A Rolling Ball And A Blessing

At the last writing I was kind of stressing over the remodel of our bathroom and selecting an agency to begin our adoption process.  Well, the bathroom is completed and looks great (I think).

Before...                                                                      After!!!

This transformation only took 6 days to complete.  However, it was a loooooooong 6 days!

We also decided the route we want to take in pursuing an adoption.  We've contacted the local Youth for Christ office.  They have a foster to adopt program and we are thinking this is what we should do.  I wasn't sure that I could do a foster to adopt situation.  I'm scared to death that a child would be placed in my home and then taken from me to be reunited with their birth family.  Then I found out that I can determine the "type" of child/placement we want.  For instance, I can specify that I would prefer that a child that is placed with us be mostly "legally free".  This means that they will most likely be put up for adoption.  This can be determined by previous history (has the birthmom had other children taken from her by CPS? were parental rights terminated? etc), could be a "safe haven" baby,  things like that.  I submitted the "foster care interest" form online at about 8am and received a call from YFC at about 10am!  The lady I spoke with said she would get an information packet in the mail to me.  I received that the next day.  There are quite a few forms to complete but I look forward to the writer's cramp :)  There is a lot to do in this process...CPR/HIV classes, PRIDE classes, physicals (for us and the animals), finger printing, background checks, bio's to complete...Wow!  Lots to do, but we got the ball rolling!
Switching topics for a bit...I attended two funerals/memorials today.  My heart was so heavy for my friends who had to say goodbye to their loved ones.  I prayed that I would be able to be an encouragement to my friends in the midst of their loss.  One of the services was for my friend's mom.  She lived to be 83  years old and was a very Godly woman.  At the service I learned that she had been a missionary in Hawaii, that she would host Bible clubs for children in her home and that she was a fervent prayer warrior.  I didn't know her but if a woman's child is any testament to her character, seeing what an awesome guy her son is, she was a remarkable woman.  During the service, my friend Beth spoke of her mother in law and how, even in the darkest stages of dementia she had a clarity of mind when she prayed.  Beth would share a concern with mom and she was faithful to pray for the concern/request.  I later found out that our situation was one that she had lifted in prayer.  Also during the service, I was blessed to hear one of my favorite hymns "It Is Well", sung in Samoan...sung by a choir of her friends and family.  It was one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard.  Here I had prayed that I would be an encouragement and I was the one being encouraged.  What a blessing!

 

Motherhood

 

I AM a mom...I just don't have my child yet

 

My Head May Explode...

So it's been a month since my last post.  Not much has happened.  However, next week I'll be busier than a (insert your own politcally incorrect euphemism here), so I figured I better post something now.  Next week, we are having our bathroom rebuilt and I'm geting ready for an adoption fundraising yard sale next weekend.  I've looked at so many pedestal sinks I want to throw up in the next one I see.  I've looked at bathroom fixtures until my eyes crossed.  I've googled so many adoption agencies my head started hurting. 
Why does it have to be so difficult to find an adoption agency!?  I don't want to have to spend so much on my adoption that I'll be paying for that AND my child's college tuition at the same time!  I don't want to have to work after we adopt.  I've waited a LONG time to have a baby.  I do NOT want to have to put my baby in daycare.  There are so many options when it comes to adoption that I just don't know where to turn.  I sought out the social worker at work.  I told her I had some questions about adoption.  She cocked her head to one side and says "Did you know that my background is in adoption?!"  Um noooooooo, I seriously had no idea.  She gave me a few resources but even with that bit of direction I'm not sure where to go/what to do.  I wish that you could compare adoption agencies side by side like you can pedestal bathroom sinks.  It would make this SOOOO much easier!
In addition to the bathroom stuff, yard sale stuff (which has included cleaning and purging every room in my house), adoption stuff I've also gotten involved with a relatively new local charity.  It's called Charlie's Dinosaur and it's named for Charlie Powell or more correctly for his dinosaur drawing.  It's an awesome charity in honor of the boys and is being run by some very busy sheriff's detectives.  I offered to assist and they're taking me up on my offer!  I'm so excited to be a part of this amazing program and can't wait to see what it grows in to!!
With all of the Charlie's Dinosaur ideas floating around in my head in addition to all my personal stuff (bathroom remodel, cleaning, purging, googling, adoption etc) my head is just swimming in information.  I can't concentrate on anything.  I have a difficult time sleeping because I just can't turn my brain off and rest.  When I do fall asleep, it's not a good sleep because I'm dreaming about all of these things. 
My newest addiction is watching "Guiliana & Bill".  Their story encourages me and inspires me.  At the same time it makes me think..."Hmmm maybe I should give up on the adoption thing and find a uterus to borrow".  Anyone not using theirs for the next 9 months or so?! lol
Anyhooooo....praying for God's direction because I seriously have not a clue.  I KNOW I will be a mom one day.  How that will happen I don't know for sure but I trust God's got a perfect plan.  I just REALLY hope He manifests that sooner rather than later.

God Knew Better

When my niece was born last year I thought it was just happy coincidence that our birthdays were so close together. What better gift than a new niece for your birthday. I would've been happy with a pony but a new niece?!?!?! C'mon! That's like THE best gift ever! Now, a year later, I'm convinced she is part of God's perfect plan.

This birthday for me marked the big 3-6. You know... the day the fertility died (if it ever lived). The day that according to doctors, if I hadn't gotten pregnant by I never would. At times, all I could hear was that music of doom that they always have in the movies. It could've been super depressing. Instead it wasn't too shabby. My coworkers treated me to a card, cake and decorations. My husband took me to a lovely dinner at a restaurant that serves delicious Argentinian cuisine. Then we went to my favorite craft store. I only got a little sad as I sat on my yard swing in the cool evening breeze and had a moment to think about the day and what it could mean for my future.
It didn't last long. I had things to do. I was making my niece's birthday cake. She was having a "Sweet as can Bee" birthday party. I had to get my creative juices flowing and figure out what design I wanted to do. This is how it turned out. :)

You see, God knew that I would need a distraction on my 36th birthday. That's why she was born the day after I turned 35. It all makes perfect sense to me now! Instead of me having a pity party, we were celebrating her first year. It was a year full of the usual milestones...that moment when she joined our family, the first smile, rolling over for the first time, first foods, the first crawl, then about 2 weeks later (it seemed) the first steps and our personal favorite, dancing. I'm so very blessed to have such a close relationship with her and her parents and I've been around to see some of those firsts. When I thought that I would have nothing to celebrate when I turned 36, God knew better. And what better reason to celebrate than a new life, just beginning, full of joy, innocence and beauty. In that, I was able to see beauty in my life.

Looking forward to many more birthdays together!

This Is A Nightmare...This Is Only A Nightmare

A frightening look inside my obviously warped mind...

When I was a little girl about 6 years old, my parents separated.  We moved out and for the first time I had my own room.  This was going to be GREAT! or so I thought.  I became terrified of my room.  I would flip the light switch and try to make it to my bed before the room became dark. My night light would cast long, ominous shadows against the wall and ceiling, scaring me to death. Finally I just moved my bed to right under the light switch.  I began having nightmares nearly every night.  Either me or my little 1st grade boyfriend, Bobby, or someone else I loved was being attacked by Dracula behind one of my grandparents barns.  I still don't venture behind that barn...and at the ripe old age of 36 (almost) I still do not watch vampire movies, aside from Twilight.  I've always believed that there is some sort of meaning to our dreams.  I sit and analyze them any time I have a dream or nightmare.  As I grew older I came to believe that the vampire dreams symbolized that my parents marriage was sucking the life out of me. lol...but really.
Last night, I had the most graphic, horrific nightmare I've had since I was 6.  This is the nightmare...

*read at your own risk- not for the squeamish*
Again...this is just a nightmare...

"I'm sitting on my couch feasting ravenously on some sort of meat.  I'm oblivious to all that is around me.  I startle to reality and realize that I'm devouring the head of a pre-term human infant. I'm instantly mortified by my actions.  I begin screaming and throw the head across the room, trying to get as far away from it as I can.  Still screaming my parents and my brother come in to see what is wrong.  I'm covered in blood and cannot be consoled.  My Dad and brother instantly begin to try to cover up my actions as they begin to dispose of the head.  My mother sits next to me on the couch and tries to comfort me but still I'm screaming.  I become nauseated, realizing what I've done and begin vomiting. In trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing, we determine that the baby is one that was the subject of an abortion that my mother performed in 1971.  As my family sits around trying to support and comfort me, I'm still sick to my stomach and shaking"

Then I wake up.  I'm still shaking and feeling horribly nauseated.  I cannot get the graphic images out of my head.  And then I begin struggling to find the meaning of the nightmare...surely there's got to be a reason my sick, twisted little subconscious decided to bestow these mental images upon me.

Fact 1) I am not a cannibal
Fact 2) No one in my family has ever had to conceal a crime that I've committed
Fact 3) My mother (to my knowledge) was not performing abortions in her early teens or any time before or after that for that matter.
Fact 4) My family has always been there to support and comfort me
Fact 5) I blame NO ONE for my PCOS...crap happens

My Interpretation:  The death of the infant is symbolic of my fertility.  As the doctors seem to think, I've eaten my way in to never having a baby.  I've been told repeatedly that if I don't lose weight and get pregnant by the age of 36 (in 4 days) then I never will.  While my family has always been a support for me, I've done this to myself.  My subconscious blames my mom since it is likely from her family line that I've gotten the PCOS gene.  I have no idea of the significance of the year 1971.  It was the year my husband was conceived...maybe it symbolizes his fertility dying as well??

Crap, I don't know.  I just know that I woke with the WORST feeling ever...sick, profoundly sad and heartbroken...looking for reasons why...

Hopefully y'all don't think I'm crazy since I cant control my subconscious.  this has seriously made me sick all day. Is it the anxiety of turning 36 in a few days?  I just don't know.  I pray to God that this awful nightmare doesn't repeat itself and I can actually get a restful sleep tonight.

Brain Flurries

Where do I start...  My mind has been a flurry of thoughts lately, so many things to think about.

In a previous blog I'd mentioned about our cat Sam getting sick shortly after Buddy died.  Last Saturday, after an emergency trip to the Animal Hospital and a major hit to our pocketbook, we lost our "little" Sammy to cancer.  I put little in quotes because anyone who ever saw Sam knew he was no little cat. I don't even feel like I've mourned him appropriately because I still feel a numbness from losing Buddy.  It is so weird how empty our house feels with Buddy and Sam missing.  We still have the 2 Chi's and our kitty Max, but we can definitely feel a difference.   For the first time in his life, Max is an only kitty.  It's easy to see how much he misses his cuddle buddy.  There was nothing little about Sammy.  From his many nicknames to his paws, he was huge.  I remember when we took  him to the vet as a kitten and asked the doctor, "How big do you think he's gonna get?"  The vet held him up and says "well when you switch him from kitty chow to adult formula, you may wanna go straight to the low cal stuff".  She was right.  In prime condition, Sam weighed about 22lbs.  (at his death, he weighed just about 16lbs or so).  I loved his little paws.  I don't know what about them was so cute but I loved them.  He was the only cat I've ever seen that had lips...like actual lips.  When he was a kitten he had this ginormous head and ears.  He reminded me of Yoda.  That would've been his name except I got outvoted by the husband.  So anyhow we're missing our little Sama-Bama. House feels empty and now he waits with Buddy at the Rainbow Bridge.

I'd also mentioned in a previous blog about feeling the need to paint our living room  prior to having a home study.  Well in case I needed a reminder that God does answer prayer and provide, a friend gifted us with everything we need to paint the living room...from drop cloths and brushes to tape and paint...everything! Sooooo guess what I'm doing on my next day off!

I've also been thinking about our birthmom (and dad) and continue to pray for her.  I've been thinking about what I would say in our autobiographies and our letter to her.  I'm still struggling with major feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I need to really "sell" us.  I have no idea what to say, where to start, where to end...  What do you say to a birthmom?  "Thank you" just seems sooooo inadequate and "Pick Me, Pick ME!!!" just seems so desperate!

So many things to think about...all the stuff that I want to do to the house, things I want to pay off.  Do I work after a baby comes to our home? Can we afford insurance if I don't work? Can we afford daycare if I do?  I HATE the thought of waiting so long for a baby then having to put him/her in daycare just for the insurance.  Then there's the cost of the adoption, homestudies, background checks and fingerprinting etc.  Our vet bill for the last two months would've paid for the homestudy.  Can you tell I worry about money all the time?  I don't know why.  God's always provided what we needed and I know He will provide for this if this is what we're supposed to do.

Another reminder of God's grace and provision and answered prayer...One of my friends who's struggled for many years to get pregnant is currently expecting.  I've prayed harder and more fervently for her than I have for any thing else in my life.  I check in with her frequently because I'm just as freaked out,  as scared and anxious as she is.  Probably bugs the crap out of her!   If you could please keep her in your prayers I'm sure we'd both appreciate it :)

Hmmm...think that's all for now.  I'm sure I'll have more brain flurries later.

All In My Head

Since Cliff and I decided we want to adopt I've had a flurry of thoughts in my head.  I've made a list of all the things I want to do before our first homestudy...clear out the spare room to make into a nursery, organize the computer room, paint the living room... I know the social worker wont care about the paint on the walls but I see 12 years of wear and I want everything to be perfect.  I know I'm not the greatest housekeeper and am hoping a fresh coat of paint will help camouflage that.  I know it's unreasonable to think that painting is something I HAVE to do prior to the homestudy but again...these are the thoughts in my head.

I am so excited about this process.  This is the first time in our marriage that Cliff and I have really been on the same page with this.  I love knowing that Cliff thinks about what we're doing.  He comes home from work and asks random questions that we've never really discussed before.  The other night his question was "So how do we feel about discipline?"  I guess it just makes me feel better knowing that it's on his mind throughout the day too.

I printed a general "homestudy check list" from a website.  I thought it would ease my mind a little to have a check list and be able to make sure I have everything in order.  Instead it kind of freaked me out.  Not only do I have to paint my house but I have to do all this stuff too?!?!? Commence anxiety attack in 3....2....1....

I know that we are having a HOMEstudy not a HOUSEstudy.  I know the social worker is going to be paying more attention to mine and Cliff's desire for a child than to when I dusted the furniture last (thank God).  It is highly improbable that the painting will be done.  At this point, I would just be happy to have all the laundry washed, dried and put away (as I sit here and type away on the laptop). 

I have a lot of apprehensions about the homestudy.  I worry that we're too old (some agencies wont work with people over the age of 40).  I worry that we wont be "good enough".  I worry that once again my weight will hinder my chances of motherhood...that I'll be too "unhealthy" to adopt.  I know it's silly...people older and heavier than me adopt all the time.  People who put their adopted children in cages were deemed "good enough" so surely Cliff and I have a chance right? *deep breath* Like my dad said, I need to change my mindset.  The "what-ifs" are killllllling me tho!

Priority on my list of things to do...praying for our birth mom.  I know that she may not have even conceived our baby yet but I am praying for her.  I know she is making a very difficult decision. I'm praying that God gives her the strength and peace she needs in making that decision. I know God already has our birth mom picked out.  That sounds wonderful..."our birth mom"..."our baby"...my baby. <insert warm fuzzy feeling here>