tears I cried were tears of joy and hope.
I can only imagine the thoughts flying thru her brain right now! The joy and excitement, the trepidation and fear. She has asked for prayer and I am asking you, my friends to join me in praying for her, her husband and their baby. Please pray that if God wills, that He will cover that little baby with His mighty hands and that the baby will grow strong and healthy to full term. Please pray for my friend that God will calm her spirit and give her peace. Here is her blog if you wish to follow her story directly. Chani's Place Whether you follow her blog or not would you please, please lift her up before God even as you read this post? Thank you!
TP
Remember a few blogs back I mentioned about meeting ladies online who were struggling with infertility as well and asked for your prayers for one of them in particular? She and her husband have trying to conceive for many years (12 I think) and she has a history of a previous miscarriage. Well this morning during church, as our pastor preached on God's faithfulness, I received a message from my friend. With her blessing, I am ecstatic to report that she is pregnant!!! I am SO thrilled for her. Coinciding with Pastor's message this morning reinforces to me that God IS faithful. He DOES hear our prayers. I am so encouraged by this news and it thrills my heart! The tears I cried were tears of joy and hope.
I can only imagine the thoughts flying thru her brain right now! The joy and excitement, the trepidation and fear. She has asked for prayer and I am asking you, my friends to join me in praying for her, her husband and their baby. Please pray that if God wills, that He will cover that little baby with His mighty hands and that the baby will grow strong and healthy to full term. Please pray for my friend that God will calm her spirit and give her peace. Here is her blog if you wish to follow her story directly. Chani's Place Whether you follow her blog or not would you please, please lift her up before God even as you read this post? Thank you!
TP
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Quick Update
I had my ultrasound this morning and it confirmed that I do have a cyst on my left ovary about 4cm. It's still weird to me that it's on my left side since it's my right side where I feel so much discomfort. The tech said I have the typical PCOS cysts on both ovaries (lots of little cysts) and then there's the larger one on the left. Dr Su called me by lunchtime with the results and said we would not be able to do clomid again until the cyst goes down in size. He suggested that if we want to do clomid again that I see him in the beginning of November (in about 5 weeks) to see how things are at that time. He basically said this will give me time to "cycle out". So more waiting...
I've decided that I AM going to ask him about the ovarian drilling procedure. I want to know how successful, how dangerous, has HE ever actually done one, and is it something that he would recommend as treatment for my PCOS/lack of ovulating problems.
In the mean time, I am prepping for the fostering/adoption process (again, SHOULD that be the route we take). Getting a little more organized is a necessity for me whether we adopt or not. I actually spent today trying to clean out and organize a little. I'm shredding so much paper that it looks like Enron around here. It's amazing to me how much crap I have around my house. (Did I mention I have a slight hoarding problem?) I'm not "careful, you'll find a dead animal carcass" bad but I do need to get a handle on this problem. So there's the update.
I'd also like to thank each person who reads this for their support, love, kind words and prayers. I appreciate it more than I can say.
Thank you!
TP
I've decided that I AM going to ask him about the ovarian drilling procedure. I want to know how successful, how dangerous, has HE ever actually done one, and is it something that he would recommend as treatment for my PCOS/lack of ovulating problems.
In the mean time, I am prepping for the fostering/adoption process (again, SHOULD that be the route we take). Getting a little more organized is a necessity for me whether we adopt or not. I actually spent today trying to clean out and organize a little. I'm shredding so much paper that it looks like Enron around here. It's amazing to me how much crap I have around my house. (Did I mention I have a slight hoarding problem?) I'm not "careful, you'll find a dead animal carcass" bad but I do need to get a handle on this problem. So there's the update.
I'd also like to thank each person who reads this for their support, love, kind words and prayers. I appreciate it more than I can say.
Thank you!
TP
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
A Fork in the Road
Oh man...SO many thoughts in my head I don't know where to begin. Forgive me but I'm almost guaranteed to ramble and my thoughts probably won't flow very well in this post.
Ok so here I am on cycle day??? Probably into the 50's by now. Frankly I stopped counting. Had a doctor's appointment today and...wait...I'm getting ahead of myself.
You know how you're driving and you know there's more than one route to take to your destination but you're so used to going the same way that you think "Maybe today I'll take a different route" but then you find yourself following the same worn path that you've always trod along? Or you're happily driving along and all of a sudden somebody holler's out from the passenger seat "TURN RIGHT NOW!"?
I remember when Travis and I were kids we used to drive the little John Deere lawnmower around like a go-cart. Yes we're rednecks. We had a lot of land in the back of our property that had little paths that had been cleared. We loved riding our bikes and the John Deere on these paths...our own little adventures on our own private little roads. One day it was my turn to drive but I wanted Trav to enjoy the ride too. I was taking one path when we came to a fork in the "road". Without slowing down at all (oh yeah I had that baby in 5th gear!) I asked Travis "which way do you want to go?" Before I knew it he was saying the opposite of the direction I was heading! I tried to turn but you know that John Deere doesn't have a very good turning radius and BAM! right into a tree. Sure it was a small tree but a tree's a tree ya know?! If I remember correctly it was small enough that we just went right over it, but it sure was a bumpy ride. (Promise this will makes sense later...)
So this weekend my mom is telling me about two babies who are part of a set of triplets that the mother has basically abandoned. Then my mother in law tells me about a young teen who's decided to give her baby up for adoption. I dreamed about these babies all weekend. I KNOW I can give them the home and love they need. I appreciate that people hear/share stories like this because they feel that I would be a good mom for these babies, but quite frankly it doesn't mean anything unless someone is putting the baby in my arms and saying "Here Tamra. We want you to have our baby". Without that, it's just one more instance of someone who shouldn't be having babies being able to conceive and then not knowing what to do with said baby. Did I mention that my mother in law also mentioned that she goes to church with a guy who works with a Christian foster-to-adopt program (or as Cliff affectionately refers to it, the "rent-to-own" program) and is bringing my MIL the info we need about the program?
Now jumping back to January...my amazing friend Beth has been on a very similar journey. She's wanted a child for so long and in January she got "the call"! Her adoption situation prompted me to ask Cliff about his thoughts. We were sitting in one of our favorite restaurants and I asked "so would you be open to adopting?" I promptly learned the value of "if you don't want the answer...don't ask the question". My heart broke into a million pieces as he said that adoption was not something he wanted to pursue. He didn't know that I had just had the "if you don't conceive by the age of 36, you never will" talk with 2 of my doctors. Here I had no other option but to conceive. No pressure right? Later when I was able to compose myself I told him what the doctors had said. This is when we forged the plan to go back to Dr Su (the doctor who had done our IUI's nearly 10 years ago), try 3 more IUI's and then we needed to explore our options if those IUI's were unsuccessful. Now fast forward to Sunday when I was helping my mother in law with the lunch dishes and she's telling me about this teenager who wants to give her baby up for adoption. I told her "that's nice but I don't think that's something that Cliff would want to do". She says "Really? He sounded interested when I talked to him this past week about it"...Ummm....WHAT?!?!?!?
Here I've been happily "driving along" on my Clomid/IUI journey and all of a sudden my passenger screams out "TURN RIGHT NOW!". I'm at a fork in the road and praying to God I don't hit a tree! (told ya it'd make sense). All weekend long I thought about these babies and the many others that need loving homes, a loving home that I know I can provide. Are we supposed to adopt??
I contacted Dr Su last week to let him know that I still hadn't started a cycle and was still having quite a bit of pain in my lower abdomen. Even tho he was scheduled to be in surgery today he still worked me in. His plan was to do an ultrasound and see where I am in my non-existent cycle and see if we could start another round of Clomid. Cliff and I had the discussion...should we even waste the money trying Clomid/IUI's again? Should we just save that money for the adoption process, should that be the route we take? For those keeping track, I've been off birth control for 10 years, done countless rounds of Clomid, and 3 IUI's to date, had numerous cycles where my body did not even respond to the Clomid. I've never had a confirmed pregnancy (I believe I've had two miscarriages very early into the pregnancy before I would've known I was pregnant) but with those being unconfirmed I'm going on the assumption that I've never been pregnant. NOTHING has worked...why keep throwing money away. So at my doctor's appointment today, Dr Su found that I have a cyst on my left ovary that is big enough that we can't do Clomid until it dissipates. Taking Clomid while you have a cyst will just make that cyst get bigger (and more painful) without producing a follicle/egg. This cyst and all of its little buddies would also be what was contributing to my lower abdominal pain for the last 2-3 weeks. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tuesday morning to check the size of the cyst and see if it has shrunk and we could do another round of Clomid. I've decided that if we're able to, this will be my last round of Clomid and Cliff and I will begin exploring the foster to adopt program. I began crying as I told Dr Su of our plans. As we wrapped up the appointment, the nurse saw I was crying and came into the room and shut the door. She was so sweet. I'd never met her before today but she asked if I was ok and asked if I needed a hug. She seemed sincere and not condescending and honestly at that moment I DID need a hug. So yes, I hugged a complete stranger and i sobbed "it's just SO frustrating!" She says "I know. But you seem like you'll be a very loving mother if you chose to adopt. Any baby is lucky to have you". Now I'd known this lady for all of 5 minutes so whether she could tell all that or if she was just trying to make me feel better I don't know. While talking to her I realized I have to come to terms with never having a biological child. I'll never feel the little kicks, feet in my lungs or bladder or the little hiccups. I'll never get to wear the cute little maternity clothes. I'll never get to experience childbirth. Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking "You're not missing anything" but the truth is... I am. I want all of these things! Few things irritate me more than hearing someone gripe about how uncomfortable their pregnancy is. I want to shake them and scream "SHUT UP! At least you're pregnant!". Please pray for me as I deal with this as I'm having a very hard time accepting that I will likely never give birth to a child. I know it won't make me any less of a mother but it's part of the process that I will truly miss.
Please keep us in your prayers as we explore the foster to adopt program. Please pray that we don't run into any "trees" and if we do, that they are small enough we can just go right over them. Please pray that I can endure the bumpy ride. I'm scared of so many things. What if a child is placed in my home and then it has to go back to its family? What if we can't afford this process? What if we aren't picked to care for a child? What if I'm not good enough?
See I told you it would be a rambling scatter brained post! No wonder I've had so many nights of insomnia. I can't get my brain to shut down and rest. Prayers for a good night's sleep would be greatly appreciated too ;)
Ok so here I am on cycle day??? Probably into the 50's by now. Frankly I stopped counting. Had a doctor's appointment today and...wait...I'm getting ahead of myself.
You know how you're driving and you know there's more than one route to take to your destination but you're so used to going the same way that you think "Maybe today I'll take a different route" but then you find yourself following the same worn path that you've always trod along? Or you're happily driving along and all of a sudden somebody holler's out from the passenger seat "TURN RIGHT NOW!"?
I remember when Travis and I were kids we used to drive the little John Deere lawnmower around like a go-cart. Yes we're rednecks. We had a lot of land in the back of our property that had little paths that had been cleared. We loved riding our bikes and the John Deere on these paths...our own little adventures on our own private little roads. One day it was my turn to drive but I wanted Trav to enjoy the ride too. I was taking one path when we came to a fork in the "road". Without slowing down at all (oh yeah I had that baby in 5th gear!) I asked Travis "which way do you want to go?" Before I knew it he was saying the opposite of the direction I was heading! I tried to turn but you know that John Deere doesn't have a very good turning radius and BAM! right into a tree. Sure it was a small tree but a tree's a tree ya know?! If I remember correctly it was small enough that we just went right over it, but it sure was a bumpy ride. (Promise this will makes sense later...)
So this weekend my mom is telling me about two babies who are part of a set of triplets that the mother has basically abandoned. Then my mother in law tells me about a young teen who's decided to give her baby up for adoption. I dreamed about these babies all weekend. I KNOW I can give them the home and love they need. I appreciate that people hear/share stories like this because they feel that I would be a good mom for these babies, but quite frankly it doesn't mean anything unless someone is putting the baby in my arms and saying "Here Tamra. We want you to have our baby". Without that, it's just one more instance of someone who shouldn't be having babies being able to conceive and then not knowing what to do with said baby. Did I mention that my mother in law also mentioned that she goes to church with a guy who works with a Christian foster-to-adopt program (or as Cliff affectionately refers to it, the "rent-to-own" program) and is bringing my MIL the info we need about the program?
Now jumping back to January...my amazing friend Beth has been on a very similar journey. She's wanted a child for so long and in January she got "the call"! Her adoption situation prompted me to ask Cliff about his thoughts. We were sitting in one of our favorite restaurants and I asked "so would you be open to adopting?" I promptly learned the value of "if you don't want the answer...don't ask the question". My heart broke into a million pieces as he said that adoption was not something he wanted to pursue. He didn't know that I had just had the "if you don't conceive by the age of 36, you never will" talk with 2 of my doctors. Here I had no other option but to conceive. No pressure right? Later when I was able to compose myself I told him what the doctors had said. This is when we forged the plan to go back to Dr Su (the doctor who had done our IUI's nearly 10 years ago), try 3 more IUI's and then we needed to explore our options if those IUI's were unsuccessful. Now fast forward to Sunday when I was helping my mother in law with the lunch dishes and she's telling me about this teenager who wants to give her baby up for adoption. I told her "that's nice but I don't think that's something that Cliff would want to do". She says "Really? He sounded interested when I talked to him this past week about it"...Ummm....WHAT?!?!?!?
Here I've been happily "driving along" on my Clomid/IUI journey and all of a sudden my passenger screams out "TURN RIGHT NOW!". I'm at a fork in the road and praying to God I don't hit a tree! (told ya it'd make sense). All weekend long I thought about these babies and the many others that need loving homes, a loving home that I know I can provide. Are we supposed to adopt??
I contacted Dr Su last week to let him know that I still hadn't started a cycle and was still having quite a bit of pain in my lower abdomen. Even tho he was scheduled to be in surgery today he still worked me in. His plan was to do an ultrasound and see where I am in my non-existent cycle and see if we could start another round of Clomid. Cliff and I had the discussion...should we even waste the money trying Clomid/IUI's again? Should we just save that money for the adoption process, should that be the route we take? For those keeping track, I've been off birth control for 10 years, done countless rounds of Clomid, and 3 IUI's to date, had numerous cycles where my body did not even respond to the Clomid. I've never had a confirmed pregnancy (I believe I've had two miscarriages very early into the pregnancy before I would've known I was pregnant) but with those being unconfirmed I'm going on the assumption that I've never been pregnant. NOTHING has worked...why keep throwing money away. So at my doctor's appointment today, Dr Su found that I have a cyst on my left ovary that is big enough that we can't do Clomid until it dissipates. Taking Clomid while you have a cyst will just make that cyst get bigger (and more painful) without producing a follicle/egg. This cyst and all of its little buddies would also be what was contributing to my lower abdominal pain for the last 2-3 weeks. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tuesday morning to check the size of the cyst and see if it has shrunk and we could do another round of Clomid. I've decided that if we're able to, this will be my last round of Clomid and Cliff and I will begin exploring the foster to adopt program. I began crying as I told Dr Su of our plans. As we wrapped up the appointment, the nurse saw I was crying and came into the room and shut the door. She was so sweet. I'd never met her before today but she asked if I was ok and asked if I needed a hug. She seemed sincere and not condescending and honestly at that moment I DID need a hug. So yes, I hugged a complete stranger and i sobbed "it's just SO frustrating!" She says "I know. But you seem like you'll be a very loving mother if you chose to adopt. Any baby is lucky to have you". Now I'd known this lady for all of 5 minutes so whether she could tell all that or if she was just trying to make me feel better I don't know. While talking to her I realized I have to come to terms with never having a biological child. I'll never feel the little kicks, feet in my lungs or bladder or the little hiccups. I'll never get to wear the cute little maternity clothes. I'll never get to experience childbirth. Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking "You're not missing anything" but the truth is... I am. I want all of these things! Few things irritate me more than hearing someone gripe about how uncomfortable their pregnancy is. I want to shake them and scream "SHUT UP! At least you're pregnant!". Please pray for me as I deal with this as I'm having a very hard time accepting that I will likely never give birth to a child. I know it won't make me any less of a mother but it's part of the process that I will truly miss.
Please keep us in your prayers as we explore the foster to adopt program. Please pray that we don't run into any "trees" and if we do, that they are small enough we can just go right over them. Please pray that I can endure the bumpy ride. I'm scared of so many things. What if a child is placed in my home and then it has to go back to its family? What if we can't afford this process? What if we aren't picked to care for a child? What if I'm not good enough?
See I told you it would be a rambling scatter brained post! No wonder I've had so many nights of insomnia. I can't get my brain to shut down and rest. Prayers for a good night's sleep would be greatly appreciated too ;)
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Gray Skies and Sunshine
UGH! I HATE this "syndrome"!! I'm so frustrated and irritated and angry! I'm on cycle day...crap I've lost count...like day 40-something. Still waiting. I HATE that pattern of not having a pattern! I wait 2 weeks +/- to see if I'm ovulating. Then I wait 2 weeks +/- to start a period. Usually there's more plus than minus :/ so I wait....and wait....and wait... Every month that nothing happens I feel more and more betrayed by my body. Why is it so hard!? Why can't I have cycles like "normal" people? I know many of you relish the idea of not having to deal with your monthly period but I would give anything to have a normal-every 28 days type of period!
My weight is still fluctuating as usual. I'm finding it harder and harder to avoid the starchy carbs because I'm getting that frustration of "nothing's working" so why bother. It gets so frustrating to see the scale yo-yo like that and everyone's got all sorts of helpful advice but sometimes I just get tired of hearing it. I know what I should do and what's "supposed" to happen but....*sigh I'm just frustrated :(
In addition to the betrayal and frustration there is the anger. Anger at God for making my body this way. Why did He give me such a desire to be a mom and then take away my ability to conceive!? Why does it seem like EVERYONE around me is pregnant?! Why do I constantly see in the news, stories of women (I refuse to call them mothers) who are blessed enough to have children and then abuse or murder them. Just today I saw two separate stories...One woman gave birth to twin boys and then killed them both so her family wouldn't find out she'd been pregnant. Another a stepmother killed then dismembered her daughter. Seriously?!?!? These are the people that God allows to get pregnant or "acquire" a child by marriage?
I'm so tired of constantly feeling like my ovaries are going to explode! For the last 1-2 weeks my right side is causing so much discomfort. Again feeling like "well it's not doing what it's supposed to so why bother". Part of me wishes I could just get them taken out. What's it gonna do? send me into early menopause? Isn't that basically what I'm in already? It's not like they're producing the hormones that they're supposed to anyways. What's the point?!
One of my co-workers also has PCOS so we've been comparing our woes this week. She had a doctor's appointment this week and one option that was discussed was "ovarian drilling". My understanding of that procedure is they destroy part of the ovary which allows the rest of the ovary to produce follicles and thereby ovulate. Imagine the difference in a bubble wand that has a lot of little holes versus one that has just one hole. You can either make a lot of little bubbles with one or one big bubble with the other. Kinda the same principle. My fear with this is what if they destroy the only working part of my ovary?!? Then what? Damned if I do...damned if I don't! I'm just so very tired of things not working the way they are supposed to. Every day that I don't have a period is one more day lost in my "fertility decreases dramatically at the age of 36" time frame. Every cycle that I don't ovulate means that I have to wait at least 2 weeks if not more for another cycle to start. Then if I don't start one that means contacting the doctor, getting meds, taking the meds, then waiting for the effects of the meds...meanwhile TICK TOCK TICK TOCK!!
This is all why it's been so long since my last post. There's really not been anything to report.
My saving grace lately has been my beautiful little niece. We celebrated her one month birthday last week. Time's going by so quickly. I love holding her and looking into that beautiful little face with her gorgeous little dimples. I smile and tell her "auntie loves you soooooooo much!" and she's getting to the point where she's almost smiling back at me now. I picture her in a couple of years with little pig-tails running to me screaming "Auntie Tamra!!!!!!" She's the sunshine in my life right now. I try to sing "You are my Sunshine" (just the chorus cuz the rest of the song is really jacked up!) quietly to her but have to stop myself because I start to cry every time. I think of how truly happy she makes me when my skies are grey and God help whoever tries to take my sunshine away for they will surely pull back a bloody nub!
My weight is still fluctuating as usual. I'm finding it harder and harder to avoid the starchy carbs because I'm getting that frustration of "nothing's working" so why bother. It gets so frustrating to see the scale yo-yo like that and everyone's got all sorts of helpful advice but sometimes I just get tired of hearing it. I know what I should do and what's "supposed" to happen but....*sigh I'm just frustrated :(
In addition to the betrayal and frustration there is the anger. Anger at God for making my body this way. Why did He give me such a desire to be a mom and then take away my ability to conceive!? Why does it seem like EVERYONE around me is pregnant?! Why do I constantly see in the news, stories of women (I refuse to call them mothers) who are blessed enough to have children and then abuse or murder them. Just today I saw two separate stories...One woman gave birth to twin boys and then killed them both so her family wouldn't find out she'd been pregnant. Another a stepmother killed then dismembered her daughter. Seriously?!?!? These are the people that God allows to get pregnant or "acquire" a child by marriage?
I'm so tired of constantly feeling like my ovaries are going to explode! For the last 1-2 weeks my right side is causing so much discomfort. Again feeling like "well it's not doing what it's supposed to so why bother". Part of me wishes I could just get them taken out. What's it gonna do? send me into early menopause? Isn't that basically what I'm in already? It's not like they're producing the hormones that they're supposed to anyways. What's the point?!
One of my co-workers also has PCOS so we've been comparing our woes this week. She had a doctor's appointment this week and one option that was discussed was "ovarian drilling". My understanding of that procedure is they destroy part of the ovary which allows the rest of the ovary to produce follicles and thereby ovulate. Imagine the difference in a bubble wand that has a lot of little holes versus one that has just one hole. You can either make a lot of little bubbles with one or one big bubble with the other. Kinda the same principle. My fear with this is what if they destroy the only working part of my ovary?!? Then what? Damned if I do...damned if I don't! I'm just so very tired of things not working the way they are supposed to. Every day that I don't have a period is one more day lost in my "fertility decreases dramatically at the age of 36" time frame. Every cycle that I don't ovulate means that I have to wait at least 2 weeks if not more for another cycle to start. Then if I don't start one that means contacting the doctor, getting meds, taking the meds, then waiting for the effects of the meds...meanwhile TICK TOCK TICK TOCK!!
This is all why it's been so long since my last post. There's really not been anything to report.
My saving grace lately has been my beautiful little niece. We celebrated her one month birthday last week. Time's going by so quickly. I love holding her and looking into that beautiful little face with her gorgeous little dimples. I smile and tell her "auntie loves you soooooooo much!" and she's getting to the point where she's almost smiling back at me now. I picture her in a couple of years with little pig-tails running to me screaming "Auntie Tamra!!!!!!" She's the sunshine in my life right now. I try to sing "You are my Sunshine" (just the chorus cuz the rest of the song is really jacked up!) quietly to her but have to stop myself because I start to cry every time. I think of how truly happy she makes me when my skies are grey and God help whoever tries to take my sunshine away for they will surely pull back a bloody nub!
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
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