Sadness and Gratitude

I had a pregnancy test this morning that confirmed what I already knew...I'm not pregnant...still...again...whatever.  Even though there is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very remote chance that it could be too early to tell, given my previous history and gut feeling, I doubt it.  Nothing about this cycle "felt" right.  It never seemed that the timing was what it should be.  Even though I receive an injection that *should* make me ovulate, I never felt like that actually happened.  I felt for days like "ok it will happen....aaaaaaany minute now"  but never had that *pop* feeling I usually get (when I actually ovulate).  I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to have another childless Christmas.  I kept thinking about how cool it would be for my brother to make his announcement last year and then for me to have an announcement this year.  I had thought of all these fun little ways I could make the big announcement to my family.  (My brother already took the slideshow idea ;)) Guess I'll have to hold on to those ideas for a little while longer.

The holidays really suck for someone dealing with infertility.  Everything is about pictures with santa, the new popular Christmas toys, children's Christmas plays.  All blatant in your face tauntings of what is just out of my grasp.

Last Christmas was SO hard for me.  I was in the midst of fertility treatments, all hopped up on hormones (ie a tornado waiting to touch down).  I wasn't blogging at the time and had no outlet. I kept all the tears and frustration locked up inside.  On Christmas Eve, my brother and his wife announced they were having a baby.  That triggered a torrential flood of emotions that I was powerless to control.  I hope this makes sense and no one's feeling are hurt by this.  It wasn't that they were having a baby. I was thrilled about that! It's that I wasn't... again.  At that moment it wouldn't have mattered who made the announcement.  It wasn't me.  I literally cried all night long.  I cried myself to sleep, woke myself up crying and cried myself to sleep again.  I cried in the shower while preparing to go to my brother's for our family's Christmas celebration.  I cried up to the moment I got in the car to go.  All of the hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, emptiness, pity and loneliness literally poured from the depth of my soul.  I hurt so bad.  Rest assured I am NOT suicidal and would never take my own life so don't confuse what I'm about to say for "suicidal ideations".  In those moments I thought of ways to cause pain to my body so that my heart wouldn't hurt so much.  It was in those moments I realized what a "cutter" feels and the logic in their thinking.  My husband couldn't understand how I was feeling.  It was such a roller coaster of emotions.  I was so excited at the prospect of my new niece or nephew and to find out he/she was due to arrive around my birthday?  C'mon!  What better gift could I ask for!?   I knew it would be hard though.  I knew all of the talk would be about Gin's pregnancy and the impending arrival of Baby Poo.   I also knew I couldn't skip out on Christmas.  I didn't want to take away from everyone else's excitement.  They didn't need my pity party.  So I gathered what control I could muster and went to celebrate with my family.  I looked like I'd gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson.  My eyes were SO swollen and puffy and my throat hurt from choking back the tears.  I didn't want anyone to know that I had been crying and was on the verge of crying some more.  I was really hoping to not have any more days like that.  But unfortunately today is one of those days.  Again, I cried in the shower, while I was getting ready for work.  Thought I had composed myself but didn't even make it to my desk before I started crying again. Sometimes it feels so good to cry and just let it go.  With infertility, you hold back so much because so many people feel it's such a private thing or maybe even shameful.  Crying just lets it all out.
So another Christmas is on the horizon and here I sit crying my eyes out again.  I feel ashamed for my tears because I know there are worse things than not being pregnant.  My best friend's dad has prostate cancer and the prognosis is not good.  I guess there is no delicate way of saying that :/  From what I've heard,  this could likely be his last Christmas here on Earth.  I should be focusing on how I can help my friend and be there for her instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself.  The holidays are hard for many people...not just me.  I'm struggling with taking the focus off of myself and remembering what the holiday is about.  A Savior was born.  It's His birth we celebrate.  It's because of that birth that I can say with certainty that my friend's dad will have a grand Homecoming when God calls him home.
My friend's dad retired yesterday after being a pastor for many years.  He was pastor of the church where my husband and I met.  He performed our wedding ceremony.  He's been an integral part of my life for 21 years.  During his retirement service they were taking testimonies and stories about Pastor Dave.  I wanted to say something but I was an emotional mess and I'm pretty sure no one would've been able to understand me.  I'm almost positive he is not one of my blog readers but I want to tell YOU what an awesome guy he is.  When I first moved from Florida to Washington, his daughter was the first new friend I made.  She and I shared many sleepovers, birthday parties, random Friday nights.  She was my maid of honor and is that friend who knows all my secrets but loves me anyway.   She and her parents invited me into their home on many occasions.  I was privileged to see what a Godly man her dad is.  He's been there for me in so many ways when my own father couldn't be.  He was there for me when I had problems with my family.  He came to my highschool graduation.  He was there for me when I had some difficulty in my marriage.   How do you say thank you to the man who has been a mentor, father figure, spiritual leader, counselor?  He has set such a wonderful example about what it means to "pray without ceasing".  Until I met him, I'd never known someone who was in a constant state of prayer.  Used to scare me to death when he'd take us to the mall.  Sometimes I think there was more praying going on than driving but it sure taught me about praying!  I am so very thankful for him and the example that he's been to me all these years.  I'm so thankful that he (and his lovely wife Marsha) raised such an awesome lady that I can call my friend.  I'm blessed by his presence in my life and so very thankful that God put him there when He did.  He is always setting the example of what a Christian should be.  Whether standing behind a pulpit or not, his life preaches a sermon. I just hope I pay enough attention to apply it to my life.  Thank you Pastor Dave for...well, everything. :)

Round 3

So if we're Facebook friends you already are aware of some of this info but I'm well aware that I have blog readers that are not on FB so here's the DL on what's going on this cycle.

I had a couple of acupuncture appointments this week and a couple of ultrasounds to check for follicles.  The first ultrasound I had indicated that I had multiple follicles this time, about 5 on one side and 4 on the other.  Seems like good odds right?? Unfortunately the next ultrasound I had indicated that there hadn't been much, if any change in the follicle size.  Didn't seem like the meds had worked this time either, but Dr Su wanted me to come in again to check one more time.  So after 2 days of fervent prayer I went in again this morning for another scan.  I had Cliff go with me because if I hadn't responded to the meds again I was going to bring up the ovarian drilling procedure again.  Evidently Dr Su had a difficult time finding my left ovary with the ultrasound wand and it was quite uncomfortable as he searched for it.  Finally he found it and my follicles :)  Yep multiple follicles that are the right size for us to pursue another IUI.  So I went into Urgent Care for a nurse to do my HCG trigger injection tonight and looks like we're a go for Monday.  When the nurses did the injections in my hips, evidently I bled quite a bit because both of the nurses we're like "Oh! You are QUITE the bleeder!  What are your periods like?!"  Lady, don't even get me started! lol
It always makes me nervous getting the injections in urgent care because they don't always have alot of experience with mixing the HCG injection and they have to sit and read the instructions that come with the vials.  I always worry "are they mixing them right? did they give me the right dose and still leave enough for next weeks shots?"  I just have to trust that they know better than I about the mixing (although I do usually have to educate them a little about the process).

So anyhoooo, if you could please pray for us on Monday (and for the next two weeks) I would sure appreciate it.

The last blog I wrote I asked if any readers had questions for me about my personal experiences or about PCOS.  Surprisingly, I did actually have some questions sent in.

The first question comes from a "big fan"/stalker of mine. <her words, not mine  She's also a dear friend who asks...

Q: Have you been diagnosed with diabetes? Are you going to 

     have your endocrinologists  test you for that?

A: No thankfully, I have not yet been diagnosed with Diabetes. 

     I've had normal glucose tolerance tests.  I did have two 

     tests indicating high insulin levels  but the second test value 

     had improved after I began a regimen of metformin.  I do plan 

     on bringing these tests up when I see the Endocrinologist

     in December. 

So more to come on that :)

The next couple of blogs I will address the questions regarding surrogates 

and also about dealing with infertility and the holidays. 

Again, thank you all for your prayers and well wishes.  They are greatly appreciated!

*Insert Clever Blog Title Here*

Not sure what to call this blog. "Update" seems kind of redundant since that's pretty much all this blog is.  Seems like so much has happened since my last entry but at the same time seems like a lot of nothing.

The major happening of these last couple of weeks and probably the most sad news I have is that my friend Chani who had just found out she was pregnant at my last writing, has lost the baby.  I can only imagine the profound sadness and disappointment she must be going through.  Please keep her in your prayers as she faces another pregnancy loss.

As for me and how I'm doing...

You know that Cliff and I had discussed adopting a child.  While that is not completely off the table, i am REALLY having a hard time abandoning my dream of conceiving and giving birth to my child.  I know that adopting doesn't make me any less of a mother but my heart's desire is to birth my own child.  Sometimes that seems like too much to ask for.  As much as I am able to pursue fertility treatment options, that is what I'm planning on doing right now.  Dr Su is willing to do 2 more IUI's so there's still a chance. 

I had an ultrasound on Wednesday to see how that pesky cyst was doing and it had gone down to 1cm.  Dr Su said that we would be able to begin Clomid again this cycle so tonight I take my 4th out of 5 doses of Clomid.  He's increased it to 250mg.  So far the side effects have been pretty minimal with the exception of the vision disturbances again.  Waking up in the morning is just that much more fun when it seems like you're waking to a bazillion flashbulbs going off....oh, and the hot flashes *wipes forehead*
I had an acupuncture appointment on Friday and spent most of the appointment catching him up since I haven't seen him since August.  I have another ultrasound scheduled on Tuesday (I'm surprised my ovaries don't glow in the dark by now with all the radiological exams I've had done).  Then I have another acupuncture appointment on Wednesday.  I'm SO very thankful that both Dr Su and Dr Woon are sensitive to the timing issues with this and are so flexible in getting me in for appointments.  One less thing I need to worry and fret about.

I went to Barnes and Nobles today and bought every book they had on PCOS...both of them.  I'm not really surprised about the lack of info out there.  What's really frustrating is that everyone's answer to "curing" PCOS is weightloss.  Then I read that the weightloss ratio is 3 to 1...being that, as hard as it is for the "average" person to lose 3 pounds?  That's how hard it is for a "cyster" to lose one pound.  SO frustrating but at the same time it makes me all the more proud of the weight I've lost and kept off...for the most part.  I'm really struggling with my potato addiction.  I LOVE potatoes!  Any way, shape or form!  LOVE 'em!  aaaaannnd they're my arch nemesis having PCOS.  If you could pray that potatoes would start to taste like something nasty, that could help me a bunch...

Oh and I did ask Dr Su about the ovarian drilling.  He said that it's more for women who don't ovulate on meds.  Because I have ovulated on the meds I don't meet the "criteria".  I may will bring it up again if I don't ovulate again on this cycle.  That would be 2 out of 3 times that I didn't ovulate on the meds.  So we'll see...fingers crossed that my body responds to the medications.

I also have an appointment with an endocrinologist on Dec 1.  Another frustrating aspect of PCOS is this- had I been diagnosed with cancer, the doctor would've laid out a plan for my treatment.  "Alright, you'll need to see an oncologist, have chemo, maybe radiation and surgery" etc.  But with PCOS, it was "Yup, you have PCOS.  See you in two years for your next pap".   Uuuuuhhh, thanks?  No one ever said "maybe you should see an endocrinologist".  So I have an appointment...in Seattle...yuk.  Oh and remember when I talked about seeing the doctor who told me to take my fertility money, have gastric bypass and lose 100lbs, then come back to see him?  Yeah I found out he's the PCOS guy at that clinic.  I've struggled with do I go back to him?  He IS an endocrinologist and he's the PCOS specialist.  When I saw him the first time, I know I was super sensitive to what he said.  He had said that I probably didn't need IVF.  I just needed to ovulate.  He wasn't saying he wouldn't help me have a baby.  He just didn't think it was necessary for me to spend money on an expensive procedure that may not be needed.  He IS more conveniently located than a doctor in Seattle who is only in the office on Thursdays and Fridays (my day off is Tuesday).  So I'm hoping the endo doc in Seattle will refer me to this guy who's more local.

In closing, my reasons for doing this blog in addition to being my own shoulder to cry on and venting thru this outlet, is to educate people about PCOS.  So I'm curious if anyone reads this blog and has questions about PCOS?  Or if you have something about me personally and my struggles with PCOS and infertility that you would like to ask?  For example, I know some have asked if we've considered a surrogate.  The short answer is yes and I'm sure that will be a future blog topic.  Anyhow, if there's anything you're curious about email your questions to lilpoobear76@hotmail.com with BLOG in the subject line and I will answer them in future blogs.  At this point, i am an open book!  i really just want to make people more aware of this stupid disease.

Thanks again for taking the time to read.
More updates soon :)