Disappointment

You know, the world is FULL of disappointments.  Somewhere in the world, there is a child whose parent promised to take them to the park and didn't.  Somewhere in the world, there is someone who's received the notice that they didn't get the job they thought they were a shoe-in for.  Somewhere in the world, there's a hopeful student who finds they didn't get into the college of their choice.  Somewhere in the world there's a young wife who wants desperately to be a mom who had a negative pregnancy test, yet again.  The thing is...it doesn't matter how many times your parent has let you down, how many times you didn't get the job or how many negative pregnancy tests you've had.  Each time it happens the hurt and disappointment is just as fresh and new as if it was the first time.

You would think I would get used to the disappointment after taking so many pregnancy tests over the past 10 years.  You would think it would be easier if I expect the negative result. It's not.  There's always that split second before reading the results where you are SO hopeful that maybe THIS will be the one.  Then there's the few seconds after reading the result where you keeping looking at the stick hoping and willing a plus sign to appear.  I was SO hopeful when I woke this morning.  I got antsy about testing and couldn't resist.  I figured even if the HCG injection was still in my system that I would be able to tell if the HCG was increasing by doing a couple of tests throughout the next week.  The test I took this morning didn't even pick up the HCG injection.  It was completely negative.  My heart keeps saying "it's still early.  You haven't started a period yet.  You could still be pregnant"  My head is telling me "yeah right." 

You know how there's the theory that if you wash your car it will start to rain??  My theory is that if I pee on a stick I'll start a period.  It is SO damn frustrating.  Even if I don't carry a pregnancy to term, at this point I just want to be pregnant to know that I CAN get pregnant!  I'm not stupid. I know that it would crush me to miscarry. I'm reminded of a scene from one of my favorite movies where Julia Roberts is a diabetic telling her mom that she's pregnant.  Her mom is getting on to her for being so irresponsible by getting pregnant in her medical condition.  I forget the exact wording but Julia Roberts character says something to the effect of "I would rather have a moment of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special".  I would give anything to be pregnant for even just a little bit.  At least then I would know that I have a child waiting for me in heaven. I would give anything for a flicker of light at the end of this God forsaken tunnel. 

Yesterday Cliff and I actually had a somewhat serious discussion about baby names.  So far, our kid's first name is "well I don't hate"... as in "I don't hate the name <insert name here>".  I have a list of names as long as my arm and I would LOVE to have a child to go with each name!

One of my friends said it's not over until "aunt flo" shows up.  I will proceed this week as if I could still possibly be pregnant...until I get confirmation one way (starting a period) or another (confirmation from doctor).  If I don't start a period then it is likely that I never ovulated and we may have to adjust medications, timing etc.  My acupuncturist wants to incorporate herbs into the cycle as well which doesn't thrill me because the herbs are disgusting.  Even though the heartache, sadness and disappointment are overwhelming right now, I'm trying not to be negative just because I had a negative result this morning.  I COULD still be pregnant.  I'm only two weeks post IUI.  I tell you...if I were to have a positive test later this week you could push me over with a feather.  I seriously wouldn't know what to do.  I guess we'll just have to wait  to see what this week has in store for us. I will probably test again in a few days... not sure when tho.

Again, I really do appreciate all the prayer and support I've gotten.  I know that if all it took to have a child was the love and support of friends I'd have a bazillion kids by now.  Thank you guys :)