Happy Mother's Day Indeed!

On Sunday, May 12, 2013, I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day.  I'm still overwhelmed by God's goodness. 
The day started off a little rough.  Sweet Pea had a lot of congestion (STILL) and cough going on and was having a difficult time breathing.  The night before,  she and I sat in the bathroom with the shower steaming away until we were both sweating and our hair frizzed out.  She thought it was great fun to sit on the edge of the tub playing with the shower curtain while I sweated my butt off sitting on the floor holding her.  After a night filled with a steamy bathroom, breathing treatments, bulb suctioning and rocking, she actually slept fairly well.  I on the other hand only got about 2 hours of sleep.  We ran out of albuterol and Cliff woke up about the time she was due for another treatment.  I handed off the baby and ran to the drugstore to get a refill.  Given the night we had, I wasn't sure we'd make it to church.  Baby was feeling better but momma was dragggggggggiiiiiiiiinnnngggg! (Did I mention that I've been sick with a cold all week?) I did NOT want to miss my first mother's day activities!  My mom was coming to church with us.  We had a BBQ at my brother's house afterwards.  I decided NOTHING was going to keep me from experiencing everything about the day.  I didn't want to miss a thing. 
We made it to church!  My favorite hymn is "Because He Lives".  I've loved that song for years.  Going through all of our infertility stuff and the depression and hardships that came along with it, I wondered how I would be able to face another day.  I can face tomorrow, because HE lives.  Because He lives, all fear is gone.  I often cried (like every....single....time) on the second verse of that song..."How sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy he gives".  I was always saddened and fearful that I would never know that feeling.  On Sunday, as I stood in church,  holding my little girl in her pretty purple dress, we began singing that song.  I made it through the first verse but come the second verse?  Wait!  What is that?? Oh yes here comes the ugly cry!  I stood there holding my "newborn" baby, smelling that heavenly baby smell, feeling all the pride and joy in the world...something I never thought I'd get the chance to experience and i began sobbing.  I couldn't believe that everything I'd gone through had finally lead to this moment.  I never gave up and God was gracious to bless us with this beautiful little girl. 
After church we headed to my brother's house and got to spend the day with beloved family and friends.  I loved seeing my little niece so attentive to the baby.  She would hold the bottle, cover the baby up with her blanket,  bounce her in the bouncy seat, pat the top of her head.  She's so fascinated by her.   I think she's ready to be a big sister ;)
We went home and I was exhausted.  I sat in the recliner while Daddy took care of baby for a bit, catching up on all of the well wishes, texts, facebook posts and cards I'd received throughout the day.  I sat drinking from my saucer because my cup had overflowed.

-Drinking From My Saucer-

I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow
And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Haven't got a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough
But I've got loving ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.
I thank God for his blessings,
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe,
about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage,
When the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy,
to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

30 Minutes Of Wonderful

I love being a mom.  If we're FB friends, you probably think that I think that I'm the only one on God's green earth to ever become a mom.  *shrugs* Guess I don't really care about that ;)  After waiting for so long, everything about it is monumental to me.  Every diaper change and feeding is a HUUUUUUGE deal to me.  With Mother's Day approaching, for the first time in my life I'm not dreading it.  I'm not excluded this year.  I can't wait to celebrate.  It could be my last and I'm going to soak up every second.  I keep flip flopping between emotions.  I'm struggling with "Yay, I'm a mom and have a gorgeous daughter" and then I remember she's someone else's daughter who just needed a home for the time being.  She will likely be back with her family just in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I love her fiercely but at the same time I tell myself not to get too attached (TOO LATE!)  because we won't get to keep her.  I feel completely devoted to her but at the same time I feel somewhat detached from her, like I can't claim her as mine.  Like maybe I'm not really a mom, I'm just borrowing her.  Like maybe I shouldn't be celebrating Mother's Day this year after all.  Then I think so what!  I've always said one of my favorite quotes is "I'd rather have 30 minutes of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special".  She's my 30 minutes (or 6-9 months as it were) of wonderful and I'm going to treasure every single moment I have with her. 

We've had her in daycare for almost 2 weeks now.  I seriously wanted to just quit my job because 1) I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom and 2) if you knew your time with someone was limited, if you knew that after a certain date you would never see them again, would you keep "wasting" 8 hours of your day at work?!  I have the luxury of knowing my time with her is limited.  I want to spend every second of my day with her.  I catch myself speeding to pick her up from daycare.  I can imagine the look on the officer's face if/when I get pulled over... "But officer you don't understand!  My baby is in daycare and I HAVE to get to her!"  Think that will fly? No? Fine...be that way

Cliff and I have already decided that we will likely not do a straight foster care situation again. God, of course could have other plans for us (He usually does) but this is what we've decided.  Within a day we were already bonding with her.  I know it will kill both of us when we have to give her to her forever home.  I've heard Cliff talking to her about paying for schooling and her wedding.  I know I don't have to remind him that we won't be responsible for any of that.  It is quite likely that we won't even see her for her first birthday.  I can only imagine how it will affect us when she leaves.  I've mourned a thousand times for the child I didn't have.  How much more painful will it be when I lose the one I did have?   I struggle with that decision to not do straight foster care because I know there are so many kiddos in foster care who need the kind of home we can provide while they are facing a difficult situation.  Each time a child leaves will rip our hearts out.  I'm really not sure how much of that my heart could take. 

Another thing weighing on me is being sensitive to my friends who are still waiting for their chance to be a mom.  It hasn't been that long since I was the "only" one waiting and people were obnoxiously talking about their baby and whatever cute thing they did today.  Now I'm that obnoxious person :/  I have friends who will struggle this weekend as they mourn for the child they've not been able to have or the one they did have who has gone to Heaven.  My heart hurts for them.  I 'm blessed to be able to hug my baby girl tonight and certainly do not take that for granted.  She's such a blessing....My 30 minutes of wonderful.