Our Infertility Adoption Story- There's No Such Thing As An Unwanted Child or Pregnancy

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Who I Was Born To Be

Motherhood Day #15-

Geez...has it really only been 15 days?!?! lol

I confess it has been a trying time.  It has nothing to do with the baby and yet everything to do with her.  
When I was a little girl I always mothered my dolls.  There are pictures of me as a very young girl, with my doll zipped up next to me in my coat to stay warm.  I remember when Hurricane Elena came through Florida.  We were packing up to go to my Grandparents house (because they had the "more stable" mobile home ;)).  Mom told me to go pack a bag and I came back with a huge bag filled with everything my Cabbage Patch doll could possibly need for the next day or so.  Mom said "That's nice Tami...now why don't you go get a few clothes for yourself".  I've been practicing being a mom for as long as I can remember.  Problem is, my dolls didn't come with seizure meds or nebulizers, or frequent doctor appointments.  Sweet Pea has been quite sick since we gained custody of her.  She's been sleeping sitting up in the bouncy seat in our bedroom because of her congestion and cough.  She coughs so hard that she chokes, gags, and throws up a bunch of mucus. (for those novice parents like myself, apparently that is completely normal and pretty much the only way a baby can get rid of mucus since they don't know how to cough it out or blow their nose)  On day number 7 we had our first trip to urgent care.  When she was returned home after visiting her parents, the worker reported that the parents were concerned that she felt feverish.  When I held her I also thought she felt warm and immediately called the after hours nurse.  I gave them a brief history and they wanted us to bring her in.  We went to the clinic and were seen rather quickly.  She did have a little bit of a fever and was having some difficulty breathing.  They set us up to do a breathing treatment and then left the room.  I promptly started crying.  Here was this precious, sweet girl, struggling to breathe, coughing so hard she vomits, gagging and I was completely helpless.  There was nothing I could do to help her.  I wanted to breathe for her.  The nurse came in, saw I was crying and asked if I was ok.  They were so kind.  They knew I'm a new mom and gave us reassurance that she was ok.  We've had follow ups every few days because she's just not getting any better.  She had an xray today to check to see if she had pneumonia which thank goodness she doesn't.  She's such an amazing baby and is happy most of the time, but you can still tell she doesn't feel good.  We just want her to be healthy and not have to worry!  I guess that makes us parents huh...

I'm REALLY struggling with when to go back to work.  I feel so guilty being gone but I've waited a hell of a long time to be a mom and why should I rush back to work!?  Being a mom?...THIS is what I was put here on this earth for.  THIS feels perfect, sick baby, poopy diapers and all.  I'm FINALLY who I was born to be.  My job allows 2 weeks of bonding time for a newly placed foster child.  What a joke!  Don't get me wrong...I'm SO grateful for the time I've had off but seriously...2 weeks is barely enough time to get things in order much less have time to "bond" with your child.  My time has been filled with WIC appointments, doctors appointments, visits with Social workers, case workers, and Early Childhood development providers.  Added to that, we have to be available certain times for her visits with her family.  Now I'm supposed to juggle all of that and work full time as well.  What the hell was I thinking!?  The thing is...I don't WANT to work outside of my home.  All of my life I've wanted to be a stay at home mom.  That desire only grew stronger the longer it took for us to have a baby.  I've waited all of my life for this.  I don't want to put my child in daycare for someone else to raise.  That's my job! (Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to working moms.  I know some situations demand that mom works outside of the home)  I've missed out on pregnancy and childbirth.  I don't want to miss out on first words or first steps.
Sweet Pea's social worker recommended a daycare for us.  They are the only one I can find that has an opening for an infant and they are nowhere near conveniently located.  Which poses the next problem.  The person who picks her up for her family visits is not able to because of the daycare's location.
I can take up to 12 weeks of FMLA leave.  She's been so sick I didn't want to use it all in the first little bit that she's with us.  What if she needs me later in the year?!  The thing is...she needs me now...

Maybe I just needed to see all of this typed out...to decide what to do.

Even though this is not how I imagined my life, how I would become a mom.  I am a mom.  It sounds funny to me...foreign almost.  I go to doctors appointments and they ask "Your relation to the patient?" I am her mom.
Tonight I held my sweet little girl in my arms as she drifted off to sleep.  I assured her, it was ok to fall asleep.  She's safe, warm, and loved.  Most definitely loved

After I posted this blog my mom posted this pic on her FB...Me with my doll, and of course her diaper bag...

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