If you live in America, you know that this week we celebrated Thanksgiving. Some people think it's a day marking a time in history of mass genocide, celebrated by gluttony and waste. To me, it's a day that I get to spend with family I may not otherwise see, eating food I don't usually get to eat. It's time set aside that I might not otherwise prioritize for. Though I'm thankful every day, this is a time where I focus on all of God's blessings.
I always get a little nostalgic around the holidays, so if you'll indulge me. This past year has been amazing for me. In April, my dream of being a mom was realized. It didn't happen the way I'd always hoped and dreamed of. God had better plans. In September, I was able to quit my job, where I made a very good wage doing work I loved. My dream of being able to stay home to care for a child had finally come true. To say that I am thankful for these events is a gargantuan understatement.
Every day, I am thankful for my husband. He loves me (the good, the bad, and the ugly), takes care of me, spoils me. He provides for my needs and wants and supports me in following my dreams. Without him the previously mentioned life events would not have happened. I'm so glad he said yes when I asked him out 19 years ago and thankful I said yes when he asked me to be his wife 11 months later.
Every day, I am thankful for the little girl God has entrusted to us for this time in our lives. Every morning when I go to get her out of her crib, she greets me with squeals and smiles. Even though it seems she's always sick (right now we're dealing with hand/foot/mouth disease), I would rather have a baby who may get sick easily than have no child at all. I am thankful that this year, my husband and I were able to go to ToysRUs and buy Christmas gifts for our kiddo. Did we go overboard? Most likely. Did we have a blast doing it? Definitely. I'm so thankful we had a baby to buy for this year. I finally get to see a little one opening gifts on Christmas morning. I finally get to experience the joy and wonderment of the holidays thru the eyes of a child. For the first time in well over 25 years, I'll put out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for Santa. These are things that some people take for granted that I've yearned for years. I am so very grateful that God saw my sorrow and heartache and was merciful to bless us with a child.
So very grateful
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Things I've Learned As A (Foster) Parent
Since becoming a (foster) parent on April 9, 2013 I have learned a few things. Thought I'd share in case you need to know or be reminded.
Listed in no particular order-
• It is unlikely that what you had envisioned your life as a parent to be will be reality.
• Your house will not be as clean as you thought and it will seem there are less than 24 hours in a day.
• Laundry, dishes and other chores will always be there. Your child may not be. Spend time with them.
• Shaving, conditioning, and sometimes even shampooing are not necessities and will likely not happen.
• Never pass up the opportunity to tell your child that they are loved, beautiful, important, unique, special etc.
• you will never again go to the bathroom. From now on, you're "going potty" and you will never do it alone again
• There is nothing that smells as amazing as a baby fresh out of the bath
• a baby leaning in for a headbutt looks exactly the same as a baby leaning in to give eskimo kisses-it is impossible to differentiate between the two
• it doesn't matter how sick you are, you will never feel as bad as when the baby catches your cold
• it's amazing how things that seem insignificant can mean so much...that tiny toothbrush in the holder next to yours or that third jack o'lantern on the porch means your life will never be the same
• the floor never creaks as much as it does after you finally get the baby to sleep
• it is impossible to love a child "just a little bit"
• evidently nipples make great handles and testicles apparently are prime targets for babies and clearly babies have their own point system
• quitting my job to be a stay at home mom was the best decision we've ever made
• it is vital to live in the moment. Though our language has changed from "if she goes back" to "when she goes back", that time hasn't come yet and I can't mourn when there's still so much living to do.
Though I'm sure that I have learned many more things they don't come to mind right now. Since I learn new things nearly every day from this little girl, this blog will likely have a "part 2".
Off to live in the moment!
God bless!
Monday, October 21, 2013
Picture This
It's 10:30pm. I'm sick, sitting holding my also sick, almost 10 month old baby girl. I am tired and feverish. Her fever has broken and she has clearly gained her second wind. I'm rocking her trying to get her to go to sleep, to no avail. She looks at me, starts wiggling and making her silly faces. I start to get frustrated and she calms for a moment. She gives a little giggle, a smile and gently touching my cheek, looks me in the face and says in the sweetest voice I have ever heard, "mom-mom"....and I start to cry. Not just the gentle, sweet single tear but full on boohoo sobbing. I waited so very long for someone to call me that. Was she trying to manipulate me so I wouldnt put her down? Eh, maybe. I don't care! As frustrating as bedtime has recently become, I would not trade it for anything.
I know that all too soon, unless God intervenes, she will return to her birth family. At this point, everything is on track for that to happen. Her family visits have recently increased to 2 4-hour visits per week. The first day she was gone that long I sat and cried for most of that time. The house was so extremely quiet without her here. I don't want to know what that is like on a long term basis.
I know that once she leaves there will be another child who needs us. Sadly there is a foster care crisis and there are nowhere near enough homes for the children in the system. I wondered if it would be different if we only took short term placements. Can I love them enough and show them God's love without falling in love with them?? The less time they're with us is good right? We wont have time to fall in love with them. I talked to Cliff and asked what he thought. He said thay we are all or nothing people. We wont be able to help but fall in love with a child put into our care, the instant they are placed in our arms. If becoming a foster parent has taught me anything it's that you can not effectively parent a child without loving them completely. There's a few other things this experience has taught me but that is a blog for another day.
I love this little girl completely. I would love to be able to parent her until my dying day. I don't know if that will happen. What I do know is that we are living each day in the moment. I dont know exactly how long she'll be with us. I'm hesitant to plan a birthday party for her because I dont know if we'll be able to celebrate with her. I dont know if we'll be able to be involved with her after she goes back to her birth family. She may never know she was in foster care and most likely will not remember us.
I really do not want to spend the rest of our time together crying and lamenting (although that may happen). So today, we'll celebrate and love like it's our last day together...and if we're blessed, we'll wake up and do it again tomorrow.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Just Putting It Out There
When we went in to foster care it was our intention that we would open our home to a child who needed a loving, stable home until we could adopt them permanently. The thing with the foster care system is it is usually the plan for the child to return to their birthparents/family. This re-unification process can take a long time. You could also find yourself in a situation like ours where we knew from the get-go that we would not be able to adopt Sweet Pea. In my mind, we would get the call for that one abandoned child that would be eligible for adoption, free and clear. Now, having done this for a bit, I know that is very unlikely to happen...not improbable, but we could be waiting a while.
I say all of that to say this...pursuing a private adoption can be done while we are providing foster care for a child. All of the classes and homestudies we had done to become licensed foster parents can be used for adoption. Just because we have Sweet Pea doesn't mean that we can't also be searching for a birthmom. Should the chance to adopt Sweet Pea come our way we'd love to have a sibling for her!
Now I say THAT to say THIS...I'm just gonna put this out there. If you know of someone who is looking for a good, loving, Christian home for a child that they know they won't be able to parent, please let us know. There's always the chance that a friend of a friend of a friend may be considering putting their child up for adoption. We would love to provide the forever home that child needs. While we feel that God has brought us to this place of providing foster care as a ministry, we don't want our desire to adopt a child to fall by the wayside. I don't want our friends and family to think "Oh they have a kid they're taking care of, they wouldn't want this one". Please keep us in mind if you hear of anything. We will not be offended by any suggestions or offers. We've always been very open and honest about our circumstances and I don't want anyone thinking they can't bring up the subject. By all means, BRING IT UP!! I'm open to just about anything and would love to tell our child that you were an intricate part to them becoming a part of our family forever. :)
I say all of that to say this...pursuing a private adoption can be done while we are providing foster care for a child. All of the classes and homestudies we had done to become licensed foster parents can be used for adoption. Just because we have Sweet Pea doesn't mean that we can't also be searching for a birthmom. Should the chance to adopt Sweet Pea come our way we'd love to have a sibling for her!
Now I say THAT to say THIS...I'm just gonna put this out there. If you know of someone who is looking for a good, loving, Christian home for a child that they know they won't be able to parent, please let us know. There's always the chance that a friend of a friend of a friend may be considering putting their child up for adoption. We would love to provide the forever home that child needs. While we feel that God has brought us to this place of providing foster care as a ministry, we don't want our desire to adopt a child to fall by the wayside. I don't want our friends and family to think "Oh they have a kid they're taking care of, they wouldn't want this one". Please keep us in mind if you hear of anything. We will not be offended by any suggestions or offers. We've always been very open and honest about our circumstances and I don't want anyone thinking they can't bring up the subject. By all means, BRING IT UP!! I'm open to just about anything and would love to tell our child that you were an intricate part to them becoming a part of our family forever. :)
Monday, September 30, 2013
Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged
How many times have you been in the check out line at the grocery store and had that person in front of you dressed to the nines, hair professionally done, nails professionally done with the newest smartphone out there, using WIC coupons? I know I used to get so bugged that my hard earned money was being taxed for them to squander their funds and require state assistance. It never once dawned on me that they could be a foster parent, caring for a child that someone had neglected or abused. I never once stopped to think that maybe there was more to the story than what it appeared to be. The thought never crossed my mind until I was the one using the coupons. I try to go to the store on an "off" time so it's not as crowded. I do this for 2 reasons... 1) using the coupons is a pain in the butt. Each coupon is for a "batch" of items and have to be done in separate transactions. For instance I get about 6 different coupons for Sweet Pea. These 6 coupons purchase 6 cans of formula, 2 boxes of cereal, and 32 jars of baby food. Why that can't all be listed on one coupon is beyond me. So there I am in line with my "regular" purchase and my additional 6 transactions. 2) I feel like I'm being judged because of the way I'm dressed (whether dressed up or not) and using the coupons. Are they really giving me dirty looks or is that just my perception? Because I used to be so judgmental I feel like maybe everyone around me is judging me for using them. I always feel like I have to justify my usage and say things like "Yeah, my foster daughter sure eats a lot"...Like I owe them an explanation for me using them?? The only thing I suppose I should feel badly about is the multiple transactions. Yes, I am *that* person that holds up the line but seriously would YOU want to make 6 different trips to the store (Walmart because they're the only ones who stock enough of her special formula) to get 8 little jars of baby food at a time??!! Maybe if Walmart had more than 3 check outs going at any given time of the day I might make more trips...but it's doubtful.
Being a foster parent has taught me to think about things a little differently....and maybe now you'll think a little differently the next time you're in the check out line behind someone like me ;)
Being a foster parent has taught me to think about things a little differently....and maybe now you'll think a little differently the next time you're in the check out line behind someone like me ;)
Monday, September 16, 2013
Long Time No Blog
Hi...Remember me? Sorry it's been a while since my last post. I've been...uh...busy. I've been busy with diaper changes, baths, bottles, doctors appointments....loooooooots of doctor's appointments, and cuddles...looooooooots of cuddles. I have loved every minute of being a mom, even the hard minutes of breathing treatments and antibiotics. In the last 4 1/2 months the baby has had RSV twice, Pneumonia at least twice possibly 3 times, bronchiolitis twice, and 2 ear infections. It's been very challenging but she's finally doing really well. She had an appointment with her pulmonary doctor today and he said she's doing great! She's 26 1/2 inches tall and weighs 16lbs 10.8 oz!
So, ready for some happy updates?! When baby came to us she was on seizure medication because her previous foster mom had reported "seizure activity" but could never get documentation (video) of said activity. On August 9th Sweet Pea had a "100% normal EEG" and the Doctor said we could start weaning her off of the medication! Yay!! She took her last dose last Monday on my first day home with her. Which brings me to happy news #2!
All of my life, all I've ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom. That was only emphasized when we got Sweet Pea. It killed me to leave her for 8+ hours per day knowing we'll only have her for a few more months. I don't want to miss anything with her. My husband and I talked about what it would take for me to be able to quit my job. When we got Sweet Pea, I split our finances up just to see if we could live off of Cliff's income alone. Time showed we could. We'd have to cut back on some things but we could make it work. Then my husband got a raise! We discussed it in more detail because it looked like after all this time and me always talking about "when I get to stay home..." I was actually going to get to quit my job and raise babies!! Around the same time, there were changes that were going to be taking place with my job and my boss kept talking about "we'll have you on this work group" and "we'll send you to this class/meeting/etc". I didn't feel it was right to keep my boss in the dark about my intentions to leave when she kept making references about my future in my current position. So I ended up giving about a 6 week notice instead of the customary 2 weeks. I have not been happier. Last week was my first full week as a stay at home mom. I got absolutely nothing accomplished and loved every second.
I am SO very grateful for my husband who is willing to take the responsibility for being the sole financial supporter for our family. I'm grateful that it is as important to him as it is to me to stay home with our kids. I'm grateful he loves me enough to help make my dream a reality.
I'll be honest...I never thought I could ever possibly be this happy. NEVER in my life has anything gone the way I'd dreamed or imagined it. Other than meeting NKOTB, none of my dreams have ever become a reality until now. I've never been this happy with my life. It's such a foreign feeling. Am I allowed to be this happy? When is the other shoe going to drop? I picture myself walking in an open field and a piano falling out of the sky and landing directly on me. At my funeral, people will shake their head and say "it was the darndest thing. outta frikkin nowhere a piano BAM!!! Just when everything was going so good for her". Nah, I'll not look a gift horse in the mouth. I'll take this joy with me every day for the rest of my life. Even on rough days, I'll remember what it was like for someone to call me "Mom-mom" and smile from the depths of my soul.
Now that I'm not working hopefully I'll be able to blog a little more often. Lots of changes will be coming our way as things are lined up for Sweet Pea to transition to her home, wherever that may be. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated because when the time comes, Cliff and I will need the support. We've grown to love her SO MUCH that it will rip our hearts out when she leaves. We can use all the support and prayer our friends can offer.
Thank you all for your support up to this point! We really appreciate everything :)
So, ready for some happy updates?! When baby came to us she was on seizure medication because her previous foster mom had reported "seizure activity" but could never get documentation (video) of said activity. On August 9th Sweet Pea had a "100% normal EEG" and the Doctor said we could start weaning her off of the medication! Yay!! She took her last dose last Monday on my first day home with her. Which brings me to happy news #2!
All of my life, all I've ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom. That was only emphasized when we got Sweet Pea. It killed me to leave her for 8+ hours per day knowing we'll only have her for a few more months. I don't want to miss anything with her. My husband and I talked about what it would take for me to be able to quit my job. When we got Sweet Pea, I split our finances up just to see if we could live off of Cliff's income alone. Time showed we could. We'd have to cut back on some things but we could make it work. Then my husband got a raise! We discussed it in more detail because it looked like after all this time and me always talking about "when I get to stay home..." I was actually going to get to quit my job and raise babies!! Around the same time, there were changes that were going to be taking place with my job and my boss kept talking about "we'll have you on this work group" and "we'll send you to this class/meeting/etc". I didn't feel it was right to keep my boss in the dark about my intentions to leave when she kept making references about my future in my current position. So I ended up giving about a 6 week notice instead of the customary 2 weeks. I have not been happier. Last week was my first full week as a stay at home mom. I got absolutely nothing accomplished and loved every second.
I am SO very grateful for my husband who is willing to take the responsibility for being the sole financial supporter for our family. I'm grateful that it is as important to him as it is to me to stay home with our kids. I'm grateful he loves me enough to help make my dream a reality.
I'll be honest...I never thought I could ever possibly be this happy. NEVER in my life has anything gone the way I'd dreamed or imagined it. Other than meeting NKOTB, none of my dreams have ever become a reality until now. I've never been this happy with my life. It's such a foreign feeling. Am I allowed to be this happy? When is the other shoe going to drop? I picture myself walking in an open field and a piano falling out of the sky and landing directly on me. At my funeral, people will shake their head and say "it was the darndest thing. outta frikkin nowhere a piano BAM!!! Just when everything was going so good for her". Nah, I'll not look a gift horse in the mouth. I'll take this joy with me every day for the rest of my life. Even on rough days, I'll remember what it was like for someone to call me "Mom-mom" and smile from the depths of my soul.
Now that I'm not working hopefully I'll be able to blog a little more often. Lots of changes will be coming our way as things are lined up for Sweet Pea to transition to her home, wherever that may be. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated because when the time comes, Cliff and I will need the support. We've grown to love her SO MUCH that it will rip our hearts out when she leaves. We can use all the support and prayer our friends can offer.
Thank you all for your support up to this point! We really appreciate everything :)
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Happy Mother's Day Indeed!
On Sunday, May 12, 2013, I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. I'm still overwhelmed by God's goodness.
The day started off a little rough. Sweet Pea had a lot of congestion (STILL) and cough going on and was having a difficult time breathing. The night before, she and I sat in the bathroom with the shower steaming away until we were both sweating and our hair frizzed out. She thought it was great fun to sit on the edge of the tub playing with the shower curtain while I sweated my butt off sitting on the floor holding her. After a night filled with a steamy bathroom, breathing treatments, bulb suctioning and rocking, she actually slept fairly well. I on the other hand only got about 2 hours of sleep. We ran out of albuterol and Cliff woke up about the time she was due for another treatment. I handed off the baby and ran to the drugstore to get a refill. Given the night we had, I wasn't sure we'd make it to church. Baby was feeling better but momma was dragggggggggiiiiiiiiinnnngggg! (Did I mention that I've been sick with a cold all week?) I did NOT want to miss my first mother's day activities! My mom was coming to church with us. We had a BBQ at my brother's house afterwards. I decided NOTHING was going to keep me from experiencing everything about the day. I didn't want to miss a thing.
We made it to church! My favorite hymn is "Because He Lives". I've loved that song for years. Going through all of our infertility stuff and the depression and hardships that came along with it, I wondered how I would be able to face another day. I can face tomorrow, because HE lives. Because He lives, all fear is gone. I often cried (like every....single....time) on the second verse of that song..."How sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy he gives". I was always saddened and fearful that I would never know that feeling. On Sunday, as I stood in church, holding my little girl in her pretty purple dress, we began singing that song. I made it through the first verse but come the second verse? Wait! What is that?? Oh yes here comes the ugly cry! I stood there holding my "newborn" baby, smelling that heavenly baby smell, feeling all the pride and joy in the world...something I never thought I'd get the chance to experience and i began sobbing. I couldn't believe that everything I'd gone through had finally lead to this moment. I never gave up and God was gracious to bless us with this beautiful little girl.
After church we headed to my brother's house and got to spend the day with beloved family and friends. I loved seeing my little niece so attentive to the baby. She would hold the bottle, cover the baby up with her blanket, bounce her in the bouncy seat, pat the top of her head. She's so fascinated by her. I think she's ready to be a big sister ;)
We went home and I was exhausted. I sat in the recliner while Daddy took care of baby for a bit, catching up on all of the well wishes, texts, facebook posts and cards I'd received throughout the day. I sat drinking from my saucer because my cup had overflowed.
The day started off a little rough. Sweet Pea had a lot of congestion (STILL) and cough going on and was having a difficult time breathing. The night before, she and I sat in the bathroom with the shower steaming away until we were both sweating and our hair frizzed out. She thought it was great fun to sit on the edge of the tub playing with the shower curtain while I sweated my butt off sitting on the floor holding her. After a night filled with a steamy bathroom, breathing treatments, bulb suctioning and rocking, she actually slept fairly well. I on the other hand only got about 2 hours of sleep. We ran out of albuterol and Cliff woke up about the time she was due for another treatment. I handed off the baby and ran to the drugstore to get a refill. Given the night we had, I wasn't sure we'd make it to church. Baby was feeling better but momma was dragggggggggiiiiiiiiinnnngggg! (Did I mention that I've been sick with a cold all week?) I did NOT want to miss my first mother's day activities! My mom was coming to church with us. We had a BBQ at my brother's house afterwards. I decided NOTHING was going to keep me from experiencing everything about the day. I didn't want to miss a thing.
We made it to church! My favorite hymn is "Because He Lives". I've loved that song for years. Going through all of our infertility stuff and the depression and hardships that came along with it, I wondered how I would be able to face another day. I can face tomorrow, because HE lives. Because He lives, all fear is gone. I often cried (like every....single....time) on the second verse of that song..."How sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy he gives". I was always saddened and fearful that I would never know that feeling. On Sunday, as I stood in church, holding my little girl in her pretty purple dress, we began singing that song. I made it through the first verse but come the second verse? Wait! What is that?? Oh yes here comes the ugly cry! I stood there holding my "newborn" baby, smelling that heavenly baby smell, feeling all the pride and joy in the world...something I never thought I'd get the chance to experience and i began sobbing. I couldn't believe that everything I'd gone through had finally lead to this moment. I never gave up and God was gracious to bless us with this beautiful little girl.
After church we headed to my brother's house and got to spend the day with beloved family and friends. I loved seeing my little niece so attentive to the baby. She would hold the bottle, cover the baby up with her blanket, bounce her in the bouncy seat, pat the top of her head. She's so fascinated by her. I think she's ready to be a big sister ;)
We went home and I was exhausted. I sat in the recliner while Daddy took care of baby for a bit, catching up on all of the well wishes, texts, facebook posts and cards I'd received throughout the day. I sat drinking from my saucer because my cup had overflowed.
-Drinking From My Saucer-
I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow
And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
Haven't got a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough
But I've got loving ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.
I thank God for his blessings,
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.
So Lord, help me not to gripe,
about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
If God gives me strength and courage,
When the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy,
to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow
And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
Haven't got a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough
But I've got loving ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.
I thank God for his blessings,
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.
So Lord, help me not to gripe,
about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
If God gives me strength and courage,
When the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy,
to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
30 Minutes Of Wonderful
I love being a mom. If we're FB friends, you probably think that I think that I'm the only one on God's green earth to ever become a mom. *shrugs* Guess I don't really care about that ;) After waiting for so long, everything about it is monumental to me. Every diaper change and feeding is a HUUUUUUGE deal to me. With Mother's Day approaching, for the first time in my life I'm not dreading it. I'm not excluded this year. I can't wait to celebrate. It could be my last and I'm going to soak up every second. I keep flip flopping between emotions. I'm struggling with "Yay, I'm a mom and have a gorgeous daughter" and then I remember she's someone else's daughter who just needed a home for the time being. She will likely be back with her family just in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love her fiercely but at the same time I tell myself not to get too attached (TOO LATE!) because we won't get to keep her. I feel completely devoted to her but at the same time I feel somewhat detached from her, like I can't claim her as mine. Like maybe I'm not really a mom, I'm just borrowing her. Like maybe I shouldn't be celebrating Mother's Day this year after all. Then I think so what! I've always said one of my favorite quotes is "I'd rather have 30 minutes of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special". She's my 30 minutes (or 6-9 months as it were) of wonderful and I'm going to treasure every single moment I have with her.
We've had her in daycare for almost 2 weeks now. I seriously wanted to just quit my job because 1) I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom and 2) if you knew your time with someone was limited, if you knew that after a certain date you would never see them again, would you keep "wasting" 8 hours of your day at work?! I have the luxury of knowing my time with her is limited. I want to spend every second of my day with her. I catch myself speeding to pick her up from daycare. I can imagine the look on the officer's face if/when I get pulled over... "But officer you don't understand! My baby is in daycare and I HAVE to get to her!" Think that will fly? No? Fine...be that way
Cliff and I have already decided that we will likely not do a straight foster care situation again. God, of course could have other plans for us (He usually does) but this is what we've decided. Within a day we were already bonding with her. I know it will kill both of us when we have to give her to her forever home. I've heard Cliff talking to her about paying for schooling and her wedding. I know I don't have to remind him that we won't be responsible for any of that. It is quite likely that we won't even see her for her first birthday. I can only imagine how it will affect us when she leaves. I've mourned a thousand times for the child I didn't have. How much more painful will it be when I lose the one I did have? I struggle with that decision to not do straight foster care because I know there are so many kiddos in foster care who need the kind of home we can provide while they are facing a difficult situation. Each time a child leaves will rip our hearts out. I'm really not sure how much of that my heart could take.
Another thing weighing on me is being sensitive to my friends who are still waiting for their chance to be a mom. It hasn't been that long since I was the "only" one waiting and people were obnoxiously talking about their baby and whatever cute thing they did today. Now I'm that obnoxious person :/ I have friends who will struggle this weekend as they mourn for the child they've not been able to have or the one they did have who has gone to Heaven. My heart hurts for them. I 'm blessed to be able to hug my baby girl tonight and certainly do not take that for granted. She's such a blessing....My 30 minutes of wonderful.
We've had her in daycare for almost 2 weeks now. I seriously wanted to just quit my job because 1) I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom and 2) if you knew your time with someone was limited, if you knew that after a certain date you would never see them again, would you keep "wasting" 8 hours of your day at work?! I have the luxury of knowing my time with her is limited. I want to spend every second of my day with her. I catch myself speeding to pick her up from daycare. I can imagine the look on the officer's face if/when I get pulled over... "But officer you don't understand! My baby is in daycare and I HAVE to get to her!" Think that will fly? No? Fine...be that way
Cliff and I have already decided that we will likely not do a straight foster care situation again. God, of course could have other plans for us (He usually does) but this is what we've decided. Within a day we were already bonding with her. I know it will kill both of us when we have to give her to her forever home. I've heard Cliff talking to her about paying for schooling and her wedding. I know I don't have to remind him that we won't be responsible for any of that. It is quite likely that we won't even see her for her first birthday. I can only imagine how it will affect us when she leaves. I've mourned a thousand times for the child I didn't have. How much more painful will it be when I lose the one I did have? I struggle with that decision to not do straight foster care because I know there are so many kiddos in foster care who need the kind of home we can provide while they are facing a difficult situation. Each time a child leaves will rip our hearts out. I'm really not sure how much of that my heart could take.
Another thing weighing on me is being sensitive to my friends who are still waiting for their chance to be a mom. It hasn't been that long since I was the "only" one waiting and people were obnoxiously talking about their baby and whatever cute thing they did today. Now I'm that obnoxious person :/ I have friends who will struggle this weekend as they mourn for the child they've not been able to have or the one they did have who has gone to Heaven. My heart hurts for them. I 'm blessed to be able to hug my baby girl tonight and certainly do not take that for granted. She's such a blessing....My 30 minutes of wonderful.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Who I Was Born To Be
Motherhood Day #15-
Geez...has it really only been 15 days?!?! lol
I confess it has been a trying time. It has nothing to do with the baby and yet everything to do with her.
When I was a little girl I always mothered my dolls. There are pictures of me as a very young girl, with my doll zipped up next to me in my coat to stay warm. I remember when Hurricane Elena came through Florida. We were packing up to go to my Grandparents house (because they had the "more stable" mobile home ;)). Mom told me to go pack a bag and I came back with a huge bag filled with everything my Cabbage Patch doll could possibly need for the next day or so. Mom said "That's nice Tami...now why don't you go get a few clothes for yourself". I've been practicing being a mom for as long as I can remember. Problem is, my dolls didn't come with seizure meds or nebulizers, or frequent doctor appointments. Sweet Pea has been quite sick since we gained custody of her. She's been sleeping sitting up in the bouncy seat in our bedroom because of her congestion and cough. She coughs so hard that she chokes, gags, and throws up a bunch of mucus. (for those novice parents like myself, apparently that is completely normal and pretty much the only way a baby can get rid of mucus since they don't know how to cough it out or blow their nose) On day number 7 we had our first trip to urgent care. When she was returned home after visiting her parents, the worker reported that the parents were concerned that she felt feverish. When I held her I also thought she felt warm and immediately called the after hours nurse. I gave them a brief history and they wanted us to bring her in. We went to the clinic and were seen rather quickly. She did have a little bit of a fever and was having some difficulty breathing. They set us up to do a breathing treatment and then left the room. I promptly started crying. Here was this precious, sweet girl, struggling to breathe, coughing so hard she vomits, gagging and I was completely helpless. There was nothing I could do to help her. I wanted to breathe for her. The nurse came in, saw I was crying and asked if I was ok. They were so kind. They knew I'm a new mom and gave us reassurance that she was ok. We've had follow ups every few days because she's just not getting any better. She had an xray today to check to see if she had pneumonia which thank goodness she doesn't. She's such an amazing baby and is happy most of the time, but you can still tell she doesn't feel good. We just want her to be healthy and not have to worry! I guess that makes us parents huh...
I'm REALLY struggling with when to go back to work. I feel so guilty being gone but I've waited a hell of a long time to be a mom and why should I rush back to work!? Being a mom?...THIS is what I was put here on this earth for. THIS feels perfect, sick baby, poopy diapers and all. I'm FINALLY who I was born to be. My job allows 2 weeks of bonding time for a newly placed foster child. What a joke! Don't get me wrong...I'm SO grateful for the time I've had off but seriously...2 weeks is barely enough time to get things in order much less have time to "bond" with your child. My time has been filled with WIC appointments, doctors appointments, visits with Social workers, case workers, and Early Childhood development providers. Added to that, we have to be available certain times for her visits with her family. Now I'm supposed to juggle all of that and work full time as well. What the hell was I thinking!? The thing is...I don't WANT to work outside of my home. All of my life I've wanted to be a stay at home mom. That desire only grew stronger the longer it took for us to have a baby. I've waited all of my life for this. I don't want to put my child in daycare for someone else to raise. That's my job! (Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to working moms. I know some situations demand that mom works outside of the home) I've missed out on pregnancy and childbirth. I don't want to miss out on first words or first steps.
Sweet Pea's social worker recommended a daycare for us. They are the only one I can find that has an opening for an infant and they are nowhere near conveniently located. Which poses the next problem. The person who picks her up for her family visits is not able to because of the daycare's location.
I can take up to 12 weeks of FMLA leave. She's been so sick I didn't want to use it all in the first little bit that she's with us. What if she needs me later in the year?! The thing is...she needs me now...
Maybe I just needed to see all of this typed out...to decide what to do.
Even though this is not how I imagined my life, how I would become a mom. I am a mom. It sounds funny to me...foreign almost. I go to doctors appointments and they ask "Your relation to the patient?" I am her mom.
Tonight I held my sweet little girl in my arms as she drifted off to sleep. I assured her, it was ok to fall asleep. She's safe, warm, and loved. Most definitely loved
After I posted this blog my mom posted this pic on her FB...Me with my doll, and of course her diaper bag...
Geez...has it really only been 15 days?!?! lol
I confess it has been a trying time. It has nothing to do with the baby and yet everything to do with her.
When I was a little girl I always mothered my dolls. There are pictures of me as a very young girl, with my doll zipped up next to me in my coat to stay warm. I remember when Hurricane Elena came through Florida. We were packing up to go to my Grandparents house (because they had the "more stable" mobile home ;)). Mom told me to go pack a bag and I came back with a huge bag filled with everything my Cabbage Patch doll could possibly need for the next day or so. Mom said "That's nice Tami...now why don't you go get a few clothes for yourself". I've been practicing being a mom for as long as I can remember. Problem is, my dolls didn't come with seizure meds or nebulizers, or frequent doctor appointments. Sweet Pea has been quite sick since we gained custody of her. She's been sleeping sitting up in the bouncy seat in our bedroom because of her congestion and cough. She coughs so hard that she chokes, gags, and throws up a bunch of mucus. (for those novice parents like myself, apparently that is completely normal and pretty much the only way a baby can get rid of mucus since they don't know how to cough it out or blow their nose) On day number 7 we had our first trip to urgent care. When she was returned home after visiting her parents, the worker reported that the parents were concerned that she felt feverish. When I held her I also thought she felt warm and immediately called the after hours nurse. I gave them a brief history and they wanted us to bring her in. We went to the clinic and were seen rather quickly. She did have a little bit of a fever and was having some difficulty breathing. They set us up to do a breathing treatment and then left the room. I promptly started crying. Here was this precious, sweet girl, struggling to breathe, coughing so hard she vomits, gagging and I was completely helpless. There was nothing I could do to help her. I wanted to breathe for her. The nurse came in, saw I was crying and asked if I was ok. They were so kind. They knew I'm a new mom and gave us reassurance that she was ok. We've had follow ups every few days because she's just not getting any better. She had an xray today to check to see if she had pneumonia which thank goodness she doesn't. She's such an amazing baby and is happy most of the time, but you can still tell she doesn't feel good. We just want her to be healthy and not have to worry! I guess that makes us parents huh...
I'm REALLY struggling with when to go back to work. I feel so guilty being gone but I've waited a hell of a long time to be a mom and why should I rush back to work!? Being a mom?...THIS is what I was put here on this earth for. THIS feels perfect, sick baby, poopy diapers and all. I'm FINALLY who I was born to be. My job allows 2 weeks of bonding time for a newly placed foster child. What a joke! Don't get me wrong...I'm SO grateful for the time I've had off but seriously...2 weeks is barely enough time to get things in order much less have time to "bond" with your child. My time has been filled with WIC appointments, doctors appointments, visits with Social workers, case workers, and Early Childhood development providers. Added to that, we have to be available certain times for her visits with her family. Now I'm supposed to juggle all of that and work full time as well. What the hell was I thinking!? The thing is...I don't WANT to work outside of my home. All of my life I've wanted to be a stay at home mom. That desire only grew stronger the longer it took for us to have a baby. I've waited all of my life for this. I don't want to put my child in daycare for someone else to raise. That's my job! (Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to working moms. I know some situations demand that mom works outside of the home) I've missed out on pregnancy and childbirth. I don't want to miss out on first words or first steps.
Sweet Pea's social worker recommended a daycare for us. They are the only one I can find that has an opening for an infant and they are nowhere near conveniently located. Which poses the next problem. The person who picks her up for her family visits is not able to because of the daycare's location.
I can take up to 12 weeks of FMLA leave. She's been so sick I didn't want to use it all in the first little bit that she's with us. What if she needs me later in the year?! The thing is...she needs me now...
Maybe I just needed to see all of this typed out...to decide what to do.
Even though this is not how I imagined my life, how I would become a mom. I am a mom. It sounds funny to me...foreign almost. I go to doctors appointments and they ask "Your relation to the patient?" I am her mom.
Tonight I held my sweet little girl in my arms as she drifted off to sleep. I assured her, it was ok to fall asleep. She's safe, warm, and loved. Most definitely loved
After I posted this blog my mom posted this pic on her FB...Me with my doll, and of course her diaper bag...
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
It's A Girl!!!
I originally wrote this blog to auto post on Thursday when we were supposed to take custody of Sweet Pea. Needless to say I had to do some editing...
As you know we received our foster care license last week on Tuesday. On my lunch break, on Wednesday, I received a call from YFC. It was their person who handles the placements. She was calling to just go over the general information that we would get in a placement call, kind of like a practice call. She said "For instance, you'll probably say no to this one but here's the kind of information we'll give you. We have a 3 month old little girl, currently in foster care and needing a new home for the next 6-9 months. She'll either be reunited with her parents or adopted by a family member. In the mean time she needs a home." She proceeded to tell us more about the baby's background and said "What do you think?" Now Cliff and I had already pretty much decided that we were going in to this as a ministry, not just to get a baby to adopt, and would not say "no" to anything God brought before us. If He doesn't want a certain child with us, He's going to have to say no because I know I wouldn't be able to. There was a catch with this little girl though. The state didn't want her in daycare because of her tendency to get sick easily. Any child that comes to us will have to go to daycare :( The lady from YFC was shocked I said yes since she knew we were looking to adopt and we would not be able to adopt this child. She said she would have to contact the state worker to see if they were willing to forgo the daycare thing. She stated she would call me back. Thursday came....and went. Friday came...and went. I figured "good...it wasn't my idea of my dream situation and this is God's way of saying 'No'". Then Monday came. The lady from YFC called again. They had been unable to find another home for this baby and she wanted to know if we were still willing to take her, knowing it would not be a long term situation. I called Cliff just to make sure we were still on the same page before I called her back. He agreed and I called to tell her that yes we were still willing and able to take care of her. She was going to call back the state social worker and tell her that Baby Girl had a new home. She had said that the social worker was planning on transferring custody on Thursday. I waited for the call on Tuesday to finalize details about when we would pick her up on Thursday. I got a voicemail from YFC saying "Change of plans, can you pick her up tomorrow (Wednesday) at 11:30am. I called them back to say I would be able to pick her up then and the worker said "Change of plans again...Can you pick her up today?" So yesterday we became parents. I have waited my whole life for this moment in time. I never dreamed this day would actually come. I can't believe this is really happening. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. I think about the things we have planned for this weekend and realize now we'll have a baby in tow! IT IS BLOWING MY MIND!!!
Now I know this is temporary. We only get to have her for 6-9 months until courts decide her fate, but for now...for this moment in time, she's mine. I'm already sad that it seems we'll have to give her to her forever home around the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays. For my sake, I really hope this happens either well in advance of the holiday season or that we get to keep her through the holidays.
She's a great baby! She only fusses when she's hungry. She slept from 11:00pm last night until about 7:45am this morning. Wish the same could be said for me ;) She has some minor health issues. She's just getting over RSV and has to have nebulizer treatments. I wonder how much albuterol she inhaled versus how much I inhaled while giving her the treatment. Her previous foster mom said she has a seizure disorder so she's on phenobarbital for that. She does not like that medicine and is an expert at not swallowing it. I'm concerned that she may not be getting enough of it in her system because she's a pro at just holding her mouth open and letting it just ooze out. I even tried to give it to her while she was sleeping. I thought her natural sucking reflex would take over and I'd get it down her. Nope! She is wise to my ways. I have to contact her Neuro doc and her pediatrician today to see what kind of follow up she needs.
On the way home last night I stopped at Target to buy diapers and the cashier says "What a beautiful baby! How old is she?' I replied "3 1/2 months" She said "Is she sleeping through the night for you yet?" I said "I don't know. I've only been her mom for about and hour and a half!" That kind of got a funny look until I explained I am her foster mom.
Out of respect for her birth parents and for her protection, we've decided not to post any identifying pictures of her on Facebook or on this blog. If you want to see her, you'll have to come visit ;) Exceptions will be made for family out of state. If you want to see her, message me your cell number or email and I'll text or email pics. We do plan on having an Open House so people can come visit and meet our lil Sweet Pea.
I ask you to please pray for the following:
1) That Baby Girl will transition easily to our home, that she will thrive and grow strong in our care. Please pray for her health, that she'll recover quickly from the RSV and even maybe be healed of the seizure disorder
2) That I am able to find a daycare that has an opening for an infant. (the one I picked and all of my back ups don't have any openings to take an infant!)
3) That God will comfort me in the grief when she leaves us
Thank you for all of your love and support in this, the most amazing journey of my life
It may be a while before I blog again. I plan on being busy being a mommy :)
As you know we received our foster care license last week on Tuesday. On my lunch break, on Wednesday, I received a call from YFC. It was their person who handles the placements. She was calling to just go over the general information that we would get in a placement call, kind of like a practice call. She said "For instance, you'll probably say no to this one but here's the kind of information we'll give you. We have a 3 month old little girl, currently in foster care and needing a new home for the next 6-9 months. She'll either be reunited with her parents or adopted by a family member. In the mean time she needs a home." She proceeded to tell us more about the baby's background and said "What do you think?" Now Cliff and I had already pretty much decided that we were going in to this as a ministry, not just to get a baby to adopt, and would not say "no" to anything God brought before us. If He doesn't want a certain child with us, He's going to have to say no because I know I wouldn't be able to. There was a catch with this little girl though. The state didn't want her in daycare because of her tendency to get sick easily. Any child that comes to us will have to go to daycare :( The lady from YFC was shocked I said yes since she knew we were looking to adopt and we would not be able to adopt this child. She said she would have to contact the state worker to see if they were willing to forgo the daycare thing. She stated she would call me back. Thursday came....and went. Friday came...and went. I figured "good...it wasn't my idea of my dream situation and this is God's way of saying 'No'". Then Monday came. The lady from YFC called again. They had been unable to find another home for this baby and she wanted to know if we were still willing to take her, knowing it would not be a long term situation. I called Cliff just to make sure we were still on the same page before I called her back. He agreed and I called to tell her that yes we were still willing and able to take care of her. She was going to call back the state social worker and tell her that Baby Girl had a new home. She had said that the social worker was planning on transferring custody on Thursday. I waited for the call on Tuesday to finalize details about when we would pick her up on Thursday. I got a voicemail from YFC saying "Change of plans, can you pick her up tomorrow (Wednesday) at 11:30am. I called them back to say I would be able to pick her up then and the worker said "Change of plans again...Can you pick her up today?" So yesterday we became parents. I have waited my whole life for this moment in time. I never dreamed this day would actually come. I can't believe this is really happening. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. I think about the things we have planned for this weekend and realize now we'll have a baby in tow! IT IS BLOWING MY MIND!!!
Now I know this is temporary. We only get to have her for 6-9 months until courts decide her fate, but for now...for this moment in time, she's mine. I'm already sad that it seems we'll have to give her to her forever home around the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays. For my sake, I really hope this happens either well in advance of the holiday season or that we get to keep her through the holidays.
She's a great baby! She only fusses when she's hungry. She slept from 11:00pm last night until about 7:45am this morning. Wish the same could be said for me ;) She has some minor health issues. She's just getting over RSV and has to have nebulizer treatments. I wonder how much albuterol she inhaled versus how much I inhaled while giving her the treatment. Her previous foster mom said she has a seizure disorder so she's on phenobarbital for that. She does not like that medicine and is an expert at not swallowing it. I'm concerned that she may not be getting enough of it in her system because she's a pro at just holding her mouth open and letting it just ooze out. I even tried to give it to her while she was sleeping. I thought her natural sucking reflex would take over and I'd get it down her. Nope! She is wise to my ways. I have to contact her Neuro doc and her pediatrician today to see what kind of follow up she needs.
On the way home last night I stopped at Target to buy diapers and the cashier says "What a beautiful baby! How old is she?' I replied "3 1/2 months" She said "Is she sleeping through the night for you yet?" I said "I don't know. I've only been her mom for about and hour and a half!" That kind of got a funny look until I explained I am her foster mom.
Out of respect for her birth parents and for her protection, we've decided not to post any identifying pictures of her on Facebook or on this blog. If you want to see her, you'll have to come visit ;) Exceptions will be made for family out of state. If you want to see her, message me your cell number or email and I'll text or email pics. We do plan on having an Open House so people can come visit and meet our lil Sweet Pea.
I ask you to please pray for the following:
1) That Baby Girl will transition easily to our home, that she will thrive and grow strong in our care. Please pray for her health, that she'll recover quickly from the RSV and even maybe be healed of the seizure disorder
2) That I am able to find a daycare that has an opening for an infant. (the one I picked and all of my back ups don't have any openings to take an infant!)
3) That God will comfort me in the grief when she leaves us
Thank you for all of your love and support in this, the most amazing journey of my life
It may be a while before I blog again. I plan on being busy being a mommy :)
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
It's Official!!
Yesterday NKOTB released their newest album "10" which of course thrilled me to no end! I arrived home from work at my usual time last night but sat in the driveway for a few minutes, loading the album to the hardrive of my car. Just as I was almost finished, my cell phone rang. DANGIT! Because my cell phone also rings thru my car with the bluetooth, it totally messed up what I was doing. "Grrr *grumble* Hello?" paraphrased>>"Hi, This is Youth for Christ. Just calling to let you know that you've been licensed!" Me: <instant cheesball grin> Yaaaaaayyyyyyy! Went and checked my mail and this is what came...
I think I just went from "braxton hicks" to straight labor! or maybe this is the pushing part....
Anxiously <understatment of the year> awaiting *THE* call that brings the child that I've been longing for, home. CAN'T WAIT!!!
I think I just went from "braxton hicks" to straight labor! or maybe this is the pushing part....
Anxiously <understatment of the year> awaiting *THE* call that brings the child that I've been longing for, home. CAN'T WAIT!!!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Gentle Reminder?
Note to Self and all of my loving, supportive friends and family...but mostly to myself.
The first baby that comes to our home may not be the one we get to KEEP in our home. I need to keep telling myself this.
One of my friends who was also waiting with bated breath for THE CALL received her call on Friday. I was so excited for her and her husband. Theeeeeeen the baby went back to the family on Monday. I know it must've been so difficult to finally receive the call and pick up a days old infant to bring to your waiting home, nursery, heart, only to have them returned to family days later. If she's anything like me, it was love at first sight. You go into this knowing that this may be the case for any call you receive. That's what foster care is...you're providing a home for a child until they can return to their home. The ultimate goal for the state is reunification. This is what I worry about...how will I respond/react? but I still feel like this is what God is calling us to do right now. I know that if it happens that a child placed in our home eventually returns to their parents or another family member, this is God's will for them at this time. They will always hold a special place in my heart...my poor, crying, broken heart.
The first baby that comes to our home may not be the one we get to KEEP in our home. I need to keep telling myself this.
One of my friends who was also waiting with bated breath for THE CALL received her call on Friday. I was so excited for her and her husband. Theeeeeeen the baby went back to the family on Monday. I know it must've been so difficult to finally receive the call and pick up a days old infant to bring to your waiting home, nursery, heart, only to have them returned to family days later. If she's anything like me, it was love at first sight. You go into this knowing that this may be the case for any call you receive. That's what foster care is...you're providing a home for a child until they can return to their home. The ultimate goal for the state is reunification. This is what I worry about...how will I respond/react? but I still feel like this is what God is calling us to do right now. I know that if it happens that a child placed in our home eventually returns to their parents or another family member, this is God's will for them at this time. They will always hold a special place in my heart...my poor, crying, broken heart.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Daydreaming
I totally could've written this poem...
Daydreaming
I stepped into her room today
Knowing she's not there
This waiting for referral
Is more than one can bear
Knowing she's not there
This waiting for referral
Is more than one can bear
But taking in the moment
I sit down on the floor
And dream of her here with me
When waiting is no more.
I sit down on the floor
And dream of her here with me
When waiting is no more.
A little giggle fills the air
As I rub her feet
I place my hand upon her heart
To feel its every beat.
As I rub her feet
I place my hand upon her heart
To feel its every beat.
A song is sung so very soft
Her eyes begin to close
She’s meeting me in dream land
A place where love still grows.
Her eyes begin to close
She’s meeting me in dream land
A place where love still grows.
My vision now is very blurred
The tears stream down my cheeks
I’ve dreamed of her quite often
Throughout these past few weeks.
The tears stream down my cheeks
I’ve dreamed of her quite often
Throughout these past few weeks.
Suddenly a sound is heard
The phone rings in the hall
Waking up I quickly pray
Please let it be "The Call."
The phone rings in the hall
Waking up I quickly pray
Please let it be "The Call."
Legacy Of An Adopted Child
LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED CHILD
Once there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
The other you call mother.
Two different lives
Shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.
The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name.
One gave you a seed of talent,
The other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.
One gave you up --
It was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child
And God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me
Through your tears,
The age-old question
Through the years:
Heredity or environment
Which are you the product of?
Neither, my darling -- neither,
Just two different kinds of love.
~Author Unknown
Monday, February 18, 2013
Braxton Hicks
This past week last led me to the conclusion that home studies are the "braxton hicks contractions" of adopting/fostering.
I've never been pregnant but my understanding of Braxton Hicks is they are the uterine contractions that are 1) uncomfortable 2) prep the body for the arrival of a baby 3) signal that the arrival of the child is imminent. Home studies?? Same thing.
The home study consists of some pretty uncomfortable questions, talking about my childhood, what my family was like, etc. Now this may come as a shock to some who know me, but my childhood wasn't all unicorns and rainbows. It was hard. I struggled a lot with self esteem issues, depression, the effects of abuse within the family....Memories and feelings I haven't had to deal with for many years. Unpleasant to say the least. I had difficulty sleeping, worried about how my past may look to an outsider now. One of these days I'll care less about what people think about me.
Home studies prep you for the arrival of a baby. Most people would clean their house like it's never been cleaned before. I'll be honest...I did NOT do that. I figured the social worker is going to need to see my house in it's natural state of chaos. I purposefully did not dust the furniture. The house was cleaned and organized but it did not get the toothbrush scrubbing/fine tooth comb treatment. Lord knows I do not clean like that on a regular basis. The cob webs were gone. Floors were vacuumed. As much as I stressed over the cleanliness of my house (I'm not the best housekeeper), they need to see what my house looks like on the average day. The home inspection went very smoothly. The only thing we'll eventually have to adjust is our fire extinguisher. Even though the certification number on it matches the state requirements, it's only a 4 1/2lb fire extinguisher not a 5lb. She again complimented us on our preparedness. We had everything on the check list. I'm thinking "isn't that the point of a checklist!?" I guess some people don't look at it that way.
I think my greatest source of stress/anxiety is comparison number 3. Home studies signal that the arrival of a child in imminent...like every day from this day on I'll freak out whenever my phone rings, wondering if it's THE call. I really think that is what I was/am so freaked out about. I've waited so long to have a child and the countdown is ON!! I think, like with any expectant mother you reach that point where you think "I got this. I am TOTALLY prepared"...then contractions start and you think "WAIT!! I'm not ready!!" The paperwork now gets submitted to the state for them to process and sign off. The agency gets notified that we've been licensed and then they will call to place a child in our home. We've specified age 0-3 years. They will take in to account that 1) we are wanting to adopt 2) we've requested a younger child but they may place a child that is outside of our specifications if they feel that he/she would be a good fit in our home. We have the option of saying no but hey, have you met me??!! The chances of that happening are slim to none.
So after yeeeeeeaaaaars of waiting, my labor had finally started. My time is coming...SOON!!
I've never been pregnant but my understanding of Braxton Hicks is they are the uterine contractions that are 1) uncomfortable 2) prep the body for the arrival of a baby 3) signal that the arrival of the child is imminent. Home studies?? Same thing.
The home study consists of some pretty uncomfortable questions, talking about my childhood, what my family was like, etc. Now this may come as a shock to some who know me, but my childhood wasn't all unicorns and rainbows. It was hard. I struggled a lot with self esteem issues, depression, the effects of abuse within the family....Memories and feelings I haven't had to deal with for many years. Unpleasant to say the least. I had difficulty sleeping, worried about how my past may look to an outsider now. One of these days I'll care less about what people think about me.
Home studies prep you for the arrival of a baby. Most people would clean their house like it's never been cleaned before. I'll be honest...I did NOT do that. I figured the social worker is going to need to see my house in it's natural state of chaos. I purposefully did not dust the furniture. The house was cleaned and organized but it did not get the toothbrush scrubbing/fine tooth comb treatment. Lord knows I do not clean like that on a regular basis. The cob webs were gone. Floors were vacuumed. As much as I stressed over the cleanliness of my house (I'm not the best housekeeper), they need to see what my house looks like on the average day. The home inspection went very smoothly. The only thing we'll eventually have to adjust is our fire extinguisher. Even though the certification number on it matches the state requirements, it's only a 4 1/2lb fire extinguisher not a 5lb. She again complimented us on our preparedness. We had everything on the check list. I'm thinking "isn't that the point of a checklist!?" I guess some people don't look at it that way.
I think my greatest source of stress/anxiety is comparison number 3. Home studies signal that the arrival of a child in imminent...like every day from this day on I'll freak out whenever my phone rings, wondering if it's THE call. I really think that is what I was/am so freaked out about. I've waited so long to have a child and the countdown is ON!! I think, like with any expectant mother you reach that point where you think "I got this. I am TOTALLY prepared"...then contractions start and you think "WAIT!! I'm not ready!!" The paperwork now gets submitted to the state for them to process and sign off. The agency gets notified that we've been licensed and then they will call to place a child in our home. We've specified age 0-3 years. They will take in to account that 1) we are wanting to adopt 2) we've requested a younger child but they may place a child that is outside of our specifications if they feel that he/she would be a good fit in our home. We have the option of saying no but hey, have you met me??!! The chances of that happening are slim to none.
So after yeeeeeeaaaaars of waiting, my labor had finally started. My time is coming...SOON!!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Best...Week...Ever...So Far
I started typing this blog about 20 times and I really didn't/don't know where to start...
I have had an amazing week. Last Friday we had some very dear friends over for dinner. It had been a while since we'd seen each other and it was great to catch up. On Saturday I got to spend a little time with my niece Q. Granted we spent most of our time together napping, what's better than napping away a Saturday with one of your favorite people!? On Sunday we went to church and then after, my friend Beth and I went to see The Tenors perform at Benaroya Hall. If you've never been there it is a gorgeous hall and if you've never heard or seen the Tenors, they too are gorgeous and sing so very beautifully. We had incredible seats...so close that one of the guys (Clifton Murray) smiled and waved at us to which we responded like 13 year old girls *giggling* "OMG he WAVED at US!!!!!!" *giggling*...ok maybe that was just me but whatever. After the Concert we went out to eat and stuffed ourselves, so much so that we just HAD to sit there for a couple of hours chatting while our food settled. We had a great girls day out and I can NOT wait for the next time.
So I've been riding the "Tenors Concert High" all week. I cannot get enough of their music. I've listened to their new CD on repeat all week with the old one thrown in there occasionally. I cannot wait to hear what they record next and it kinda bums me out that I have to wait for them to finish this tour before they'll probably even think of the next CD.
I swear this CD is like the soundtrack for our "Baby Journey". If you read the track list it starts off with "you and I" and ends with a lullaby, with "Lead With Your Heart" (title track), "Anchor Me", "Amazing Grace" and "Forever Young" in the middle. You bet I cried more than once during the concert when they sang these songs.
Last night, I was out running some errands. I saw this great idea about making hanging candle holders out of mason jars. I thought it would look great in my Americana living room. After buying the stuff to make these I'm not sure it is a very cost effective endeavor but doggone it, it'll be cute. Anyhoo, while I'm out I miss a call. Check my phone a bit later and realize I have a voicemail from our foster agency wanting to schedule our homestudy. My heart instantly starts beating out of my chest and I start having a little trouble breathing. Soooo this must be what a panic attack feels like! Instead of running in to my house and freaking out, cleaning like a mad woman (like I should have done) I think I kind of shut down. I cooked myself some dinner, sat down, watched a little tv and calmed myself. I came to the realization that my house will never look the way I want it to for our homestudy...unless I rebuild or move. There are things to worry about and things to let go of. I'm letting go of the "my house must not have any dust/dirt/dog hair anywhere". I realize that if/when someone from the agency stops by unexpectedly they're GOING to see the usual state of my home. THIS is what my house looks like on your average day. There may be dust on the furniture and will most likely...aw who am I kidding...there WILL definitely be dog hair on the floor.
I called the lady back today to schedule and she says "I think we will get along juuuuuust fine. When I got your voicemail last night I heard your NKOTB ringback tone!" We laughed and our first of three visits is scheduled for Monday. She specifically said "Don't worry about the state of your home. The inspection will come later. This is just a 'getting to know you' type of visit". Wheeeeeewww! But you KNOW I will still be doing some major cleaning this weekend!!
I'f you could please pray that I will stay calm and not freak out, that would be awesome.
Thanks!
I have had an amazing week. Last Friday we had some very dear friends over for dinner. It had been a while since we'd seen each other and it was great to catch up. On Saturday I got to spend a little time with my niece Q. Granted we spent most of our time together napping, what's better than napping away a Saturday with one of your favorite people!? On Sunday we went to church and then after, my friend Beth and I went to see The Tenors perform at Benaroya Hall. If you've never been there it is a gorgeous hall and if you've never heard or seen the Tenors, they too are gorgeous and sing so very beautifully. We had incredible seats...so close that one of the guys (Clifton Murray) smiled and waved at us to which we responded like 13 year old girls *giggling* "OMG he WAVED at US!!!!!!" *giggling*...ok maybe that was just me but whatever. After the Concert we went out to eat and stuffed ourselves, so much so that we just HAD to sit there for a couple of hours chatting while our food settled. We had a great girls day out and I can NOT wait for the next time.
So I've been riding the "Tenors Concert High" all week. I cannot get enough of their music. I've listened to their new CD on repeat all week with the old one thrown in there occasionally. I cannot wait to hear what they record next and it kinda bums me out that I have to wait for them to finish this tour before they'll probably even think of the next CD.
I swear this CD is like the soundtrack for our "Baby Journey". If you read the track list it starts off with "you and I" and ends with a lullaby, with "Lead With Your Heart" (title track), "Anchor Me", "Amazing Grace" and "Forever Young" in the middle. You bet I cried more than once during the concert when they sang these songs.
Last night, I was out running some errands. I saw this great idea about making hanging candle holders out of mason jars. I thought it would look great in my Americana living room. After buying the stuff to make these I'm not sure it is a very cost effective endeavor but doggone it, it'll be cute. Anyhoo, while I'm out I miss a call. Check my phone a bit later and realize I have a voicemail from our foster agency wanting to schedule our homestudy. My heart instantly starts beating out of my chest and I start having a little trouble breathing. Soooo this must be what a panic attack feels like! Instead of running in to my house and freaking out, cleaning like a mad woman (like I should have done) I think I kind of shut down. I cooked myself some dinner, sat down, watched a little tv and calmed myself. I came to the realization that my house will never look the way I want it to for our homestudy...unless I rebuild or move. There are things to worry about and things to let go of. I'm letting go of the "my house must not have any dust/dirt/dog hair anywhere". I realize that if/when someone from the agency stops by unexpectedly they're GOING to see the usual state of my home. THIS is what my house looks like on your average day. There may be dust on the furniture and will most likely...aw who am I kidding...there WILL definitely be dog hair on the floor.
I called the lady back today to schedule and she says "I think we will get along juuuuuust fine. When I got your voicemail last night I heard your NKOTB ringback tone!" We laughed and our first of three visits is scheduled for Monday. She specifically said "Don't worry about the state of your home. The inspection will come later. This is just a 'getting to know you' type of visit". Wheeeeeewww! But you KNOW I will still be doing some major cleaning this weekend!!
I'f you could please pray that I will stay calm and not freak out, that would be awesome.
Thanks!
Monday, January 14, 2013
Waiting...
A friend at work recently stopped by my desk to say it had been a while since she'd read my blog and wanted to know what was new. I thought "gee, maybe because I haven't written a blog for a while". I thought there wasn't anything new to update, but then she and I chatted for about 10 minutes about what was new. Soooo, I guess a blog update is in order!
Basically, we're waiting...Waiting for our background checks to come thru and for that call to schedule our homestudy, which could come any minute now. After that, we're waiting for the call for a baby. I've been busy researching daycares. I think this step bothers me the most. I've waited so long for a baby and I'm now working fulltime due to some "restructuring" at my job. I'm really hoping that there will come a day when I can stay at home and just take care of babies all day. Anyhow, it is what it is and God continues to provide for us financially. I really can't wait for that call that says there is a baby waiting for us to come get him/her. I'm excited about being a foster parent and maybe making a difference in a little kiddo's life. I'm really hoping that after the homestudy, while we are caring for a child who needs a good home for a little bit, we will be able to find a child who is needing a forever home. Until that happens though we'll give a great home to someone who needs it. So like I said...we're waiting...rather impatiently at this point.
Anyhow, I've finished the kiddo's room...it's just missing one crucial element....
Basically, we're waiting...Waiting for our background checks to come thru and for that call to schedule our homestudy, which could come any minute now. After that, we're waiting for the call for a baby. I've been busy researching daycares. I think this step bothers me the most. I've waited so long for a baby and I'm now working fulltime due to some "restructuring" at my job. I'm really hoping that there will come a day when I can stay at home and just take care of babies all day. Anyhow, it is what it is and God continues to provide for us financially. I really can't wait for that call that says there is a baby waiting for us to come get him/her. I'm excited about being a foster parent and maybe making a difference in a little kiddo's life. I'm really hoping that after the homestudy, while we are caring for a child who needs a good home for a little bit, we will be able to find a child who is needing a forever home. Until that happens though we'll give a great home to someone who needs it. So like I said...we're waiting...rather impatiently at this point.
I am so excited about what this year holds in store for us. I've been diligently getting things organized in preparation for our homestudy. Ok, so maybe not "diligently" but I AM working on getting more organized and purging stuff I don't need out of my house. I am so nervous about the homestudy process. What if we've come this far and there's something wrong with "us" that prevents us from being accepted as foster parents!? I know this is my own insecurity and it's highly probable that my home is MUCH safer for these kids than the homes they're coming from. After all, that's why they're not in those homes anymore right?
Anyhow, I've finished the kiddo's room...it's just missing one crucial element....
Personally, I think it's awfully darn cute :)
Sometimes I walk past the room and just stop and stare. I can't believe that after all these years, there's finally a crib in that room. I sit in the recliner that once belonged to my husband's father and picture myself rocking a baby, singing lullabies. I can't believe this is really happening.
We've been blessed over and over again by donations of toys and clothes in our preparations. I can't thank the gifters enough for being so very supportive and generous to us. Baby even got Christmas gifts this year! (well last year...you know what I meant)
This past holiday season was much easier than years before it. I could rejoice in knowing that this was likely the last Thanksgiving where we would not be parents...the last Christmas not buying that special toy for OUR child. I realize that is not what those holidays are about but when you live with infertility, it leeches into every aspect of your life, overshadowing those special, sacred times.
I'll be honest...Im SOOOOO tired of waiting. I know God has a perfect plan. I argue with Him that I've waited so long for this and could He just speed it up a bit. I think back to people who survived September 11, 2001 because it was their turn to pick up donuts for the office or had a sick child that they stayed home with. These "kinks" in their day were all part of a greater plan for them to go on. I think of the days when something doesn't go the way I think it should and later find out that something happened or didn't happen, that was to my benefit. I try to think that when I get stuck in traffic or something, maybe God is saving me from a horrible accident ahead. I'm trying to remember that infertility is just a "kink" in my path to motherhood. Had we been able to conceive a child, we likely would never have considered foster care and maybe a child who needs a safe, loving home, would've missed out on something that only we can provide him/her. So we wait...for God's perfect timing, to bring that specific child to our home at the perfect time.
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