Just Me...Broken and Poured Out

Originally posted to Facebook on Feb 24, 2011

Disclaimer, Forewarning, whatever you want to call it: This a probably the most rambling, self-centered, whiney, "poor ol' me" post I've ever written.  It addresses my daily struggles and things I "complain" about all the time.  If you're tired of hearing about it or tired of reading my rambling thoughts...then read no further.  (oh and there may be some TMI included in this)  It is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings or for them to feel like I'm calling them out.  This note is not directed at any person so please don't take this personally.  It's just the culmination of all the things I've dealt with for the last 10 years or so. (this note was written over the course of a few days, so when I reference "today" that may not specifically be today)
I have this thing where I let little things build up until something totally unrelated sets me off and I blow up at whoever's closest at the time.  Well I'm almost at that point so before I freaking lose my mind and go off on someone, I'm venting.  I don't want your pity or "i'm sorry's", or advice nor do I need your judgment.  This is how i feel and I know it's self centered and not "focusing on God" but again...this is how I feel.  So here goes...
I want to have children...Lots of them.  If you don't know this about me then we've just met. From the time I was a toddler and would shield my precious babydoll in my coat, I knew I wanted to be a mom.  BUT I suffer (and I do mean suffer) from infertility.  I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) which seems to be the most likely culprit for my infertility.  I struggle EVERY day with it.  Almost every morning I wake to a pillow damp with the tears I cried the night before.  I have to talk myself out of bed lately when i really just want to lay there and not face the day.  I wake to an emptiness in the depth of me that can't be filled.  Often I feel so empty I physically ache.  I get headaches and muscle aches...heartaches and sometimes depression.  There are days where I can't stop crying.  Today happens to be one of those days.  I drag myself to the shower and force myself to go thru the motions of my day.  Every day I face people who cheerfully say "Hi! How are you?"  I often smile and say "I'm fine.  Thank you for asking" when what I really want to say is "Do you REALLY want me to answer that?!"  Do you want to hear how I cried myself to sleep again last night?  Do you want to hear about how I'm forcing a smile right now just so I don't burst into tears?  Do you want to hear about how my fertility treatment failed yet again?  Do you want to hear about how all I can think about is babies?  Do you want to hear about how alone I feel in my heartache?  How I fear that I'll be the "crazy old lady with 50 chihuahuas"?  How I worry that today will be the day that I can no longer hold it together and just lose my mind?  How about the fact that I've seen the logic in the thinking of a "cutter"?  Everything I see and do EVERY day is with my future,ever elusive child in mind.  And you thought I obsessed over NKOTB!?  Right now at this moment in my life I am literally the only person I know who doesn't have a child or is currently pregnant.  They all say "We're weren't even trying!" or "this was our first month trying"  I've been trying for nearly 10 years now.  I've seen specialists who've told me that because of my condition it is 100 times harder for me to lose weight than the average person and in the same breath told me I was too fat to get pregnant.  We've done 2 intra-uterine inseminations and medications.  (The meds could explain why I frikkin cry all the time)  Well meaning friends say things like "It's in God's timing" "Don't worry, you're still young" "have you thought about adoption"  "well just stop thinking about it...it will happen"  Right now my brother and his wife are expecting their first child.  I've actually had people say "See!  You prayed and asked God for a baby and here it comes!"  Now let me be clear...I am thoroughly excited for my brother and his wife and I already love that baby with every fiber of my being and will do ANYTHING for him/her BUT it's not my baby. I'm not angry at my friends and family for doing what is natural and starting a family.   Now here's where I don't need your condemnation...I am angry at God, SO very angry. (and here's where the TMI pops in)  I have a hard time believing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made when I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror and when my body betrays me every cycle.  Is it too much to ask to have just one normal cycle?!?  I've had people tell me "Ugh you are so lucky! You don't have periods"  yeah...well...when you're trying to get pregnant they come in pretty handy.  I've also had people tell me that I need to face the facts, mourn the child that I will never have, go thru the grieving process and move on with my life.  I refuse to mourn because I know one day I will be celebrating.
People who don't have to deal with these circumstances have NO clue how I feel nearly every day of my life.  Everybody thinks all i care about is the next NKOTB concert.  Most people don't know the heartache that follows me every day.  When you see a story about a baby left in a dumpster or a child who's been beaten to death by their parents and you think "oh that's so sad" and go about your day, it stops me in my tracks.  I get so angry I tremble and often times I get physically ill.  I would've given that baby a good home and so much love.  I would've been a GREAT mom to that baby.  Why couldn't God have let me have it? I've been the target of judgment.  I've had people close to me who should be support for me tell me to "suck it up" and quit feeling sorry for myself..."You should be happy for them! You've got a good life".   I know I have a nice new car, some nice jewelry, a good house etc but I would trade all of that and live in a cardboard box if it meant that I could have a child.  I don't want people to think that I feel horrible every day but I do think about this every day.  Some days I'm okay and I can smile and mean it.
I don't want people to walk on egg shells around me or think that they can't talk about their children/pregnancies for fear I'll go postal or something.  I've dealt with it for a while now and will continue plugging along.  I am truly happy for you and feel that you are so blessed.  DO NOT take that blessing for granted.  DO NOT forget to thank God for the child you've been blessed with.
After 6 months of more failed fertility treatments and after consulting my doctors, I've decided to take a break from the medications.  It's caused a lot of stress for me and I'm just plain sick of crying all the time.  I will use this break to focus on my weight loss and releasing some of my stressers.  I need to be in a good frame of mind and at a healthier weight for when we try again.
I struggled with whether or not to even post this...that maybe i should just keep it as a private note to vent but I've always been very open about my infertility, if only to quell any questions like "So when are YOU going to have kids?"
Infertility is something I face every day. I think about it constantly.  If you should ever think about me I would welcome/appreciate any prayers offered on my behalf.  Thank you if you took the time to read this.