Our Infertility Adoption Story- There's No Such Thing As An Unwanted Child or Pregnancy

Monday, July 9, 2012

Brain Flurries

Where do I start...  My mind has been a flurry of thoughts lately, so many things to think about.

In a previous blog I'd mentioned about our cat Sam getting sick shortly after Buddy died.  Last Saturday, after an emergency trip to the Animal Hospital and a major hit to our pocketbook, we lost our "little" Sammy to cancer.  I put little in quotes because anyone who ever saw Sam knew he was no little cat. I don't even feel like I've mourned him appropriately because I still feel a numbness from losing Buddy.  It is so weird how empty our house feels with Buddy and Sam missing.  We still have the 2 Chi's and our kitty Max, but we can definitely feel a difference.   For the first time in his life, Max is an only kitty.  It's easy to see how much he misses his cuddle buddy.  There was nothing little about Sammy.  From his many nicknames to his paws, he was huge.  I remember when we took  him to the vet as a kitten and asked the doctor, "How big do you think he's gonna get?"  The vet held him up and says "well when you switch him from kitty chow to adult formula, you may wanna go straight to the low cal stuff".  She was right.  In prime condition, Sam weighed about 22lbs.  (at his death, he weighed just about 16lbs or so).  I loved his little paws.  I don't know what about them was so cute but I loved them.  He was the only cat I've ever seen that had lips...like actual lips.  When he was a kitten he had this ginormous head and ears.  He reminded me of Yoda.  That would've been his name except I got outvoted by the husband.  So anyhow we're missing our little Sama-Bama. House feels empty and now he waits with Buddy at the Rainbow Bridge.

I'd also mentioned in a previous blog about feeling the need to paint our living room  prior to having a home study.  Well in case I needed a reminder that God does answer prayer and provide, a friend gifted us with everything we need to paint the living room...from drop cloths and brushes to tape and paint...everything! Sooooo guess what I'm doing on my next day off!

I've also been thinking about our birthmom (and dad) and continue to pray for her.  I've been thinking about what I would say in our autobiographies and our letter to her.  I'm still struggling with major feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I need to really "sell" us.  I have no idea what to say, where to start, where to end...  What do you say to a birthmom?  "Thank you" just seems sooooo inadequate and "Pick Me, Pick ME!!!" just seems so desperate!

So many things to think about...all the stuff that I want to do to the house, things I want to pay off.  Do I work after a baby comes to our home? Can we afford insurance if I don't work? Can we afford daycare if I do?  I HATE the thought of waiting so long for a baby then having to put him/her in daycare just for the insurance.  Then there's the cost of the adoption, homestudies, background checks and fingerprinting etc.  Our vet bill for the last two months would've paid for the homestudy.  Can you tell I worry about money all the time?  I don't know why.  God's always provided what we needed and I know He will provide for this if this is what we're supposed to do.

Another reminder of God's grace and provision and answered prayer...One of my friends who's struggled for many years to get pregnant is currently expecting.  I've prayed harder and more fervently for her than I have for any thing else in my life.  I check in with her frequently because I'm just as freaked out,  as scared and anxious as she is.  Probably bugs the crap out of her!   If you could please keep her in your prayers I'm sure we'd both appreciate it :)

Hmmm...think that's all for now.  I'm sure I'll have more brain flurries later.

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