It's been an interesting week for me. It's the first time I've blogged every day (ok well technically Cliff wrote yesterday's). It was more difficult than I thought it would be. I had a tough time trying to come up with topics. Seems like I've said it all before. I hope this week has shed a little light on infertility and it's affect on the people suffering from it, how it affects all relationships not just marriages. I'm really not sure how to wrap up this week. I want to end on a positive note but honestly I have a difficult time finding anything positive about infertility. I guess a positive thing would be the friends I've met online who share this struggle with me. First we were BLOCKheads and sisters then realized we're "cysters". ;) I'm sorry that it's a struggle for you too but am grateful that I don't have to go thru this alone.
This week has been about bringing awareness to infertility. The theme for the week is "Don't Ignore Infertility". This week I got a glimpse of how people may feel/act towards me. I have a friend whose boyfriend was killed a couple of weeks ago. Yesterday was the first time I'd seen her since and I was at a loss as to what to say. I didn't dare ask "How are you doing?". I know the answer to that. "He's in a better place"? I would punch me for saying that! What do you say to someone when you can't even begin to know how they feel?! I did exactly what I've been "preaching" about all week. I ignored the situation. I smiled at her and completely avoided/ignored the heartache she's going thru. I imagine that must be a little of how my friends feel towards me...not sure what to say, how to act. It's easier to ignore the situation. I guess it takes a little bit of courage to not ignore someone's struggles.
I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read and comment on the blog. The support, prayers, the hugs and just acknowledging that it is a difficult thing to go thru, are very appreciated.
I'm thankful for my husband who is so private, taking the time to write a blog and put his thoughts and feelings out there for the world to see. Love you Babe <3
I'm thankful for those that share the heartache, for one day we will share in the joy!
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
NIAW Day 6: Infertility From His Perspective
Infertility Awareness week is coming to a close and Tamra wanted me to write about how I feel. As all of you know Tamra has PCOS. PCOS is a real difficult thing for a woman to go through and it is something I truly will not understand how it effects Tamra as a woman who desires to be a mother. It is tough for me to share my emotions in something that I feel is a condition that affects Tamra in a greater degree. I feel as though my feelings shouldn't matter, that our focus should be on Tamra and helping her deal with and defeat this condition.
Before I start I should introduce myself. My name is Cliff and I am Tamra's husband. I have always imagined being a dad at some point. I think because I don't complain a lot or tell this to Tamra, that she forgets or doesn't know that I do desire to be a father.
First of all, I am named after my dad and it is something we talked about, passing on the family name. Mom may have not liked it, but I do plan on passing on the name Cliff (Tamra doesn't care for it either). This is something I never shared with Tamra. I really did not want to add any extra pressure to her. She is already going through so much.
Nothing I have been through compares to what she has been through. I've seen her poked and prodded and put on medicine that made her an emotional nightmare. I tried not to get aggravated with her. I would like to tell you I was the best husband ever and kept my cool, but that would be a lie. This roller coaster of emotions has made our marriage really trying at times. All I can say is when she hurts I hurt and I get mad! I get mad because there is nothing I can do to help her. After all a man is suppose to fix things, not stand by and let them run their course. Just hope I can be the supportive husband she needs.
As far as my emotions: I tend not to be too emotional. It's not that I don't have emotions. It's just I don't show my emotions (most men are probably the same way). My lack of showing emotions leads to Tamra thinking I don't care, which makes things difficult. I just hope Tamra knows that I do hurt when she hurts. I am sad when she is sad. I do care! I hope Tamra realizes that.
Maybe one day we can have children. I am hopeful. I do feel the Lord will bless us with a family. Will that be kids of our own or will we adopt? I don't know what the Lord has planned for us. All I know is that all things are possible for God.
I am proud of Tamra! She is working on losing weight which could help us conceive. She does this blog to release frustration and share her emotions, but not just that. She shares what she learns about PCOS with others to help them. Come to find out there are a lot of women that suffer with this. I am proud to know some of you and I do wish the best for all of you!
I want to end with this. Tamra I love you more and more every day. I always will love you and I am glad you are my wife. You are my best friend. Thank you for letting me write in your blog.
Before I start I should introduce myself. My name is Cliff and I am Tamra's husband. I have always imagined being a dad at some point. I think because I don't complain a lot or tell this to Tamra, that she forgets or doesn't know that I do desire to be a father.
First of all, I am named after my dad and it is something we talked about, passing on the family name. Mom may have not liked it, but I do plan on passing on the name Cliff (Tamra doesn't care for it either). This is something I never shared with Tamra. I really did not want to add any extra pressure to her. She is already going through so much.
Nothing I have been through compares to what she has been through. I've seen her poked and prodded and put on medicine that made her an emotional nightmare. I tried not to get aggravated with her. I would like to tell you I was the best husband ever and kept my cool, but that would be a lie. This roller coaster of emotions has made our marriage really trying at times. All I can say is when she hurts I hurt and I get mad! I get mad because there is nothing I can do to help her. After all a man is suppose to fix things, not stand by and let them run their course. Just hope I can be the supportive husband she needs.
As far as my emotions: I tend not to be too emotional. It's not that I don't have emotions. It's just I don't show my emotions (most men are probably the same way). My lack of showing emotions leads to Tamra thinking I don't care, which makes things difficult. I just hope Tamra knows that I do hurt when she hurts. I am sad when she is sad. I do care! I hope Tamra realizes that.
Maybe one day we can have children. I am hopeful. I do feel the Lord will bless us with a family. Will that be kids of our own or will we adopt? I don't know what the Lord has planned for us. All I know is that all things are possible for God.
I am proud of Tamra! She is working on losing weight which could help us conceive. She does this blog to release frustration and share her emotions, but not just that. She shares what she learns about PCOS with others to help them. Come to find out there are a lot of women that suffer with this. I am proud to know some of you and I do wish the best for all of you!
I want to end with this. Tamra I love you more and more every day. I always will love you and I am glad you are my wife. You are my best friend. Thank you for letting me write in your blog.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
NIAW Day 5: If You Want Me To
Infertility 101: "You mean, it's not just me???"
Statistics according to the CDC website-
Number of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity (impaired ability to have children): 7.3 million
Percent of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity: 11.8%
Number of married women ages 15-44 that are infertile (unable to get pregnant for at least 12 consecutive months): 2.1 million
Percent of married women ages 15-44 that are infertile: 7.4%
Number of women ages 15-44 who have ever used infertility services: 7.3 million
Statistics according to the CDC website-
If You want me to....I'll praise You in this storm
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
NIAW Day 4: The Cost of Infertility
Infertility 101:
What are the signs and symptoms? Often there are no signs or symptoms associated with an infertility problem. Listening to your body and getting regular checkups will help to detect a problem. Early detection and treatment of a problem are often critical in achieving successful pregnancy outcomes later.
If you are dealing with infertility, you know exactly what I'm talking about in the title of this blog. For those not dealing with infertility I'll fill you in. The cost is much deeper than your pockets.
The mental strain is, at times, insurmountable. I've spoken in previous blogs about the depression that comes with the territory and is only exacerbated by the side effects of fertility meds. Most of the time you feel like you may lose your mind at any given moment. You have moments where you just wait for someone to say the one thing that will bring you to tears and you are powerless to control their flow. You may lose friends or at least relationships may suffer as you retreat inside your personal pain. You distance yourself from your friends or even family as they all become pregnant and start families of their own. You don't want your jealousy to become so evident that you can't even begin to camouflage it. You can't just call someone up on a Friday night to hang out because your friends need to find a sitter. You may find that it's your friends who distance themselves because they are afraid they may say or do something to upset you, or maybe they're just sick of hearing about your fertility woes. They may be offended when you can't come to their baby shower. You no longer "fit in" with your friends because the conversations are all about what their kids are doing and you feel you have nothing to contribute.
Your relationship with your spouse may suffer. Your sex life becomes regimented, timed, and even awkward. Intimacy with your partner, the person who is supposed to share the burden with you, should never be awkward.
Infertility can cost your self esteem. You lose confidence in yourself as your body continues to fail every cycle. You may have a condition that causes obvious changes to your body. You may have a weight problem, which comes with it's own disgrace. You may have a hormonal imbalance that causes facial hair, acne, skin tags, skin discolorations. You struggle with your physical appearance daily until you just say "screw it. this is as good as it gets".
And of course, there is the financial cost. Intra-Uterine Inseminations can cost between $300-$700 per cycle. In-vitro fertilization can cost anywhere from $5,000 to $17,000 per cycle. Consider that some couples need at least 3 IVF cycles before achieving success. Usually office visits are not covered by insurance and often neither are the medications, or ultrasounds or anything else that may even remotely be "fertility" related. Then there's all of the ovulation predictor kits and all of the pregnancy tests because you know you cant just pee on one stick. You gotta use all of them in the box because "that one might be defective" or "maybe it's just too early", or "wait! is that two lines or just one?" Couples are often left with a loan to pay off, maxed out credit cards, and sometimes still are left childless and heartbroken. The heartache that you must endure feels unbearable most days. You know the commercials that say "Depression Hurts"? Well so does infertility. Like I said, the cost of infertility goes way deeper that just your pocket book.
What are the signs and symptoms? Often there are no signs or symptoms associated with an infertility problem. Listening to your body and getting regular checkups will help to detect a problem. Early detection and treatment of a problem are often critical in achieving successful pregnancy outcomes later.
If you are dealing with infertility, you know exactly what I'm talking about in the title of this blog. For those not dealing with infertility I'll fill you in. The cost is much deeper than your pockets.
The mental strain is, at times, insurmountable. I've spoken in previous blogs about the depression that comes with the territory and is only exacerbated by the side effects of fertility meds. Most of the time you feel like you may lose your mind at any given moment. You have moments where you just wait for someone to say the one thing that will bring you to tears and you are powerless to control their flow. You may lose friends or at least relationships may suffer as you retreat inside your personal pain. You distance yourself from your friends or even family as they all become pregnant and start families of their own. You don't want your jealousy to become so evident that you can't even begin to camouflage it. You can't just call someone up on a Friday night to hang out because your friends need to find a sitter. You may find that it's your friends who distance themselves because they are afraid they may say or do something to upset you, or maybe they're just sick of hearing about your fertility woes. They may be offended when you can't come to their baby shower. You no longer "fit in" with your friends because the conversations are all about what their kids are doing and you feel you have nothing to contribute.
Your relationship with your spouse may suffer. Your sex life becomes regimented, timed, and even awkward. Intimacy with your partner, the person who is supposed to share the burden with you, should never be awkward.
Infertility can cost your self esteem. You lose confidence in yourself as your body continues to fail every cycle. You may have a condition that causes obvious changes to your body. You may have a weight problem, which comes with it's own disgrace. You may have a hormonal imbalance that causes facial hair, acne, skin tags, skin discolorations. You struggle with your physical appearance daily until you just say "screw it. this is as good as it gets".
And of course, there is the financial cost. Intra-Uterine Inseminations can cost between $300-$700 per cycle. In-vitro fertilization can cost anywhere from $5,000 to $17,000 per cycle. Consider that some couples need at least 3 IVF cycles before achieving success. Usually office visits are not covered by insurance and often neither are the medications, or ultrasounds or anything else that may even remotely be "fertility" related. Then there's all of the ovulation predictor kits and all of the pregnancy tests because you know you cant just pee on one stick. You gotta use all of them in the box because "that one might be defective" or "maybe it's just too early", or "wait! is that two lines or just one?" Couples are often left with a loan to pay off, maxed out credit cards, and sometimes still are left childless and heartbroken. The heartache that you must endure feels unbearable most days. You know the commercials that say "Depression Hurts"? Well so does infertility. Like I said, the cost of infertility goes way deeper that just your pocket book.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
NIAW Day 3
Infertility 101:
Who gets it?Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 30% of infertility is due to a female factor and 30% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained.
Have you ever thought about everything that has to take place for a woman to conceive? Most people think man+woman+sex=baby. Well I'm here to testify...that is NOT the case!
Did you know that not every woman's cycle is 28 days long? Did you know that a woman only has a few days out of that cycle where she is fertile? Not only does intercourse have to be timed just right but there are hormones that have to spike/fall at certain times to induce ovulation, support implantation, maintain the pregnancy for at least 9 months. Did you know that if the woman's cervical fluid is not the right consistancy the sperm will get trapped and not make it to the egg that's waiting to be fertilized? (How's THAT for enlightening!?)
I will never understand how someone can look into the face of their child and not acknowledge that there is a God. The miracle that takes place to form a whole new human being from 2 little cells is mind blowing. One little sperm and one little egg meet and grow into a whole new human being with it's own DNA, it's own spirit, it's own separate life. How incredible is that?!?!?
It's amazing to me that from the time those cells meet, the baby's hair color, eye color, height, what diseases that person may be prone to, has all been determined.
Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Who gets it?Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 30% of infertility is due to a female factor and 30% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained.
Have you ever thought about everything that has to take place for a woman to conceive? Most people think man+woman+sex=baby. Well I'm here to testify...that is NOT the case!
Did you know that not every woman's cycle is 28 days long? Did you know that a woman only has a few days out of that cycle where she is fertile? Not only does intercourse have to be timed just right but there are hormones that have to spike/fall at certain times to induce ovulation, support implantation, maintain the pregnancy for at least 9 months. Did you know that if the woman's cervical fluid is not the right consistancy the sperm will get trapped and not make it to the egg that's waiting to be fertilized? (How's THAT for enlightening!?)
I will never understand how someone can look into the face of their child and not acknowledge that there is a God. The miracle that takes place to form a whole new human being from 2 little cells is mind blowing. One little sperm and one little egg meet and grow into a whole new human being with it's own DNA, it's own spirit, it's own separate life. How incredible is that?!?!?
It's amazing to me that from the time those cells meet, the baby's hair color, eye color, height, what diseases that person may be prone to, has all been determined.
Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Monday, April 23, 2012
NIAW Day 2
Infertility 101:
What is infertility?Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages and the woman is under 35 years of age. If the woman is over 35 years old, it is diagnosed after 6 months of unprotected, well-timed intercourse.
My history= I'm almost 36 years old and I've been off of any kind of birth control for 11 years.
I would like to add an addendum to yesterday's post. I want to make sure my friends know that it was in no way meant to point fingers. I know the things that have been said to me were said because you love me and you probably weren't sure what else to say! It's ok. I understand :)
That being said, I figured yesterday was about what not to say so today be would about what TO say/do...
The following is taken from my friend Chani's Blog, with her permission of course. I hate to just copy and paste but what she wrote is just perfect for how you can be a support and encouragement for me.
Please just be there for me. Be patient with me. Let me be angry. Let me have my breakdowns. Let me know that you're going to be there if I need you. If you see me post something on facebook, you don't have to give me advice. Just acknowledge that you see it. Don't ignore it. It hurts more when you don't acknowledge me. I know you don't know what to say, or you're afraid of offending me. So just let me know that you care. Say a prayer for me. Or send me good vibes. Whatever you believe in. Let me know you see me. It means more to me than you know. This is a lonely road. I have my girls that I talk to about it that are going through the same things, and it's nice to talk to people that truly understand. But it's also nice to know that my other friends care. Being positive can be really hard. To know that others care....it helps get through the roughest times.
ASK ME QUESTIONS! Please don't be shy. Honestly, it helps to talk about it. I'm a realist. I don't sugarcoat, so that's a warning. But don't make assumptions. Ask me. I'm an open book. If you have other friends that are going through these types of issues that aren't as open, it's good to have someone who will tell it like it is. But be prepared-hormones and emotions are all over the place. I'm not embarrassed to talk about any of it. If you ask questions, be prepared for a straight answer!
(Thanks Chani! I couldn't have said it better myself!)
Anyone who knows me knows that I've never kept my infertility a secret. I've known since I started having periods that something was wrong and I would have a hard time conceiving. Little did I know just how difficult it would be. I'm thankful for my friends and family who support me and pray for me. I'm thankful for the friends I've met who can speak my heart because unfortunately they are also suffering from infertility. I'm grateful to have someone who knows exactly what I'm feeling and at times can put my feelings into words when I struggle with it.
By the way, a hug will go a long way with me...but beware, I may start crying :)
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Infertility Awareness Week (April 22-28)
Is it sad that I wasn't even aware that this awareness week existed? Oh well...now I know...and now you do too.
I think my biggest campaign for infertility awareness is the etiquette piece. So many well meaning people say some really stupid stuff. I've included a link that will hopefully educate and make you more "aware" :) Infertility Etiquette For Friends and Family
I know it is hard to know what to say to someone who is dealing with infertility. It's probably along the same lines as when you find out someone has terminal cancer with a couple of weeks to live. I mean, what do you say to them?! There are no words of comfort to offer and everything you say is just going to sound really insensitive, uncaring, and yes maybe/probably stupid. From my own personal experience I can tell you what not to say... (in no particular order)
1) "just relax! if you stop thinking about it so much it will happen" Telling a woman with infertility to NOT think about it is like saying "Please ignore the gigantic purple elephant in the corner over there"
2) "have you thought about adoption/IVF?" For me this is just as dumb as when my brother's dog went missing and everyone's first question was "have you checked the pound?" Gee...no...never thought of that! Thank you so much for that suggestion
3) "you've got lots of kids in your life to lead and guide!" Quite frankly, there are days where I don't really care about anyone else's child. I want my own! Sorry if that seems rude but it's how I feel.
4) "you're so young! You don't want a baby now" Bite me. You don't know how "old" my ovaries are. And who the heck are you to be telling me what I want and when I want it
5)"you can have my kids" I don't want your kids. I want MY child/ren
6) "is the problem with you or with him?" Does it really matter?? Fact is, there's a problem and unless you are an infertility specialist, chances are you won't be able to determine a solution based off the source of the "problem"
7) "I am SO SICK of being pregnant" Trust me...when I hear that, it takes every ounce of my being to not slap you upside your head...hard...with a chair. I would give anything/everything to experience what you are "suffering". I want nothing more than to feel the kicks to my insides
Well those are just a few of my experiences...
I'll be posting something every day for Infertility Awareness Week, so check back for an interesting story, personal experience, or tidbit of info.
I think my biggest campaign for infertility awareness is the etiquette piece. So many well meaning people say some really stupid stuff. I've included a link that will hopefully educate and make you more "aware" :) Infertility Etiquette For Friends and Family
I know it is hard to know what to say to someone who is dealing with infertility. It's probably along the same lines as when you find out someone has terminal cancer with a couple of weeks to live. I mean, what do you say to them?! There are no words of comfort to offer and everything you say is just going to sound really insensitive, uncaring, and yes maybe/probably stupid. From my own personal experience I can tell you what not to say... (in no particular order)
1) "just relax! if you stop thinking about it so much it will happen" Telling a woman with infertility to NOT think about it is like saying "Please ignore the gigantic purple elephant in the corner over there"
2) "have you thought about adoption/IVF?" For me this is just as dumb as when my brother's dog went missing and everyone's first question was "have you checked the pound?" Gee...no...never thought of that! Thank you so much for that suggestion
3) "you've got lots of kids in your life to lead and guide!" Quite frankly, there are days where I don't really care about anyone else's child. I want my own! Sorry if that seems rude but it's how I feel.
4) "you're so young! You don't want a baby now" Bite me. You don't know how "old" my ovaries are. And who the heck are you to be telling me what I want and when I want it
5)"you can have my kids" I don't want your kids. I want MY child/ren
6) "is the problem with you or with him?" Does it really matter?? Fact is, there's a problem and unless you are an infertility specialist, chances are you won't be able to determine a solution based off the source of the "problem"
7) "I am SO SICK of being pregnant" Trust me...when I hear that, it takes every ounce of my being to not slap you upside your head...hard...with a chair. I would give anything/everything to experience what you are "suffering". I want nothing more than to feel the kicks to my insides
Well those are just a few of my experiences...
I'll be posting something every day for Infertility Awareness Week, so check back for an interesting story, personal experience, or tidbit of info.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)