So I had an ultrasound on Thursday to check for follicles. I had one on each side that were pretty close to the same size but the right side was just slightly larger. I didn't care which side or how big. I was just excited that I had TWO!! But they weren't big enough to mean anything yet...remember they have to be at least 2cm to be productive. So Dr Su had me come in this morning (yes on a sunday again...that man is awesome!) for another ultrasound to check for growth. Unfortunately neither follicle had grown very much and we're not able to do an IUI this cycle. So more waiting. In a "normal" person your body makes a hormone that tells your ovaries to produce a follicle that will produce an egg. In a person with PCOS your body makes the same amount of that hormone (or less) but splits it up amongst all the little cysts that could be follicles. Does that make sense? So instead of all the hormone going to one follicle...all the little cysts share and not enough is there to produce a "mature" follicle. So that being said I have plenty of cysts on my ovaries which cause plenty of discomfort but nothing mature enough to produce an egg. I would love to be positive and say "well there's always next month" but Dr Su will be on vacation for a little bit next month and it is very likely that he will be out of town around the pertinent time, SO we have to wait until the NEXT cycle.
I'm really struggling lately with everything. Nothing is going the way I want it to in my life. My job is bugging the crap out of me. I have a hard time going to church because I feel like... God's not paying any attention to me, why should I pay attention to Him. (I know that's not the case but that's how I feel) The average 15 year old can get knocked up but here I'm doing everything I possibly can and cant even frikkin ovulate. I'm so frustrated with everything and I feel the depression setting in. I dread going to work because I no longer have my ideal work situation. My hours are being changed. My day off is being changed. I'm not enjoying it right now because all I want to do is be a stay at home wife and mom. The only positives in my life this week has been the time I got to spend with my family, especially Little Quinn and the fact that I hit my "40lbs lost" mark.
I can't begin to put into words the frustration of not having any follicles. I asked the doctor if there was another medication to try since I seem to be having a poor response to the Clomid. His response is to increase the Clomid. That should be fun since I'm having hellacious side effects from the dose that I'm on, much less throwing another 50mg into the mix. In his defense I haven't told him about the side effects because I don't want him to discontinue the meds. I can deal with the crappy side effects...if only it would make me ovulate. What else can I do? Is there something I can eat or not eat that would make a difference? Stand on one leg, pat my head and rub my tummy??? What???? I'll do it...Just tell me what I have to do!!!! This is only the second cycle but I feel like I've been doing this forever and not getting any response. I feel like it's not going to work so why bother. Maybe I should just take the money that we'd spend on another failed IUI and just put it towards IVF. At least with IVF I would be pregnant...if only for a day or two. In the event that the IVF failed that child would be waiting for me in heaven. I would have been a mom for a little bit. I would have my moment of something wonderful...instead of...this...
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Here We Go Again...
I have an appointment tomorrow to check for follicles...fingers crossed, there ARE some AND they're the right size for the HCG trigger injection. Kinda nervous because my acupuncturist is on vacation next week. Hoping everything goes well and im able to see him before he leaves. If the IUI takes place while he's gone he wants me to see another acupuncturist for treatment. Prayers tommorrow would be appreciated :)
Monday, August 15, 2011
You Mean I'm NOT The Only One!?!?!
If you want to watch all of the video, that's awesome. It's very informative and contains a lot of things you may not know about PCOS. If you're just interested in the fertility aspects of it skip to 21:00.
PCOS Challenge
PCOS Challenge
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Roller Coaster
Wow! What a ride this week has been. Monday started off a little rough for me. I started my cycle and was devastated that the IUI had failed again. I broke down at work and barely made it through my day. I just felt like I'd been beaten up. This was my lowest of lows. Then on Tuesday I ended up calling in sick to work. Remember in my previous post where I had said "Dear Lord please dont let my period be as bad as the last time"? Well it wasn't as bad...but it was a close second. I spent Tuesday curled in the fetal position in my bed.
Then came Wednesday...which also happened to be my 35th birthday. I started my morning off with a free birthday coffee from Starbucks, then off to a pedicure (which unfortunately was rather mediocre-I could've done better myself). After my pedi I went to lunch with my dad who is visiting from Florida. The last time he and I were able to have lunch on my birthday I was 16. It was really nice and we had a great time with great conversation. Then that evening I went to dinner with my mom...again, good food and great conversation. I really enjoyed being able to visit with both of my parents. Once home, as I reflected on the day and the significance of 35 I began to sink a little. You see, all of my doctors have said the same thing almost verbatim..."The average woman's fertility drops dramatically at the age of 36. A woman with PCOS? It drops even more dramatically". Basically they're saying that if I don't get pregnant by the age of 36 it is likely that I never will. Thus begins the countdown....as of this writing I have 362 days to get pregnant. No pressure...Overall I had a good birthday, even with the proverbial cloud looming. :)
Thursday brought quite the excitement for our family. My brother and his wife had their baby! My beautiful niece Quinn was born. Isn't she gorgeous!? I've so enjoyed getting to hold her and look forward to many more days of snuggling and teaching her all about NKOTB ;) We've already had our first discussion about who Jordan Knight is. She was thrilled...
Friday was rather uneventful. I went to work then went to dinner with the hubby for my birthday. (he'd had to work late both Wednesday and Thursday so Friday was my night) After dinner we went by my brother's house so Uncle Cliff could meet his new niece. (and so I could hold her some more).
Honestly, I do have selfish motives for holding her so much. I have a theory (yeah I'm full of 'em) that being around babies stimulates my hormones. Having PCOS, I don't have regular cycles at all. I can go for months without. BUT let me hold a baby and I start a period within the week. It's weird...I'm almost sure this theory was confirmed the last two days as I held Quinn and started feeling quite uncomfortable...like my ovaries were swelling...weird I know.
I did start round 2 of Clomid on Friday. I have an appointment on Wednesday for acupuncture before going in on Thursday for a scan to check for follicles. Note to self: Hold Quinn A LOT on Wednesday.
I am off work the next couple of days and hope to use the time wisely in cleaning and getting organized in my home and also spending some quality time with little Quinn.
Have a blessed week
Then came Wednesday...which also happened to be my 35th birthday. I started my morning off with a free birthday coffee from Starbucks, then off to a pedicure (which unfortunately was rather mediocre-I could've done better myself). After my pedi I went to lunch with my dad who is visiting from Florida. The last time he and I were able to have lunch on my birthday I was 16. It was really nice and we had a great time with great conversation. Then that evening I went to dinner with my mom...again, good food and great conversation. I really enjoyed being able to visit with both of my parents. Once home, as I reflected on the day and the significance of 35 I began to sink a little. You see, all of my doctors have said the same thing almost verbatim..."The average woman's fertility drops dramatically at the age of 36. A woman with PCOS? It drops even more dramatically". Basically they're saying that if I don't get pregnant by the age of 36 it is likely that I never will. Thus begins the countdown....as of this writing I have 362 days to get pregnant. No pressure...Overall I had a good birthday, even with the proverbial cloud looming. :)
Friday was rather uneventful. I went to work then went to dinner with the hubby for my birthday. (he'd had to work late both Wednesday and Thursday so Friday was my night) After dinner we went by my brother's house so Uncle Cliff could meet his new niece. (and so I could hold her some more).
Honestly, I do have selfish motives for holding her so much. I have a theory (yeah I'm full of 'em) that being around babies stimulates my hormones. Having PCOS, I don't have regular cycles at all. I can go for months without. BUT let me hold a baby and I start a period within the week. It's weird...I'm almost sure this theory was confirmed the last two days as I held Quinn and started feeling quite uncomfortable...like my ovaries were swelling...weird I know.
I did start round 2 of Clomid on Friday. I have an appointment on Wednesday for acupuncture before going in on Thursday for a scan to check for follicles. Note to self: Hold Quinn A LOT on Wednesday.
I am off work the next couple of days and hope to use the time wisely in cleaning and getting organized in my home and also spending some quality time with little Quinn.
Have a blessed week
Monday, August 8, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Disappointment
You know, the world is FULL of disappointments. Somewhere in the world, there is a child whose parent promised to take them to the park and didn't. Somewhere in the world, there is someone who's received the notice that they didn't get the job they thought they were a shoe-in for. Somewhere in the world, there's a hopeful student who finds they didn't get into the college of their choice. Somewhere in the world there's a young wife who wants desperately to be a mom who had a negative pregnancy test, yet again. The thing is...it doesn't matter how many times your parent has let you down, how many times you didn't get the job or how many negative pregnancy tests you've had. Each time it happens the hurt and disappointment is just as fresh and new as if it was the first time.
You would think I would get used to the disappointment after taking so many pregnancy tests over the past 10 years. You would think it would be easier if I expect the negative result. It's not. There's always that split second before reading the results where you are SO hopeful that maybe THIS will be the one. Then there's the few seconds after reading the result where you keeping looking at the stick hoping and willing a plus sign to appear. I was SO hopeful when I woke this morning. I got antsy about testing and couldn't resist. I figured even if the HCG injection was still in my system that I would be able to tell if the HCG was increasing by doing a couple of tests throughout the next week. The test I took this morning didn't even pick up the HCG injection. It was completely negative. My heart keeps saying "it's still early. You haven't started a period yet. You could still be pregnant" My head is telling me "yeah right."
You know how there's the theory that if you wash your car it will start to rain?? My theory is that if I pee on a stick I'll start a period. It is SO damn frustrating. Even if I don't carry a pregnancy to term, at this point I just want to be pregnant to know that I CAN get pregnant! I'm not stupid. I know that it would crush me to miscarry. I'm reminded of a scene from one of my favorite movies where Julia Roberts is a diabetic telling her mom that she's pregnant. Her mom is getting on to her for being so irresponsible by getting pregnant in her medical condition. I forget the exact wording but Julia Roberts character says something to the effect of "I would rather have a moment of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special". I would give anything to be pregnant for even just a little bit. At least then I would know that I have a child waiting for me in heaven. I would give anything for a flicker of light at the end of this God forsaken tunnel.
Yesterday Cliff and I actually had a somewhat serious discussion about baby names. So far, our kid's first name is "well I don't hate"... as in "I don't hate the name <insert name here>". I have a list of names as long as my arm and I would LOVE to have a child to go with each name!
One of my friends said it's not over until "aunt flo" shows up. I will proceed this week as if I could still possibly be pregnant...until I get confirmation one way (starting a period) or another (confirmation from doctor). If I don't start a period then it is likely that I never ovulated and we may have to adjust medications, timing etc. My acupuncturist wants to incorporate herbs into the cycle as well which doesn't thrill me because the herbs are disgusting. Even though the heartache, sadness and disappointment are overwhelming right now, I'm trying not to be negative just because I had a negative result this morning. I COULD still be pregnant. I'm only two weeks post IUI. I tell you...if I were to have a positive test later this week you could push me over with a feather. I seriously wouldn't know what to do. I guess we'll just have to wait to see what this week has in store for us. I will probably test again in a few days... not sure when tho.
Again, I really do appreciate all the prayer and support I've gotten. I know that if all it took to have a child was the love and support of friends I'd have a bazillion kids by now. Thank you guys :)
You would think I would get used to the disappointment after taking so many pregnancy tests over the past 10 years. You would think it would be easier if I expect the negative result. It's not. There's always that split second before reading the results where you are SO hopeful that maybe THIS will be the one. Then there's the few seconds after reading the result where you keeping looking at the stick hoping and willing a plus sign to appear. I was SO hopeful when I woke this morning. I got antsy about testing and couldn't resist. I figured even if the HCG injection was still in my system that I would be able to tell if the HCG was increasing by doing a couple of tests throughout the next week. The test I took this morning didn't even pick up the HCG injection. It was completely negative. My heart keeps saying "it's still early. You haven't started a period yet. You could still be pregnant" My head is telling me "yeah right."
You know how there's the theory that if you wash your car it will start to rain?? My theory is that if I pee on a stick I'll start a period. It is SO damn frustrating. Even if I don't carry a pregnancy to term, at this point I just want to be pregnant to know that I CAN get pregnant! I'm not stupid. I know that it would crush me to miscarry. I'm reminded of a scene from one of my favorite movies where Julia Roberts is a diabetic telling her mom that she's pregnant. Her mom is getting on to her for being so irresponsible by getting pregnant in her medical condition. I forget the exact wording but Julia Roberts character says something to the effect of "I would rather have a moment of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special". I would give anything to be pregnant for even just a little bit. At least then I would know that I have a child waiting for me in heaven. I would give anything for a flicker of light at the end of this God forsaken tunnel.
Yesterday Cliff and I actually had a somewhat serious discussion about baby names. So far, our kid's first name is "well I don't hate"... as in "I don't hate the name <insert name here>". I have a list of names as long as my arm and I would LOVE to have a child to go with each name!
One of my friends said it's not over until "aunt flo" shows up. I will proceed this week as if I could still possibly be pregnant...until I get confirmation one way (starting a period) or another (confirmation from doctor). If I don't start a period then it is likely that I never ovulated and we may have to adjust medications, timing etc. My acupuncturist wants to incorporate herbs into the cycle as well which doesn't thrill me because the herbs are disgusting. Even though the heartache, sadness and disappointment are overwhelming right now, I'm trying not to be negative just because I had a negative result this morning. I COULD still be pregnant. I'm only two weeks post IUI. I tell you...if I were to have a positive test later this week you could push me over with a feather. I seriously wouldn't know what to do. I guess we'll just have to wait to see what this week has in store for us. I will probably test again in a few days... not sure when tho.
Again, I really do appreciate all the prayer and support I've gotten. I know that if all it took to have a child was the love and support of friends I'd have a bazillion kids by now. Thank you guys :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Stupid Creaky Old House
So you know how when you're home alone you can hear EVERY little creak, hum, buzz, rustling that goes on in the house? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling the past couple of days. I'm alone in my head (I think) and every little thing makes me go "WHAT WAS THAT!??!" I've been feeling "weird" for the last two days. Now before you go getting all excited it is very likely that it is just side effects from the HCG injection and the warm weather.
I get dizzy..."OMG! What was that?" I feel nauseous..."Is that morning sickness?" I'm super tired..."Is that a pregnancy symptom?" Certain body parts are SUPER sensitive..."Oh no! Is that PMS?" The HCG IS the pregnancy hormone and is very likely the cause of any of these symptoms. I have nothing else to distract me right now so I hear or feel every little "creak". Every little pain, twinge or "creak" I get makes me get excited and think "Holy crap! Could I REALLY be pregnant this time?" It is still too early for me to test and I am going KUH-RAZE-EEE with all these things that I'm feeling. I feel like it's some cruel trick my mind is playing on me and I get mad (uh-oh! Mood swings! Pregnancy or PMS?!!? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!) I really appreciate all the prayers that you all have offered up on my behalf. I'm pretty sure that's the only thing keeping me from absolutely just losing my frikkin mind. :) Thanks again for all the support!
I get dizzy..."OMG! What was that?" I feel nauseous..."Is that morning sickness?" I'm super tired..."Is that a pregnancy symptom?" Certain body parts are SUPER sensitive..."Oh no! Is that PMS?" The HCG IS the pregnancy hormone and is very likely the cause of any of these symptoms. I have nothing else to distract me right now so I hear or feel every little "creak". Every little pain, twinge or "creak" I get makes me get excited and think "Holy crap! Could I REALLY be pregnant this time?" It is still too early for me to test and I am going KUH-RAZE-EEE with all these things that I'm feeling. I feel like it's some cruel trick my mind is playing on me and I get mad (uh-oh! Mood swings! Pregnancy or PMS?!!? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!) I really appreciate all the prayers that you all have offered up on my behalf. I'm pretty sure that's the only thing keeping me from absolutely just losing my frikkin mind. :) Thanks again for all the support!
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