I Miss Her

I miss her SO much. 
During the day, when she's gone to her visits, I can keep myself busy getting stuff ready to move. I can pack or paint or whatever.   Come 8pm when I settle down for the evening and would normally be putting her to bed, is when it hits.  Then when I go to bed and I can't hear her breathing or music in the baby monitor, I begin to cry. Like right this minute, I can't stop. I can barely see to type this out. I would rather stay awake all night than toss and turn in the silence.
Her visits have gone to 4 overnights for the next 2 weeks until court. Basically,  we get her for this next weekend (just the 2 days) then pending the outcome of court she'll return to her family. 
The silence is deafening.  Her absence is heartbreaking and most painful. How do foster parents do this multiple times? !
We talk about her almost as if she has died. "Remember when she..." or "just the other day she....". We laugh.  We cry. We miss her so very much.
We signed papers for the new house today. We lamented about how Sweet Pea wouldn't be able to move to the new house with us.  Tonight,  as I sit missing her,  I wonder if that's better for her.  Will it make transition easier for her if she comes to visit us in the new house rather than coming back the house that she lived in for so long?  Will the change of scenery be less confusing for her...or more confusing?  I don't know.
All I know is right now my arms are empty. ..again. My heart is sad...again. I'm crying myself to sleep...again.
I know there are so many kids in foster care who need a loving, safe place to stay but I really don't know how many times I can do this. I knew this would be hard but you never know just how difficult until you're in the midst of it.
Is the pain worth it? Dare I say? Absolutely.