Friday, October 26, 2012

Roller Coaster

Today was Day 3 of our PRIDE classes.  I was feeling super emotional at the beginning for some reason, well actually through out the whole session I guess.   They say that this whole process is an emotional roller coaster.  If ever I needed an example of that, today was the day.

The session today was filled with role playing. I HATE role playing.  I am not a good actress.  I certainly am no good at ad-libbing.  Give me a script to read and I can get the job done.  Have me try to come up with scripting?? and it's gonna be a super short interaction.  Then you add in rules such as you cannot ask the "child" any questions.  O_o  Whaaaaat???  Grrrrrr...ugh I hate role playing.  You cannot possibly prepare for every way that the child in your care may react.  And no matter how you role play, you really don't know what you will say in a situation until you are IN the situation.  I guess some people find role plays valuable and see them as excellent practice or learning experiences.  I do not.  Have I mentioned that I hate role playing?

One time that was a little difficult for me was when we had to pretend that we were about 7 years old.  We had to list the things we would want to take with us if we had to suddenly leave our home.  Then we had to write a journal entry that looked back on that time as if we could not bring those things with us.  How would we feel?  Well this was relatively easy for me because I knew what I'd want to bring for the most part. Topping the list were my cabbage patch doll Melisa, my Care Bear and my Strawberry Shortcake watch. I DID have to all of a sudden (for me) leave my home when I was about 6 and my parents separated for a period of time.  Fortunately I didn't have to leave much, if anything behind.  I did suddenly have to sleep by myself, in a strange room, that echoed because there wasn't much in it.  It was strange.  It smelled different than my other home.  I couldn't just ride my bike or walk to Grandma's any more.  I guess I had never realized how difficult that time in my life was until today, how scared and sad I was. I also felt confused and guilty.  I thought it was my fault, something I'd done.   I remember telling one of my classmates at school that we couldn't live all together anymore because I squeezed the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end.  At the time that seemed like the most logical reason to me.  I had no idea what else came in to play in the situation.  This is how my little 6 year old mind interpreted the situation.  It breaks my heart to think about the children who are feeling that loneliness and sadness and maybe even guilt. I can't imagine how I would've felt as a foster child who wasn't able to bring my doll or care bear, or my mom with me...to suddenly have NONE of my things or comfort items around me.  Anyhow that particular exercise brought up emotions I wasn't expecting to have to deal with today...emotions I wasn't even aware still existed but evidently they do.

To close on a high note, we'll back up to the beginning of the class... the pastor started off our session with prayer. As he prayed "Father God, please be with these moms and dads..." *Tamra starts crying* He just called me MOM. I was totally not expecting that kind of reaction. He wasn't a friend or family member trying to give me a pep talk or sooth my broken heart. I've waited for so long to be recognized as a mom. I just don't even have the words for the sheer joy that just hearing the word "mom" brought to me. I am a mom...I am a mom...I am a mom! You may think "No you aren't...you don't have a kid yet" I am just as much a mom as a woman who is pregnant. Somewhere in the world tonight is a baby out there, who may just be conceived or maybe just born, who will come in to my home needing all the love, safety, and comfort I have to give. I am a mom, just waiting for my child.

I am a mom :)

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Sorry...I've Been Busy

Sorry, it's been a while since my last blog.  We've been super busy!  We began our PRIDE classes on Oct 12th and 13th.  We've had our physicals and TB tests.  All of our animals have been to the vet and are licensed.  99.9999% of our paperwork is done.  We just have a couple of stragglers that need to be finished up and still need to take our CPR/First Aid/Blood born pathogen class on Nov 3rd.

On October 15th I had something monumental happen.  I ordered a crib!!  I literally cried after I pressed 'ENTER' on the keyboard.  It may not seem like that big of a deal to any one else but I have waited a LONG time to do that.  I've always been the one to help host baby showers.  I'm always shopping for everyone else's baby showers, always wondering when it would be my turn.  One of my friends is wanting to throw a shower for me and it feels SO weird to me.  For one there's the fact that it just seems like such a foreign concept to me. And secondly, our situation is a little different.  We'll be doing "foster-to-adopt".  We're working with a place where the primary focus is foster care.  We have no idea of who our first foster child might be.  What age?  What gender? It is my hope that we get a young infant but that may not happen.  My Grandma had offered to buy our crib.  In order to show her the one I'd chosen I went online at Babies R US and put together a wishlist.  (Kind of like a baby registry without having to have a birth date.)  Before I knew it I was "Oh look a diaper bag...oh look at that blanket...ooooooohh a wipee warmer!"  Because I want a newborn of course my "wishes" all gravitated towards newborn/infant care/needs.  I had so much fun putting that list together...another thing I've waited a long time to do.  Anyhow, that being said...do you throw showers for foster parents?? I mean, yes there are things we'll need when a child is placed with us.  There are things I would like to have on hand in case of a late night child placement with us, rather than having to make a midnight run to Walmart.  It just feels weird for it to be MY shower....surreal.  I keep waiting to wake up.  Everything's gone so smooth up to this point.  I don't know if that's a sign of things to come or if God's giving me a break with this process because it's going to get difficult and I'll need the strength later on.

Well I guess not everything's going smoothly...There are MAJOR changes coming soon at my job.  Layoffs and "restructuring".  With these changes it looks like if I want to stay as a part time employee I will have to change departments/shifts.  If I want to stay in the department that I've been in for 13 years, I'll have to go back to working full time.  I'm REALLY struggling with the decision.  I LOVE working part time.  I feel like I worked a long time towards getting a part time position, like it was my reward for hanging in there.  I loved being able to spend my days off with my niece.  God allowed me that.  Now as I'm "expecting" our foster children, I may have to go to full time?? Just doesn't seem fair.  I flip flop back and forth between "I love being part time" and "what is an extra 10 hours a week anyway".  I hate that we'll finally have children in our home and I may have to put them in daycare?  What's the point of being a foster mom if someone else is going to be raising the children for more than 8 hours per day??  Maybe it's God way of providing...maybe I'll work full time for a year, be able to pay off the credit card, while we have foster children.  Maybe after that is when a "legally free/adoptable" child becomes available and after everything's paid off I can quit altogether??  Your prayers as we make this decision would be greatly appreciated.

There's some cleaning, organizing and painting to be done then comes the homestudy!  Your prayers for that would be appreciated too ;)

Thanks again to everyone for all of your support and encouragement.  We greatly appreciate it!