God Knew Better

When my niece was born last year I thought it was just happy coincidence that our birthdays were so close together. What better gift than a new niece for your birthday. I would've been happy with a pony but a new niece?!?!?! C'mon! That's like THE best gift ever! Now, a year later, I'm convinced she is part of God's perfect plan.

This birthday for me marked the big 3-6. You know... the day the fertility died (if it ever lived). The day that according to doctors, if I hadn't gotten pregnant by I never would. At times, all I could hear was that music of doom that they always have in the movies. It could've been super depressing. Instead it wasn't too shabby. My coworkers treated me to a card, cake and decorations. My husband took me to a lovely dinner at a restaurant that serves delicious Argentinian cuisine. Then we went to my favorite craft store. I only got a little sad as I sat on my yard swing in the cool evening breeze and had a moment to think about the day and what it could mean for my future.
It didn't last long. I had things to do. I was making my niece's birthday cake. She was having a "Sweet as can Bee" birthday party. I had to get my creative juices flowing and figure out what design I wanted to do. This is how it turned out. :)

You see, God knew that I would need a distraction on my 36th birthday. That's why she was born the day after I turned 35. It all makes perfect sense to me now! Instead of me having a pity party, we were celebrating her first year. It was a year full of the usual milestones...that moment when she joined our family, the first smile, rolling over for the first time, first foods, the first crawl, then about 2 weeks later (it seemed) the first steps and our personal favorite, dancing. I'm so very blessed to have such a close relationship with her and her parents and I've been around to see some of those firsts. When I thought that I would have nothing to celebrate when I turned 36, God knew better. And what better reason to celebrate than a new life, just beginning, full of joy, innocence and beauty. In that, I was able to see beauty in my life.

Looking forward to many more birthdays together!

This Is A Nightmare...This Is Only A Nightmare

A frightening look inside my obviously warped mind...

When I was a little girl about 6 years old, my parents separated.  We moved out and for the first time I had my own room.  This was going to be GREAT! or so I thought.  I became terrified of my room.  I would flip the light switch and try to make it to my bed before the room became dark. My night light would cast long, ominous shadows against the wall and ceiling, scaring me to death. Finally I just moved my bed to right under the light switch.  I began having nightmares nearly every night.  Either me or my little 1st grade boyfriend, Bobby, or someone else I loved was being attacked by Dracula behind one of my grandparents barns.  I still don't venture behind that barn...and at the ripe old age of 36 (almost) I still do not watch vampire movies, aside from Twilight.  I've always believed that there is some sort of meaning to our dreams.  I sit and analyze them any time I have a dream or nightmare.  As I grew older I came to believe that the vampire dreams symbolized that my parents marriage was sucking the life out of me. lol...but really.
Last night, I had the most graphic, horrific nightmare I've had since I was 6.  This is the nightmare...

*read at your own risk- not for the squeamish*
Again...this is just a nightmare...

"I'm sitting on my couch feasting ravenously on some sort of meat.  I'm oblivious to all that is around me.  I startle to reality and realize that I'm devouring the head of a pre-term human infant. I'm instantly mortified by my actions.  I begin screaming and throw the head across the room, trying to get as far away from it as I can.  Still screaming my parents and my brother come in to see what is wrong.  I'm covered in blood and cannot be consoled.  My Dad and brother instantly begin to try to cover up my actions as they begin to dispose of the head.  My mother sits next to me on the couch and tries to comfort me but still I'm screaming.  I become nauseated, realizing what I've done and begin vomiting. In trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing, we determine that the baby is one that was the subject of an abortion that my mother performed in 1971.  As my family sits around trying to support and comfort me, I'm still sick to my stomach and shaking"

Then I wake up.  I'm still shaking and feeling horribly nauseated.  I cannot get the graphic images out of my head.  And then I begin struggling to find the meaning of the nightmare...surely there's got to be a reason my sick, twisted little subconscious decided to bestow these mental images upon me.

Fact 1) I am not a cannibal
Fact 2) No one in my family has ever had to conceal a crime that I've committed
Fact 3) My mother (to my knowledge) was not performing abortions in her early teens or any time before or after that for that matter.
Fact 4) My family has always been there to support and comfort me
Fact 5) I blame NO ONE for my PCOS...crap happens

My Interpretation:  The death of the infant is symbolic of my fertility.  As the doctors seem to think, I've eaten my way in to never having a baby.  I've been told repeatedly that if I don't lose weight and get pregnant by the age of 36 (in 4 days) then I never will.  While my family has always been a support for me, I've done this to myself.  My subconscious blames my mom since it is likely from her family line that I've gotten the PCOS gene.  I have no idea of the significance of the year 1971.  It was the year my husband was conceived...maybe it symbolizes his fertility dying as well??

Crap, I don't know.  I just know that I woke with the WORST feeling ever...sick, profoundly sad and heartbroken...looking for reasons why...

Hopefully y'all don't think I'm crazy since I cant control my subconscious.  this has seriously made me sick all day. Is it the anxiety of turning 36 in a few days?  I just don't know.  I pray to God that this awful nightmare doesn't repeat itself and I can actually get a restful sleep tonight.