Picture This

It's 10:30pm. I'm sick, sitting holding my also sick, almost 10 month old baby girl. I am tired and feverish.  Her fever has broken and she has clearly gained her second wind.  I'm rocking her trying to get her to go to sleep, to no avail.  She looks at me, starts wiggling and making her silly faces. I start to get frustrated and she calms for a moment.  She gives a little giggle, a smile and gently touching my cheek, looks me in the face and says in the sweetest voice I have ever heard, "mom-mom"....and I start to cry. Not just the gentle, sweet single tear but full on boohoo sobbing.  I waited so very long for someone to call me that. Was she trying to manipulate me so I wouldnt put her down? Eh, maybe.  I don't care!  As frustrating as bedtime has recently become, I would not trade it for anything.
I know that all too soon, unless God intervenes, she will return to her birth family.   At this point, everything is on track for that to happen.  Her family visits have recently increased to 2 4-hour visits per week.  The first day she was gone that long I sat and cried for most of that time.  The house was so extremely quiet without her here.  I don't want to know what that is like on a long term basis.
I know that once she leaves there will be another child who needs us.  Sadly there is a foster care crisis and there are nowhere near enough homes for the children in the system.  I wondered if it would be different if we only took short term placements.  Can I love them enough and show them God's love without falling in love with them?? The less time they're with us is good right? We wont have time to fall in love with them.  I talked to Cliff and asked what he thought.  He said thay we are all or nothing people. We wont be able to help but fall in love with a child put into our care, the instant they are placed in our arms. If becoming a foster parent has taught me anything it's that you can not effectively parent a child without loving them completely.  There's a few other things this experience has taught me but that is a blog for another day.
I love this little girl completely. I would love to be able to parent her until my dying day. I don't know if that will happen. What I do know is that we are living each day in the moment. I dont know exactly how long she'll be with us.  I'm hesitant to plan a birthday party for her because I dont know if we'll be able to celebrate with her. I dont know if we'll be able to be involved with her after she goes back to her birth family. She may never know she was in foster care and most likely will not remember us.
I really do not want to spend the rest of our time together crying and lamenting (although that may happen).  So today, we'll celebrate and love like it's our last day together...and if we're blessed, we'll wake up and do it again tomorrow.