Sadness and Gratitude

I had a pregnancy test this morning that confirmed what I already knew...I'm not pregnant...still...again...whatever.  Even though there is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very remote chance that it could be too early to tell, given my previous history and gut feeling, I doubt it.  Nothing about this cycle "felt" right.  It never seemed that the timing was what it should be.  Even though I receive an injection that *should* make me ovulate, I never felt like that actually happened.  I felt for days like "ok it will happen....aaaaaaany minute now"  but never had that *pop* feeling I usually get (when I actually ovulate).  I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to have another childless Christmas.  I kept thinking about how cool it would be for my brother to make his announcement last year and then for me to have an announcement this year.  I had thought of all these fun little ways I could make the big announcement to my family.  (My brother already took the slideshow idea ;)) Guess I'll have to hold on to those ideas for a little while longer.

The holidays really suck for someone dealing with infertility.  Everything is about pictures with santa, the new popular Christmas toys, children's Christmas plays.  All blatant in your face tauntings of what is just out of my grasp.

Last Christmas was SO hard for me.  I was in the midst of fertility treatments, all hopped up on hormones (ie a tornado waiting to touch down).  I wasn't blogging at the time and had no outlet. I kept all the tears and frustration locked up inside.  On Christmas Eve, my brother and his wife announced they were having a baby.  That triggered a torrential flood of emotions that I was powerless to control.  I hope this makes sense and no one's feeling are hurt by this.  It wasn't that they were having a baby. I was thrilled about that! It's that I wasn't... again.  At that moment it wouldn't have mattered who made the announcement.  It wasn't me.  I literally cried all night long.  I cried myself to sleep, woke myself up crying and cried myself to sleep again.  I cried in the shower while preparing to go to my brother's for our family's Christmas celebration.  I cried up to the moment I got in the car to go.  All of the hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, emptiness, pity and loneliness literally poured from the depth of my soul.  I hurt so bad.  Rest assured I am NOT suicidal and would never take my own life so don't confuse what I'm about to say for "suicidal ideations".  In those moments I thought of ways to cause pain to my body so that my heart wouldn't hurt so much.  It was in those moments I realized what a "cutter" feels and the logic in their thinking.  My husband couldn't understand how I was feeling.  It was such a roller coaster of emotions.  I was so excited at the prospect of my new niece or nephew and to find out he/she was due to arrive around my birthday?  C'mon!  What better gift could I ask for!?   I knew it would be hard though.  I knew all of the talk would be about Gin's pregnancy and the impending arrival of Baby Poo.   I also knew I couldn't skip out on Christmas.  I didn't want to take away from everyone else's excitement.  They didn't need my pity party.  So I gathered what control I could muster and went to celebrate with my family.  I looked like I'd gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson.  My eyes were SO swollen and puffy and my throat hurt from choking back the tears.  I didn't want anyone to know that I had been crying and was on the verge of crying some more.  I was really hoping to not have any more days like that.  But unfortunately today is one of those days.  Again, I cried in the shower, while I was getting ready for work.  Thought I had composed myself but didn't even make it to my desk before I started crying again. Sometimes it feels so good to cry and just let it go.  With infertility, you hold back so much because so many people feel it's such a private thing or maybe even shameful.  Crying just lets it all out.
So another Christmas is on the horizon and here I sit crying my eyes out again.  I feel ashamed for my tears because I know there are worse things than not being pregnant.  My best friend's dad has prostate cancer and the prognosis is not good.  I guess there is no delicate way of saying that :/  From what I've heard,  this could likely be his last Christmas here on Earth.  I should be focusing on how I can help my friend and be there for her instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself.  The holidays are hard for many people...not just me.  I'm struggling with taking the focus off of myself and remembering what the holiday is about.  A Savior was born.  It's His birth we celebrate.  It's because of that birth that I can say with certainty that my friend's dad will have a grand Homecoming when God calls him home.
My friend's dad retired yesterday after being a pastor for many years.  He was pastor of the church where my husband and I met.  He performed our wedding ceremony.  He's been an integral part of my life for 21 years.  During his retirement service they were taking testimonies and stories about Pastor Dave.  I wanted to say something but I was an emotional mess and I'm pretty sure no one would've been able to understand me.  I'm almost positive he is not one of my blog readers but I want to tell YOU what an awesome guy he is.  When I first moved from Florida to Washington, his daughter was the first new friend I made.  She and I shared many sleepovers, birthday parties, random Friday nights.  She was my maid of honor and is that friend who knows all my secrets but loves me anyway.   She and her parents invited me into their home on many occasions.  I was privileged to see what a Godly man her dad is.  He's been there for me in so many ways when my own father couldn't be.  He was there for me when I had problems with my family.  He came to my highschool graduation.  He was there for me when I had some difficulty in my marriage.   How do you say thank you to the man who has been a mentor, father figure, spiritual leader, counselor?  He has set such a wonderful example about what it means to "pray without ceasing".  Until I met him, I'd never known someone who was in a constant state of prayer.  Used to scare me to death when he'd take us to the mall.  Sometimes I think there was more praying going on than driving but it sure taught me about praying!  I am so very thankful for him and the example that he's been to me all these years.  I'm so thankful that he (and his lovely wife Marsha) raised such an awesome lady that I can call my friend.  I'm blessed by his presence in my life and so very thankful that God put him there when He did.  He is always setting the example of what a Christian should be.  Whether standing behind a pulpit or not, his life preaches a sermon. I just hope I pay enough attention to apply it to my life.  Thank you Pastor Dave for...well, everything. :)