I love being a mom. If we're FB friends, you probably think that I think that I'm the only one on God's green earth to ever become a mom. *shrugs* Guess I don't really care about that ;) After waiting for so long, everything about it is monumental to me. Every diaper change and feeding is a HUUUUUUGE deal to me. With Mother's Day approaching, for the first time in my life I'm not dreading it. I'm not excluded this year. I can't wait to celebrate. It could be my last and I'm going to soak up every second. I keep flip flopping between emotions. I'm struggling with "Yay, I'm a mom and have a gorgeous daughter" and then I remember she's someone else's daughter who just needed a home for the time being. She will likely be back with her family just in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love her fiercely but at the same time I tell myself not to get too attached (TOO LATE!) because we won't get to keep her. I feel completely devoted to her but at the same time I feel somewhat detached from her, like I can't claim her as mine. Like maybe I'm not really a mom, I'm just borrowing her. Like maybe I shouldn't be celebrating Mother's Day this year after all. Then I think so what! I've always said one of my favorite quotes is "I'd rather have 30 minutes of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special". She's my 30 minutes (or 6-9 months as it were) of wonderful and I'm going to treasure every single moment I have with her.
We've had her in daycare for almost 2 weeks now. I seriously wanted to just quit my job because 1) I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom and 2) if you knew your time with someone was limited, if you knew that after a certain date you would never see them again, would you keep "wasting" 8 hours of your day at work?! I have the luxury of knowing my time with her is limited. I want to spend every second of my day with her. I catch myself speeding to pick her up from daycare. I can imagine the look on the officer's face if/when I get pulled over... "But officer you don't understand! My baby is in daycare and I HAVE to get to her!" Think that will fly? No? Fine...be that way
Cliff and I have already decided that we will likely not do a straight foster care situation again. God, of course could have other plans for us (He usually does) but this is what we've decided. Within a day we were already bonding with her. I know it will kill both of us when we have to give her to her forever home. I've heard Cliff talking to her about paying for schooling and her wedding. I know I don't have to remind him that we won't be responsible for any of that. It is quite likely that we won't even see her for her first birthday. I can only imagine how it will affect us when she leaves. I've mourned a thousand times for the child I didn't have. How much more painful will it be when I lose the one I did have? I struggle with that decision to not do straight foster care because I know there are so many kiddos in foster care who need the kind of home we can provide while they are facing a difficult situation. Each time a child leaves will rip our hearts out. I'm really not sure how much of that my heart could take.
Another thing weighing on me is being sensitive to my friends who are still waiting for their chance to be a mom. It hasn't been that long since I was the "only" one waiting and people were obnoxiously talking about their baby and whatever cute thing they did today. Now I'm that obnoxious person :/ I have friends who will struggle this weekend as they mourn for the child they've not been able to have or the one they did have who has gone to Heaven. My heart hurts for them. I 'm blessed to be able to hug my baby girl tonight and certainly do not take that for granted. She's such a blessing....My 30 minutes of wonderful.