I am nothing if not persistent... or stubborn, whatever you want to call it. I don't give up easily. So today, I try again. Today we are having our 3rd IUI. Gotta admit I'm a little scared. What if this one doesn't work either? Then I know that we have to move on to the more complicated/expensive stuff.
The good news is I think I may actually be ovulating this time. Even on fertility meds I still have long cycles and I think we've just been premature in our timing up to this point. I had ultrasound on Tuesday (CD 15) that showed I *actually* had a follicle that was *actually* the size we need for it to be! Exciting!! I told hubby and he seemed happy about the progress. Few things are funnier than your husband talking towards his lap saying "Alright boys! Better bring your "A" game!" TMI?? lol
I've also started "temping"...monitoring your basal temperature (your body temp when you first wake up). Your body temp fluctuates based on where you are in your cycle and you can determine if ovulation has occurred by the drops/spikes in temp. Thank God for a phone app that keeps track and charts it for you otherwise I might lose my mind.
I was a baking fool on Monday. Had appointments with both Dr Su and Dr Woon on Tuesday. I wanted to take them a little something to show my appreciation for their dedication to "my cause". I tried to do that with magic cookie bars and blondie brownies because I swear there aren't words enough to express my gratitude. Dr Su, yet again, came in on his day off to see me. I'm almost sure he's an angel 0:-)
Dr Woon is now out of the office for the next two weeks...yes, right at the time when I need him most. He has been kind enough to refer me to another acupuncturist for treatments for these two weeks. Getting a hold of her has been a royal pain and she's not returned my calls. I really don't need the stress of trying to schedule appointments with her. I doubt that as a secondary referral/new patient that she will be as accommodating as Dr Woon has been, which is kind of worrying me.
I'm scared of the depression that I'm sure will set in if this doesn't work. I just want to get pregnant just so I know it's even possible! I usually get depressed around this time of year anyway but to have this struggle on top of my usually holiday blues will be excruciating...again. I will likely not blog again until after the holidays. For one, I'll just be busy, as I'm sure you will be, getting ready for the holiday get-togethers. For another, this is the usual 2 week waiting period to see if this IUI "takes" or not. (Here's your fair warning that my first blog of 2012 may be a little depressing) I'm trying to stay positive but in the face of so much disappointment it's quite taxing on a soul...my soul to be exact. So in two weeks we will be heading into a New Year. Here's hoping that 2012 starts off on a POSITIVE note.
I pray Peace and Joy for you and your families this holiday season.
Have a Merry CHRISTmas!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
If At First You Don't Succeed...
Try, Try again...and again and again....then try some more.
This will be cycle #4 and IUI #3 (this go 'round) providing that my body responds to the Clomid. Tomorrow I start my 5 day regimen of 250mg of Clomid. Next Friday, I will be having an ultrasound to check for follicles. Dr Su is willing to do 3 IUI's before he refers you to a specialist. So I'm trying again. I'm not giving up. If I'm anything it's stubborn. It runs in the family.
I'm still in awe of what an awesome medical team I have. Both doctors I work with are just amazing to me. I swear it seems that Dr Su gets just as disappointed as I do when the IUI's don't work. I'm so fortunate to have such incredible, caring, compassionate, persistent doctors helping me.
I did cancel my endocrine appointment in Seattle. The only reason I wanted to see that doc was to get a referral to the PCOS guy here in Tacoma. Turns out that Dr Su can do the same referral so I figured why waste the gas and time to drive to Seattle.
I feel kind of bad...Today one of my coworkers was afraid to tell me she is pregnant. I hate that. I don't want people to feel like they cant tell me about their pregnancies. I do appreciate that she was sensitive to what I've been dealing with but I hate that people worry about telling me. Please know that I am truly happy for you if you are expecting. If you tell me you're pregnant, I promise you I will smile and congratulate you and most importantly I'll mean it! How I feel about my situation and my response to yours can literally be a flip of a coin at any given moment of any day. Today...right now... I'm doing ok...no tears, no self pity. I really am happy for her. Timing really is everything. Tomorrow could be different. I could have a totally different reaction but that's for me to deal with. It's what I have to do. The world doesn't stop because someone other than me gets pregnant. Oh sure, I could totally have a meltdown but then I pick myself up, dust myself off and carry on. Again, it's what I have to do :)
Changing the subject, I'm getting a little nervous. I'm making a wedding cake next weekend. The bride is someone I used to babysit. I made her first birthday cake. How's that for surreal? I always get nervous making cakes but for some reason I am SUPER nervous about this one. My head tells me it will be fine...now if someone could just tell my stomach to quit flip-flopping that would be swell.
So far this holiday season I've maintained my weight so that's a blessing. I haven't lost any more but I didn't gain any over Thanksgiving. I'd like to lose another 10lbs before seeing the PCOS guy (since he's the one who told me to have gastric bypass, lose 100lbs then come back to see him) I'm quite proud that I've lost 40lbs so far without having the surgery. I just knew it wouldn't matter if I had the surgery if I wasn't going to change the way I eat. I'd probably lose more if I would exercise. ;) I just hate to sweat...it's gross. I guess I'll have to bust out the elliptical again if I want to knock out that 10lbs. Who knows maybe I'll even knock out 20lbs!
*fingers crossed!
This will be cycle #4 and IUI #3 (this go 'round) providing that my body responds to the Clomid. Tomorrow I start my 5 day regimen of 250mg of Clomid. Next Friday, I will be having an ultrasound to check for follicles. Dr Su is willing to do 3 IUI's before he refers you to a specialist. So I'm trying again. I'm not giving up. If I'm anything it's stubborn. It runs in the family.
I'm still in awe of what an awesome medical team I have. Both doctors I work with are just amazing to me. I swear it seems that Dr Su gets just as disappointed as I do when the IUI's don't work. I'm so fortunate to have such incredible, caring, compassionate, persistent doctors helping me.
I did cancel my endocrine appointment in Seattle. The only reason I wanted to see that doc was to get a referral to the PCOS guy here in Tacoma. Turns out that Dr Su can do the same referral so I figured why waste the gas and time to drive to Seattle.
I feel kind of bad...Today one of my coworkers was afraid to tell me she is pregnant. I hate that. I don't want people to feel like they cant tell me about their pregnancies. I do appreciate that she was sensitive to what I've been dealing with but I hate that people worry about telling me. Please know that I am truly happy for you if you are expecting. If you tell me you're pregnant, I promise you I will smile and congratulate you and most importantly I'll mean it! How I feel about my situation and my response to yours can literally be a flip of a coin at any given moment of any day. Today...right now... I'm doing ok...no tears, no self pity. I really am happy for her. Timing really is everything. Tomorrow could be different. I could have a totally different reaction but that's for me to deal with. It's what I have to do. The world doesn't stop because someone other than me gets pregnant. Oh sure, I could totally have a meltdown but then I pick myself up, dust myself off and carry on. Again, it's what I have to do :)
Changing the subject, I'm getting a little nervous. I'm making a wedding cake next weekend. The bride is someone I used to babysit. I made her first birthday cake. How's that for surreal? I always get nervous making cakes but for some reason I am SUPER nervous about this one. My head tells me it will be fine...now if someone could just tell my stomach to quit flip-flopping that would be swell.
So far this holiday season I've maintained my weight so that's a blessing. I haven't lost any more but I didn't gain any over Thanksgiving. I'd like to lose another 10lbs before seeing the PCOS guy (since he's the one who told me to have gastric bypass, lose 100lbs then come back to see him) I'm quite proud that I've lost 40lbs so far without having the surgery. I just knew it wouldn't matter if I had the surgery if I wasn't going to change the way I eat. I'd probably lose more if I would exercise. ;) I just hate to sweat...it's gross. I guess I'll have to bust out the elliptical again if I want to knock out that 10lbs. Who knows maybe I'll even knock out 20lbs!
*fingers crossed!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sadness and Gratitude
I had a pregnancy test this morning that confirmed what I already knew...I'm not pregnant...still...again...whatever. Even though there is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very remote chance that it could be too early to tell, given my previous history and gut feeling, I doubt it. Nothing about this cycle "felt" right. It never seemed that the timing was what it should be. Even though I receive an injection that *should* make me ovulate, I never felt like that actually happened. I felt for days like "ok it will happen....aaaaaaany minute now" but never had that *pop* feeling I usually get (when I actually ovulate). I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to have another childless Christmas. I kept thinking about how cool it would be for my brother to make his announcement last year and then for me to have an announcement this year. I had thought of all these fun little ways I could make the big announcement to my family. (My brother already took the slideshow idea ;)) Guess I'll have to hold on to those ideas for a little while longer.
The holidays really suck for someone dealing with infertility. Everything is about pictures with santa, the new popular Christmas toys, children's Christmas plays. All blatant in your face tauntings of what is just out of my grasp.
Last Christmas was SO hard for me. I was in the midst of fertility treatments, all hopped up on hormones (ie a tornado waiting to touch down). I wasn't blogging at the time and had no outlet. I kept all the tears and frustration locked up inside. On Christmas Eve, my brother and his wife announced they were having a baby. That triggered a torrential flood of emotions that I was powerless to control. I hope this makes sense and no one's feeling are hurt by this. It wasn't that they were having a baby. I was thrilled about that! It's that I wasn't... again. At that moment it wouldn't have mattered who made the announcement. It wasn't me. I literally cried all night long. I cried myself to sleep, woke myself up crying and cried myself to sleep again. I cried in the shower while preparing to go to my brother's for our family's Christmas celebration. I cried up to the moment I got in the car to go. All of the hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, emptiness, pity and loneliness literally poured from the depth of my soul. I hurt so bad. Rest assured I am NOT suicidal and would never take my own life so don't confuse what I'm about to say for "suicidal ideations". In those moments I thought of ways to cause pain to my body so that my heart wouldn't hurt so much. It was in those moments I realized what a "cutter" feels and the logic in their thinking. My husband couldn't understand how I was feeling. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. I was so excited at the prospect of my new niece or nephew and to find out he/she was due to arrive around my birthday? C'mon! What better gift could I ask for!? I knew it would be hard though. I knew all of the talk would be about Gin's pregnancy and the impending arrival of Baby Poo. I also knew I couldn't skip out on Christmas. I didn't want to take away from everyone else's excitement. They didn't need my pity party. So I gathered what control I could muster and went to celebrate with my family. I looked like I'd gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson. My eyes were SO swollen and puffy and my throat hurt from choking back the tears. I didn't want anyone to know that I had been crying and was on the verge of crying some more. I was really hoping to not have any more days like that. But unfortunately today is one of those days. Again, I cried in the shower, while I was getting ready for work. Thought I had composed myself but didn't even make it to my desk before I started crying again. Sometimes it feels so good to cry and just let it go. With infertility, you hold back so much because so many people feel it's such a private thing or maybe even shameful. Crying just lets it all out.
So another Christmas is on the horizon and here I sit crying my eyes out again. I feel ashamed for my tears because I know there are worse things than not being pregnant. My best friend's dad has prostate cancer and the prognosis is not good. I guess there is no delicate way of saying that :/ From what I've heard, this could likely be his last Christmas here on Earth. I should be focusing on how I can help my friend and be there for her instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself. The holidays are hard for many people...not just me. I'm struggling with taking the focus off of myself and remembering what the holiday is about. A Savior was born. It's His birth we celebrate. It's because of that birth that I can say with certainty that my friend's dad will have a grand Homecoming when God calls him home.
My friend's dad retired yesterday after being a pastor for many years. He was pastor of the church where my husband and I met. He performed our wedding ceremony. He's been an integral part of my life for 21 years. During his retirement service they were taking testimonies and stories about Pastor Dave. I wanted to say something but I was an emotional mess and I'm pretty sure no one would've been able to understand me. I'm almost positive he is not one of my blog readers but I want to tell YOU what an awesome guy he is. When I first moved from Florida to Washington, his daughter was the first new friend I made. She and I shared many sleepovers, birthday parties, random Friday nights. She was my maid of honor and is that friend who knows all my secrets but loves me anyway. She and her parents invited me into their home on many occasions. I was privileged to see what a Godly man her dad is. He's been there for me in so many ways when my own father couldn't be. He was there for me when I had problems with my family. He came to my highschool graduation. He was there for me when I had some difficulty in my marriage. How do you say thank you to the man who has been a mentor, father figure, spiritual leader, counselor? He has set such a wonderful example about what it means to "pray without ceasing". Until I met him, I'd never known someone who was in a constant state of prayer. Used to scare me to death when he'd take us to the mall. Sometimes I think there was more praying going on than driving but it sure taught me about praying! I am so very thankful for him and the example that he's been to me all these years. I'm so thankful that he (and his lovely wife Marsha) raised such an awesome lady that I can call my friend. I'm blessed by his presence in my life and so very thankful that God put him there when He did. He is always setting the example of what a Christian should be. Whether standing behind a pulpit or not, his life preaches a sermon. I just hope I pay enough attention to apply it to my life. Thank you Pastor Dave for...well, everything. :)
The holidays really suck for someone dealing with infertility. Everything is about pictures with santa, the new popular Christmas toys, children's Christmas plays. All blatant in your face tauntings of what is just out of my grasp.
Last Christmas was SO hard for me. I was in the midst of fertility treatments, all hopped up on hormones (ie a tornado waiting to touch down). I wasn't blogging at the time and had no outlet. I kept all the tears and frustration locked up inside. On Christmas Eve, my brother and his wife announced they were having a baby. That triggered a torrential flood of emotions that I was powerless to control. I hope this makes sense and no one's feeling are hurt by this. It wasn't that they were having a baby. I was thrilled about that! It's that I wasn't... again. At that moment it wouldn't have mattered who made the announcement. It wasn't me. I literally cried all night long. I cried myself to sleep, woke myself up crying and cried myself to sleep again. I cried in the shower while preparing to go to my brother's for our family's Christmas celebration. I cried up to the moment I got in the car to go. All of the hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, emptiness, pity and loneliness literally poured from the depth of my soul. I hurt so bad. Rest assured I am NOT suicidal and would never take my own life so don't confuse what I'm about to say for "suicidal ideations". In those moments I thought of ways to cause pain to my body so that my heart wouldn't hurt so much. It was in those moments I realized what a "cutter" feels and the logic in their thinking. My husband couldn't understand how I was feeling. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. I was so excited at the prospect of my new niece or nephew and to find out he/she was due to arrive around my birthday? C'mon! What better gift could I ask for!? I knew it would be hard though. I knew all of the talk would be about Gin's pregnancy and the impending arrival of Baby Poo. I also knew I couldn't skip out on Christmas. I didn't want to take away from everyone else's excitement. They didn't need my pity party. So I gathered what control I could muster and went to celebrate with my family. I looked like I'd gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson. My eyes were SO swollen and puffy and my throat hurt from choking back the tears. I didn't want anyone to know that I had been crying and was on the verge of crying some more. I was really hoping to not have any more days like that. But unfortunately today is one of those days. Again, I cried in the shower, while I was getting ready for work. Thought I had composed myself but didn't even make it to my desk before I started crying again. Sometimes it feels so good to cry and just let it go. With infertility, you hold back so much because so many people feel it's such a private thing or maybe even shameful. Crying just lets it all out.
So another Christmas is on the horizon and here I sit crying my eyes out again. I feel ashamed for my tears because I know there are worse things than not being pregnant. My best friend's dad has prostate cancer and the prognosis is not good. I guess there is no delicate way of saying that :/ From what I've heard, this could likely be his last Christmas here on Earth. I should be focusing on how I can help my friend and be there for her instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself. The holidays are hard for many people...not just me. I'm struggling with taking the focus off of myself and remembering what the holiday is about. A Savior was born. It's His birth we celebrate. It's because of that birth that I can say with certainty that my friend's dad will have a grand Homecoming when God calls him home.
My friend's dad retired yesterday after being a pastor for many years. He was pastor of the church where my husband and I met. He performed our wedding ceremony. He's been an integral part of my life for 21 years. During his retirement service they were taking testimonies and stories about Pastor Dave. I wanted to say something but I was an emotional mess and I'm pretty sure no one would've been able to understand me. I'm almost positive he is not one of my blog readers but I want to tell YOU what an awesome guy he is. When I first moved from Florida to Washington, his daughter was the first new friend I made. She and I shared many sleepovers, birthday parties, random Friday nights. She was my maid of honor and is that friend who knows all my secrets but loves me anyway. She and her parents invited me into their home on many occasions. I was privileged to see what a Godly man her dad is. He's been there for me in so many ways when my own father couldn't be. He was there for me when I had problems with my family. He came to my highschool graduation. He was there for me when I had some difficulty in my marriage. How do you say thank you to the man who has been a mentor, father figure, spiritual leader, counselor? He has set such a wonderful example about what it means to "pray without ceasing". Until I met him, I'd never known someone who was in a constant state of prayer. Used to scare me to death when he'd take us to the mall. Sometimes I think there was more praying going on than driving but it sure taught me about praying! I am so very thankful for him and the example that he's been to me all these years. I'm so thankful that he (and his lovely wife Marsha) raised such an awesome lady that I can call my friend. I'm blessed by his presence in my life and so very thankful that God put him there when He did. He is always setting the example of what a Christian should be. Whether standing behind a pulpit or not, his life preaches a sermon. I just hope I pay enough attention to apply it to my life. Thank you Pastor Dave for...well, everything. :)
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Round 3
So if we're Facebook friends you already are aware of some of this info but I'm well aware that I have blog readers that are not on FB so here's the DL on what's going on this cycle.
I had a couple of acupuncture appointments this week and a couple of ultrasounds to check for follicles. The first ultrasound I had indicated that I had multiple follicles this time, about 5 on one side and 4 on the other. Seems like good odds right?? Unfortunately the next ultrasound I had indicated that there hadn't been much, if any change in the follicle size. Didn't seem like the meds had worked this time either, but Dr Su wanted me to come in again to check one more time. So after 2 days of fervent prayer I went in again this morning for another scan. I had Cliff go with me because if I hadn't responded to the meds again I was going to bring up the ovarian drilling procedure again. Evidently Dr Su had a difficult time finding my left ovary with the ultrasound wand and it was quite uncomfortable as he searched for it. Finally he found it and my follicles :) Yep multiple follicles that are the right size for us to pursue another IUI. So I went into Urgent Care for a nurse to do my HCG trigger injection tonight and looks like we're a go for Monday. When the nurses did the injections in my hips, evidently I bled quite a bit because both of the nurses we're like "Oh! You are QUITE the bleeder! What are your periods like?!" Lady, don't even get me started! lol
It always makes me nervous getting the injections in urgent care because they don't always have alot of experience with mixing the HCG injection and they have to sit and read the instructions that come with the vials. I always worry "are they mixing them right? did they give me the right dose and still leave enough for next weeks shots?" I just have to trust that they know better than I about the mixing (although I do usually have to educate them a little about the process).
So anyhoooo, if you could please pray for us on Monday (and for the next two weeks) I would sure appreciate it.
The last blog I wrote I asked if any readers had questions for me about my personal experiences or about PCOS. Surprisingly, I did actually have some questions sent in.
The first question comes from a "big fan"/stalker of mine. <her words, not mine She's also a dear friend who asks...
I had a couple of acupuncture appointments this week and a couple of ultrasounds to check for follicles. The first ultrasound I had indicated that I had multiple follicles this time, about 5 on one side and 4 on the other. Seems like good odds right?? Unfortunately the next ultrasound I had indicated that there hadn't been much, if any change in the follicle size. Didn't seem like the meds had worked this time either, but Dr Su wanted me to come in again to check one more time. So after 2 days of fervent prayer I went in again this morning for another scan. I had Cliff go with me because if I hadn't responded to the meds again I was going to bring up the ovarian drilling procedure again. Evidently Dr Su had a difficult time finding my left ovary with the ultrasound wand and it was quite uncomfortable as he searched for it. Finally he found it and my follicles :) Yep multiple follicles that are the right size for us to pursue another IUI. So I went into Urgent Care for a nurse to do my HCG trigger injection tonight and looks like we're a go for Monday. When the nurses did the injections in my hips, evidently I bled quite a bit because both of the nurses we're like "Oh! You are QUITE the bleeder! What are your periods like?!" Lady, don't even get me started! lol
It always makes me nervous getting the injections in urgent care because they don't always have alot of experience with mixing the HCG injection and they have to sit and read the instructions that come with the vials. I always worry "are they mixing them right? did they give me the right dose and still leave enough for next weeks shots?" I just have to trust that they know better than I about the mixing (although I do usually have to educate them a little about the process).
So anyhoooo, if you could please pray for us on Monday (and for the next two weeks) I would sure appreciate it.
The last blog I wrote I asked if any readers had questions for me about my personal experiences or about PCOS. Surprisingly, I did actually have some questions sent in.
The first question comes from a "big fan"/stalker of mine. <her words, not mine She's also a dear friend who asks...
Q: Have you been diagnosed with diabetes? Are you going to
have your endocrinologists test you for that?
A: No thankfully, I have not yet been diagnosed with Diabetes.
I've had normal glucose tolerance tests. I did have two
tests indicating high insulin levels but the second test value
had improved after I began a regimen of metformin. I do plan
on bringing these tests up when I see the Endocrinologist
in December.
So more to come on that :)
The next couple of blogs I will address the questions regarding surrogates
and also about dealing with infertility and the holidays.
Again, thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. They are greatly appreciated!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
*Insert Clever Blog Title Here*
Not sure what to call this blog. "Update" seems kind of redundant since that's pretty much all this blog is. Seems like so much has happened since my last entry but at the same time seems like a lot of nothing.
The major happening of these last couple of weeks and probably the most sad news I have is that my friend Chani who had just found out she was pregnant at my last writing, has lost the baby. I can only imagine the profound sadness and disappointment she must be going through. Please keep her in your prayers as she faces another pregnancy loss.
As for me and how I'm doing...
You know that Cliff and I had discussed adopting a child. While that is not completely off the table, i am REALLY having a hard time abandoning my dream of conceiving and giving birth to my child. I know that adopting doesn't make me any less of a mother but my heart's desire is to birth my own child. Sometimes that seems like too much to ask for. As much as I am able to pursue fertility treatment options, that is what I'm planning on doing right now. Dr Su is willing to do 2 more IUI's so there's still a chance.
I had an ultrasound on Wednesday to see how that pesky cyst was doing and it had gone down to 1cm. Dr Su said that we would be able to begin Clomid again this cycle so tonight I take my 4th out of 5 doses of Clomid. He's increased it to 250mg. So far the side effects have been pretty minimal with the exception of the vision disturbances again. Waking up in the morning is just that much more fun when it seems like you're waking to a bazillion flashbulbs going off....oh, and the hot flashes *wipes forehead*
I had an acupuncture appointment on Friday and spent most of the appointment catching him up since I haven't seen him since August. I have another ultrasound scheduled on Tuesday (I'm surprised my ovaries don't glow in the dark by now with all the radiological exams I've had done). Then I have another acupuncture appointment on Wednesday. I'm SO very thankful that both Dr Su and Dr Woon are sensitive to the timing issues with this and are so flexible in getting me in for appointments. One less thing I need to worry and fret about.
I went to Barnes and Nobles today and bought every book they had on PCOS...both of them. I'm not really surprised about the lack of info out there. What's really frustrating is that everyone's answer to "curing" PCOS is weightloss. Then I read that the weightloss ratio is 3 to 1...being that, as hard as it is for the "average" person to lose 3 pounds? That's how hard it is for a "cyster" to lose one pound. SO frustrating but at the same time it makes me all the more proud of the weight I've lost and kept off...for the most part. I'm really struggling with my potato addiction. I LOVE potatoes! Any way, shape or form! LOVE 'em! aaaaannnd they're my arch nemesis having PCOS. If you could pray that potatoes would start to taste like something nasty, that could help me a bunch...
Oh and I did ask Dr Su about the ovarian drilling. He said that it's more for women who don't ovulate on meds. Because I have ovulated on the meds I don't meet the "criteria". Imay will bring it up again if I don't ovulate again on this cycle. That would be 2 out of 3 times that I didn't ovulate on the meds. So we'll see...fingers crossed that my body responds to the medications.
I also have an appointment with an endocrinologist on Dec 1. Another frustrating aspect of PCOS is this- had I been diagnosed with cancer, the doctor would've laid out a plan for my treatment. "Alright, you'll need to see an oncologist, have chemo, maybe radiation and surgery" etc. But with PCOS, it was "Yup, you have PCOS. See you in two years for your next pap". Uuuuuhhh, thanks? No one ever said "maybe you should see an endocrinologist". So I have an appointment...in Seattle...yuk. Oh and remember when I talked about seeing the doctor who told me to take my fertility money, have gastric bypass and lose 100lbs, then come back to see him? Yeah I found out he's the PCOS guy at that clinic. I've struggled with do I go back to him? He IS an endocrinologist and he's the PCOS specialist. When I saw him the first time, I know I was super sensitive to what he said. He had said that I probably didn't need IVF. I just needed to ovulate. He wasn't saying he wouldn't help me have a baby. He just didn't think it was necessary for me to spend money on an expensive procedure that may not be needed. He IS more conveniently located than a doctor in Seattle who is only in the office on Thursdays and Fridays (my day off is Tuesday). So I'm hoping the endo doc in Seattle will refer me to this guy who's more local.
In closing, my reasons for doing this blog in addition to being my own shoulder to cry on and venting thru this outlet, is to educate people about PCOS. So I'm curious if anyone reads this blog and has questions about PCOS? Or if you have something about me personally and my struggles with PCOS and infertility that you would like to ask? For example, I know some have asked if we've considered a surrogate. The short answer is yes and I'm sure that will be a future blog topic. Anyhow, if there's anything you're curious about email your questions to lilpoobear76@hotmail.com with BLOG in the subject line and I will answer them in future blogs. At this point, i am an open book! i really just want to make people more aware of this stupid disease.
Thanks again for taking the time to read.
More updates soon :)
The major happening of these last couple of weeks and probably the most sad news I have is that my friend Chani who had just found out she was pregnant at my last writing, has lost the baby. I can only imagine the profound sadness and disappointment she must be going through. Please keep her in your prayers as she faces another pregnancy loss.
As for me and how I'm doing...
You know that Cliff and I had discussed adopting a child. While that is not completely off the table, i am REALLY having a hard time abandoning my dream of conceiving and giving birth to my child. I know that adopting doesn't make me any less of a mother but my heart's desire is to birth my own child. Sometimes that seems like too much to ask for. As much as I am able to pursue fertility treatment options, that is what I'm planning on doing right now. Dr Su is willing to do 2 more IUI's so there's still a chance.
I had an ultrasound on Wednesday to see how that pesky cyst was doing and it had gone down to 1cm. Dr Su said that we would be able to begin Clomid again this cycle so tonight I take my 4th out of 5 doses of Clomid. He's increased it to 250mg. So far the side effects have been pretty minimal with the exception of the vision disturbances again. Waking up in the morning is just that much more fun when it seems like you're waking to a bazillion flashbulbs going off....oh, and the hot flashes *wipes forehead*
I had an acupuncture appointment on Friday and spent most of the appointment catching him up since I haven't seen him since August. I have another ultrasound scheduled on Tuesday (I'm surprised my ovaries don't glow in the dark by now with all the radiological exams I've had done). Then I have another acupuncture appointment on Wednesday. I'm SO very thankful that both Dr Su and Dr Woon are sensitive to the timing issues with this and are so flexible in getting me in for appointments. One less thing I need to worry and fret about.
I went to Barnes and Nobles today and bought every book they had on PCOS...both of them. I'm not really surprised about the lack of info out there. What's really frustrating is that everyone's answer to "curing" PCOS is weightloss. Then I read that the weightloss ratio is 3 to 1...being that, as hard as it is for the "average" person to lose 3 pounds? That's how hard it is for a "cyster" to lose one pound. SO frustrating but at the same time it makes me all the more proud of the weight I've lost and kept off...for the most part. I'm really struggling with my potato addiction. I LOVE potatoes! Any way, shape or form! LOVE 'em! aaaaannnd they're my arch nemesis having PCOS. If you could pray that potatoes would start to taste like something nasty, that could help me a bunch...
Oh and I did ask Dr Su about the ovarian drilling. He said that it's more for women who don't ovulate on meds. Because I have ovulated on the meds I don't meet the "criteria". I
I also have an appointment with an endocrinologist on Dec 1. Another frustrating aspect of PCOS is this- had I been diagnosed with cancer, the doctor would've laid out a plan for my treatment. "Alright, you'll need to see an oncologist, have chemo, maybe radiation and surgery" etc. But with PCOS, it was "Yup, you have PCOS. See you in two years for your next pap". Uuuuuhhh, thanks? No one ever said "maybe you should see an endocrinologist". So I have an appointment...in Seattle...yuk. Oh and remember when I talked about seeing the doctor who told me to take my fertility money, have gastric bypass and lose 100lbs, then come back to see him? Yeah I found out he's the PCOS guy at that clinic. I've struggled with do I go back to him? He IS an endocrinologist and he's the PCOS specialist. When I saw him the first time, I know I was super sensitive to what he said. He had said that I probably didn't need IVF. I just needed to ovulate. He wasn't saying he wouldn't help me have a baby. He just didn't think it was necessary for me to spend money on an expensive procedure that may not be needed. He IS more conveniently located than a doctor in Seattle who is only in the office on Thursdays and Fridays (my day off is Tuesday). So I'm hoping the endo doc in Seattle will refer me to this guy who's more local.
In closing, my reasons for doing this blog in addition to being my own shoulder to cry on and venting thru this outlet, is to educate people about PCOS. So I'm curious if anyone reads this blog and has questions about PCOS? Or if you have something about me personally and my struggles with PCOS and infertility that you would like to ask? For example, I know some have asked if we've considered a surrogate. The short answer is yes and I'm sure that will be a future blog topic. Anyhow, if there's anything you're curious about email your questions to lilpoobear76@hotmail.com with BLOG in the subject line and I will answer them in future blogs. At this point, i am an open book! i really just want to make people more aware of this stupid disease.
Thanks again for taking the time to read.
More updates soon :)
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Rejoicing and Calling All Prayer Warriors!!
Hi friends,
Remember a few blogs back I mentioned about meeting ladies online who were struggling with infertility as well and asked for your prayers for one of them in particular? She and her husband have trying to conceive for many years (12 I think) and she has a history of a previous miscarriage. Well this morning during church, as our pastor preached on God's faithfulness, I received a message from my friend. With her blessing, I am ecstatic to report that she is pregnant!!! I am SO thrilled for her. Coinciding with Pastor's message this morning reinforces to me that God IS faithful. He DOES hear our prayers. I am so encouraged by this news and it thrills my heart! The tears I cried were tears of joy and hope.
I can only imagine the thoughts flying thru her brain right now! The joy and excitement, the trepidation and fear. She has asked for prayer and I am asking you, my friends to join me in praying for her, her husband and their baby. Please pray that if God wills, that He will cover that little baby with His mighty hands and that the baby will grow strong and healthy to full term. Please pray for my friend that God will calm her spirit and give her peace. Here is her blog if you wish to follow her story directly. Chani's Place Whether you follow her blog or not would you please, please lift her up before God even as you read this post? Thank you!
TP
Remember a few blogs back I mentioned about meeting ladies online who were struggling with infertility as well and asked for your prayers for one of them in particular? She and her husband have trying to conceive for many years (12 I think) and she has a history of a previous miscarriage. Well this morning during church, as our pastor preached on God's faithfulness, I received a message from my friend. With her blessing, I am ecstatic to report that she is pregnant!!! I am SO thrilled for her. Coinciding with Pastor's message this morning reinforces to me that God IS faithful. He DOES hear our prayers. I am so encouraged by this news and it thrills my heart! The tears I cried were tears of joy and hope.
I can only imagine the thoughts flying thru her brain right now! The joy and excitement, the trepidation and fear. She has asked for prayer and I am asking you, my friends to join me in praying for her, her husband and their baby. Please pray that if God wills, that He will cover that little baby with His mighty hands and that the baby will grow strong and healthy to full term. Please pray for my friend that God will calm her spirit and give her peace. Here is her blog if you wish to follow her story directly. Chani's Place Whether you follow her blog or not would you please, please lift her up before God even as you read this post? Thank you!
TP
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Quick Update
I had my ultrasound this morning and it confirmed that I do have a cyst on my left ovary about 4cm. It's still weird to me that it's on my left side since it's my right side where I feel so much discomfort. The tech said I have the typical PCOS cysts on both ovaries (lots of little cysts) and then there's the larger one on the left. Dr Su called me by lunchtime with the results and said we would not be able to do clomid again until the cyst goes down in size. He suggested that if we want to do clomid again that I see him in the beginning of November (in about 5 weeks) to see how things are at that time. He basically said this will give me time to "cycle out". So more waiting...
I've decided that I AM going to ask him about the ovarian drilling procedure. I want to know how successful, how dangerous, has HE ever actually done one, and is it something that he would recommend as treatment for my PCOS/lack of ovulating problems.
In the mean time, I am prepping for the fostering/adoption process (again, SHOULD that be the route we take). Getting a little more organized is a necessity for me whether we adopt or not. I actually spent today trying to clean out and organize a little. I'm shredding so much paper that it looks like Enron around here. It's amazing to me how much crap I have around my house. (Did I mention I have a slight hoarding problem?) I'm not "careful, you'll find a dead animal carcass" bad but I do need to get a handle on this problem. So there's the update.
I'd also like to thank each person who reads this for their support, love, kind words and prayers. I appreciate it more than I can say.
Thank you!
TP
I've decided that I AM going to ask him about the ovarian drilling procedure. I want to know how successful, how dangerous, has HE ever actually done one, and is it something that he would recommend as treatment for my PCOS/lack of ovulating problems.
In the mean time, I am prepping for the fostering/adoption process (again, SHOULD that be the route we take). Getting a little more organized is a necessity for me whether we adopt or not. I actually spent today trying to clean out and organize a little. I'm shredding so much paper that it looks like Enron around here. It's amazing to me how much crap I have around my house. (Did I mention I have a slight hoarding problem?) I'm not "careful, you'll find a dead animal carcass" bad but I do need to get a handle on this problem. So there's the update.
I'd also like to thank each person who reads this for their support, love, kind words and prayers. I appreciate it more than I can say.
Thank you!
TP
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