Who I Was Born To Be

Motherhood Day #15-

Geez...has it really only been 15 days?!?! lol

I confess it has been a trying time.  It has nothing to do with the baby and yet everything to do with her.  
When I was a little girl I always mothered my dolls.  There are pictures of me as a very young girl, with my doll zipped up next to me in my coat to stay warm.  I remember when Hurricane Elena came through Florida.  We were packing up to go to my Grandparents house (because they had the "more stable" mobile home ;)).  Mom told me to go pack a bag and I came back with a huge bag filled with everything my Cabbage Patch doll could possibly need for the next day or so.  Mom said "That's nice Tami...now why don't you go get a few clothes for yourself".  I've been practicing being a mom for as long as I can remember.  Problem is, my dolls didn't come with seizure meds or nebulizers, or frequent doctor appointments.  Sweet Pea has been quite sick since we gained custody of her.  She's been sleeping sitting up in the bouncy seat in our bedroom because of her congestion and cough.  She coughs so hard that she chokes, gags, and throws up a bunch of mucus. (for those novice parents like myself, apparently that is completely normal and pretty much the only way a baby can get rid of mucus since they don't know how to cough it out or blow their nose)  On day number 7 we had our first trip to urgent care.  When she was returned home after visiting her parents, the worker reported that the parents were concerned that she felt feverish.  When I held her I also thought she felt warm and immediately called the after hours nurse.  I gave them a brief history and they wanted us to bring her in.  We went to the clinic and were seen rather quickly.  She did have a little bit of a fever and was having some difficulty breathing.  They set us up to do a breathing treatment and then left the room.  I promptly started crying.  Here was this precious, sweet girl, struggling to breathe, coughing so hard she vomits, gagging and I was completely helpless.  There was nothing I could do to help her.  I wanted to breathe for her.  The nurse came in, saw I was crying and asked if I was ok.  They were so kind.  They knew I'm a new mom and gave us reassurance that she was ok.  We've had follow ups every few days because she's just not getting any better.  She had an xray today to check to see if she had pneumonia which thank goodness she doesn't.  She's such an amazing baby and is happy most of the time, but you can still tell she doesn't feel good.  We just want her to be healthy and not have to worry!  I guess that makes us parents huh...

I'm REALLY struggling with when to go back to work.  I feel so guilty being gone but I've waited a hell of a long time to be a mom and why should I rush back to work!?  Being a mom?...THIS is what I was put here on this earth for.  THIS feels perfect, sick baby, poopy diapers and all.  I'm FINALLY who I was born to be.  My job allows 2 weeks of bonding time for a newly placed foster child.  What a joke!  Don't get me wrong...I'm SO grateful for the time I've had off but seriously...2 weeks is barely enough time to get things in order much less have time to "bond" with your child.  My time has been filled with WIC appointments, doctors appointments, visits with Social workers, case workers, and Early Childhood development providers.  Added to that, we have to be available certain times for her visits with her family.  Now I'm supposed to juggle all of that and work full time as well.  What the hell was I thinking!?  The thing is...I don't WANT to work outside of my home.  All of my life I've wanted to be a stay at home mom.  That desire only grew stronger the longer it took for us to have a baby.  I've waited all of my life for this.  I don't want to put my child in daycare for someone else to raise.  That's my job! (Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to working moms.  I know some situations demand that mom works outside of the home)  I've missed out on pregnancy and childbirth.  I don't want to miss out on first words or first steps.
Sweet Pea's social worker recommended a daycare for us.  They are the only one I can find that has an opening for an infant and they are nowhere near conveniently located.  Which poses the next problem.  The person who picks her up for her family visits is not able to because of the daycare's location.
I can take up to 12 weeks of FMLA leave.  She's been so sick I didn't want to use it all in the first little bit that she's with us.  What if she needs me later in the year?!  The thing is...she needs me now...

Maybe I just needed to see all of this typed out...to decide what to do.

Even though this is not how I imagined my life, how I would become a mom.  I am a mom.  It sounds funny to me...foreign almost.  I go to doctors appointments and they ask "Your relation to the patient?" I am her mom.
Tonight I held my sweet little girl in my arms as she drifted off to sleep.  I assured her, it was ok to fall asleep.  She's safe, warm, and loved.  Most definitely loved

After I posted this blog my mom posted this pic on her FB...Me with my doll, and of course her diaper bag...

It's A Girl!!!

I originally wrote this blog to auto post on Thursday when we were supposed to take custody of Sweet Pea.  Needless to say I had to do some editing...

As you know we received our foster care license last week on Tuesday.  On my lunch break, on Wednesday, I received a call from YFC.  It was their person who handles the placements.  She was calling to just go over the general information that we would get in a placement call, kind of like a practice call.  She said "For instance, you'll probably say no to this one but here's the kind of information we'll give you.  We have a 3 month old little girl, currently in foster care and needing a new home for the next 6-9 months.  She'll either be reunited with her parents or adopted by a family member.  In the mean time she needs a home."  She proceeded to tell us more about the baby's background and said "What do you think?"  Now Cliff and I had already pretty much decided that we were going in to this as a ministry, not just to get a baby to adopt, and would not say "no" to anything God brought before us.  If He doesn't want a certain child with us, He's going to have to say no because I know I wouldn't be able to.  There was a catch with this little girl though.  The state didn't want her in daycare because of her tendency to get sick easily.  Any child that comes to us will have to go to daycare :(  The lady from YFC was shocked I said yes since she knew we were looking to adopt and we would not be able to adopt this child.  She said she would have to contact the state worker to see if they were willing to forgo the daycare thing.  She stated she would call me back.  Thursday came....and went.  Friday came...and went. I figured "good...it wasn't my idea of my dream situation and this is God's way of saying 'No'".  Then Monday came.  The lady from YFC called again.  They had been unable to find another home for this baby and she wanted to know if we were still willing to take her, knowing it would not be a long term situation.  I called Cliff just to make sure we were still on the same page before I called her back.  He agreed and I called to tell her that yes we were still willing and able to take care of her.  She was going to call back the state social worker and tell her that Baby Girl had a new home.  She had said that the social worker was planning on transferring custody on Thursday.  I waited for the call on Tuesday to finalize details about when we would pick her up on Thursday.  I got a voicemail from YFC saying "Change of plans, can you pick her up tomorrow (Wednesday) at 11:30am.  I called them back to say I would be able to pick her up then and the worker said "Change of plans again...Can you pick her up today?"  So yesterday we became parents.  I have waited my whole life for this moment in time.  I never dreamed this day would actually come.  I can't believe this is really happening.  I have to keep reminding myself to breathe.    I think about the things we have planned for this weekend and realize now we'll have a baby in tow!  IT IS BLOWING MY MIND!!!
Now I know this is temporary.  We only get to have her for 6-9 months until courts decide her fate, but for now...for this moment in time, she's mine.  I'm already sad that it seems we'll have to give her to her forever home around the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays.  For my sake, I really hope this happens either well in advance of the holiday season or that we get to keep her through the holidays.
She's a great baby!  She only fusses when she's hungry.  She slept from 11:00pm last night until about 7:45am this morning. Wish the same could be said for me ;)  She has some minor health issues.  She's just getting over RSV and has to have nebulizer treatments.  I wonder how much albuterol she inhaled versus how much I inhaled while giving her the treatment.  Her previous foster mom said she has a seizure disorder so she's on phenobarbital for that.  She does not like that medicine and is an expert at not swallowing it.  I'm concerned that she may not be getting enough of it in her system because she's a pro at just holding her mouth open and letting it just ooze out. I even tried to give it to her while she was sleeping.  I thought her natural sucking reflex would take over and I'd get it down her.  Nope!  She is wise to my ways.  I have to contact her Neuro doc and her pediatrician today to see what kind of follow up she needs.

On the way home last night I stopped at Target to buy diapers and the cashier says "What a beautiful baby! How old is she?'  I replied "3 1/2 months"  She said "Is she sleeping through the night for you yet?"  I said "I don't know.  I've only been her mom for about and hour and a half!"  That kind of got a funny look until I explained I am her foster mom.

Out of respect for her birth parents and for her protection, we've decided not to post any identifying pictures of her on Facebook or on this blog.  If you want to see her, you'll have to come visit ;)  Exceptions will be made for family out of state.  If you want to see her, message me your cell number or email and I'll text or email pics.  We do plan on having an Open House so people can come visit and meet our lil Sweet Pea.

I ask you to please pray for the following:

1)  That Baby Girl will transition easily to our home, that she will thrive and grow strong in our care.  Please pray for her health, that she'll recover quickly from the RSV and even maybe be healed of the seizure disorder

2)  That I am able to find a daycare that has an opening for an infant.  (the one I picked and all of my back ups don't have any openings to take an infant!)

3)  That God will comfort me in the grief when she leaves us

Thank you for all of your love and support in this, the most amazing journey of my life

It may be a while before I blog again.  I plan on being busy being a mommy :)

It's Official!!

Yesterday NKOTB released their newest album "10" which of course thrilled me to no end!  I arrived home from work at my usual time last night but sat in the driveway for a few minutes, loading the album to the hardrive of my car.  Just as I was almost finished, my cell phone rang.  DANGIT!  Because my cell phone also rings thru my car with the bluetooth, it totally messed up what I was doing.  "Grrr *grumble*  Hello?"  paraphrased>>"Hi, This is Youth for Christ.  Just calling to let you know that you've been licensed!"  Me: <instant cheesball grin> Yaaaaaayyyyyyy!  Went and checked my mail and this is what came...

I think I just went from "braxton hicks" to straight labor! or maybe this is the pushing part....

Anxiously <understatment of the year> awaiting *THE* call that brings the child that I've been longing for, home.  CAN'T WAIT!!!