Our Infertility Adoption Story- There's No Such Thing As An Unwanted Child or Pregnancy

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Stupid PCOS

So I had an ultrasound on Thursday to check for follicles.  I had one on each side that were pretty close to the same size but the right side was just slightly larger.  I didn't care which side or how big.  I was just excited that I had TWO!! But they weren't big enough to mean anything yet...remember they have to be at least 2cm to be productive. So Dr Su had me come in this morning (yes on a sunday again...that man is awesome!) for another ultrasound to check for growth.  Unfortunately neither follicle had grown very much and we're not able to do an IUI this cycle.  So more waiting.  In a "normal" person your body makes a hormone that tells your ovaries to produce a follicle that will produce an egg.  In a person with PCOS your body makes the same amount of that hormone (or less) but splits it up amongst all the little cysts that could be follicles.  Does that make sense?  So instead of all the hormone going to one follicle...all the little cysts share and not enough is there to produce a "mature" follicle.  So that being said I have plenty of cysts on my ovaries which cause plenty of discomfort but nothing mature enough to produce an egg.  I would love to be positive and say "well there's always next month" but Dr Su will be on vacation for a little bit next month and it is very likely that he will be out of town around the pertinent time, SO we have to wait until the NEXT cycle.
I'm really struggling lately with everything.  Nothing is going the way I want it to in my life.  My job is bugging the crap out of me.  I have a hard time going to church because I feel like... God's not paying any attention to me, why should I pay attention to Him. (I know that's not the case but that's how I feel)  The average 15 year old can get knocked up but here I'm doing everything I possibly can and cant even frikkin ovulate.  I'm so frustrated with everything and I feel the depression setting in. I dread going to work because I no longer have my ideal work situation.  My hours are being changed.  My day off is being changed.  I'm not enjoying it right now because all I want to do is be a stay at home wife and mom.  The only positives in my life this week has been the time I got to spend with my family, especially Little Quinn and the fact that I hit my "40lbs lost" mark.
I can't begin to put into words the frustration of not having any follicles.  I asked the doctor if there was another medication to try since I seem to be having a poor response to the Clomid.  His response is to increase the Clomid.  That should be fun since I'm having hellacious side effects from the dose that I'm on, much less throwing another 50mg into the mix.  In his defense I haven't told him about the side effects because I don't want him to discontinue the meds.  I can deal with the crappy side effects...if only it would make me ovulate.  What else can I do?  Is there something I can eat or not eat that would make a difference? Stand on one leg, pat my head and rub my tummy??? What???? I'll do it...Just tell me what I have to do!!!!  This is only the second cycle but I feel like I've been doing this forever and not getting any response.  I feel like it's not going to work so why bother. Maybe I should just take the money that we'd spend on another failed IUI and just put it towards IVF.  At least with IVF I would be pregnant...if only for a day or two.  In the event that the IVF failed that child would be waiting for me in heaven.  I would have been a mom for a little bit.  I would have my moment of something wonderful...instead of...this...

2 comments:

  1. IVF doesnt mean guaranteed success either, though. :(

    Does Dr Su not have a backup physician who can step in for him while he is on vacation? That doesn't seem... right, or fair.. to his patients to make them just put their life on hold while he is on vacation. Boo!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unfortunately Dr Su is the only doc at GH that is willing to do anything related to infertility. None of the other docs will do any of the stuff he does...

    ReplyDelete