Since Cliff and I decided we want to adopt I've had a flurry of thoughts in my head. I've made a list of all the things I want to do before our first homestudy...clear out the spare room to make into a nursery, organize the computer room, paint the living room... I know the social worker wont care about the paint on the walls but I see 12 years of wear and I want everything to be perfect. I know I'm not the greatest housekeeper and am hoping a fresh coat of paint will help camouflage that. I know it's unreasonable to think that painting is something I HAVE to do prior to the homestudy but again...these are the thoughts in my head.
I am so excited about this process. This is the first time in our marriage that Cliff and I have really been on the same page with this. I love knowing that Cliff thinks about what we're doing. He comes home from work and asks random questions that we've never really discussed before. The other night his question was "So how do we feel about discipline?" I guess it just makes me feel better knowing that it's on his mind throughout the day too.
I printed a general "homestudy check list" from a website. I thought it would ease my mind a little to have a check list and be able to make sure I have everything in order. Instead it kind of freaked me out. Not only do I have to paint my house but I have to do all this stuff too?!?!? Commence anxiety attack in 3....2....1....
I know that we are having a HOMEstudy not a HOUSEstudy. I know the social worker is going to be paying more attention to mine and Cliff's desire for a child than to when I dusted the furniture last (thank God). It is highly improbable that the painting will be done. At this point, I would just be happy to have all the laundry washed, dried and put away (as I sit here and type away on the laptop).
I have a lot of apprehensions about the homestudy. I worry that we're too old (some agencies wont work with people over the age of 40). I worry that we wont be "good enough". I worry that once again my weight will hinder my chances of motherhood...that I'll be too "unhealthy" to adopt. I know it's silly...people older and heavier than me adopt all the time. People who put their adopted children in cages were deemed "good enough" so surely Cliff and I have a chance right? *deep breath* Like my dad said, I need to change my mindset. The "what-ifs" are killllllling me tho!
Priority on my list of things to do...praying for our birth mom. I know that she may not have even conceived our baby yet but I am praying for her. I know she is making a very difficult decision. I'm praying that God gives her the strength and peace she needs in making that decision. I know God already has our birth mom picked out. That sounds wonderful..."our birth mom"..."our baby"...my baby. <insert warm fuzzy feeling here>