All In My Head

Since Cliff and I decided we want to adopt I've had a flurry of thoughts in my head.  I've made a list of all the things I want to do before our first homestudy...clear out the spare room to make into a nursery, organize the computer room, paint the living room... I know the social worker wont care about the paint on the walls but I see 12 years of wear and I want everything to be perfect.  I know I'm not the greatest housekeeper and am hoping a fresh coat of paint will help camouflage that.  I know it's unreasonable to think that painting is something I HAVE to do prior to the homestudy but again...these are the thoughts in my head.

I am so excited about this process.  This is the first time in our marriage that Cliff and I have really been on the same page with this.  I love knowing that Cliff thinks about what we're doing.  He comes home from work and asks random questions that we've never really discussed before.  The other night his question was "So how do we feel about discipline?"  I guess it just makes me feel better knowing that it's on his mind throughout the day too.

I printed a general "homestudy check list" from a website.  I thought it would ease my mind a little to have a check list and be able to make sure I have everything in order.  Instead it kind of freaked me out.  Not only do I have to paint my house but I have to do all this stuff too?!?!? Commence anxiety attack in 3....2....1....

I know that we are having a HOMEstudy not a HOUSEstudy.  I know the social worker is going to be paying more attention to mine and Cliff's desire for a child than to when I dusted the furniture last (thank God).  It is highly improbable that the painting will be done.  At this point, I would just be happy to have all the laundry washed, dried and put away (as I sit here and type away on the laptop). 

I have a lot of apprehensions about the homestudy.  I worry that we're too old (some agencies wont work with people over the age of 40).  I worry that we wont be "good enough".  I worry that once again my weight will hinder my chances of motherhood...that I'll be too "unhealthy" to adopt.  I know it's silly...people older and heavier than me adopt all the time.  People who put their adopted children in cages were deemed "good enough" so surely Cliff and I have a chance right? *deep breath* Like my dad said, I need to change my mindset.  The "what-ifs" are killllllling me tho!

Priority on my list of things to do...praying for our birth mom.  I know that she may not have even conceived our baby yet but I am praying for her.  I know she is making a very difficult decision. I'm praying that God gives her the strength and peace she needs in making that decision. I know God already has our birth mom picked out.  That sounds wonderful..."our birth mom"..."our baby"...my baby. <insert warm fuzzy feeling here>

Decisions In The Making

Today Hubby and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary.  We took a couple days off to spend time together.  This allowed us to have discussions that might not have happened otherwise.  The biggest topic of discussion the last two days has been "where do we go from here?"  More infertility treatments?  Adoption?  What??  We talked about how much it scares us to spend an outrageous amount of money on fertility treatments that may or may not work.  Up to this point, out of all the things we've tried I've never had a confirmed pregnancy related to the treatments.  I believe I've had two miscarriages in the past but if they were, I had gotten pregnant without fertility meds and the pregnancies were never confirmed.  It's just a hunch on my part.  What if we spend thousands of dollars and I still don't get pregnant??  Then we're out all that money for nothing.  So we've decided to put our eggs in a different basket so to speak.  No I don't mean a surrogate.  We've decided to pursue adoption. 
I don't want it to seem like "oh well I can't get pregnant guess we'll see if someone wants to  give us their kid" or like it's a last resort.  I am however struggling with giving up my dream of experiencing pregnancy.  I've always dreamed of the maternity clothes, the kicks to the lungs and bladder, the baby's hiccups,  having that first ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat for the first time.  I've dreamed of the whole birth experience.  I remember waking one morning with horrible pain in my abdomen like I'd done a million sit ups or something.  I had dreamed that I had given birth.  My abdomen hurt from "pushing" in my sleep.  Imagine my disappointment when I awoke childless...again.  That dream seemed so very real.
I'm already overwhelmed by the information I've read about adoption thus far.  SO much to think about but now I have another dream.  My dream is that we find a birthmom who allows us to be there for the birth, have an open adoption with reasonable limitations, I get to bring a newborn home from the hospital, without forking over a bazillion dollars to an agency when we've done most of the work.  Is THIS dream possible??  If I have to give up one dream can I at least have this one come true?
Cliff and I've discussed so many things... We've determined that race/ethnicity is not an issue for us.  I don't care if the baby is black, white, purple with pink polka dots...doesn't matter.  We don't care about the gender of the baby.  We'd just be happy with a healthy baby.  I do know that I prefer a newborn but am willing to consider a child up to the age of two. We are ok with some contact with the birthmom after the birth/adoption.  Our child will always know that they grew in my heart not in my tummy. 
I have learned that in Washington, it is not legal to "advertise" that you are looking for a birthmom prior to having a home study, but I can mention it to my friends and family that this is the decision we've made.  What you choose to do with that information is up to you ;)
So I guess our next step is getting the homestudy.  I have no idea how to even begin this whole process so any prayers for discernment, guidance, and strength are welcome.  I appreciate everyone's support and prayers.  Stay tuned,  I may be asking you for reference letters or you may be interviewed for the homestudy :)

What's Going On

As you can see it's been a while since I've written a new blog.  I feel like a lot has been going on and a whole lot of nothing going on at the same time.  Over the last month my husband and I have struggled with our grief over the loss of our dog.  He comes up in conversation almost daily.  Personally, I am haunted by that day in the vet's office.  I've never had to euthanize an animal, much less a beloved pet.  The feelings that I had as we made the decision, then that sick in my gut feeling as I watched him take his last breath...I just can't seem to get them out of my mind.  I cry every time I think about it.
Since Buddy died I've gained about 5lbs :/  emotional eating along with depression= eating a package of Oreos mostly by myself.  Trying to remedy that beginning today.  Less than 2 weeks after Buddy died, my cat Sam got sick and had to spend the night at the vet. I was afraid we'd lose him too.  Added to the emotional eating, I haven't been able to exercise for about 6 weeks due to a stress fracture in my foot.  Turns out that my ambition to kick butt at the stair climbing at work has been to my detriment.  Word to the wise...start off slowly if you're not used to exercising.  My progressing too quickly is what led to the fracture and now I have to ease into walking over flat surfaces. 
I haven't been taking my meds the way I'm supposed to either.  Basically, I have not been taking care of myself for the last month.  Starting fresh today!

I haven't had a cycle since the med induced one in February.  Not doing any fertility stuff right now...hence the "lot of nothing" going on.  I'm really struggling with what my future holds as far as motherhood.  I nearly cried in the Taco Bell drive thru yesterday when I saw the car in front of me had a "happiness is being a grandparent" license plate frame.  All I could think was "I'll never know that happiness" :(  I wonder, will I ever get to be a mom?  Every time I turn around, there's another story about a parent harming their child, sometimes to the death.  I get angry.  Why couldn't God let ME have that baby!??!?   I would never harm a child.  They would be loved and protected and nurtured.  Why not me!?
Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately.  Frankly, I don't care how a child comes into our lives.  I just want a baby!  I'm reminded of when I was a little girl and wanted a horse.  I had this book of horses that I had with me all the time.  At night, I would turn the page to the horse that I wanted...an Arabian horse.  I would look out of my bedroom window and find a star...closing my eyes tightly I made a wish.  I would drift to sleep with prayers that the horse of my dreams would be tied to the tree outside of my window when I woke in the morning.  Sadly, I've never owned a horse.  I've dreamed of waking to find a baby on my doorstep, both literally and figuratively.  I fear that dream will never be realized as well. 

It's been particularly difficult for me these past couple of weeks.  Mother's day came and went.  I admit I skipped church that day.  I just couldn't sit there while the pastor preached a sermon about mothers (assumption on my part).  I did spend time with my mom and hubby's mom which was nice and did manage to take my mind of the fact that yet again I'm not a mother.  I feel like I can't spit at work without hitting someone who's pregnant.  One of my friends had her baby shower on Saturday and I just couldn't bear to go shopping for it.  Don't get me wrong.  I AM happy for my friends and coworkers but jealousy is definitely rearing its ugly head.  It just seems like everyone but me is getting pregnant.  So frikkin frustrating

I get to keep my niece again tomorrow.  I'm so thankful we live so close as I fear she may be the closest I ever get to having a child.  I try to do all the things with her that I would do with my own child.  Here's to hoping it's all good practice