Happy Anniversary

One year ago today my greatest,  most unattainable dream finally came true.  It was a long, so very long, hard, roller coaster of a ride to get there. Years of expensive infertility treatments,  years of just waiting to see if it would happen then as my husband says "boy ya sign a few papers and they just hand you a kid".  Of course it wasn't quite that easy but that's basically what happened. To read about the day we brought Sweet Pea home click here. 

 

Obviously, I haven't been blogging as much.  Sweet Pea keeps me pretty busy.  Let me see if I can catch you up.  A few days before Christmas, our little Sweet Pea turned 1!  I got to make decorations and party favors and a smash cake...and it was awesome.  It was so nice to be able to celebrate with our family.  She was shown so much love and so spoiled!!

 

 

 

Then we celebrated Christmas and I finally had a chance to put out the plate of cookies for Santa...and I cried.  Something so simple but meant so much to me.

 

We got to spend Christmas morning watching her open the TON of presents and she had a blast.  It took forever because how do you explain to a one year old that you can't play with the toy you just opened because you have to open these other packages? Again, we loved every moment.  We had waited a looooooong time to be able to experience that and we just soaked it in.

 

So that brings us to *checks calendar*...holy cow we're in April already.  If you remember, we were only supposed to have her for 6-9 months.  Here we are, a year later.  I wish I had more of an update but not a whole lot has changed.  We still anticipate that she will return to her family which we both dread and look forward to.  We want for there to be reunification if that proves to be in her best interest.  We are so very grateful for this year that we've had where we were able to parent her.  It was so very hard in the beginning since she was so sick.  I would like to say it's easier now that she's healthy but now she's so active and just in to everything ;)  She's so much fun.  Her little personality is starting to show.  She talks up a storm.  She loves books and our cat Max.  She was recently evaluated by the Step Ahead program and at 15 months she tested at 17-18 months in all categories with the exception of her "expressive communication" aka her vocabulary, where she tested at 23 months.  We are so proud of her and the progress she's made.  Sometimes she's too smart for her own good but we love watching her blossom into such a beautiful, intelligent girl.  She's the light of our lives.  We love her so very much and are so very grateful for this last year that we got to spend with her.

With Thanksgiving In My Heart

If you live in America, you know that this week we celebrated Thanksgiving.  Some people think it's a day marking a time in history of mass genocide, celebrated by gluttony and waste. To me, it's a day that I get to spend with family I may not otherwise see, eating food I don't usually get to eat.  It's time set aside that I might not otherwise prioritize for.  Though I'm thankful every day, this is a time where I focus on all of God's blessings.
I always get a little nostalgic around the holidays, so if you'll indulge me.  This past year has been amazing for me.  In April, my dream of being a mom was realized.  It didn't happen the way I'd always hoped and dreamed of.  God had better plans.  In September, I was able to quit my job, where I made a very good wage doing work I loved.  My dream of being able to stay home to care for a child had finally come true.  To say that I am thankful for these events is a gargantuan understatement.
Every day, I am thankful for my husband.  He loves me (the good, the bad, and the ugly), takes care of me, spoils me.  He provides for my needs and wants and supports me in following my dreams.  Without him the previously mentioned life events would not have happened.  I'm so glad he said yes when I asked him out 19 years ago and thankful I said yes when he asked me to be his wife 11 months later.
Every day, I am thankful for the little girl God has entrusted to us for this time in our lives.  Every morning when I go to get her out of her crib, she greets me with squeals and smiles.  Even though it seems she's always sick (right now we're dealing with hand/foot/mouth disease), I would rather have a baby who may get sick easily than have no child at all.  I am thankful that this year, my husband and I were able to go to ToysRUs and buy Christmas gifts for our kiddo.  Did we go overboard?  Most likely.  Did we have a blast doing it?  Definitely.  I'm so thankful we had a baby to buy for this year.  I finally get to see a little one opening gifts on Christmas morning.  I finally get to experience the joy and wonderment of the holidays thru the eyes of a child.  For the first time in well over 25 years, I'll put out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for Santa.  These are things that some people take for granted that I've yearned for years.  I am so very grateful that God saw my sorrow and heartache and was merciful to bless us with a child.

So very grateful

Things I've Learned As A (Foster) Parent

Since becoming a (foster) parent on April 9, 2013 I have learned a few things.   Thought I'd share in case you need to know or be reminded. 
Listed in no particular order-

• It is unlikely that what you had envisioned your life as a parent to be will be reality.
• Your house will not be as clean as you thought and it will seem there are less than 24 hours in a day.
• Laundry, dishes and other chores will always be there. Your child may not be. Spend time with them.
• Shaving,  conditioning, and sometimes even shampooing are not necessities and will likely not happen.
• Never pass up the opportunity to tell your child that they are loved, beautiful, important, unique, special etc.
• you will never again go to the bathroom. From now on, you're "going potty" and you will never do it alone again
• There is nothing that smells as amazing as a baby fresh out of the bath
• a baby leaning in for a headbutt looks exactly the same as a baby leaning in to give eskimo kisses-it is impossible to differentiate between the two
• it doesn't matter how sick you are, you will never feel as bad as when the baby catches your cold
• it's amazing how things that seem insignificant can mean so much...that tiny toothbrush in the holder next to yours or that third jack o'lantern on the porch means your life will never be the same
• the floor never creaks as much as it does after you finally get the baby to sleep
• it is impossible to love a child "just a little bit"
• evidently nipples make great handles and testicles apparently are prime targets for babies and clearly babies have their own point system
• quitting my job to be a stay at home mom was the best decision we've ever made
• it is vital to live in the moment. Though our language has changed from "if she goes back" to "when she goes back", that time hasn't come yet and I can't mourn when there's still so much living to do.

Though I'm sure that I have learned many more things they don't come to mind right now. Since I learn new things nearly every day from this little girl,  this blog will likely have a "part 2". 
Off to live in the moment! 
God bless!

Picture This

It's 10:30pm. I'm sick, sitting holding my also sick, almost 10 month old baby girl. I am tired and feverish.  Her fever has broken and she has clearly gained her second wind.  I'm rocking her trying to get her to go to sleep, to no avail.  She looks at me, starts wiggling and making her silly faces. I start to get frustrated and she calms for a moment.  She gives a little giggle, a smile and gently touching my cheek, looks me in the face and says in the sweetest voice I have ever heard, "mom-mom"....and I start to cry. Not just the gentle, sweet single tear but full on boohoo sobbing.  I waited so very long for someone to call me that. Was she trying to manipulate me so I wouldnt put her down? Eh, maybe.  I don't care!  As frustrating as bedtime has recently become, I would not trade it for anything.
I know that all too soon, unless God intervenes, she will return to her birth family.   At this point, everything is on track for that to happen.  Her family visits have recently increased to 2 4-hour visits per week.  The first day she was gone that long I sat and cried for most of that time.  The house was so extremely quiet without her here.  I don't want to know what that is like on a long term basis.
I know that once she leaves there will be another child who needs us.  Sadly there is a foster care crisis and there are nowhere near enough homes for the children in the system.  I wondered if it would be different if we only took short term placements.  Can I love them enough and show them God's love without falling in love with them?? The less time they're with us is good right? We wont have time to fall in love with them.  I talked to Cliff and asked what he thought.  He said thay we are all or nothing people. We wont be able to help but fall in love with a child put into our care, the instant they are placed in our arms. If becoming a foster parent has taught me anything it's that you can not effectively parent a child without loving them completely.  There's a few other things this experience has taught me but that is a blog for another day.
I love this little girl completely. I would love to be able to parent her until my dying day. I don't know if that will happen. What I do know is that we are living each day in the moment. I dont know exactly how long she'll be with us.  I'm hesitant to plan a birthday party for her because I dont know if we'll be able to celebrate with her. I dont know if we'll be able to be involved with her after she goes back to her birth family. She may never know she was in foster care and most likely will not remember us.
I really do not want to spend the rest of our time together crying and lamenting (although that may happen).  So today, we'll celebrate and love like it's our last day together...and if we're blessed, we'll wake up and do it again tomorrow.

Just Putting It Out There

When we went in to foster care it was our intention that we would open our home to a child who needed a loving, stable home until we could adopt them permanently.  The thing with the foster care system is it is usually the plan for the child to return to their birthparents/family. This re-unification process can take a long time.  You could also find yourself in a situation like ours where we knew from the get-go that we would not be able to adopt Sweet Pea.  In my mind, we would get the call for that one abandoned child that would be eligible for adoption, free and clear.  Now, having done this for a bit, I know that is very unlikely to happen...not improbable, but we could be waiting a while. 

I say all of that to say this...pursuing a private adoption can be done while we are providing foster care for a child.  All of the classes and homestudies we had done to become licensed foster parents can be used for adoption.  Just because we have Sweet Pea doesn't mean that we can't also be searching for a birthmom.  Should the chance to adopt Sweet Pea come our way we'd love to have a sibling for her!

Now I say THAT to say THIS...I'm just gonna put this out there.  If you know of someone who is looking for a good, loving, Christian home for a child that they know they won't be able to parent, please let us know.  There's always the chance that a friend of a friend of a friend may be considering putting their child up for adoption.  We would love to provide the forever home that child needs.  While we feel that God has brought us to this place of providing foster care as a ministry, we don't want our desire to adopt a child to fall by the wayside.  I don't want our friends and family to think "Oh they have a kid they're taking care of, they wouldn't want this one".  Please keep us in mind if you hear of anything.  We will not be offended by any suggestions or offers.  We've always been very open and honest about our circumstances and I don't want anyone thinking they can't bring up the subject.  By all means,  BRING IT UP!!  I'm open to just about anything and would love to tell our child that you were an intricate part to them becoming a part of our family forever. :)

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

How many times have you been in the check out line at the grocery store and had that person in front of you dressed to the nines, hair professionally done, nails professionally done with the newest smartphone out there, using WIC coupons?  I know I used to get so bugged that my hard earned money was being taxed for them to squander their funds and require state assistance.  It never once dawned on me that they could be a foster parent, caring for a child that someone had neglected or abused.  I never once stopped to think that maybe there was more to the story than what it appeared to be.  The thought never crossed my mind until I was the one using the coupons.  I try to go to the store on an "off" time so it's not as crowded.  I do this for 2 reasons... 1) using the coupons is a pain in the butt.  Each coupon is for a "batch" of items and have to be done in separate transactions.  For instance I get about 6 different coupons for Sweet Pea.  These 6 coupons purchase 6 cans of formula, 2 boxes of cereal, and 32 jars of baby food.  Why that can't all be listed on one coupon is beyond me.  So there I am in line with my "regular" purchase and my additional 6 transactions.  2) I feel like I'm being judged because of the way I'm dressed (whether dressed up or not) and using the coupons.  Are they really giving me dirty looks or is that just my perception?  Because I used to be so judgmental I feel like maybe everyone around me is judging me for using them.  I always feel like I have to justify my usage and say things like "Yeah, my foster daughter sure eats a lot"...Like I owe them an explanation for me using them??  The only thing I suppose I should feel badly about is the multiple transactions.  Yes, I am *that* person that holds up the line but seriously would YOU want to make 6 different trips to the store (Walmart because they're the only ones who stock enough of her special formula) to get 8 little jars of baby food at a time??!!  Maybe if Walmart had more than 3 check outs going at any given time of the day I might make more trips...but it's doubtful.

Being a foster parent has taught me to think about things a little differently....and maybe now you'll think a little differently the next time you're in the check out line behind someone like me ;)

Long Time No Blog

Hi...Remember me?  Sorry it's been a while since my last post.  I've been...uh...busy.  I've been busy with diaper changes, baths, bottles, doctors appointments....loooooooots of doctor's appointments, and cuddles...looooooooots of cuddles.  I have loved every minute of being a mom, even the hard minutes of breathing treatments and antibiotics.  In the last 4 1/2 months the baby has had RSV twice, Pneumonia at least twice possibly 3 times, bronchiolitis twice, and 2 ear infections.  It's been very challenging but she's finally doing really well.  She had an appointment with her pulmonary doctor today and he said she's doing great!  She's 26 1/2 inches tall and weighs 16lbs 10.8 oz!
So, ready for some happy updates?!  When baby came to us she was on seizure medication because her previous foster mom had reported "seizure activity" but could never get documentation (video) of said activity.  On August 9th Sweet Pea had a "100% normal EEG" and the Doctor said we could start weaning her off of the medication!  Yay!!  She took her last dose last Monday on my first day home with her. Which brings me to happy news #2! 
All of my life, all I've ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom.  That was only emphasized when we got Sweet Pea.  It killed me to leave her for 8+ hours per day knowing we'll only have her for a few more months.  I don't want to miss anything with her.  My husband and I talked about what it would take for me to be able to quit my job.  When we got Sweet Pea, I split our finances up just to see if we could live off of Cliff's income alone.  Time showed we could.  We'd have to cut back on some things but we could make it work.  Then my husband got a raise! We discussed it in more detail because it looked like after all this time and me always talking about "when I get to stay home..." I was actually going to get to quit my job and raise babies!!  Around the same time, there were changes that were going to be taking place with my job and my boss kept talking about "we'll have you on this work group" and "we'll send you to this class/meeting/etc".  I didn't feel it was right to keep my boss in the dark about my intentions to leave when she kept making references about my future in my current position.  So I ended up giving about a 6 week notice instead of the customary 2 weeks.  I have not been happier.  Last week was my first full week as a stay at home mom.  I got absolutely nothing accomplished and loved every second.
I am SO very grateful for my husband who is willing to take the responsibility for being the sole financial supporter for our family.  I'm grateful that it is as important to him as it is to me to stay home with our kids.  I'm grateful he loves me enough to help make my dream a reality.
I'll be honest...I never thought I could ever possibly be this happy.  NEVER in my life has anything gone the way I'd dreamed or imagined it.  Other than meeting NKOTB, none of my dreams have ever become a reality until now.  I've never been this happy with my life.  It's such a foreign feeling.  Am I allowed to be this happy?  When is the other shoe going to drop?  I picture myself walking in an open field and a piano falling out of the sky and landing directly on me.  At my funeral, people will shake their head and say "it was the darndest thing.  outta frikkin nowhere a piano BAM!!!  Just when everything was going so good for her". Nah, I'll not look a gift  horse in the mouth.  I'll take this joy with me every day for the rest of my life.  Even on rough days, I'll remember what it was like for someone to call me "Mom-mom" and smile from the depths of my soul.

Now that I'm not working hopefully I'll be able to blog a little more often.  Lots of changes will be coming our way as things are lined up for Sweet Pea to transition to her home, wherever that may be.  I'll be sure to keep everyone updated because when the time comes, Cliff and I will need the support.  We've grown to love her SO MUCH that it will rip our hearts out when she leaves.  We can use all the support and prayer our friends can offer. 
Thank you all for your support up to this point!  We really appreciate everything :)