Prayer Requested

I feel like so much has been happening that I'm not even sure where to start!  

First, we finally got in to the new house!!  Yay!! We've moved into the new house and spent the last week or so getting the old house "rent ready".  Lots of paint, some new flooring and no less than 10 trips to Lowes and Home Depot.  I'm finally happy with it and comfortable with strangers living in "my" house.  It actually looks really nice now.  Though it  only took 5 sentences to say this, it has taken up 98% of our time for the last 2 weeks or so.

It's been 2 weeks and 2 days since Sweet Pea officially returned to her family.  I met up with her mother at court.  I was unfamiliar with the process so I followed her lead.  She signed in on a clipboard.  I asked the officer sitting there if I needed to sign in as well.  He asked what I was there for and I said " a hearing for my foster daughter".  He said "are the parents here?"  I said "yes that was mom who just signed in".  He scrunched up his face "Did y'all come together??".  I told him that no we just met up in the parking lot.  He says "but still...you guys are here together?  That doesn't usually happen.  I guess that IS in the best interest of the child though..."  You could tell he was totally confused by our amicability.  It saddens me to think that our situation is so unusual.  Why can't parents (foster and bio) work together for the good of the child?!  They aren't property to be won.  They aren't pawns to be toyed with.  I don't understand why it has to be so difficult for some.

We've had the good fortune to be able to see Sweet Pea a couple of times since her return, as she has had a few doctor appointments.  In late August she had her follow up with her pulmonary specialist.  Unfortunately, the follow up chest xray indicated there was still something of concern in her lung.  The pulmonary doctor ordered a chest cat scan to see if we could get a better look at what was going on.  The CT scan was done the day after she returned home to her mom.  Because of my knowledge of her medical history, her mother asked me to go along.  Sweet Pea would need to be sedated and that frightened both of us.  Together we wait as they are prepping to sedate her for the CT.  Her mom holds her while the doctor administers the medication to make her go to sleep.  She drifts off and the doctor takes her, places her limp body on the imaging table and her mom and I both start crying.  It was just a bit much for us.  We went back to the prep room to wait in silence.  I anticipated that it would take up to a week to get the results.  I knew that it wasn't an "urgent" issue and there would likely be no rush.  That afternoon the pulmonary doctor called.  There are cysts in her lungs that take up a good portion of one lung.  They contribute to infection (like all of the respiratory issues she had when she came to us) and if left long term can turn cancerous.  Whoa!  Wait a minute?! CANCEROUS?!? The pulmonary doctor recommended surgical removal as soon as possible (before cold and flu season hits).  Her mom called me.  "What do you think we should do?". I tried very hard to not lead her into me making the decision.  This was her child now and moms have to make decisions like this.  At the same time, I couldn't help but think how scary it must be for her.  She's been a full time mom for less than 24 hours at this point and they're talking about cutting her kid open.  I'd be looking for guidance too!  So we talked and both agreed that we didn't want Sweet Pea to be that sickly kid who gets pneumonia every time the sniffles go around at school nor do we want her to have to endure chemo or radiation later in life should the cysts turn cancerous.  I told her mom "We can always go have the surgical consult and discuss it.  We're not agreeing to the surgery right now.  We're just getting more information and more information doesn't hurt anything".  I offered to go with her again and the next week we met with the surgeon. She explained the cysts were likely something that occurred when Sweet Pea was being formed in the womb.  She reassured her mother "It's nothing you did.  It just happened".  She showed us the scan of Sweet Pea's lung.  When they had said "cysts" I had imagined like little teeny fish egg sized cysts.  Nope...these are full on large grape sized cysts in her little bitty lungs.  They start at the bottom of the lobe and branch up into the upper part of one of her lungs.  The surgical option? Remove 1/2 to 3/4 of the lung.  Um WHAT!?  I thought we were just talking about removing the cysts!!  Now we're talking about removing most of her lung?!?!?  Her mom and I kind of looked at each with the same look of horror and fear.  We both cried.  The surgeon is AMAZING though.  She was so good at explaining what would take place that we really couldn't think of any questions to ask.  I kept wondering if we were missing some aspect.  Removing half a lung...I feel like I should question SOMETHING!  The doctor left the room and gave her mom and I a chance to talk.  We decided we'd go ahead and schedule the surgery.  We wanted it over and done with.  We don't want a ticking time bomb left to go off whenever her body so chooses.  She's young and resilient.  She'll recover more quickly at this age and God willing won't remember much of it (I hope).  We are scared to death. They are cutting our baby open and removing most of one of her vital organs.  We had a hard enough time when they sedated her for the cat scan!! I can only imagine what we'll be like when they take her for surgery.  I remember when Cliff had his lung surgery and what that entailed.  I hate to think of my little Sweet Pea having to endure that.  The doctor said that she would be in the hospital for a minimum of 3 days but we should plan on a week just in case.  Her mom invited both Cliff and I to be there and of course we will be. 

Because of her doctor appointments we've been able to see Sweet Pea once a week since her return home.  I think it's a good transition for all involved.  My job has shifted from being the best mom I can be for Sweet Pea to helping her mother be the best mom she can be.  I've told her that Cliff and I will always be available to help her out (within reason).  If you think of us at all in the coming week, specifically on the 1st, your prayers are greatly desired and appreciated.  

I Miss Her

I miss her SO much. 
During the day, when she's gone to her visits, I can keep myself busy getting stuff ready to move. I can pack or paint or whatever.   Come 8pm when I settle down for the evening and would normally be putting her to bed, is when it hits.  Then when I go to bed and I can't hear her breathing or music in the baby monitor, I begin to cry. Like right this minute, I can't stop. I can barely see to type this out. I would rather stay awake all night than toss and turn in the silence.
Her visits have gone to 4 overnights for the next 2 weeks until court. Basically,  we get her for this next weekend (just the 2 days) then pending the outcome of court she'll return to her family. 
The silence is deafening.  Her absence is heartbreaking and most painful. How do foster parents do this multiple times? !
We talk about her almost as if she has died. "Remember when she..." or "just the other day she....". We laugh.  We cry. We miss her so very much.
We signed papers for the new house today. We lamented about how Sweet Pea wouldn't be able to move to the new house with us.  Tonight,  as I sit missing her,  I wonder if that's better for her.  Will it make transition easier for her if she comes to visit us in the new house rather than coming back the house that she lived in for so long?  Will the change of scenery be less confusing for her...or more confusing?  I don't know.
All I know is right now my arms are empty. ..again. My heart is sad...again. I'm crying myself to sleep...again.
I know there are so many kids in foster care who need a loving, safe place to stay but I really don't know how many times I can do this. I knew this would be hard but you never know just how difficult until you're in the midst of it.
Is the pain worth it? Dare I say? Absolutely.

The Dance

I knew the day would come. Unfortunately,  that doesn't make this any easier.  We knew going in to this that Sweet Pea wouldn't be staying forever and now the time is upon us for her return home.  Of course, we're grateful that she is able to go home but our hearts and our home now have a void that just can't be explained.
When I was in high school, Garth Brooks had a song called "The Dance ".  Not until recently have the lyrics been echoing through my mind.
I could have gone this past 18 months without the "joys" of parenthood like teething,  sleepless nights, frightening trips to the urgent care, breathing treatments,  diaper rashes, etc. But then I would've had to miss my first mother's day,  first family portraits, planning the first birthday party and the first time putting out cookies for Santa.  I could have gone the rest of my life without scooping poop out of the tub...twice, but then I might have missed all the fun of soapy hairdos,  bubble beards, and her giggles when she would splash me or pour water on my head.  I could have gone without the pain of packing up her little suitcase but I would have missed out on all the shopping for cute little pink frilly outfits. I could've done without packing up all of her toys and books but then I would've missed out on all the block towers built and all the stories we read together.

I could have gone the rest of my life never knowing the heartache of saying " goodbye" to her but I would have missed the immeasurable joy of saying " hi" to her one April evening.

I could've missed the pain but then I'd have had to miss the dance.

Brief Update

A couple of updates from today...

1) Sweet Pea had a follow up appointment with her pulmonary doctor today. For those not aware, she had severe respiratory problems when she came to us.  At an appointment last November,  she had a chest xray that showed an abnormality.  It was thought to be scar tissue from all the respiratory infections, some sort of cyst or  possibly a genetic anomaly that she was born with.  At the time, the doctor felt safe waiting to follow up in 9 months which brings us to today.   Sweet Pea had another xray today that indicated there's been no improvement.  The problem is if there's a cyst of some sort it can get infected and lead to serious problems. It would need to be surgically removed.  The doctor has recommended a cat scan of her chest to try determine more clearly what is in her lung.  She will need to be sedated for this which frightens the crap out of me! Please pray that the cat scan will give definitive answers and that whatever is in her lung  will not require surgery.
Sweet Pea update #2
Things are definitely on track for her to return to her family very soon. We met with the social worker today and the date we've been given is between September 10 and 12th approximately. Yes I've been crying most of the afternoon.  Yes I will likely burst into tears if you give me the "I'm sorry" look or if you hug me. This is your fair warning.

Prayers are greatly appreciated for the coming weeks as we face the challenge of letting her go.

God Is Greater

When I say we've had a lot going on lately, I mean it.  I don't mean "boy today was busy. I had to do laundry AND dishes today".  Our lives have been crazy busy with a LOT of major life events....and they're all happening at once.
Let's see...since my last writing we had a mini family reunion with my cousins from Alaska.  It was a lot of fun to hang out and visit.  I was sad to see them go.  There's been talk of making it an annual thing so I look forward to seeing them next summer too!
We finally found a house!!  My mind has been swirling with organizing things financially so we can afford to move and I've also been mentally organizing things as I pack and unpack (mentally) and decide what to take and where to put stuff in the new house.  This has literally kept me awake at night.  We've decided to rent out our current home so our mind set has changed from selling the house "AS IS" to doing minor repairs needed in order to rent it out.
In addition to buying a new house and moving, another major life event has occurred and my mother in law has been diagnosed with multiple myeloma, cancer of the blood cells.  It was likely brought on by all the chemo and radiation she had the last time she had cancer about 10 years ago.  The initial diagnosis was very difficult for all of us as we were not sure of the prognosis.  However, we are more hopeful now as she is doing chemo to help treat it.  All of the kids have split the chores (housecleaning, yard work, etc) and take turns taking her to doctor appointments, trying to help her out.  Please keep her (and us!) in your prayers.

Next...Sweet Pea.... Her transition home is going smoothly (so far).  She has 2 overnight visits a week with her family and it seems to be going well.  It won't be long before she is home with her family permanently.  Although this is what being a foster parent is and this is what we strive for, our hearts are broken that we are "losing" our little girl.  Every time I drop her off for her visit, it is all I can do to make it to the car before I start bawling.  This week, as I dropped her off for her 2 night visit, I started bawling before her mother had even made it to the front door.  Then I cried the whole time I did dishes once I got home, and if I took too long of a break from packing.  The house is so quiet when she's not here.  I've known the quiet of a childless home for too long and do not look forward to that again.  When she is here, there is literally the pitter patter of little feet as she's discovered the awesome sound her feet make as she stomps them on the hardwoods.  She's filled our lives with so much laughter and joy.  She is truly a "Daddy's girl".  She knows Cliff would move heaven and earth for her.  I think she loves having him wrapped around her little finger.

In addition to losing our Sweet Pea, I cry for another little girl.  A couple of weeks ago we received a call from our agency about a baby who had been born prematurely whose mother wanted to relinquish her rights.  At the time of the call, the baby was 3 days old, 3.2lbs and in the NICU at the hospital.  Since we had told our agency that we wanted the next child we take to be one that we can adopt, and since Sweet Pea will be transitioning home soon, they called us.  With heavy hearts, we felt we had to say no.  Our reasons sound so lame as I type them out (buying the house, moving, mom's diagnosis and doctor's appointments, Sweet Pea transitioning home), but these are all major things going on in our lives.  I don't know where I would've been able to fit in trips to the NICU to visit this baby.  If you know me, you KNOW how hard it was for me to say no to a baby who is having such a rough start to life.  I just know I could love her to health.  It kills me to think of this baby "unwanted" in an incubator somewhere.  I have to trust that there was another family meant to have her and can devote the time and attention she needs right now and not in a month when I would have a little less going on.  I think about her every day and wonder how she is doing.

It has been a really rough couple of weeks for me.  I'm either on the verge of tears or crying all the time lately.  I struggle to remember that I don't have to do it all, I don't have to do it alone and I don't have to save the world.  It breaks my heart but it's ok that we said no.  I know God has a plan for us.  He has  plan for Sweet Pea and for that little baby in the NICU.  My God is greater than my pain and heartache.

Some days I feel like I'm barely holding it together and some (most) days I just can't and I cry....and that's ok too.

Thin Line Between Love and Hate

Let's see...it's been a couple weeks.  Guess I should put out an update ;)

We still haven't found THE house.  We've gone and looked at a few and are pretty certain of what we DON'T want in a house!  It's so frustrating at times.  It's like when I would get money for my birthday and go shopping for new clothes.  If I didn't have money I could find things for daaaaays that I would want to add to my wardrobe.  Got money?  Nothing fits or I can't find anything I like.  Same thing with the house hunt.  The floor plans I'm drawn to are of houses built on a piece of land the size of a postage stamp.  The houses in our price range are not the floor plan I want.  Is it too much to ask for a nice house on a nice little piece of land?  I don't need acres of property but come on.  One house we looked at, the back yard consisted of the patio and a medium sized swingset.  That's it.  No grass in between the two.  It'd be nice to have a little bit of a yard to play games, have friends over, whatever.  The good news is we're not homeless so we can afford to be picky when it comes to a new house.  I guess again, my patience will be tested.

Now...the whole foster parent thing... Some days I really struggle with what that means.  As far as my heart is concerned, I am Sweet Pea's mom.  I stayed up all hours of the night when she was so sick.  There were nights when I listened for her breathing because I was so scared it would stop, trips to the doctor and ER, medications tracked and dispensed, snotty noses and poopy butts to be wiped, tears to be wiped away and hugs to be given, oh and teething, Lord we can't forget about the teething!  I've been there for all of that.  I've done all the things that moms do....but I'm not her mother.  I'm taking care of her until her mother gets back on her feet.  My head knows this but in my heart she'll always be MY little girl. There has been progress and Sweet Pea will soon begin having overnight visits with her family.  This is both wonderful and frightening for me.  I am so happy that her mother is making this progress. I am happy that it looks like there will be reunification.  That is the job of the foster parent, to take care of the child until reunification or some sort of reconciliation happens.   At times, I want to hate her mother, but really I feel sorry for her.  I want to be judgmental and hate her for what Sweet Pea has gone through and what she'll have to go through with the transition home.  At the same time, my heart breaks for this woman who is having to deal with the fact that someone else is doing all the "mom things" with her child.  It saddens me that her mother was reminded, "You'll need to brace yourself for when she stays the night and might cry for mommy...you are not who she is crying for".  It breaks my heart to 1) think of how that must feel for her, for her child to call another woman mommy and 2) to think of Sweet Pea crying for mommy and me not being there for her.  I want to hate her for that, but for Sweet Pea's sake I need to love her.  I need to love her and show her Jesus' love for her.  I need to show compassion and understanding. I feel like so many people have made assumptions about her mother and this path we are all on.  I had one doctor refer to Sweet Pea as a "little crack baby".  That is NOT accurate at all. She is not the reason Sweet Pea was so sick when she came to us.  It's wrong to assume that Sweet Pea is a "drug baby" and her mother does not deserve to get her back.

I guess God has always blessed (cursed?) me with a love and compassion for people.  I've always been tenderhearted.  I will cry with you even if I don't know why you're crying.  I will love you and care about you even when given reasons not to.  So I guess I have that going for me in my struggle as a foster parent.  I hope it will make this a littler easier and pray that I can show her mother love, compassion, and give her the support she needs as she takes over parenting Sweet Pea.  I'm grateful for all the support of our friends and family as we look to the day when Sweet Pea goes home.  We'll need it more than you know. I fear it will be the greatest challenge I've ever faced.

Mother's Day And Other Things

May 11, 2014 Mother's Day...my second one!  There were lots of tears again.  I guess it's just not in the cards for me to NOT cry on Mother's Day!  I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mom and parent this little girl that God has brought into our lives for this season.  She is a hoot!  We had a really good day together.  First of all Baby Girl was healthy this year!  No all night in the steamy bathroom.  No nebulizer every 4 hours.  We both got a full night of sleep!  It was great! We went to church where we both cried...she cried when I left her in the nursery and I cried throughout the service.  After church we went to brunch with the Grandmas.  It was really nice to be able to enjoy the day and not have to worry about breathing issues....makes all the difference in the world.  Later, while Sweet Pea played, giggling with her daddy, as I heard the pitter patter of her little bare feet on the hardwood, I cried again.  These are the moments I treasure, the sounds I've longed for.  It was a wonderful day :)

I started this blog initially to address what it's like living with PCOS.  I kind of got away from that when the focus of my life changed.  I still live with PCOS of course and it's been a rough couple of weeks.  I've been in pain quite often from the ovarian cysts and extremely irritable, just ask Cliff.  My biggest frustration, in addition to the pain and irritability, is probably one of the most taboo subjects related to PCOS...hirsutism, or in lay terms unwanted hair growth.  This is growing hair in places that men typically have excess hair (chest, face, back).  Few things make you feel as un-feminine as having to deal with facial and chest hair.  I don't mean like that one random chin hair that you pluck once a month or weekly and you're done with it.  I'm talking full on man beard you deal with every day.  (I can't believe I'm actually discussing this. It's so embarrassing!) I've tried so many things to get rid of it and nothing is effective.  There are pills you can take that will slow down the growth a little.  I'll be talking to my doctor soon about that.  It was never an option before because I was trying to get pregnant and you shouldn't take that medication if pregnant.  It only slows down the growth though.  I'd love to try laser removal but that's a little out of my price range right now.  It's so frustrating, irritating, embarrassing...pick your adjective.  It affects my self esteem, as if the weight problem wasn't enough.  I am super self conscious about even kissing my husband for fear he can feel the stubble...ugh, i mean c'mon...that is so not sexy!  Remember that someone with PCOS is dealing with a LOT that you may not see.  We live with pain, mood swings, and man beards.  Many days we don't feel beautiful or even slightly pretty.  We're more prone to depression because of the hormone issues and the things that happen with our bodies that we have little to no control over.   Anyhoooo...that's my PCOS PSA for today.

Soooo let's see....what else is going on.... Oh, we're house hunting!  We want to get a bigger house. We're thinking about getting licensed to be able to take more that one foster child.  Some days I think we've lost our minds as Sweet Pea reminds me daily that I'm not getting any younger.  My reasoning is this-  We cannot adopt Sweet Pea.  At this moment in time she is not eligible for adoption.  As long as she is in our care (which has already been twice as long as we were first told) we are not able to take a foster child that we COULD potentially adopt.  This doesn't mean that we can't adopt a child if you knew of someone *hint, hint*, but we can't take in another foster child that may eventually need a forever home.  So we need more bedrooms!  Let the house  hunting begin!  Woohoo!

Update on Sweet Pea- Basically there's still nothing to report.  Her visits with her family have increased but that's about it.  I'm almost positive she will return home and it will be sooner than I'm prepared for.  I cry at random times thinking about her leaving us.  When her visit supervisor picked her up the other day, she walked to the car herself, holding the hand of the visit supervisor.  About halfway across the yard she stopped and turned around, blew me a kiss and said "Bye-Bye".  My mind flashed to the day when she does that, not realizing that she's not coming back and I started bawling.  I wonder how I'll deal with her return home.

She's so stinking smart.  Most kids her age have about a 10-15 word vocabulary.  She is up to 30+ words and phrases.  Her favorite words are Daddy, bird, and Allie (our dog).  She usually gets to feed the fish with Daddy when he gets home.  One day he started without her.  She went running to the other room saying "Daaaaddy, what doing!?"  She loves to "read" her books oh and her new favorite pastime is playing in the toilet *gross*.  She loves to be outside and loves playing with bubbles. She can be very mischievous and I'm pretty sure she thinks my favorite word is "no-no".

If you are willing would you please include us in your prayers?
Please pray for

•  us to find the right house
• strength as we face her transition home
• her continued health (no respiratory problems since Nov!  We'd like for it to stay that way!)

Happy Anniversary

One year ago today my greatest,  most unattainable dream finally came true.  It was a long, so very long, hard, roller coaster of a ride to get there. Years of expensive infertility treatments,  years of just waiting to see if it would happen then as my husband says "boy ya sign a few papers and they just hand you a kid".  Of course it wasn't quite that easy but that's basically what happened. To read about the day we brought Sweet Pea home click here. 

 

Obviously, I haven't been blogging as much.  Sweet Pea keeps me pretty busy.  Let me see if I can catch you up.  A few days before Christmas, our little Sweet Pea turned 1!  I got to make decorations and party favors and a smash cake...and it was awesome.  It was so nice to be able to celebrate with our family.  She was shown so much love and so spoiled!!

 

 

 

Then we celebrated Christmas and I finally had a chance to put out the plate of cookies for Santa...and I cried.  Something so simple but meant so much to me.

 

We got to spend Christmas morning watching her open the TON of presents and she had a blast.  It took forever because how do you explain to a one year old that you can't play with the toy you just opened because you have to open these other packages? Again, we loved every moment.  We had waited a looooooong time to be able to experience that and we just soaked it in.

 

So that brings us to *checks calendar*...holy cow we're in April already.  If you remember, we were only supposed to have her for 6-9 months.  Here we are, a year later.  I wish I had more of an update but not a whole lot has changed.  We still anticipate that she will return to her family which we both dread and look forward to.  We want for there to be reunification if that proves to be in her best interest.  We are so very grateful for this year that we've had where we were able to parent her.  It was so very hard in the beginning since she was so sick.  I would like to say it's easier now that she's healthy but now she's so active and just in to everything ;)  She's so much fun.  Her little personality is starting to show.  She talks up a storm.  She loves books and our cat Max.  She was recently evaluated by the Step Ahead program and at 15 months she tested at 17-18 months in all categories with the exception of her "expressive communication" aka her vocabulary, where she tested at 23 months.  We are so proud of her and the progress she's made.  Sometimes she's too smart for her own good but we love watching her blossom into such a beautiful, intelligent girl.  She's the light of our lives.  We love her so very much and are so very grateful for this last year that we got to spend with her.