A Fork in the Road

Oh man...SO many thoughts in my head I don't know where to begin.  Forgive me but I'm almost guaranteed to ramble and my thoughts probably won't flow very well in this post.

Ok so here I am on cycle day??? Probably into the 50's by now.  Frankly I stopped counting.  Had a doctor's appointment today and...wait...I'm getting ahead of myself.

You know how you're driving and you know there's more than one route to take to your destination but you're so used to going the same way that you think "Maybe today I'll take a different route" but then you find yourself following the same worn path that you've always trod along?  Or you're happily driving along and all of a sudden somebody holler's out from the passenger seat "TURN RIGHT NOW!"?

I remember when Travis and I were kids we used to drive the little John Deere lawnmower around like a go-cart.  Yes we're rednecks. We had a lot of land in the back of our property that had little paths that had been cleared. We loved riding our bikes and the John Deere on these paths...our own little adventures on our own private little roads.  One day it was my turn to drive but I wanted Trav to enjoy the ride too.  I was taking one path when we came to a fork in the "road".  Without slowing down at all (oh yeah I had that baby in 5th gear!) I asked Travis "which way do you want to go?"  Before I knew it he was saying the opposite of the direction I was heading!  I tried to turn but you know that John Deere doesn't have a very good turning radius and BAM! right into a tree.  Sure it was a small tree but a tree's a tree ya know?!  If I remember correctly it was small enough that we just went right over it, but it sure was a bumpy ride.  (Promise this will makes sense later...)

So this weekend my mom is telling me about two babies who are part of a set of triplets that the mother has basically abandoned.  Then my mother in law tells me about a young teen who's decided to give her baby up for adoption.  I dreamed about these babies all weekend.  I KNOW I can give them the home and love they need.  I appreciate that people hear/share stories like this because they feel that I would be a good mom for these babies, but quite frankly it doesn't mean anything unless someone is putting the baby in my arms and saying "Here Tamra.  We want you to have our baby".  Without that, it's just one more instance of someone who shouldn't be having babies being able to conceive and then not knowing what to do with said baby. Did I mention that my mother in law also mentioned that she goes to church with a guy who works with a Christian foster-to-adopt program (or as Cliff affectionately refers to it, the "rent-to-own" program) and is bringing my MIL the info we need about the program?

Now jumping back to January...my amazing friend Beth has been on a very similar journey.  She's wanted a child for so long and in January she got "the call"!  Her adoption situation prompted me to ask Cliff about his thoughts.  We were sitting in one of our favorite restaurants and I asked "so would you be open to adopting?"  I promptly learned the value of "if you don't want the answer...don't ask the question".  My heart broke into a million pieces as he said that adoption was not something he wanted to pursue.  He didn't know that I had just had the "if you don't conceive by the age of 36, you never will" talk with 2 of my doctors.  Here I had no other option but to conceive.  No pressure right?  Later when I was able to compose myself I told him what the doctors had said.  This is when we forged the plan to go back to Dr Su (the doctor who had done our IUI's nearly 10 years ago), try 3 more IUI's and then we needed to explore our options if those IUI's were unsuccessful.  Now fast forward to Sunday when I was helping my mother in law with the lunch dishes and she's telling me about this teenager who wants to give her baby up for adoption.  I told her "that's nice but I don't think that's something that Cliff would want to do".  She says "Really? He sounded interested when I talked to him this past week about it"...Ummm....WHAT?!?!?!?

Here I've been happily "driving along" on my Clomid/IUI journey and all of a sudden my passenger screams out "TURN RIGHT NOW!".  I'm at a fork in the road and praying to God I don't hit a tree! (told ya it'd make sense).  All weekend long I thought about these babies and the many others that need loving homes, a loving home that I know I can provide.  Are we supposed to adopt??

I contacted  Dr Su last week to let him know that I still hadn't started a cycle and was still having quite a bit of pain in my lower abdomen. Even tho he was scheduled to be in surgery today he still worked me in.  His plan was to do an ultrasound and see where I am in my non-existent cycle and see if we could start another round of Clomid.  Cliff and I had the discussion...should we even waste the money trying Clomid/IUI's again?  Should we just save that money for the adoption process, should that be the route we take?  For those keeping track, I've been off birth control for 10 years,  done countless rounds of Clomid, and 3 IUI's to date, had numerous cycles where my body did not even respond to the Clomid.  I've never had a confirmed pregnancy  (I believe I've had two miscarriages very early into the pregnancy before I would've known I was pregnant) but with those being unconfirmed I'm going on the assumption that I've never been pregnant.  NOTHING has worked...why keep throwing money away.  So at my doctor's appointment today, Dr Su found that I have a cyst on my left ovary that is big enough that we can't do Clomid until it dissipates.  Taking Clomid while you have a cyst will just make that cyst get bigger (and more painful) without producing a follicle/egg.  This cyst and all of its little buddies would also be what was contributing to my lower abdominal pain for the last 2-3 weeks.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for tuesday morning to check the size of the cyst and see if it has shrunk and we could do another round of Clomid.  I've decided that if we're able to, this will be my last round of Clomid and Cliff and I will begin exploring the foster to adopt program.  I began crying as I told Dr Su of our plans.  As we wrapped up the appointment, the nurse saw I was crying and came into the room and shut the door.  She was so sweet.  I'd never met her before today but she asked if I was ok and asked if I needed a hug.  She seemed sincere and not condescending and honestly at that moment I DID need a hug.  So yes, I hugged a complete stranger and i sobbed "it's just SO frustrating!" She says "I know.  But you seem like you'll be a very loving mother if you chose to adopt.  Any baby is lucky to have you". Now I'd known this lady for all of 5 minutes so whether she could tell all that or if she was just trying to make me feel better I don't know. While talking to her I realized I have to come to terms with never having a biological child.  I'll never feel the little kicks, feet in my lungs or bladder or the little hiccups.  I'll never get to wear the cute little maternity clothes.  I'll never get to experience childbirth.  Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking "You're not missing anything"  but the truth is... I am.  I want all of these things!  Few things irritate me more than hearing someone gripe about how uncomfortable their pregnancy is.  I want to shake them and scream "SHUT UP!  At least you're pregnant!".  Please pray for me as I deal with this as I'm having a very hard time accepting that I will likely never give birth to a child.  I know it won't make me any less of a mother but it's part of the process that I will truly miss.

Please keep us in your prayers as we explore the foster to adopt program.  Please pray that we don't run into any "trees" and if we do, that they are small enough we can just go right over them.  Please pray that I can endure the bumpy ride. I'm scared of so many things.  What if a child is placed in my home and then it has to go back to its family?  What if we can't afford this process?  What if we aren't picked to care for a child?  What if I'm not good enough?

See I told you it would be a rambling scatter brained post!  No wonder I've had so many nights of insomnia.  I can't get my brain to shut down and rest. Prayers for a good night's sleep would be greatly appreciated too ;)

Gray Skies and Sunshine

UGH!  I HATE this "syndrome"!!  I'm so frustrated and irritated and angry!  I'm on cycle day...crap I've lost count...like day 40-something.  Still waiting.  I HATE that pattern of not having a pattern!  I wait 2 weeks +/- to see if I'm ovulating.  Then I wait 2 weeks +/- to start a period.  Usually there's more plus than minus :/ so I wait....and wait....and wait...  Every month that nothing happens I feel more and more betrayed by my body.  Why is it so hard!? Why can't I have cycles like "normal" people?  I know many of you relish the idea of not having to deal with your monthly period but I would give anything to have a normal-every 28 days type of period!

My weight is still fluctuating as usual.  I'm finding it harder and harder to avoid the starchy carbs because I'm getting that frustration of "nothing's working" so why bother.  It gets so frustrating to see the scale yo-yo like that and everyone's got all sorts of helpful advice but sometimes I just get tired of hearing it. I know what I should do and what's "supposed" to happen but....*sigh I'm just frustrated :(

In addition to the betrayal and frustration there is the anger.  Anger at God for making my body this way.  Why did He give me such a desire to be a mom and then take away my ability to conceive!?  Why does it seem like EVERYONE around me is pregnant?!  Why do I constantly see in the news, stories of women (I refuse to call them mothers) who are blessed enough to have children and then abuse or murder them.  Just today I saw two separate stories...One woman gave birth to twin boys and then killed them both so her family wouldn't find out she'd been pregnant.  Another a stepmother killed then dismembered her daughter.  Seriously?!?!?  These are the people that God allows to get pregnant or "acquire" a child by marriage?

I'm so tired of constantly feeling like my ovaries are going to explode!  For the last 1-2 weeks my right side is causing so much discomfort.  Again feeling like "well it's not doing what it's supposed to so why bother".  Part of me wishes I could just get them taken out.  What's it gonna do? send me into early menopause? Isn't that basically what I'm in already?  It's not like they're producing the hormones that they're supposed to anyways.  What's the point?!

One of my co-workers also has PCOS so we've been comparing our woes this week.  She had a doctor's appointment this week and one option that was discussed was "ovarian drilling".  My understanding of that procedure is they destroy part of the ovary which allows the rest of the ovary to produce follicles and thereby ovulate.  Imagine the difference in a bubble wand that has a lot of little holes versus one that has just one hole.  You can either make a lot of little bubbles with one or one big bubble with the other.  Kinda the same principle.  My fear with this is what if they destroy the only working part of my ovary?!? Then what? Damned if I do...damned if I don't!  I'm just so very tired of things not working the way they are supposed to.  Every day that I don't have a period is one more day lost in my "fertility decreases dramatically at the age of 36" time frame.  Every cycle that I don't ovulate means that I have to wait at least 2 weeks if not more for another cycle to start.  Then if I don't start one that means contacting the doctor, getting meds, taking the meds, then waiting for the effects of the meds...meanwhile TICK TOCK TICK TOCK!!

This is all why it's been so long since my last post.  There's really not been anything to report.

My saving grace lately has been my beautiful little niece.  We celebrated her one month birthday last week.  Time's going by so quickly.  I love holding her and looking into that beautiful little face with her gorgeous little dimples.  I smile and tell her "auntie loves you soooooooo much!" and she's getting to the point where she's almost smiling back at me now.  I picture her in a couple of years with little pig-tails running to me screaming "Auntie Tamra!!!!!!"  She's the sunshine in my life right now.  I try to sing "You are my Sunshine" (just the chorus cuz the rest of the song is really jacked up!) quietly to her but have to stop myself because I start to cry every time. I think of how truly happy she makes me when my skies are grey and God help whoever tries to take my sunshine away for they will surely pull back a bloody nub!

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away