As you can see it's been a while since I've written a new blog. I feel like a lot has been going on and a whole lot of nothing going on at the same time. Over the last month my husband and I have struggled with our grief over the loss of our dog. He comes up in conversation almost daily. Personally, I am haunted by that day in the vet's office. I've never had to euthanize an animal, much less a beloved pet. The feelings that I had as we made the decision, then that sick in my gut feeling as I watched him take his last breath...I just can't seem to get them out of my mind. I cry every time I think about it.
Since Buddy died I've gained about 5lbs :/ emotional eating along with depression= eating a package of Oreos mostly by myself. Trying to remedy that beginning today. Less than 2 weeks after Buddy died, my cat Sam got sick and had to spend the night at the vet. I was afraid we'd lose him too. Added to the emotional eating, I haven't been able to exercise for about 6 weeks due to a stress fracture in my foot. Turns out that my ambition to kick butt at the stair climbing at work has been to my detriment. Word to the wise...start off slowly if you're not used to exercising. My progressing too quickly is what led to the fracture and now I have to ease into walking over flat surfaces.
I haven't been taking my meds the way I'm supposed to either. Basically, I have not been taking care of myself for the last month. Starting fresh today!
I haven't had a cycle since the med induced one in February. Not doing any fertility stuff right now...hence the "lot of nothing" going on. I'm really struggling with what my future holds as far as motherhood. I nearly cried in the Taco Bell drive thru yesterday when I saw the car in front of me had a "happiness is being a grandparent" license plate frame. All I could think was "I'll never know that happiness" :( I wonder, will I ever get to be a mom? Every time I turn around, there's another story about a parent harming their child, sometimes to the death. I get angry. Why couldn't God let ME have that baby!??!? I would never harm a child. They would be loved and protected and nurtured. Why not me!?
Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately. Frankly, I don't care how a child comes into our lives. I just want a baby! I'm reminded of when I was a little girl and wanted a horse. I had this book of horses that I had with me all the time. At night, I would turn the page to the horse that I wanted...an Arabian horse. I would look out of my bedroom window and find a star...closing my eyes tightly I made a wish. I would drift to sleep with prayers that the horse of my dreams would be tied to the tree outside of my window when I woke in the morning. Sadly, I've never owned a horse. I've dreamed of waking to find a baby on my doorstep, both literally and figuratively. I fear that dream will never be realized as well.
It's been particularly difficult for me these past couple of weeks. Mother's day came and went. I admit I skipped church that day. I just couldn't sit there while the pastor preached a sermon about mothers (assumption on my part). I did spend time with my mom and hubby's mom which was nice and did manage to take my mind of the fact that yet again I'm not a mother. I feel like I can't spit at work without hitting someone who's pregnant. One of my friends had her baby shower on Saturday and I just couldn't bear to go shopping for it. Don't get me wrong. I AM happy for my friends and coworkers but jealousy is definitely rearing its ugly head. It just seems like everyone but me is getting pregnant. So frikkin frustrating
I get to keep my niece again tomorrow. I'm so thankful we live so close as I fear she may be the closest I ever get to having a child. I try to do all the things with her that I would do with my own child. Here's to hoping it's all good practice