Lost And Found

Hi....Remember me?  I can't believe it's been 2 years since I wrote my last blog.  To say my last foster kiddo kept me busy would be the understatement of the decade.  We picked him up from the hospital at 6 weeks of age.  He returned to his mother 2 weeks after his 2nd birthday.  He and I went thru a lot, to say the least.....a lot of crying together, a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of gas, teething, diaper rash remedies, gut issues, some sensory issues....just a LOT of stuff. When he did sleep, so did I.  Somewhere in there I managed to still do all the usual household stuff.   The second his eyes opened, he was on the move.  He moved ALL the time, even in his sleep.  I imagine somewhere down the line he'll be diagnosed with ADHD or something along those lines.  He kept me BUSY!!  He was my most challenging kiddo (that stayed with us) and I love him with every fiber of my being.  He's been gone for almost 3 months now and I can't think about him without crying. We've been fortunate enough that his mom still lets us see him.   I struggle with if that's really what's best for him? or selfishly is it best for us?  My heart is broken. I miss him.  I mourning the loss of him. 
   During his time with us, we got a call about taking an "almost legally free" 9 month old.   The kids were 5 months apart in age.  It was really tough to have "twins" but just enough developmental difference that they weren't twins. We finally got a routine down and had our groove.  Cliff is the best partner for me on this crazy train. 
During this time, my mother in law moved in with us. Two weeks later Bud left. It's been such a challenging few months.  So many emotions from that and now, after a looooooooong year, Baby Girl is finally really legally free and we're starting the adoption process.  I'm going to FINALLY LEGALLY OFFICIALLY be a mother. 

So why do I feel so lost??  I'm finally on the path to being who I wanted to be.  Why do I feel like I've lost who I am?  I used to be compassionate.  I cared about everyone and every thing.  I feel like foster care has ruined the person I used to be.  I'm angry.  I'm depressed.  I'm sad.  I'm severely short tempered.  That's not who I usually am.   Is it possible to lose yourself and find yourself at the same time??   This is not the mom I want to be.  This is not the mommy my daughter deserves.   She deserves a mom who has not been jaded by the system.  She deserves the mom I was 5 years ago.  The one who was excited about the future, not the one who is terrified of it.  I hate that we missed so much of her first year.  I hate that I didn't get to bring her home from the hospital.   I hate that I have all this baby stuff to get rid of that I never got to use for MY baby.  I hate that I'll never have a baby shower with the tiny pink frills and bows. I hate that I lost a year of my daughter's life because of foster care....but then, that's what brought her to us.  I feel like I've lost my nurturing self.  All the kids I've nurtured for the last nearly 5 years have been taken away, so what's the point?...she thought selfishly.  I feel like such a different person than I used to be and not for the better.  How can I love my daughter to the full extent she deserves when I'm so brokenhearted?  Will my heart ever get back to what I used to be?  In years past, I fell in love so easily.  I've written about how holding my best friend's firstborn son, showed me I could instantly love a child I didn't give birth to.  I was so sure I could adopt and love a child I didn't carry.  I instantly fell in love with SweetPea and Bud (the baby boy referenced earlier).  Why am I having such a difficult time falling in love with the child who is supposed to be mine forever?  I'm sure much of it has to do with all the delays we experienced with her case this year. I know I was guarding my heart against heartache, since nothing was for sure and we'd just lost the little guy who had been with us for so long.  And then there's the fact that she's so much like me....I'm like "well crap, better start saving now for therapy".  She deserves a mom who isn't so sad and heartbroken.  I want to be excited about her adoption, rather than scared.  I want so desperately to enjoy the holidays with this child who will be ours.   I want to feel that joy of being able to announce we're officially parents. Can joy come from a broken heart?  I want to get back to who I used to be....but still be who I am. Is that possible??