Our Infertility Adoption Story- There's No Such Thing As An Unwanted Child or Pregnancy

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Gray Skies and Sunshine

UGH!  I HATE this "syndrome"!!  I'm so frustrated and irritated and angry!  I'm on cycle day...crap I've lost count...like day 40-something.  Still waiting.  I HATE that pattern of not having a pattern!  I wait 2 weeks +/- to see if I'm ovulating.  Then I wait 2 weeks +/- to start a period.  Usually there's more plus than minus :/ so I wait....and wait....and wait...  Every month that nothing happens I feel more and more betrayed by my body.  Why is it so hard!? Why can't I have cycles like "normal" people?  I know many of you relish the idea of not having to deal with your monthly period but I would give anything to have a normal-every 28 days type of period!

My weight is still fluctuating as usual.  I'm finding it harder and harder to avoid the starchy carbs because I'm getting that frustration of "nothing's working" so why bother.  It gets so frustrating to see the scale yo-yo like that and everyone's got all sorts of helpful advice but sometimes I just get tired of hearing it. I know what I should do and what's "supposed" to happen but....*sigh I'm just frustrated :(

In addition to the betrayal and frustration there is the anger.  Anger at God for making my body this way.  Why did He give me such a desire to be a mom and then take away my ability to conceive!?  Why does it seem like EVERYONE around me is pregnant?!  Why do I constantly see in the news, stories of women (I refuse to call them mothers) who are blessed enough to have children and then abuse or murder them.  Just today I saw two separate stories...One woman gave birth to twin boys and then killed them both so her family wouldn't find out she'd been pregnant.  Another a stepmother killed then dismembered her daughter.  Seriously?!?!?  These are the people that God allows to get pregnant or "acquire" a child by marriage?

I'm so tired of constantly feeling like my ovaries are going to explode!  For the last 1-2 weeks my right side is causing so much discomfort.  Again feeling like "well it's not doing what it's supposed to so why bother".  Part of me wishes I could just get them taken out.  What's it gonna do? send me into early menopause? Isn't that basically what I'm in already?  It's not like they're producing the hormones that they're supposed to anyways.  What's the point?!

One of my co-workers also has PCOS so we've been comparing our woes this week.  She had a doctor's appointment this week and one option that was discussed was "ovarian drilling".  My understanding of that procedure is they destroy part of the ovary which allows the rest of the ovary to produce follicles and thereby ovulate.  Imagine the difference in a bubble wand that has a lot of little holes versus one that has just one hole.  You can either make a lot of little bubbles with one or one big bubble with the other.  Kinda the same principle.  My fear with this is what if they destroy the only working part of my ovary?!? Then what? Damned if I do...damned if I don't!  I'm just so very tired of things not working the way they are supposed to.  Every day that I don't have a period is one more day lost in my "fertility decreases dramatically at the age of 36" time frame.  Every cycle that I don't ovulate means that I have to wait at least 2 weeks if not more for another cycle to start.  Then if I don't start one that means contacting the doctor, getting meds, taking the meds, then waiting for the effects of the meds...meanwhile TICK TOCK TICK TOCK!!

This is all why it's been so long since my last post.  There's really not been anything to report.

My saving grace lately has been my beautiful little niece.  We celebrated her one month birthday last week.  Time's going by so quickly.  I love holding her and looking into that beautiful little face with her gorgeous little dimples.  I smile and tell her "auntie loves you soooooooo much!" and she's getting to the point where she's almost smiling back at me now.  I picture her in a couple of years with little pig-tails running to me screaming "Auntie Tamra!!!!!!"  She's the sunshine in my life right now.  I try to sing "You are my Sunshine" (just the chorus cuz the rest of the song is really jacked up!) quietly to her but have to stop myself because I start to cry every time. I think of how truly happy she makes me when my skies are grey and God help whoever tries to take my sunshine away for they will surely pull back a bloody nub!

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

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