Oh man...SO many thoughts in my head I don't know where to begin. Forgive me but I'm almost guaranteed to ramble and my thoughts probably won't flow very well in this post.
Ok so here I am on cycle day??? Probably into the 50's by now. Frankly I stopped counting. Had a doctor's appointment today and...wait...I'm getting ahead of myself.
You know how you're driving and you know there's more than one route to take to your destination but you're so used to going the same way that you think "Maybe today I'll take a different route" but then you find yourself following the same worn path that you've always trod along? Or you're happily driving along and all of a sudden somebody holler's out from the passenger seat "TURN RIGHT NOW!"?
I remember when Travis and I were kids we used to drive the little John Deere lawnmower around like a go-cart. Yes we're rednecks. We had a lot of land in the back of our property that had little paths that had been cleared. We loved riding our bikes and the John Deere on these paths...our own little adventures on our own private little roads. One day it was my turn to drive but I wanted Trav to enjoy the ride too. I was taking one path when we came to a fork in the "road". Without slowing down at all (oh yeah I had that baby in 5th gear!) I asked Travis "which way do you want to go?" Before I knew it he was saying the opposite of the direction I was heading! I tried to turn but you know that John Deere doesn't have a very good turning radius and BAM! right into a tree. Sure it was a small tree but a tree's a tree ya know?! If I remember correctly it was small enough that we just went right over it, but it sure was a bumpy ride. (Promise this will makes sense later...)
So this weekend my mom is telling me about two babies who are part of a set of triplets that the mother has basically abandoned. Then my mother in law tells me about a young teen who's decided to give her baby up for adoption. I dreamed about these babies all weekend. I KNOW I can give them the home and love they need. I appreciate that people hear/share stories like this because they feel that I would be a good mom for these babies, but quite frankly it doesn't mean anything unless someone is putting the baby in my arms and saying "Here Tamra. We want you to have our baby". Without that, it's just one more instance of someone who shouldn't be having babies being able to conceive and then not knowing what to do with said baby. Did I mention that my mother in law also mentioned that she goes to church with a guy who works with a Christian foster-to-adopt program (or as Cliff affectionately refers to it, the "rent-to-own" program) and is bringing my MIL the info we need about the program?
Now jumping back to January...my amazing friend Beth has been on a very similar journey. She's wanted a child for so long and in January she got "the call"! Her adoption situation prompted me to ask Cliff about his thoughts. We were sitting in one of our favorite restaurants and I asked "so would you be open to adopting?" I promptly learned the value of "if you don't want the answer...don't ask the question". My heart broke into a million pieces as he said that adoption was not something he wanted to pursue. He didn't know that I had just had the "if you don't conceive by the age of 36, you never will" talk with 2 of my doctors. Here I had no other option but to conceive. No pressure right? Later when I was able to compose myself I told him what the doctors had said. This is when we forged the plan to go back to Dr Su (the doctor who had done our IUI's nearly 10 years ago), try 3 more IUI's and then we needed to explore our options if those IUI's were unsuccessful. Now fast forward to Sunday when I was helping my mother in law with the lunch dishes and she's telling me about this teenager who wants to give her baby up for adoption. I told her "that's nice but I don't think that's something that Cliff would want to do". She says "Really? He sounded interested when I talked to him this past week about it"...Ummm....WHAT?!?!?!?
Here I've been happily "driving along" on my Clomid/IUI journey and all of a sudden my passenger screams out "TURN RIGHT NOW!". I'm at a fork in the road and praying to God I don't hit a tree! (told ya it'd make sense). All weekend long I thought about these babies and the many others that need loving homes, a loving home that I know I can provide. Are we supposed to adopt??
I contacted Dr Su last week to let him know that I still hadn't started a cycle and was still having quite a bit of pain in my lower abdomen. Even tho he was scheduled to be in surgery today he still worked me in. His plan was to do an ultrasound and see where I am in my non-existent cycle and see if we could start another round of Clomid. Cliff and I had the discussion...should we even waste the money trying Clomid/IUI's again? Should we just save that money for the adoption process, should that be the route we take? For those keeping track, I've been off birth control for 10 years, done countless rounds of Clomid, and 3 IUI's to date, had numerous cycles where my body did not even respond to the Clomid. I've never had a confirmed pregnancy (I believe I've had two miscarriages very early into the pregnancy before I would've known I was pregnant) but with those being unconfirmed I'm going on the assumption that I've never been pregnant. NOTHING has worked...why keep throwing money away. So at my doctor's appointment today, Dr Su found that I have a cyst on my left ovary that is big enough that we can't do Clomid until it dissipates. Taking Clomid while you have a cyst will just make that cyst get bigger (and more painful) without producing a follicle/egg. This cyst and all of its little buddies would also be what was contributing to my lower abdominal pain for the last 2-3 weeks. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tuesday morning to check the size of the cyst and see if it has shrunk and we could do another round of Clomid. I've decided that if we're able to, this will be my last round of Clomid and Cliff and I will begin exploring the foster to adopt program. I began crying as I told Dr Su of our plans. As we wrapped up the appointment, the nurse saw I was crying and came into the room and shut the door. She was so sweet. I'd never met her before today but she asked if I was ok and asked if I needed a hug. She seemed sincere and not condescending and honestly at that moment I DID need a hug. So yes, I hugged a complete stranger and i sobbed "it's just SO frustrating!" She says "I know. But you seem like you'll be a very loving mother if you chose to adopt. Any baby is lucky to have you". Now I'd known this lady for all of 5 minutes so whether she could tell all that or if she was just trying to make me feel better I don't know. While talking to her I realized I have to come to terms with never having a biological child. I'll never feel the little kicks, feet in my lungs or bladder or the little hiccups. I'll never get to wear the cute little maternity clothes. I'll never get to experience childbirth. Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking "You're not missing anything" but the truth is... I am. I want all of these things! Few things irritate me more than hearing someone gripe about how uncomfortable their pregnancy is. I want to shake them and scream "SHUT UP! At least you're pregnant!". Please pray for me as I deal with this as I'm having a very hard time accepting that I will likely never give birth to a child. I know it won't make me any less of a mother but it's part of the process that I will truly miss.
Please keep us in your prayers as we explore the foster to adopt program. Please pray that we don't run into any "trees" and if we do, that they are small enough we can just go right over them. Please pray that I can endure the bumpy ride. I'm scared of so many things. What if a child is placed in my home and then it has to go back to its family? What if we can't afford this process? What if we aren't picked to care for a child? What if I'm not good enough?
See I told you it would be a rambling scatter brained post! No wonder I've had so many nights of insomnia. I can't get my brain to shut down and rest. Prayers for a good night's sleep would be greatly appreciated too ;)