Precious Life

I know, I know....it's been a while since my last post.  I really try to not let so much time go in between but the days just get away from me sometimes, ya know?
Soooooo, what's happened since my last writing...

Let's see...

Hubby and I have both had pneumonia.  "Not fun" does not even begin to describe that.  I always thought of pneumonia as just a really bad cold.  You take some cough syrup, rest a couple of days and boom!  You're fine again.  Could I have BEEN any more wrong?!?  Holy smokes!  Cliff got sick first, ironically just a few weeks after receiving the pneumonia vaccine.  It was recommended for him because he's "high risk" with his diabetes and all.  Well, nobody said anything about the wife who lives with him getting the vaccine!  My theory is that because he had gotten the vaccine, he didn't get quite as sick as I did.  He says I'm just a weenie.  A couple of weeks into his illness I got sick.  I was out of work for 2 weeks with fevers, coughing so hard I couldn't catch a breath or began coughing up blood.  I'm very grateful for my mom and aunt stopping by to bring soups, Popsicles, dark chocolate (it's a cough suppressant ya know), chocolate chip cookies (I had a craving) and Lysol wipes and spray.  It was miserable but we're slowly on the mend.  Slowly but surely, coughing a little less.  Soon we'll be as right as rain :)

This may seem menial when compared to the next paragraph but I woke this morning really missing Buddy today.  Friday's are hard when I hear the garbage truck but not his barking after it.  I know he always felt victorious every Friday when the truck would come and he would bark and "scare it away".   Still miss that dog :(

Today has been a day of sadness for so many people.  One of my friends has a friend who, earlier this week, found their 10 year old son in bed, unconscious/not breathing.  He's been in a coma and on a ventilator all week.  He passed away today.  They determined that it was the flu that caused this.
And unless you've been under a rock all day today, you've heard about the horrible tragedy in Connecticut.  My heart is so broken for these families.  I cannot begin to imagine the horror of losing a child. It doesn't matter if it's due to an illness or a senseless act of violence.  It's all tragic.  No parent should know that kind of pain.  Please join me in praying for these families.

On the foster care front, we've finished all of our classes, gotten our fingerprinting done. We just have a couple of forms (that weren't listed on the checklist-otherwise they would've been turned in already!) to turn in to Youth for Christ. The lady processing our paperwork said that the way we've gathered/turned in our paperwork has been phenomenal. Gotta admit I was a little proud when she said that! Then my other thought was "I've waited so long to be a mom. Why would I do anything to drag out the process even longer than it has to be!?" I'm ready!! Let's get this show on the road!!!! Next step, after getting our clearances from the background checks will be the homestudy!!

Before I end this post, I would like to take a moment to congratulate one of my blog readers.  She, like me, has PCOS and struggled to conceive.   She persevered and about 6 weeks ago became a mom!  Congratulations Ashley on the birth of Baby R!  God bless you and your family now and always!

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Roller Coaster

Today was Day 3 of our PRIDE classes.  I was feeling super emotional at the beginning for some reason, well actually through out the whole session I guess.   They say that this whole process is an emotional roller coaster.  If ever I needed an example of that, today was the day.

The session today was filled with role playing. I HATE role playing.  I am not a good actress.  I certainly am no good at ad-libbing.  Give me a script to read and I can get the job done.  Have me try to come up with scripting?? and it's gonna be a super short interaction.  Then you add in rules such as you cannot ask the "child" any questions.  O_o  Whaaaaat???  Grrrrrr...ugh I hate role playing.  You cannot possibly prepare for every way that the child in your care may react.  And no matter how you role play, you really don't know what you will say in a situation until you are IN the situation.  I guess some people find role plays valuable and see them as excellent practice or learning experiences.  I do not.  Have I mentioned that I hate role playing?

One time that was a little difficult for me was when we had to pretend that we were about 7 years old.  We had to list the things we would want to take with us if we had to suddenly leave our home.  Then we had to write a journal entry that looked back on that time as if we could not bring those things with us.  How would we feel?  Well this was relatively easy for me because I knew what I'd want to bring for the most part. Topping the list were my cabbage patch doll Melisa, my Care Bear and my Strawberry Shortcake watch. I DID have to all of a sudden (for me) leave my home when I was about 6 and my parents separated for a period of time.  Fortunately I didn't have to leave much, if anything behind.  I did suddenly have to sleep by myself, in a strange room, that echoed because there wasn't much in it.  It was strange.  It smelled different than my other home.  I couldn't just ride my bike or walk to Grandma's any more.  I guess I had never realized how difficult that time in my life was until today, how scared and sad I was. I also felt confused and guilty.  I thought it was my fault, something I'd done.   I remember telling one of my classmates at school that we couldn't live all together anymore because I squeezed the toothpaste from the middle of the tube instead of the end.  At the time that seemed like the most logical reason to me.  I had no idea what else came in to play in the situation.  This is how my little 6 year old mind interpreted the situation.  It breaks my heart to think about the children who are feeling that loneliness and sadness and maybe even guilt. I can't imagine how I would've felt as a foster child who wasn't able to bring my doll or care bear, or my mom with me...to suddenly have NONE of my things or comfort items around me.  Anyhow that particular exercise brought up emotions I wasn't expecting to have to deal with today...emotions I wasn't even aware still existed but evidently they do.

To close on a high note, we'll back up to the beginning of the class... the pastor started off our session with prayer. As he prayed "Father God, please be with these moms and dads..." *Tamra starts crying* He just called me MOM. I was totally not expecting that kind of reaction. He wasn't a friend or family member trying to give me a pep talk or sooth my broken heart. I've waited for so long to be recognized as a mom. I just don't even have the words for the sheer joy that just hearing the word "mom" brought to me. I am a mom...I am a mom...I am a mom! You may think "No you aren't...you don't have a kid yet" I am just as much a mom as a woman who is pregnant. Somewhere in the world tonight is a baby out there, who may just be conceived or maybe just born, who will come in to my home needing all the love, safety, and comfort I have to give. I am a mom, just waiting for my child.

I am a mom :)

Sorry...I've Been Busy

Sorry, it's been a while since my last blog.  We've been super busy!  We began our PRIDE classes on Oct 12th and 13th.  We've had our physicals and TB tests.  All of our animals have been to the vet and are licensed.  99.9999% of our paperwork is done.  We just have a couple of stragglers that need to be finished up and still need to take our CPR/First Aid/Blood born pathogen class on Nov 3rd.

On October 15th I had something monumental happen.  I ordered a crib!!  I literally cried after I pressed 'ENTER' on the keyboard.  It may not seem like that big of a deal to any one else but I have waited a LONG time to do that.  I've always been the one to help host baby showers.  I'm always shopping for everyone else's baby showers, always wondering when it would be my turn.  One of my friends is wanting to throw a shower for me and it feels SO weird to me.  For one there's the fact that it just seems like such a foreign concept to me. And secondly, our situation is a little different.  We'll be doing "foster-to-adopt".  We're working with a place where the primary focus is foster care.  We have no idea of who our first foster child might be.  What age?  What gender? It is my hope that we get a young infant but that may not happen.  My Grandma had offered to buy our crib.  In order to show her the one I'd chosen I went online at Babies R US and put together a wishlist.  (Kind of like a baby registry without having to have a birth date.)  Before I knew it I was "Oh look a diaper bag...oh look at that blanket...ooooooohh a wipee warmer!"  Because I want a newborn of course my "wishes" all gravitated towards newborn/infant care/needs.  I had so much fun putting that list together...another thing I've waited a long time to do.  Anyhow, that being said...do you throw showers for foster parents?? I mean, yes there are things we'll need when a child is placed with us.  There are things I would like to have on hand in case of a late night child placement with us, rather than having to make a midnight run to Walmart.  It just feels weird for it to be MY shower....surreal.  I keep waiting to wake up.  Everything's gone so smooth up to this point.  I don't know if that's a sign of things to come or if God's giving me a break with this process because it's going to get difficult and I'll need the strength later on.

Well I guess not everything's going smoothly...There are MAJOR changes coming soon at my job.  Layoffs and "restructuring".  With these changes it looks like if I want to stay as a part time employee I will have to change departments/shifts.  If I want to stay in the department that I've been in for 13 years, I'll have to go back to working full time.  I'm REALLY struggling with the decision.  I LOVE working part time.  I feel like I worked a long time towards getting a part time position, like it was my reward for hanging in there.  I loved being able to spend my days off with my niece.  God allowed me that.  Now as I'm "expecting" our foster children, I may have to go to full time?? Just doesn't seem fair.  I flip flop back and forth between "I love being part time" and "what is an extra 10 hours a week anyway".  I hate that we'll finally have children in our home and I may have to put them in daycare?  What's the point of being a foster mom if someone else is going to be raising the children for more than 8 hours per day??  Maybe it's God way of providing...maybe I'll work full time for a year, be able to pay off the credit card, while we have foster children.  Maybe after that is when a "legally free/adoptable" child becomes available and after everything's paid off I can quit altogether??  Your prayers as we make this decision would be greatly appreciated.

There's some cleaning, organizing and painting to be done then comes the homestudy!  Your prayers for that would be appreciated too ;)

Thanks again to everyone for all of your support and encouragement.  We greatly appreciate it!

A Rolling Ball And A Blessing

At the last writing I was kind of stressing over the remodel of our bathroom and selecting an agency to begin our adoption process.  Well, the bathroom is completed and looks great (I think).

Before...                                                                      After!!!

This transformation only took 6 days to complete.  However, it was a loooooooong 6 days!

We also decided the route we want to take in pursuing an adoption.  We've contacted the local Youth for Christ office.  They have a foster to adopt program and we are thinking this is what we should do.  I wasn't sure that I could do a foster to adopt situation.  I'm scared to death that a child would be placed in my home and then taken from me to be reunited with their birth family.  Then I found out that I can determine the "type" of child/placement we want.  For instance, I can specify that I would prefer that a child that is placed with us be mostly "legally free".  This means that they will most likely be put up for adoption.  This can be determined by previous history (has the birthmom had other children taken from her by CPS? were parental rights terminated? etc), could be a "safe haven" baby,  things like that.  I submitted the "foster care interest" form online at about 8am and received a call from YFC at about 10am!  The lady I spoke with said she would get an information packet in the mail to me.  I received that the next day.  There are quite a few forms to complete but I look forward to the writer's cramp :)  There is a lot to do in this process...CPR/HIV classes, PRIDE classes, physicals (for us and the animals), finger printing, background checks, bio's to complete...Wow!  Lots to do, but we got the ball rolling!
Switching topics for a bit...I attended two funerals/memorials today.  My heart was so heavy for my friends who had to say goodbye to their loved ones.  I prayed that I would be able to be an encouragement to my friends in the midst of their loss.  One of the services was for my friend's mom.  She lived to be 83  years old and was a very Godly woman.  At the service I learned that she had been a missionary in Hawaii, that she would host Bible clubs for children in her home and that she was a fervent prayer warrior.  I didn't know her but if a woman's child is any testament to her character, seeing what an awesome guy her son is, she was a remarkable woman.  During the service, my friend Beth spoke of her mother in law and how, even in the darkest stages of dementia she had a clarity of mind when she prayed.  Beth would share a concern with mom and she was faithful to pray for the concern/request.  I later found out that our situation was one that she had lifted in prayer.  Also during the service, I was blessed to hear one of my favorite hymns "It Is Well", sung in Samoan...sung by a choir of her friends and family.  It was one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard.  Here I had prayed that I would be an encouragement and I was the one being encouraged.  What a blessing!

 

Motherhood

 

I AM a mom...I just don't have my child yet

 

My Head May Explode...

So it's been a month since my last post.  Not much has happened.  However, next week I'll be busier than a (insert your own politcally incorrect euphemism here), so I figured I better post something now.  Next week, we are having our bathroom rebuilt and I'm geting ready for an adoption fundraising yard sale next weekend.  I've looked at so many pedestal sinks I want to throw up in the next one I see.  I've looked at bathroom fixtures until my eyes crossed.  I've googled so many adoption agencies my head started hurting. 
Why does it have to be so difficult to find an adoption agency!?  I don't want to have to spend so much on my adoption that I'll be paying for that AND my child's college tuition at the same time!  I don't want to have to work after we adopt.  I've waited a LONG time to have a baby.  I do NOT want to have to put my baby in daycare.  There are so many options when it comes to adoption that I just don't know where to turn.  I sought out the social worker at work.  I told her I had some questions about adoption.  She cocked her head to one side and says "Did you know that my background is in adoption?!"  Um noooooooo, I seriously had no idea.  She gave me a few resources but even with that bit of direction I'm not sure where to go/what to do.  I wish that you could compare adoption agencies side by side like you can pedestal bathroom sinks.  It would make this SOOOO much easier!
In addition to the bathroom stuff, yard sale stuff (which has included cleaning and purging every room in my house), adoption stuff I've also gotten involved with a relatively new local charity.  It's called Charlie's Dinosaur and it's named for Charlie Powell or more correctly for his dinosaur drawing.  It's an awesome charity in honor of the boys and is being run by some very busy sheriff's detectives.  I offered to assist and they're taking me up on my offer!  I'm so excited to be a part of this amazing program and can't wait to see what it grows in to!!
With all of the Charlie's Dinosaur ideas floating around in my head in addition to all my personal stuff (bathroom remodel, cleaning, purging, googling, adoption etc) my head is just swimming in information.  I can't concentrate on anything.  I have a difficult time sleeping because I just can't turn my brain off and rest.  When I do fall asleep, it's not a good sleep because I'm dreaming about all of these things. 
My newest addiction is watching "Guiliana & Bill".  Their story encourages me and inspires me.  At the same time it makes me think..."Hmmm maybe I should give up on the adoption thing and find a uterus to borrow".  Anyone not using theirs for the next 9 months or so?! lol
Anyhooooo....praying for God's direction because I seriously have not a clue.  I KNOW I will be a mom one day.  How that will happen I don't know for sure but I trust God's got a perfect plan.  I just REALLY hope He manifests that sooner rather than later.

God Knew Better

When my niece was born last year I thought it was just happy coincidence that our birthdays were so close together. What better gift than a new niece for your birthday. I would've been happy with a pony but a new niece?!?!?! C'mon! That's like THE best gift ever! Now, a year later, I'm convinced she is part of God's perfect plan.

This birthday for me marked the big 3-6. You know... the day the fertility died (if it ever lived). The day that according to doctors, if I hadn't gotten pregnant by I never would. At times, all I could hear was that music of doom that they always have in the movies. It could've been super depressing. Instead it wasn't too shabby. My coworkers treated me to a card, cake and decorations. My husband took me to a lovely dinner at a restaurant that serves delicious Argentinian cuisine. Then we went to my favorite craft store. I only got a little sad as I sat on my yard swing in the cool evening breeze and had a moment to think about the day and what it could mean for my future.
It didn't last long. I had things to do. I was making my niece's birthday cake. She was having a "Sweet as can Bee" birthday party. I had to get my creative juices flowing and figure out what design I wanted to do. This is how it turned out. :)

You see, God knew that I would need a distraction on my 36th birthday. That's why she was born the day after I turned 35. It all makes perfect sense to me now! Instead of me having a pity party, we were celebrating her first year. It was a year full of the usual milestones...that moment when she joined our family, the first smile, rolling over for the first time, first foods, the first crawl, then about 2 weeks later (it seemed) the first steps and our personal favorite, dancing. I'm so very blessed to have such a close relationship with her and her parents and I've been around to see some of those firsts. When I thought that I would have nothing to celebrate when I turned 36, God knew better. And what better reason to celebrate than a new life, just beginning, full of joy, innocence and beauty. In that, I was able to see beauty in my life.

Looking forward to many more birthdays together!

This Is A Nightmare...This Is Only A Nightmare

A frightening look inside my obviously warped mind...

When I was a little girl about 6 years old, my parents separated.  We moved out and for the first time I had my own room.  This was going to be GREAT! or so I thought.  I became terrified of my room.  I would flip the light switch and try to make it to my bed before the room became dark. My night light would cast long, ominous shadows against the wall and ceiling, scaring me to death. Finally I just moved my bed to right under the light switch.  I began having nightmares nearly every night.  Either me or my little 1st grade boyfriend, Bobby, or someone else I loved was being attacked by Dracula behind one of my grandparents barns.  I still don't venture behind that barn...and at the ripe old age of 36 (almost) I still do not watch vampire movies, aside from Twilight.  I've always believed that there is some sort of meaning to our dreams.  I sit and analyze them any time I have a dream or nightmare.  As I grew older I came to believe that the vampire dreams symbolized that my parents marriage was sucking the life out of me. lol...but really.
Last night, I had the most graphic, horrific nightmare I've had since I was 6.  This is the nightmare...

*read at your own risk- not for the squeamish*
Again...this is just a nightmare...

"I'm sitting on my couch feasting ravenously on some sort of meat.  I'm oblivious to all that is around me.  I startle to reality and realize that I'm devouring the head of a pre-term human infant. I'm instantly mortified by my actions.  I begin screaming and throw the head across the room, trying to get as far away from it as I can.  Still screaming my parents and my brother come in to see what is wrong.  I'm covered in blood and cannot be consoled.  My Dad and brother instantly begin to try to cover up my actions as they begin to dispose of the head.  My mother sits next to me on the couch and tries to comfort me but still I'm screaming.  I become nauseated, realizing what I've done and begin vomiting. In trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing, we determine that the baby is one that was the subject of an abortion that my mother performed in 1971.  As my family sits around trying to support and comfort me, I'm still sick to my stomach and shaking"

Then I wake up.  I'm still shaking and feeling horribly nauseated.  I cannot get the graphic images out of my head.  And then I begin struggling to find the meaning of the nightmare...surely there's got to be a reason my sick, twisted little subconscious decided to bestow these mental images upon me.

Fact 1) I am not a cannibal
Fact 2) No one in my family has ever had to conceal a crime that I've committed
Fact 3) My mother (to my knowledge) was not performing abortions in her early teens or any time before or after that for that matter.
Fact 4) My family has always been there to support and comfort me
Fact 5) I blame NO ONE for my PCOS...crap happens

My Interpretation:  The death of the infant is symbolic of my fertility.  As the doctors seem to think, I've eaten my way in to never having a baby.  I've been told repeatedly that if I don't lose weight and get pregnant by the age of 36 (in 4 days) then I never will.  While my family has always been a support for me, I've done this to myself.  My subconscious blames my mom since it is likely from her family line that I've gotten the PCOS gene.  I have no idea of the significance of the year 1971.  It was the year my husband was conceived...maybe it symbolizes his fertility dying as well??

Crap, I don't know.  I just know that I woke with the WORST feeling ever...sick, profoundly sad and heartbroken...looking for reasons why...

Hopefully y'all don't think I'm crazy since I cant control my subconscious.  this has seriously made me sick all day. Is it the anxiety of turning 36 in a few days?  I just don't know.  I pray to God that this awful nightmare doesn't repeat itself and I can actually get a restful sleep tonight.

Brain Flurries

Where do I start...  My mind has been a flurry of thoughts lately, so many things to think about.

In a previous blog I'd mentioned about our cat Sam getting sick shortly after Buddy died.  Last Saturday, after an emergency trip to the Animal Hospital and a major hit to our pocketbook, we lost our "little" Sammy to cancer.  I put little in quotes because anyone who ever saw Sam knew he was no little cat. I don't even feel like I've mourned him appropriately because I still feel a numbness from losing Buddy.  It is so weird how empty our house feels with Buddy and Sam missing.  We still have the 2 Chi's and our kitty Max, but we can definitely feel a difference.   For the first time in his life, Max is an only kitty.  It's easy to see how much he misses his cuddle buddy.  There was nothing little about Sammy.  From his many nicknames to his paws, he was huge.  I remember when we took  him to the vet as a kitten and asked the doctor, "How big do you think he's gonna get?"  The vet held him up and says "well when you switch him from kitty chow to adult formula, you may wanna go straight to the low cal stuff".  She was right.  In prime condition, Sam weighed about 22lbs.  (at his death, he weighed just about 16lbs or so).  I loved his little paws.  I don't know what about them was so cute but I loved them.  He was the only cat I've ever seen that had lips...like actual lips.  When he was a kitten he had this ginormous head and ears.  He reminded me of Yoda.  That would've been his name except I got outvoted by the husband.  So anyhow we're missing our little Sama-Bama. House feels empty and now he waits with Buddy at the Rainbow Bridge.

I'd also mentioned in a previous blog about feeling the need to paint our living room  prior to having a home study.  Well in case I needed a reminder that God does answer prayer and provide, a friend gifted us with everything we need to paint the living room...from drop cloths and brushes to tape and paint...everything! Sooooo guess what I'm doing on my next day off!

I've also been thinking about our birthmom (and dad) and continue to pray for her.  I've been thinking about what I would say in our autobiographies and our letter to her.  I'm still struggling with major feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I need to really "sell" us.  I have no idea what to say, where to start, where to end...  What do you say to a birthmom?  "Thank you" just seems sooooo inadequate and "Pick Me, Pick ME!!!" just seems so desperate!

So many things to think about...all the stuff that I want to do to the house, things I want to pay off.  Do I work after a baby comes to our home? Can we afford insurance if I don't work? Can we afford daycare if I do?  I HATE the thought of waiting so long for a baby then having to put him/her in daycare just for the insurance.  Then there's the cost of the adoption, homestudies, background checks and fingerprinting etc.  Our vet bill for the last two months would've paid for the homestudy.  Can you tell I worry about money all the time?  I don't know why.  God's always provided what we needed and I know He will provide for this if this is what we're supposed to do.

Another reminder of God's grace and provision and answered prayer...One of my friends who's struggled for many years to get pregnant is currently expecting.  I've prayed harder and more fervently for her than I have for any thing else in my life.  I check in with her frequently because I'm just as freaked out,  as scared and anxious as she is.  Probably bugs the crap out of her!   If you could please keep her in your prayers I'm sure we'd both appreciate it :)

Hmmm...think that's all for now.  I'm sure I'll have more brain flurries later.

All In My Head

Since Cliff and I decided we want to adopt I've had a flurry of thoughts in my head.  I've made a list of all the things I want to do before our first homestudy...clear out the spare room to make into a nursery, organize the computer room, paint the living room... I know the social worker wont care about the paint on the walls but I see 12 years of wear and I want everything to be perfect.  I know I'm not the greatest housekeeper and am hoping a fresh coat of paint will help camouflage that.  I know it's unreasonable to think that painting is something I HAVE to do prior to the homestudy but again...these are the thoughts in my head.

I am so excited about this process.  This is the first time in our marriage that Cliff and I have really been on the same page with this.  I love knowing that Cliff thinks about what we're doing.  He comes home from work and asks random questions that we've never really discussed before.  The other night his question was "So how do we feel about discipline?"  I guess it just makes me feel better knowing that it's on his mind throughout the day too.

I printed a general "homestudy check list" from a website.  I thought it would ease my mind a little to have a check list and be able to make sure I have everything in order.  Instead it kind of freaked me out.  Not only do I have to paint my house but I have to do all this stuff too?!?!? Commence anxiety attack in 3....2....1....

I know that we are having a HOMEstudy not a HOUSEstudy.  I know the social worker is going to be paying more attention to mine and Cliff's desire for a child than to when I dusted the furniture last (thank God).  It is highly improbable that the painting will be done.  At this point, I would just be happy to have all the laundry washed, dried and put away (as I sit here and type away on the laptop). 

I have a lot of apprehensions about the homestudy.  I worry that we're too old (some agencies wont work with people over the age of 40).  I worry that we wont be "good enough".  I worry that once again my weight will hinder my chances of motherhood...that I'll be too "unhealthy" to adopt.  I know it's silly...people older and heavier than me adopt all the time.  People who put their adopted children in cages were deemed "good enough" so surely Cliff and I have a chance right? *deep breath* Like my dad said, I need to change my mindset.  The "what-ifs" are killllllling me tho!

Priority on my list of things to do...praying for our birth mom.  I know that she may not have even conceived our baby yet but I am praying for her.  I know she is making a very difficult decision. I'm praying that God gives her the strength and peace she needs in making that decision. I know God already has our birth mom picked out.  That sounds wonderful..."our birth mom"..."our baby"...my baby. <insert warm fuzzy feeling here>

Decisions In The Making

Today Hubby and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary.  We took a couple days off to spend time together.  This allowed us to have discussions that might not have happened otherwise.  The biggest topic of discussion the last two days has been "where do we go from here?"  More infertility treatments?  Adoption?  What??  We talked about how much it scares us to spend an outrageous amount of money on fertility treatments that may or may not work.  Up to this point, out of all the things we've tried I've never had a confirmed pregnancy related to the treatments.  I believe I've had two miscarriages in the past but if they were, I had gotten pregnant without fertility meds and the pregnancies were never confirmed.  It's just a hunch on my part.  What if we spend thousands of dollars and I still don't get pregnant??  Then we're out all that money for nothing.  So we've decided to put our eggs in a different basket so to speak.  No I don't mean a surrogate.  We've decided to pursue adoption. 
I don't want it to seem like "oh well I can't get pregnant guess we'll see if someone wants to  give us their kid" or like it's a last resort.  I am however struggling with giving up my dream of experiencing pregnancy.  I've always dreamed of the maternity clothes, the kicks to the lungs and bladder, the baby's hiccups,  having that first ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat for the first time.  I've dreamed of the whole birth experience.  I remember waking one morning with horrible pain in my abdomen like I'd done a million sit ups or something.  I had dreamed that I had given birth.  My abdomen hurt from "pushing" in my sleep.  Imagine my disappointment when I awoke childless...again.  That dream seemed so very real.
I'm already overwhelmed by the information I've read about adoption thus far.  SO much to think about but now I have another dream.  My dream is that we find a birthmom who allows us to be there for the birth, have an open adoption with reasonable limitations, I get to bring a newborn home from the hospital, without forking over a bazillion dollars to an agency when we've done most of the work.  Is THIS dream possible??  If I have to give up one dream can I at least have this one come true?
Cliff and I've discussed so many things... We've determined that race/ethnicity is not an issue for us.  I don't care if the baby is black, white, purple with pink polka dots...doesn't matter.  We don't care about the gender of the baby.  We'd just be happy with a healthy baby.  I do know that I prefer a newborn but am willing to consider a child up to the age of two. We are ok with some contact with the birthmom after the birth/adoption.  Our child will always know that they grew in my heart not in my tummy. 
I have learned that in Washington, it is not legal to "advertise" that you are looking for a birthmom prior to having a home study, but I can mention it to my friends and family that this is the decision we've made.  What you choose to do with that information is up to you ;)
So I guess our next step is getting the homestudy.  I have no idea how to even begin this whole process so any prayers for discernment, guidance, and strength are welcome.  I appreciate everyone's support and prayers.  Stay tuned,  I may be asking you for reference letters or you may be interviewed for the homestudy :)

What's Going On

As you can see it's been a while since I've written a new blog.  I feel like a lot has been going on and a whole lot of nothing going on at the same time.  Over the last month my husband and I have struggled with our grief over the loss of our dog.  He comes up in conversation almost daily.  Personally, I am haunted by that day in the vet's office.  I've never had to euthanize an animal, much less a beloved pet.  The feelings that I had as we made the decision, then that sick in my gut feeling as I watched him take his last breath...I just can't seem to get them out of my mind.  I cry every time I think about it.
Since Buddy died I've gained about 5lbs :/  emotional eating along with depression= eating a package of Oreos mostly by myself.  Trying to remedy that beginning today.  Less than 2 weeks after Buddy died, my cat Sam got sick and had to spend the night at the vet. I was afraid we'd lose him too.  Added to the emotional eating, I haven't been able to exercise for about 6 weeks due to a stress fracture in my foot.  Turns out that my ambition to kick butt at the stair climbing at work has been to my detriment.  Word to the wise...start off slowly if you're not used to exercising.  My progressing too quickly is what led to the fracture and now I have to ease into walking over flat surfaces. 
I haven't been taking my meds the way I'm supposed to either.  Basically, I have not been taking care of myself for the last month.  Starting fresh today!

I haven't had a cycle since the med induced one in February.  Not doing any fertility stuff right now...hence the "lot of nothing" going on.  I'm really struggling with what my future holds as far as motherhood.  I nearly cried in the Taco Bell drive thru yesterday when I saw the car in front of me had a "happiness is being a grandparent" license plate frame.  All I could think was "I'll never know that happiness" :(  I wonder, will I ever get to be a mom?  Every time I turn around, there's another story about a parent harming their child, sometimes to the death.  I get angry.  Why couldn't God let ME have that baby!??!?   I would never harm a child.  They would be loved and protected and nurtured.  Why not me!?
Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately.  Frankly, I don't care how a child comes into our lives.  I just want a baby!  I'm reminded of when I was a little girl and wanted a horse.  I had this book of horses that I had with me all the time.  At night, I would turn the page to the horse that I wanted...an Arabian horse.  I would look out of my bedroom window and find a star...closing my eyes tightly I made a wish.  I would drift to sleep with prayers that the horse of my dreams would be tied to the tree outside of my window when I woke in the morning.  Sadly, I've never owned a horse.  I've dreamed of waking to find a baby on my doorstep, both literally and figuratively.  I fear that dream will never be realized as well. 

It's been particularly difficult for me these past couple of weeks.  Mother's day came and went.  I admit I skipped church that day.  I just couldn't sit there while the pastor preached a sermon about mothers (assumption on my part).  I did spend time with my mom and hubby's mom which was nice and did manage to take my mind of the fact that yet again I'm not a mother.  I feel like I can't spit at work without hitting someone who's pregnant.  One of my friends had her baby shower on Saturday and I just couldn't bear to go shopping for it.  Don't get me wrong.  I AM happy for my friends and coworkers but jealousy is definitely rearing its ugly head.  It just seems like everyone but me is getting pregnant.  So frikkin frustrating

I get to keep my niece again tomorrow.  I'm so thankful we live so close as I fear she may be the closest I ever get to having a child.  I try to do all the things with her that I would do with my own child.  Here's to hoping it's all good practice

Rainbow Bridge

Buddy 9/14/96-5/1/12

My heart is so sad.  On Tuesday, my husband and I had to say goodbye to our precious pound puppy, Buddy.  He's been a part of our family for 15+ years.  My husband and I adopted him from the pound when we'd been married for just 5 months.  I remember thinking "We should've just had a baby".  Buddy loved to sleep right between us, had to have his head on my pillow and was afraid of the dark. When we tried to get him to sleep in his own bed in our room, as soon as he heard Cliff start to snore I would feel one paw on the bed, then another, wait a few minutes, then the third paw.  If we stirred he'd wait then the whole Buddy was up on the bed slithering up in between us. I remember bringing him home like it happened yesterday.  He was named "Buddy" by accident.  While trying to think of a name we'd say things like "hey buddy" "our little buddy" "come here bud".  Eventually, that's all he would answer to, so Buddy he became.  He chewed everything.  Well, that's not true...he skipped the traditional shoe chewing and went straight for the couch.  I'll never forget patrolling the house for anything he  might try to chew up while I was at work.  The only things left out were his toys and his bed.  I came home from work to find my house covered in what looked like manna from heaven.  It was his bed...in iiiiiiiitty bitty pieces alllllllll over the house.  He loved to pester my cat, Sasha.  They would take turns chasing each other all over the house.
He was such a sweet dog.  I remember one time I was home with a migraine and Buddy brought me his rawhide and put it in my lap.  Thinking he wanted to play I tossed it to the floor and told him that I didn't feel like playing.  He picked it up again, placed it on my leg, nosed it up into my lap and gave me a look that said "take it.  It makes me feel better".  When I think about how he was a part of our lives for 15 years, I think about all the things we've been thru...all of the July 4th's where we had to medicate him to keep him somewhat sane during the fireworks, the illnesses, the surgeries (his and ours).  When he was happy to see you, it wasn't just his tail that wagged.  His whole body did.  I think fondly of the times our friend Shaun would come over and shout "BUDDYYYYYYYY!!!!" and Buddy would get so excited he'd pee all over the floor.  I think it was Shaun's personal goal to get him to pee ;)
I loved how whether we were gone all day at work or if we just went out to get the mail, Buddy would greet us as if we'd been gone for years!  He was a horrible attack dog unless it's possible to lick someone to death.  He was a great protector tho.  Any time Cliff was gone on a business trip, Buddy would go on "high alert" and was faithful to stay by my side until Cliff got home and he was "off duty".
In recent months, Cliff and I began noticing a bit of a decline in Buddy's health.  We attributed it to his age.  As far as we were concerned, after him making it thru bladder surgery a few years ago, we figured every day he was alive was just an extra bonus.  I was just talking about it with my sister in law on Tuesday.  After she left with my niece, Buddy began coughing as if he was going to vomit.  I put the dogs outside so he could do it out there.  He staggered around the yard for a minute or less then collapsed by the back door.  I watched to see if he would get up and when he didn't even raise his head I called Cliff at work.  I knew this was bad.  I called the vet to let them know we were coming in.  Cliff got home and we loaded Buddy into the truck.  We got to the vet's office and Cliff carried Buddy inside.  One of the techs did a quick triage and informed the doctor.  The doctor came in and said "it's probably not as bad as it seems" and he looked at me as I was bawling my eyes out.  After more questions and an exam of Buddy the doctor said he suspected a certain type of cancer.  Hemangiosarcoma...basically a cancer that grows on a blood vessel.  As the tumor grows, the part that is not right next to the vessel/blood supply begins to decay and can rupture leading to internal bleeding.  They did an xray and blood test.  The blood test indicated Buddy was very anemic (indicating internal bleeding) and the xray showed that he had so much fluid (blood) in his abdomen that the doc couldn't tell if a tumor was present.  The doctor said they could do further testing, exploratory surgery to verify that's what it was but he was pretty confident.  We knew Buddy would likely not survive a surgery at his age.  The doctor said that in these situations,  the animal can reabsorb the blood and recover...until the rupture happens again.  He said that IF Buddy recovered from this episode, the next would likely be fatal.  It could happen in a few months, weeks or even days.  We asked THE question...is it more reasonable/responsible/kind to euthanize him?  The doctor said that yes, it was VERY reasonable to do that.  I would like to think that if he thought Buddy had a chance of meaningful recovery that he would've told us that we should try the treatment options.  I think he thought that was what should happen as soon as he examined Buddy.  He was just afraid to jump right to that.  The people at the office were very nice.  They gave us time with him before the doctor came back in.  Since I've never been thru this he explained what would/could happen.  I'm grateful it happened so fast.  Buddy didn't even react to being poked.  He simply just stopped breathing.  The doctor listened as his heartbeat faded and let us know when it was over.  The doctor had told us we could stay with him as long as we wanted but we'd already said our goodbyes.  I had told him he was a good dog and we loved him and would miss him.  We cried, regained our composure and then left.  I cried this morning as I walked past his empty food dishes.  It breaks my heart to think that the dog that was with me nearly every day for 15 years is now gone.  I know he'll always be in my heart and is waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge.  (i know, i know...that's not theological but I kinda like the idea of it)

NIAW Day 7: Dont Ignore Infertility

It's been an interesting week for me.  It's the first time I've blogged every day (ok well technically Cliff wrote yesterday's).  It was more difficult than I thought it would be.  I had a tough time trying to come up with topics.  Seems like I've said it all before.  I hope this week has shed a little light on infertility and it's affect on the people suffering from it, how it affects all relationships not just marriages. I'm really not sure how to wrap up this week.  I want to end on a positive note but honestly I have a difficult time finding anything positive about infertility.  I guess a positive thing would be the friends I've met online who share this struggle with me.  First we were BLOCKheads and sisters then realized we're "cysters". ;) I'm sorry that it's a struggle for you too but am grateful that I don't have to go thru this alone.
This week has been about bringing awareness to infertility. The theme for the week is "Don't Ignore Infertility".  This week I got a glimpse of how people may feel/act towards me.  I have a friend whose boyfriend was killed a couple of weeks ago.  Yesterday was the first time I'd seen her since and I was at a loss as to what to say.  I didn't dare ask "How are you doing?".  I know the answer to that.  "He's in a better place"?  I would punch me for saying that!  What do you say to someone when you can't even begin to know how they feel?!  I did exactly what I've been "preaching" about all week.  I ignored the situation.  I smiled at her and completely avoided/ignored the heartache she's going thru.  I imagine that must be a little of how my friends feel towards me...not sure what to say, how to act.  It's easier to ignore the situation.  I guess it takes a little bit of courage to not ignore someone's struggles. 
I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read and comment on the blog.  The support, prayers, the hugs and just acknowledging that it is a difficult thing to go thru, are very appreciated. 
I'm thankful for my husband who is so private, taking the time to write a blog and put his thoughts and feelings out there for the world to see.  Love you Babe <3
 

 I'm thankful for those that share the heartache, for one day we will share in the joy!

NIAW Day 6: Infertility From His Perspective

Infertility Awareness week is coming to a close and Tamra wanted me to write about how I feel.  As all of you know Tamra has PCOS.  PCOS is a real difficult thing for a woman to go through and it is something I truly will not understand how it effects Tamra as a woman who desires to be a mother. It is tough for me to share my emotions in something that I feel is a condition that affects Tamra in a greater degree.  I feel as though my feelings shouldn't matter, that our focus should be on Tamra and helping her deal with and defeat this condition.
  Before I start I should introduce myself.  My name is Cliff and I am Tamra's husband. I have always imagined being a dad at some point. I think because I don't complain a lot or tell this to Tamra, that she forgets or doesn't know that I do desire to be a father.
  First of all, I am named after my dad and it is something we talked about, passing on the family name. Mom may have not liked it, but I do plan on passing on the name Cliff (Tamra doesn't care for it either). This is something I never shared with Tamra. I really did not want to add any extra pressure to her. She is already going through so much.
 Nothing I have been through compares to what she has been through. I've seen her poked and prodded and put on medicine that made her an emotional nightmare. I tried not to get aggravated with her. I would like to tell you I was the best husband ever and kept my cool, but that would be a lie. This roller coaster of emotions has made our marriage really trying at times. All I can say is when she hurts I hurt and I get mad! I get mad because there is nothing I can do to help her. After all a man is suppose to fix things, not stand by and let them run their course. Just hope I can be the supportive husband she needs.
  As far as my emotions: I tend not to be too emotional. It's not that I don't have emotions. It's just I don't show my emotions (most men are probably the same way). My lack of showing emotions leads to Tamra thinking I don't care, which makes things difficult. I just hope Tamra knows that I do hurt when she hurts.  I am sad when she is sad. I do care! I hope Tamra realizes that.
  Maybe one day we can have children. I am hopeful. I do feel the Lord will bless us with a family. Will that be kids of our own or will we adopt?  I don't know what the Lord has planned for us. All I know is that all things are possible for God.
  I am proud of Tamra! She is working on losing weight which could help us conceive.  She does this blog to release frustration and share her emotions, but not just that.  She shares what she learns about PCOS with others to help them. Come to find out there are a lot of women that suffer with this. I am proud to know some of you and I do wish the best for all of you!

I want to end with this. Tamra I love you more and more every day. I always will love you and I am glad you are my wife.  You are my best friend. Thank you for letting me write in your blog.

NIAW Day 5: If You Want Me To

Infertility 101: "You mean, it's not just me???"
Statistics according to the CDC website-

Number of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity (impaired ability to have children): 7.3 million

Percent of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity: 11.8%

Number of married women ages 15-44 that are infertile (unable to get pregnant for at least 12 consecutive months): 2.1 million

Percent of married women ages 15-44 that are infertile: 7.4%

Number of women ages 15-44 who have ever used infertility services: 7.3 million

If You want me to....I'll praise You in this storm

NIAW Day 4: The Cost of Infertility

Infertility 101:
What are the signs and symptoms?  Often there are no signs or symptoms associated with an infertility problem. Listening to your body and getting regular checkups will help to detect a problem. Early detection and treatment of a problem are often critical in achieving successful pregnancy outcomes later.


If you are dealing with infertility, you know exactly what I'm talking about in the title of this blog.  For those not dealing with infertility I'll fill you in.  The cost is much deeper than your pockets. 
The mental strain is, at times, insurmountable.  I've spoken in previous blogs about the depression that comes with the territory and is only exacerbated by the side effects of fertility meds.  Most of the time you feel like you may lose your mind at any given moment.  You have moments where you just wait for someone to say the one thing that will bring you to tears and you are powerless to control their flow.  You may lose friends or at least relationships may suffer as you retreat inside your personal pain.  You distance yourself from your friends or even family as they all become pregnant and start families of their own. You don't want your jealousy to become so evident that you can't even begin to camouflage it. You can't just call someone up on a Friday night to hang out because your friends need to find a sitter.  You may find that it's your friends who distance themselves because they are afraid they may say or do something to upset you, or maybe they're just sick of hearing about your fertility woes.  They may be offended when you can't come to their baby shower.  You no longer "fit in" with your friends because the conversations are all about what their kids are doing and you feel you have nothing to contribute.
Your relationship with your spouse may suffer.  Your sex life becomes regimented, timed, and even awkward.  Intimacy with your partner, the person who is supposed to share the burden with you, should never be awkward. 
Infertility can cost your self esteem.  You lose confidence in yourself as your body continues to fail every cycle.  You may have a condition that causes obvious changes to your body.  You may have a weight problem, which comes with it's own disgrace.  You may have a hormonal imbalance that causes facial hair, acne, skin tags, skin discolorations.  You struggle with your physical appearance daily until you just say "screw it.  this is as good as it gets". 
And of course, there is the financial cost.  Intra-Uterine Inseminations can cost between $300-$700 per cycle.  In-vitro fertilization can cost anywhere from $5,000 to $17,000 per cycle.  Consider that some couples need at least 3 IVF cycles before achieving success.  Usually office visits are not covered by insurance and often neither are the medications, or ultrasounds or anything else that may even remotely be "fertility" related.  Then there's all of the ovulation predictor kits and all of the pregnancy tests because you know you cant just pee on one stick. You gotta use all of them in the box because "that one might be defective" or "maybe it's just too early", or "wait! is that two lines or just one?" Couples are often left with a loan to pay off, maxed out credit cards, and sometimes still  are left childless and heartbroken.  The heartache that you must endure feels unbearable most days.  You know the commercials that say "Depression Hurts"?  Well so does infertility.  Like I said, the cost of infertility goes way deeper that just your pocket book.

NIAW Day 3

Infertility 101:

Who gets it?Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 30% of infertility is due to a female factor and 30% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained.

Have you ever thought about everything that has to take place for a woman to conceive?  Most people think man+woman+sex=baby.  Well I'm here to testify...that is NOT the case!

Did you know that not every woman's cycle is 28 days long?  Did you know that a woman only has a few days out of that cycle where she is fertile? Not only does intercourse have to be timed just right but there are hormones that have to spike/fall at certain times to induce ovulation, support implantation, maintain the pregnancy for at least 9 months.  Did you know that if the woman's cervical fluid is not the right consistancy the sperm will get trapped and not make it to the egg that's waiting to be fertilized? (How's THAT for enlightening!?)

I will never understand how someone can look into the face of their child and not acknowledge that there is a God.  The miracle that takes place to form a whole new human being from 2 little cells is mind blowing.  One little sperm and one little egg meet and grow into a whole new human being with it's own DNA, it's own spirit, it's own separate life.  How incredible is that?!?!?
It's amazing to me that from the time those cells meet, the baby's hair color, eye color, height, what diseases that person may be prone to, has all been determined.

Psalm 139:13-16
 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

NIAW Day 2

Infertility 101:
What is infertility?Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages and the woman is under 35 years of age. If the woman is over 35 years old, it is diagnosed after 6 months of unprotected, well-timed intercourse.

My history= I'm almost 36 years old and I've been off of any kind of birth control for 11 years.

I would like to add an addendum to yesterday's post.  I want to make sure my friends know that it was in no way meant to point fingers.  I know the things that have been said to me were said because you love me and you probably weren't sure what else to say!  It's ok. I understand :)

That being said, I figured yesterday was about what not to say so today be would about what TO say/do...

The following is taken from my friend Chani's Blog, with her permission of course.  I hate to just copy and paste but what she wrote is just perfect for how you can be a support and encouragement for me.

Please just be there for me. Be patient with me. Let me be angry. Let me have my breakdowns. Let me know that you're going to be there if I need you. If you see me post something on facebook, you don't have to give me advice. Just acknowledge that you see it. Don't ignore it. It hurts more when you don't acknowledge me. I know you don't know what to say, or you're afraid of offending me. So just let me know that you care. Say a prayer for me. Or send me good vibes. Whatever you believe in. Let me know you see me. It means more to me than you know. This is a lonely road. I have my girls that I talk to about it that are going through the same things, and it's nice to talk to people that truly understand. But it's also nice to know that my other friends care. Being positive can be really hard. To know that others care....it helps get through the roughest times.

ASK ME QUESTIONS! Please don't be shy. Honestly, it helps to talk about it. I'm a realist. I don't sugarcoat, so that's a warning. But don't make assumptions. Ask me. I'm an open book. If you have other friends that are going through these types of issues that aren't as open, it's good to have someone who will tell it like it is. But be prepared-hormones and emotions are all over the place. I'm not embarrassed to talk about any of it. If you ask questions, be prepared for a straight answer!

(Thanks Chani! I couldn't have said it better myself!)

Anyone who knows me knows that I've never kept my infertility a secret.  I've known since I started having periods that something was wrong and I would have a hard time conceiving.  Little did I know just how difficult it would be.  I'm thankful for my friends and family who support me and pray for me.  I'm thankful for the friends I've met who can speak my heart because unfortunately they are also suffering from infertility.  I'm grateful to have someone who knows exactly what I'm feeling and at times can put my feelings into words when I struggle with it.

By the way, a hug will go a long way with me...but beware, I may start crying :)

Infertility Awareness Week (April 22-28)

Is it sad that I wasn't even aware that this awareness week existed?  Oh well...now I know...and now you do too. 
I think my biggest campaign for infertility awareness is the etiquette piece.  So many well meaning people say some really stupid stuff.  I've included a link that will hopefully educate and make you more "aware" :)  Infertility Etiquette For Friends and Family
I know it is hard to know what to say to someone who is dealing with infertility.  It's probably along the same lines as when you find out someone has terminal cancer with a couple of weeks to live.  I mean, what do you say to them?!  There are no words of comfort to offer and everything you say is just going to sound really insensitive, uncaring,  and yes maybe/probably stupid.  From my own personal experience I can tell you what not to say... (in no particular order)

1)  "just relax!  if you stop thinking about it so much it will happen"  Telling a woman with infertility to NOT think about it is like saying "Please ignore the gigantic purple elephant in the corner over there"

2) "have you thought about adoption/IVF?"  For me this is just as dumb as when my brother's dog went missing and everyone's first question was "have you checked the pound?"  Gee...no...never thought of that!  Thank you so much for that suggestion

3) "you've got lots of kids in your life to lead and guide!"  Quite frankly, there are days where I don't really care about anyone else's child.  I want my own! Sorry if that seems rude but it's how I feel.

4) "you're so young!  You don't want a baby now"  Bite me.  You don't know how "old" my ovaries are.  And who the heck are you to be telling me what I want and when I want it

5)"you can have my kids"  I don't want your kids.  I want MY child/ren

6) "is the problem with you or with him?"  Does it really matter??  Fact is, there's a problem and unless you are an infertility specialist, chances are you won't be able to determine a solution based off the source of the "problem"

7) "I am SO SICK of being pregnant"  Trust me...when I hear that, it takes every ounce of my being to not slap you upside your head...hard...with a chair.  I would give anything/everything to experience what you are "suffering".  I want nothing more than to feel the kicks to my insides

Well those are just a few of my experiences...

I'll be posting something every day for Infertility Awareness Week, so check back for an interesting story, personal experience,  or tidbit of info.

Celebrating The Little Victories

So often we become overwhelmed by the "big problems" in our lives that we overlook the little victories.  Not wanting to take anything for granted, these are my victories this week.

• I took/sometimes ran the stairs at work every day for the last 2 weeks.
• It's taking me less time to recover after running the stairs at work for 2 weeks.
• I didn't die in the stairwell at work even tho there were times I thought I might
• I actually have muscles developing in my legs
• I can't see my gut sticking out past my boobs any more
• I'm finally down to only two chins
• My insulin levels, while not improving,  are not getting worse
• My testosterone level came down 20 points and is only 10 points away from where it was when I was having regular cycles without meds.
• My weight has not gone up at all this week

One of my favorite Scripture verses has always been Phillipians 4:13.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"

Losing weight may not seem like that big of a problem to you but I've struggled with it most of my life.  I've been bullied and teased because of it.  I've had my heart broken by words and actions because of it.  I've had my dreams of motherhood wounded by it.  It seems like an insurmountable obstacle when I think that I need to lose another 100lbs on top of the 47 that I've lost so far.  I can lose this extra weight because Jesus Christ gives me the strength to.  I don't have to be strong enough, because He is. 

I Get To

So often my posts seem negative...usually because I'm venting about the whole PCOS sucks/I can't get pregnant thing.  This past week I've had reminder upon reminder that there is so much to be thankful for.
This past week we marked the 24th year since my Uncle was killed by a drunk driver.  I never really had the chance to know him but I know my mom feels the pain of his loss.  The anniversary reminded me that life is but a vapor and can be dissipated at any moment.
Yesterday I lost a "sister".  For those of you not into the whole NKOTB thing there is a sisterhood that we share.  In our own weird (to you) little way we are a family. We are each other's support system.  We carry each other's burdens, share each other's interests and hurt when one of us hurts.  Yesterday Andrea was taken in a horrible car accident, leaving her family, her million sisters and 5 brothers to mourn her loss.  And yes, the members of NKOTB did take notice and offer their condolences.  Anyhow, Andrea was driving to work and then she was gone...a vapor in the wind.  How precious life is. How grateful we should be for the little things in life that are precious.  Often those "things" are not really things at all.  They are people.  I'm so very thankful for my family....For my husband who loves me no matter how gnarly I look in the mornings and tolerates my NKOTB obsession. I'm thankful for my parents and brothers, grandparents, aunts and uncles.  I've been blessed with amazing in-laws, 10 nieces and nephews, and 7 great-nieces and nephews.  I'm thankful for my 5 brothers and million sisters, who "get it".
Too often we focus on the things we have to do versus what we get to do.  I don't HAVE to go to work.  I GET to go to a job that has great health benefits.  I don't HAVE to go to church.  I GET to worship when people in other countries can't.  I don't HAVE to spend time with my family.  I GET to.
I'm also so very grateful that I get to spend my days off with my brother's daughter.  I get baby time and she gets spoiled.  It works out well for the both of us.  I never get anything done when she's here tho.  Not that I can't handle doing things around the house with a baby here, but like Aerosmith says "I don't wanna miss a thing".  My time with her is so precious to me that I don't want to spend it cleaning the bathroom (which I should be doing now) or doing dishes. I don't HAVE to watch her.  I GET to.  I don't have to change her diapers or make her bottles.  I GET to.  I don't HAVE to rock her to sleep and hold her while she dreams peacefully (although sometimes with her eyes open which REALLY grosses me out).  I GET to hold her.  These moments are my greatest joys.


I don't HAVE to do anything....I GET to!