Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Deja Vu all over again

I feel like crap...like I've been hit by a truck.  My body aches from head to toe.  People talk about having a heavy heart?  I feel like mine weighs a million pounds.  I've cried so much I can't imagine I would have any more tears left, yet they still flow.  My head is pounding.  Couldn't make it to work today (sorry, ladies) because I literally could not will myself out of bed.  My body would not move and I could not stop crying.  The only thing that got me out of bed was my lack of desire to pee the bed at my age...thought that might be a bit much.
I saw Dr Dudley at Seattle Reproductive Medicine yesterday.  I first saw him about 4 years ago.  At that time we had refinanced our house and padded the loan $10,000 to be used for fertility stuff.  I went in to his office with the intention of getting IVF.  At that time he said, "You probably don't need to spend the money on IVF.  We just need to get you to ovulate."  He told me to use the money to have gastric bypass surgery, lose 100lbs and then come back to see him.  Losing the weight would make the drugs more effective and decrease my risk for miscarriage.  I sank into a depression, actually gained weight and we spent the money paying off debt and doing home improvements that were needed.  At my largest I weighed 321lbs.  Geez, bugs me to even type that.  I finally became so disgusted with myself I knew I needed to change some things.  I struggled finding a meal plan that worked for me.  Thru research and the suggestion of my acupuncturist, I began focusing on a low glycemic index diet.  This is how I lost 40lbs and have kept them off.  But alas, 40 is not 100.
I went back to see him yesterday with the thoughts of "we just need to get me to ovulate because I don't need IVF" and according to their website he is *the* PCOS guy.  I am 4 years older than I was the first visit and now have no money for expensive procedures.  Cliff and I went in and sat down with the doc.  His first question was "what are your periods like?".  "Non existent without the help of medications".  He had not received my medical records from Group health yet and I couldn't find the labs that I had printed out.  My most recent labs were about a year ago so I'm not sure they would've been relevant anyway.  Then the doctor proceeds to say that given my age and poor response to Clomid he's not sure I would respond to any other meds even injectables. He recommends IVF for my situation (thanks alot @$$hole-now that I don't have any money for it!) BUT at my current weight, even if I had IVF it would likely not be effective.  He also said it carries a greater risk. Because of my weight I would have to have the procedure done at the hospital (which I'm sure is more expensive than the quoted $15-$17K) rather than the clinic.  He might as well have said it costs a trillion dollars.  I can lose weight to get my BMI down to 40 or less which is better but of course still not ideal.  This still doesn't provide me with the $15,000-$17,000 I would need.  He still recommends that I have gastric bypass to lose the weight because women with PCOS, even if they lose weight "it is unlikely that they would maintain the weight loss without the surgery". (can someone tell me how changing the size of my stomach changes how my body processes food?...it's still gonna change everything I eat to sugar)  I call BS on this one.  I've lost that 40lbs and MAINTAINED it thank you very much.  I asked about using an egg donor.  He said that my weight would still decrease the effectiveness of the procedure.  Basically, "why use a donor when you can just lose weight and have a child that is genetically yours".  I informed him that I am NOT going to have gastric bypass.  I CAN lose the weight without the surgery AND I can MAINTAIN the weight loss!  He did say it IS possible that just weight loss can dramatically improve my fertility.
He said that I should be taking progesterone every month to induce a period to reduce my risk for endometrial cancer so I was given a prescription for that.  He said that his office would call me in a week to see what I decided to do...I'm sorry...was I given any options here??!?!?!?
To get my BMI down to under 40, I would need to lose about another 50lbs, which is totally do-able. Again this doesn't magically make thousands of dollars show up in my bank account.
I was so glad that Cliff was able to get off work and go to the appointment with me since I needed someone to drive me home afterwards so I could cry my eyes out on the way.  I am SO angry, discouraged and confused.  I don't understand him as saying that I had any options.  It's either lose weight and have IVF or don't?  Spend the money I don't have for a procedure that, in his words, may not be effective.  Why does all of this have to be so frikkin difficult?  Cliff, trying to be optimistic since I'm so NOT, thinks that we should go the route of weight loss/IVF.  He says "after all, I've always wanted 5 kids at one time.  If they're all boys we'd have our own offensive line"  I said "what if they're all girls?"  His response was "Psshht, I don't know how to make girls".  So you know what that means...my sister in law better save her little girl clothes for me.  *Siiiigh...I have no idea where that money would come from.
I've been told to just picture our child in my mind and keep that as my focus.  The thing is, I HAVE pictured our child with Cliff's dimples and my nose (and hopefully Cliff's ears).  And just as I reach for that child, he (yes, it's a boy)  disappears like a vapor.  I fear I'll never be a mother.  When I die, it won't be from diabetes or endometrial cancer.  It will be from a broken heart.
I did get an email from my niece saying that her father in law deals with infertility stuff and would like to review my labs.  I'll be getting those to him ASAP as I'm in desperate need of a second/third opinion.  I have no idea where he is or even what kind of doctor he is but maybe a plane ticket to see him will be less than $15,000.  I also have a friend in Colorado who keeps wanting me to see her doctor that helped her have her beautiful little girl, so maybe I'll look into that.  I feel like getting pregnant has become a full time job in addition to the job I have that pays.  I'm so exhausted and drained mentally, physically, emotionally. I'm probably also dehydrated with all the crying I've been doing.  I have no appetite now.  The quickest way to trigger an eating disorder is to tell someone they're too fat to achieve their dream.  The thought of eating makes me nauseous. Don't worry I am eating...just having to choke it down. 
I was so stupid to think the doctor would say anything different this time.  It was a waste of Cliff's time off work and a waste of my day and any emotional strength I may have had left. Don't know why I even bothered.

I've been asked if I've ever considered using a surrogate.  I always felt like if we were going to go thru trouble of taking my egg out of my body, mixing it with Cliff's sperm, then putting them back into a body, that body that it gets put back into may as well be mine right?  I'm not against using a surrogate (I would still have to go thru the "risky" procedure of egg retrieval), it's just not many people have offered.  I don't know how to ask..."Scuse me...do you have plans for your uterus for the next oh say 9 months?  Can I borrow it?"  I did have a friend offer years ago (not sure how serious she was) but I declined at the time.  I guess I hadn't reached that point yet.   When I told Cliff about her offer,  his response was "what?! ewwww"...not sure he knew at the time of what all that process would require. There's also a trust issue when it comes down to who is going to carry my baby for 9 months.  I would want someone that I know wouldn't smoke or drink, who would eat right and take care of themselves and my baby.  I'm not sure I can completely trust a stranger to carry my baby.  I would hope that I could trust someone willing to be a surrogate but quite frankly I know that I am the best carrier for my baby.
So right now I'm feeling lost...don't know what to do. I just have a hard time seeing a $17,000 procedure as an option :o/

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Happy New Year

Well, here we are.  2011 is history and we face 2012 filled with hopes and dreams.  If you are a regular reader of this blog you know exactly what MY hopes and dreams for the year are.
On December 27th I had another rough night.  I could feel the changes in my body that could only mean one thing...our third IUI didn't work.  I was heartbroken and couldn't contain the emotion as I cried myself to sleep yet again.  On the 29th I knew for sure that our last attempt was unsuccessful.  Thankfully due to my previous breakdown I was able to maintain my composure at work that day. I only teared up if I was left alone too long and had opportunity to think about my situation.  I'm thankful for my two coworkers who had me laughing for most of the day though.  I contacted Dr Su to ask for the referral to see a reproductive endocrinologist at Seattle Reproductive Medicine.  This is the same doctor that I'd seen before that told me to have gastric bypass, lose 100 lbs and then come back to see him.  I am hoping that going in to this with a different frame of mind than I had before will be to my benefit.  Last time I went in with the money to have IVF (in-vitro fertilization-where they take the eggs out of your body, mix them with the sperm, create embryos in a petri dish, grow them for a little bit then put them back into your body).  The doctor said "You probably don't need IVF.  We just need to make you ovulate.  Take the money you would've paid for IVF, have gastric bypass, lose 100lbs then come back".  What I heard was "I don't want to help you because you are fat".  Well I didn't have the surgery because I knew that it would not benefit me at all to have the surgery if I wasn't going to change the way I ate.  Why spend the money and time on recovery if all I needed was a little lifestyle change.   So I slowly made changes to the way I ate and last year lost 40 of the 100lbs.  That was just diet changes... no exercise.  The important thing to note is that I kept it off (with the exception of the "Holiday 3" that I gained back).  Those should drop off quickly now that I'm out of egg nog and blondie brownies.  This year I'm hoping to get over my "I hate to exercise" thing and lose the other 60lbs.  My goal is to lose at least another 5lbs prior to my appointment on the 24th of this month.  I am thankful for my job which provides amazing health insurance.  Even though most insurances wont cover anything to do with infertility, my employer provides some coverage.  My office visits as well as any labs and xrays done are covered!
Oh, I did finally get a hold of the other acupuncturist that I had to see while Dr Woon was on vacation.  I saw her a couple of times after the last IUI.  She was a little....different.  She took my pulse and said that "it told her" I was/am anemic.  She suspects an absorption problem since I am currently taking prenatal vitamins and should be getting enough iron.  However thanks to the power of suggestion I've been feeling fatigued ever since.  That is another thing to discuss with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) Dr Dudley, when I see him.
So that's the update on me.  I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions just because I never follow thru but this year I made one.  Last Christmas will be my last childless Christmas.  I am hopeful that I will either get pregnant or we will be adopting this year.  I fully intend to be a mom soon.
Now switching topics...I hate to see an injustice being committed and no one standing up to right that wrong.  That's why I am so proud of my cousin Jake's wife, Ashley.  You see, their son is autistic.  They were looking at the possibility of getting a service dog to aid in keeping their son focused at school and safe from possible wandering, as children with autism often do.  After a selection process, they were told by Animals for Autism that they were selected to receive a service dog for free because of a grant made by Pepsi.  Long story short...scam.  (To read more details see her blog Stinkerbabies)  I encourage you to follow the story because it's just getting good....making the news circuit and now the Attorney General is involved.  I'm proud of her for standing up for herself, her son and the 9 other families that have been dealing with this.  She has started off 2012 as a force to be reckoned with!  I'm hopeful that God will provide a service dog for their son.  I'm glad that Ashley and the other families are bringing to light what has happened and hope that this prevents any other families from being victims of the same/similar scams. I am sorry however that my family, or anyone's family for that matter, has had to go thru this ordeal.  Keep fighting Ashley!

Happy New Year everyone!  May ALL of our wishes and dreams come to life this year!