Our Infertility Adoption Story- There's No Such Thing As An Unwanted Child or Pregnancy

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Failure Day...I mean Father's Day

Well...Who woulda thunk it...turns out Father's Day sucks just as much as Mother's Day does for me.  We started off the day going to visit our old church for it's 50th Anniversary.  A LOT of memories (not all good), feelings and emotions cropped up just being there and seeing some familiar faces.  I was feeling SUPER emotional even before we got there and did ok (didn't cry) until later.  Of course, they had to recognize the fathers that were there and I felt like crawling under the pew as it seemed that my husband was the only one not standing to be recognized as a dad.  Again I felt like I'd failed since I couldn't give him a child.  I know I'm more affected by it than he is.  I think he's ok just being the two of us...if a baby came along great!  If not? Ok, it's just the two of us...no big deal.  I don't think that he thinks I've failed him, but it's how I feel.
For those who don't know much about PCOS one of my major symptoms is what I call "permanent PMS"  My hormones don't fluctuate like they should so I'm constantly moody, bloated, crampy etc.  For the ladies, all those symptoms that you feel the week before starting your period?  Well that's every day for me...  Guys, you know how crabby and irritable your lady is during that time?  Cliff lives with it every day.  So, emotions aside, I was feeling like my insides were gonna just POP!  If I moved a certain way I got twinges of pains and "uncomfortable" sensations. And THEN...on top of that there's the frustration of not having a cycle despite the acupuncture and his prescription of nasty herbal tea I've been drinking. PCOS is very exhausting at times...emotionally, physically...it just sucks.
I started crying when I saw my brother in his "New Dad" shirt that I'd bought him.  While I'm so happy for him and excited that he gets to have that title, I couldn't help the pangs of jealousy I felt, again feeling like I sucked as a wife because my husband doesn't have that same title.
I didn't call my dad because I was so emotional I know I would've spent the whole time crying.  I know I should've called and been happy that I have the capability of talking with him.  So many people are not able to talk to their dad's on Father's Day for one reason or another.  I'm blessed that my dad is still around.
We had been invited to BBQ with some friends but i declined the invitation.  I didn't think I'd be able to hold it together that long.  I was right.
Instead, I spent my afternoon in self pity and dreading going back to work (I'd been on staycation the week before).  This is not the job that I've dreamed of.  I want to be a stay at home wife and mother. I thought of how my birthday is coming up.  I will be 35 and THIS is NOT what I wanted my life to look like when I turned 35. Again, my dreams and hopes seem so elusive...just out of reach.  That night as I slipped into bed, the emotions of the day just washed over me and I couldn't stop crying...again.
Looking forward to the day when I can celebrate Father's Day with my husband instead of feeling like I've failed him.

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