Thin Line Between Love and Hate

Let's see...it's been a couple weeks.  Guess I should put out an update ;)

We still haven't found THE house.  We've gone and looked at a few and are pretty certain of what we DON'T want in a house!  It's so frustrating at times.  It's like when I would get money for my birthday and go shopping for new clothes.  If I didn't have money I could find things for daaaaays that I would want to add to my wardrobe.  Got money?  Nothing fits or I can't find anything I like.  Same thing with the house hunt.  The floor plans I'm drawn to are of houses built on a piece of land the size of a postage stamp.  The houses in our price range are not the floor plan I want.  Is it too much to ask for a nice house on a nice little piece of land?  I don't need acres of property but come on.  One house we looked at, the back yard consisted of the patio and a medium sized swingset.  That's it.  No grass in between the two.  It'd be nice to have a little bit of a yard to play games, have friends over, whatever.  The good news is we're not homeless so we can afford to be picky when it comes to a new house.  I guess again, my patience will be tested.

Now...the whole foster parent thing... Some days I really struggle with what that means.  As far as my heart is concerned, I am Sweet Pea's mom.  I stayed up all hours of the night when she was so sick.  There were nights when I listened for her breathing because I was so scared it would stop, trips to the doctor and ER, medications tracked and dispensed, snotty noses and poopy butts to be wiped, tears to be wiped away and hugs to be given, oh and teething, Lord we can't forget about the teething!  I've been there for all of that.  I've done all the things that moms do....but I'm not her mother.  I'm taking care of her until her mother gets back on her feet.  My head knows this but in my heart she'll always be MY little girl. There has been progress and Sweet Pea will soon begin having overnight visits with her family.  This is both wonderful and frightening for me.  I am so happy that her mother is making this progress. I am happy that it looks like there will be reunification.  That is the job of the foster parent, to take care of the child until reunification or some sort of reconciliation happens.   At times, I want to hate her mother, but really I feel sorry for her.  I want to be judgmental and hate her for what Sweet Pea has gone through and what she'll have to go through with the transition home.  At the same time, my heart breaks for this woman who is having to deal with the fact that someone else is doing all the "mom things" with her child.  It saddens me that her mother was reminded, "You'll need to brace yourself for when she stays the night and might cry for mommy...you are not who she is crying for".  It breaks my heart to 1) think of how that must feel for her, for her child to call another woman mommy and 2) to think of Sweet Pea crying for mommy and me not being there for her.  I want to hate her for that, but for Sweet Pea's sake I need to love her.  I need to love her and show her Jesus' love for her.  I need to show compassion and understanding. I feel like so many people have made assumptions about her mother and this path we are all on.  I had one doctor refer to Sweet Pea as a "little crack baby".  That is NOT accurate at all. She is not the reason Sweet Pea was so sick when she came to us.  It's wrong to assume that Sweet Pea is a "drug baby" and her mother does not deserve to get her back.

I guess God has always blessed (cursed?) me with a love and compassion for people.  I've always been tenderhearted.  I will cry with you even if I don't know why you're crying.  I will love you and care about you even when given reasons not to.  So I guess I have that going for me in my struggle as a foster parent.  I hope it will make this a littler easier and pray that I can show her mother love, compassion, and give her the support she needs as she takes over parenting Sweet Pea.  I'm grateful for all the support of our friends and family as we look to the day when Sweet Pea goes home.  We'll need it more than you know. I fear it will be the greatest challenge I've ever faced.

Mother's Day And Other Things

May 11, 2014 Mother's Day...my second one!  There were lots of tears again.  I guess it's just not in the cards for me to NOT cry on Mother's Day!  I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mom and parent this little girl that God has brought into our lives for this season.  She is a hoot!  We had a really good day together.  First of all Baby Girl was healthy this year!  No all night in the steamy bathroom.  No nebulizer every 4 hours.  We both got a full night of sleep!  It was great! We went to church where we both cried...she cried when I left her in the nursery and I cried throughout the service.  After church we went to brunch with the Grandmas.  It was really nice to be able to enjoy the day and not have to worry about breathing issues....makes all the difference in the world.  Later, while Sweet Pea played, giggling with her daddy, as I heard the pitter patter of her little bare feet on the hardwood, I cried again.  These are the moments I treasure, the sounds I've longed for.  It was a wonderful day :)

I started this blog initially to address what it's like living with PCOS.  I kind of got away from that when the focus of my life changed.  I still live with PCOS of course and it's been a rough couple of weeks.  I've been in pain quite often from the ovarian cysts and extremely irritable, just ask Cliff.  My biggest frustration, in addition to the pain and irritability, is probably one of the most taboo subjects related to PCOS...hirsutism, or in lay terms unwanted hair growth.  This is growing hair in places that men typically have excess hair (chest, face, back).  Few things make you feel as un-feminine as having to deal with facial and chest hair.  I don't mean like that one random chin hair that you pluck once a month or weekly and you're done with it.  I'm talking full on man beard you deal with every day.  (I can't believe I'm actually discussing this. It's so embarrassing!) I've tried so many things to get rid of it and nothing is effective.  There are pills you can take that will slow down the growth a little.  I'll be talking to my doctor soon about that.  It was never an option before because I was trying to get pregnant and you shouldn't take that medication if pregnant.  It only slows down the growth though.  I'd love to try laser removal but that's a little out of my price range right now.  It's so frustrating, irritating, embarrassing...pick your adjective.  It affects my self esteem, as if the weight problem wasn't enough.  I am super self conscious about even kissing my husband for fear he can feel the stubble...ugh, i mean c'mon...that is so not sexy!  Remember that someone with PCOS is dealing with a LOT that you may not see.  We live with pain, mood swings, and man beards.  Many days we don't feel beautiful or even slightly pretty.  We're more prone to depression because of the hormone issues and the things that happen with our bodies that we have little to no control over.   Anyhoooo...that's my PCOS PSA for today.

Soooo let's see....what else is going on.... Oh, we're house hunting!  We want to get a bigger house. We're thinking about getting licensed to be able to take more that one foster child.  Some days I think we've lost our minds as Sweet Pea reminds me daily that I'm not getting any younger.  My reasoning is this-  We cannot adopt Sweet Pea.  At this moment in time she is not eligible for adoption.  As long as she is in our care (which has already been twice as long as we were first told) we are not able to take a foster child that we COULD potentially adopt.  This doesn't mean that we can't adopt a child if you knew of someone *hint, hint*, but we can't take in another foster child that may eventually need a forever home.  So we need more bedrooms!  Let the house  hunting begin!  Woohoo!

Update on Sweet Pea- Basically there's still nothing to report.  Her visits with her family have increased but that's about it.  I'm almost positive she will return home and it will be sooner than I'm prepared for.  I cry at random times thinking about her leaving us.  When her visit supervisor picked her up the other day, she walked to the car herself, holding the hand of the visit supervisor.  About halfway across the yard she stopped and turned around, blew me a kiss and said "Bye-Bye".  My mind flashed to the day when she does that, not realizing that she's not coming back and I started bawling.  I wonder how I'll deal with her return home.

She's so stinking smart.  Most kids her age have about a 10-15 word vocabulary.  She is up to 30+ words and phrases.  Her favorite words are Daddy, bird, and Allie (our dog).  She usually gets to feed the fish with Daddy when he gets home.  One day he started without her.  She went running to the other room saying "Daaaaddy, what doing!?"  She loves to "read" her books oh and her new favorite pastime is playing in the toilet *gross*.  She loves to be outside and loves playing with bubbles. She can be very mischievous and I'm pretty sure she thinks my favorite word is "no-no".

If you are willing would you please include us in your prayers?
Please pray for

•  us to find the right house
• strength as we face her transition home
• her continued health (no respiratory problems since Nov!  We'd like for it to stay that way!)

Happy Anniversary

One year ago today my greatest,  most unattainable dream finally came true.  It was a long, so very long, hard, roller coaster of a ride to get there. Years of expensive infertility treatments,  years of just waiting to see if it would happen then as my husband says "boy ya sign a few papers and they just hand you a kid".  Of course it wasn't quite that easy but that's basically what happened. To read about the day we brought Sweet Pea home click here. 

 

Obviously, I haven't been blogging as much.  Sweet Pea keeps me pretty busy.  Let me see if I can catch you up.  A few days before Christmas, our little Sweet Pea turned 1!  I got to make decorations and party favors and a smash cake...and it was awesome.  It was so nice to be able to celebrate with our family.  She was shown so much love and so spoiled!!

 

 

 

Then we celebrated Christmas and I finally had a chance to put out the plate of cookies for Santa...and I cried.  Something so simple but meant so much to me.

 

We got to spend Christmas morning watching her open the TON of presents and she had a blast.  It took forever because how do you explain to a one year old that you can't play with the toy you just opened because you have to open these other packages? Again, we loved every moment.  We had waited a looooooong time to be able to experience that and we just soaked it in.

 

So that brings us to *checks calendar*...holy cow we're in April already.  If you remember, we were only supposed to have her for 6-9 months.  Here we are, a year later.  I wish I had more of an update but not a whole lot has changed.  We still anticipate that she will return to her family which we both dread and look forward to.  We want for there to be reunification if that proves to be in her best interest.  We are so very grateful for this year that we've had where we were able to parent her.  It was so very hard in the beginning since she was so sick.  I would like to say it's easier now that she's healthy but now she's so active and just in to everything ;)  She's so much fun.  Her little personality is starting to show.  She talks up a storm.  She loves books and our cat Max.  She was recently evaluated by the Step Ahead program and at 15 months she tested at 17-18 months in all categories with the exception of her "expressive communication" aka her vocabulary, where she tested at 23 months.  We are so proud of her and the progress she's made.  Sometimes she's too smart for her own good but we love watching her blossom into such a beautiful, intelligent girl.  She's the light of our lives.  We love her so very much and are so very grateful for this last year that we got to spend with her.

With Thanksgiving In My Heart

If you live in America, you know that this week we celebrated Thanksgiving.  Some people think it's a day marking a time in history of mass genocide, celebrated by gluttony and waste. To me, it's a day that I get to spend with family I may not otherwise see, eating food I don't usually get to eat.  It's time set aside that I might not otherwise prioritize for.  Though I'm thankful every day, this is a time where I focus on all of God's blessings.
I always get a little nostalgic around the holidays, so if you'll indulge me.  This past year has been amazing for me.  In April, my dream of being a mom was realized.  It didn't happen the way I'd always hoped and dreamed of.  God had better plans.  In September, I was able to quit my job, where I made a very good wage doing work I loved.  My dream of being able to stay home to care for a child had finally come true.  To say that I am thankful for these events is a gargantuan understatement.
Every day, I am thankful for my husband.  He loves me (the good, the bad, and the ugly), takes care of me, spoils me.  He provides for my needs and wants and supports me in following my dreams.  Without him the previously mentioned life events would not have happened.  I'm so glad he said yes when I asked him out 19 years ago and thankful I said yes when he asked me to be his wife 11 months later.
Every day, I am thankful for the little girl God has entrusted to us for this time in our lives.  Every morning when I go to get her out of her crib, she greets me with squeals and smiles.  Even though it seems she's always sick (right now we're dealing with hand/foot/mouth disease), I would rather have a baby who may get sick easily than have no child at all.  I am thankful that this year, my husband and I were able to go to ToysRUs and buy Christmas gifts for our kiddo.  Did we go overboard?  Most likely.  Did we have a blast doing it?  Definitely.  I'm so thankful we had a baby to buy for this year.  I finally get to see a little one opening gifts on Christmas morning.  I finally get to experience the joy and wonderment of the holidays thru the eyes of a child.  For the first time in well over 25 years, I'll put out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for Santa.  These are things that some people take for granted that I've yearned for years.  I am so very grateful that God saw my sorrow and heartache and was merciful to bless us with a child.

So very grateful

Things I've Learned As A (Foster) Parent

Since becoming a (foster) parent on April 9, 2013 I have learned a few things.   Thought I'd share in case you need to know or be reminded. 
Listed in no particular order-

• It is unlikely that what you had envisioned your life as a parent to be will be reality.
• Your house will not be as clean as you thought and it will seem there are less than 24 hours in a day.
• Laundry, dishes and other chores will always be there. Your child may not be. Spend time with them.
• Shaving,  conditioning, and sometimes even shampooing are not necessities and will likely not happen.
• Never pass up the opportunity to tell your child that they are loved, beautiful, important, unique, special etc.
• you will never again go to the bathroom. From now on, you're "going potty" and you will never do it alone again
• There is nothing that smells as amazing as a baby fresh out of the bath
• a baby leaning in for a headbutt looks exactly the same as a baby leaning in to give eskimo kisses-it is impossible to differentiate between the two
• it doesn't matter how sick you are, you will never feel as bad as when the baby catches your cold
• it's amazing how things that seem insignificant can mean so much...that tiny toothbrush in the holder next to yours or that third jack o'lantern on the porch means your life will never be the same
• the floor never creaks as much as it does after you finally get the baby to sleep
• it is impossible to love a child "just a little bit"
• evidently nipples make great handles and testicles apparently are prime targets for babies and clearly babies have their own point system
• quitting my job to be a stay at home mom was the best decision we've ever made
• it is vital to live in the moment. Though our language has changed from "if she goes back" to "when she goes back", that time hasn't come yet and I can't mourn when there's still so much living to do.

Though I'm sure that I have learned many more things they don't come to mind right now. Since I learn new things nearly every day from this little girl,  this blog will likely have a "part 2". 
Off to live in the moment! 
God bless!

Picture This

It's 10:30pm. I'm sick, sitting holding my also sick, almost 10 month old baby girl. I am tired and feverish.  Her fever has broken and she has clearly gained her second wind.  I'm rocking her trying to get her to go to sleep, to no avail.  She looks at me, starts wiggling and making her silly faces. I start to get frustrated and she calms for a moment.  She gives a little giggle, a smile and gently touching my cheek, looks me in the face and says in the sweetest voice I have ever heard, "mom-mom"....and I start to cry. Not just the gentle, sweet single tear but full on boohoo sobbing.  I waited so very long for someone to call me that. Was she trying to manipulate me so I wouldnt put her down? Eh, maybe.  I don't care!  As frustrating as bedtime has recently become, I would not trade it for anything.
I know that all too soon, unless God intervenes, she will return to her birth family.   At this point, everything is on track for that to happen.  Her family visits have recently increased to 2 4-hour visits per week.  The first day she was gone that long I sat and cried for most of that time.  The house was so extremely quiet without her here.  I don't want to know what that is like on a long term basis.
I know that once she leaves there will be another child who needs us.  Sadly there is a foster care crisis and there are nowhere near enough homes for the children in the system.  I wondered if it would be different if we only took short term placements.  Can I love them enough and show them God's love without falling in love with them?? The less time they're with us is good right? We wont have time to fall in love with them.  I talked to Cliff and asked what he thought.  He said thay we are all or nothing people. We wont be able to help but fall in love with a child put into our care, the instant they are placed in our arms. If becoming a foster parent has taught me anything it's that you can not effectively parent a child without loving them completely.  There's a few other things this experience has taught me but that is a blog for another day.
I love this little girl completely. I would love to be able to parent her until my dying day. I don't know if that will happen. What I do know is that we are living each day in the moment. I dont know exactly how long she'll be with us.  I'm hesitant to plan a birthday party for her because I dont know if we'll be able to celebrate with her. I dont know if we'll be able to be involved with her after she goes back to her birth family. She may never know she was in foster care and most likely will not remember us.
I really do not want to spend the rest of our time together crying and lamenting (although that may happen).  So today, we'll celebrate and love like it's our last day together...and if we're blessed, we'll wake up and do it again tomorrow.

Just Putting It Out There

When we went in to foster care it was our intention that we would open our home to a child who needed a loving, stable home until we could adopt them permanently.  The thing with the foster care system is it is usually the plan for the child to return to their birthparents/family. This re-unification process can take a long time.  You could also find yourself in a situation like ours where we knew from the get-go that we would not be able to adopt Sweet Pea.  In my mind, we would get the call for that one abandoned child that would be eligible for adoption, free and clear.  Now, having done this for a bit, I know that is very unlikely to happen...not improbable, but we could be waiting a while. 

I say all of that to say this...pursuing a private adoption can be done while we are providing foster care for a child.  All of the classes and homestudies we had done to become licensed foster parents can be used for adoption.  Just because we have Sweet Pea doesn't mean that we can't also be searching for a birthmom.  Should the chance to adopt Sweet Pea come our way we'd love to have a sibling for her!

Now I say THAT to say THIS...I'm just gonna put this out there.  If you know of someone who is looking for a good, loving, Christian home for a child that they know they won't be able to parent, please let us know.  There's always the chance that a friend of a friend of a friend may be considering putting their child up for adoption.  We would love to provide the forever home that child needs.  While we feel that God has brought us to this place of providing foster care as a ministry, we don't want our desire to adopt a child to fall by the wayside.  I don't want our friends and family to think "Oh they have a kid they're taking care of, they wouldn't want this one".  Please keep us in mind if you hear of anything.  We will not be offended by any suggestions or offers.  We've always been very open and honest about our circumstances and I don't want anyone thinking they can't bring up the subject.  By all means,  BRING IT UP!!  I'm open to just about anything and would love to tell our child that you were an intricate part to them becoming a part of our family forever. :)