I am nothing if not persistent... or stubborn, whatever you want to call it. I don't give up easily. So today, I try again. Today we are having our 3rd IUI. Gotta admit I'm a little scared. What if this one doesn't work either? Then I know that we have to move on to the more complicated/expensive stuff.
The good news is I think I may actually be ovulating this time. Even on fertility meds I still have long cycles and I think we've just been premature in our timing up to this point. I had ultrasound on Tuesday (CD 15) that showed I *actually* had a follicle that was *actually* the size we need for it to be! Exciting!! I told hubby and he seemed happy about the progress. Few things are funnier than your husband talking towards his lap saying "Alright boys! Better bring your "A" game!" TMI?? lol
I've also started "temping"...monitoring your basal temperature (your body temp when you first wake up). Your body temp fluctuates based on where you are in your cycle and you can determine if ovulation has occurred by the drops/spikes in temp. Thank God for a phone app that keeps track and charts it for you otherwise I might lose my mind.
I was a baking fool on Monday. Had appointments with both Dr Su and Dr Woon on Tuesday. I wanted to take them a little something to show my appreciation for their dedication to "my cause". I tried to do that with magic cookie bars and blondie brownies because I swear there aren't words enough to express my gratitude. Dr Su, yet again, came in on his day off to see me. I'm almost sure he's an angel 0:-)
Dr Woon is now out of the office for the next two weeks...yes, right at the time when I need him most. He has been kind enough to refer me to another acupuncturist for treatments for these two weeks. Getting a hold of her has been a royal pain and she's not returned my calls. I really don't need the stress of trying to schedule appointments with her. I doubt that as a secondary referral/new patient that she will be as accommodating as Dr Woon has been, which is kind of worrying me.
I'm scared of the depression that I'm sure will set in if this doesn't work. I just want to get pregnant just so I know it's even possible! I usually get depressed around this time of year anyway but to have this struggle on top of my usually holiday blues will be excruciating...again. I will likely not blog again until after the holidays. For one, I'll just be busy, as I'm sure you will be, getting ready for the holiday get-togethers. For another, this is the usual 2 week waiting period to see if this IUI "takes" or not. (Here's your fair warning that my first blog of 2012 may be a little depressing) I'm trying to stay positive but in the face of so much disappointment it's quite taxing on a soul...my soul to be exact. So in two weeks we will be heading into a New Year. Here's hoping that 2012 starts off on a POSITIVE note.
I pray Peace and Joy for you and your families this holiday season.
Have a Merry CHRISTmas!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
If At First You Don't Succeed...
Try, Try again...and again and again....then try some more.
This will be cycle #4 and IUI #3 (this go 'round) providing that my body responds to the Clomid. Tomorrow I start my 5 day regimen of 250mg of Clomid. Next Friday, I will be having an ultrasound to check for follicles. Dr Su is willing to do 3 IUI's before he refers you to a specialist. So I'm trying again. I'm not giving up. If I'm anything it's stubborn. It runs in the family.
I'm still in awe of what an awesome medical team I have. Both doctors I work with are just amazing to me. I swear it seems that Dr Su gets just as disappointed as I do when the IUI's don't work. I'm so fortunate to have such incredible, caring, compassionate, persistent doctors helping me.
I did cancel my endocrine appointment in Seattle. The only reason I wanted to see that doc was to get a referral to the PCOS guy here in Tacoma. Turns out that Dr Su can do the same referral so I figured why waste the gas and time to drive to Seattle.
I feel kind of bad...Today one of my coworkers was afraid to tell me she is pregnant. I hate that. I don't want people to feel like they cant tell me about their pregnancies. I do appreciate that she was sensitive to what I've been dealing with but I hate that people worry about telling me. Please know that I am truly happy for you if you are expecting. If you tell me you're pregnant, I promise you I will smile and congratulate you and most importantly I'll mean it! How I feel about my situation and my response to yours can literally be a flip of a coin at any given moment of any day. Today...right now... I'm doing ok...no tears, no self pity. I really am happy for her. Timing really is everything. Tomorrow could be different. I could have a totally different reaction but that's for me to deal with. It's what I have to do. The world doesn't stop because someone other than me gets pregnant. Oh sure, I could totally have a meltdown but then I pick myself up, dust myself off and carry on. Again, it's what I have to do :)
Changing the subject, I'm getting a little nervous. I'm making a wedding cake next weekend. The bride is someone I used to babysit. I made her first birthday cake. How's that for surreal? I always get nervous making cakes but for some reason I am SUPER nervous about this one. My head tells me it will be fine...now if someone could just tell my stomach to quit flip-flopping that would be swell.
So far this holiday season I've maintained my weight so that's a blessing. I haven't lost any more but I didn't gain any over Thanksgiving. I'd like to lose another 10lbs before seeing the PCOS guy (since he's the one who told me to have gastric bypass, lose 100lbs then come back to see him) I'm quite proud that I've lost 40lbs so far without having the surgery. I just knew it wouldn't matter if I had the surgery if I wasn't going to change the way I eat. I'd probably lose more if I would exercise. ;) I just hate to sweat...it's gross. I guess I'll have to bust out the elliptical again if I want to knock out that 10lbs. Who knows maybe I'll even knock out 20lbs!
*fingers crossed!
This will be cycle #4 and IUI #3 (this go 'round) providing that my body responds to the Clomid. Tomorrow I start my 5 day regimen of 250mg of Clomid. Next Friday, I will be having an ultrasound to check for follicles. Dr Su is willing to do 3 IUI's before he refers you to a specialist. So I'm trying again. I'm not giving up. If I'm anything it's stubborn. It runs in the family.
I'm still in awe of what an awesome medical team I have. Both doctors I work with are just amazing to me. I swear it seems that Dr Su gets just as disappointed as I do when the IUI's don't work. I'm so fortunate to have such incredible, caring, compassionate, persistent doctors helping me.
I did cancel my endocrine appointment in Seattle. The only reason I wanted to see that doc was to get a referral to the PCOS guy here in Tacoma. Turns out that Dr Su can do the same referral so I figured why waste the gas and time to drive to Seattle.
I feel kind of bad...Today one of my coworkers was afraid to tell me she is pregnant. I hate that. I don't want people to feel like they cant tell me about their pregnancies. I do appreciate that she was sensitive to what I've been dealing with but I hate that people worry about telling me. Please know that I am truly happy for you if you are expecting. If you tell me you're pregnant, I promise you I will smile and congratulate you and most importantly I'll mean it! How I feel about my situation and my response to yours can literally be a flip of a coin at any given moment of any day. Today...right now... I'm doing ok...no tears, no self pity. I really am happy for her. Timing really is everything. Tomorrow could be different. I could have a totally different reaction but that's for me to deal with. It's what I have to do. The world doesn't stop because someone other than me gets pregnant. Oh sure, I could totally have a meltdown but then I pick myself up, dust myself off and carry on. Again, it's what I have to do :)
Changing the subject, I'm getting a little nervous. I'm making a wedding cake next weekend. The bride is someone I used to babysit. I made her first birthday cake. How's that for surreal? I always get nervous making cakes but for some reason I am SUPER nervous about this one. My head tells me it will be fine...now if someone could just tell my stomach to quit flip-flopping that would be swell.
So far this holiday season I've maintained my weight so that's a blessing. I haven't lost any more but I didn't gain any over Thanksgiving. I'd like to lose another 10lbs before seeing the PCOS guy (since he's the one who told me to have gastric bypass, lose 100lbs then come back to see him) I'm quite proud that I've lost 40lbs so far without having the surgery. I just knew it wouldn't matter if I had the surgery if I wasn't going to change the way I eat. I'd probably lose more if I would exercise. ;) I just hate to sweat...it's gross. I guess I'll have to bust out the elliptical again if I want to knock out that 10lbs. Who knows maybe I'll even knock out 20lbs!
*fingers crossed!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sadness and Gratitude
I had a pregnancy test this morning that confirmed what I already knew...I'm not pregnant...still...again...whatever. Even though there is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very remote chance that it could be too early to tell, given my previous history and gut feeling, I doubt it. Nothing about this cycle "felt" right. It never seemed that the timing was what it should be. Even though I receive an injection that *should* make me ovulate, I never felt like that actually happened. I felt for days like "ok it will happen....aaaaaaany minute now" but never had that *pop* feeling I usually get (when I actually ovulate). I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to have another childless Christmas. I kept thinking about how cool it would be for my brother to make his announcement last year and then for me to have an announcement this year. I had thought of all these fun little ways I could make the big announcement to my family. (My brother already took the slideshow idea ;)) Guess I'll have to hold on to those ideas for a little while longer.
The holidays really suck for someone dealing with infertility. Everything is about pictures with santa, the new popular Christmas toys, children's Christmas plays. All blatant in your face tauntings of what is just out of my grasp.
Last Christmas was SO hard for me. I was in the midst of fertility treatments, all hopped up on hormones (ie a tornado waiting to touch down). I wasn't blogging at the time and had no outlet. I kept all the tears and frustration locked up inside. On Christmas Eve, my brother and his wife announced they were having a baby. That triggered a torrential flood of emotions that I was powerless to control. I hope this makes sense and no one's feeling are hurt by this. It wasn't that they were having a baby. I was thrilled about that! It's that I wasn't... again. At that moment it wouldn't have mattered who made the announcement. It wasn't me. I literally cried all night long. I cried myself to sleep, woke myself up crying and cried myself to sleep again. I cried in the shower while preparing to go to my brother's for our family's Christmas celebration. I cried up to the moment I got in the car to go. All of the hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, emptiness, pity and loneliness literally poured from the depth of my soul. I hurt so bad. Rest assured I am NOT suicidal and would never take my own life so don't confuse what I'm about to say for "suicidal ideations". In those moments I thought of ways to cause pain to my body so that my heart wouldn't hurt so much. It was in those moments I realized what a "cutter" feels and the logic in their thinking. My husband couldn't understand how I was feeling. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. I was so excited at the prospect of my new niece or nephew and to find out he/she was due to arrive around my birthday? C'mon! What better gift could I ask for!? I knew it would be hard though. I knew all of the talk would be about Gin's pregnancy and the impending arrival of Baby Poo. I also knew I couldn't skip out on Christmas. I didn't want to take away from everyone else's excitement. They didn't need my pity party. So I gathered what control I could muster and went to celebrate with my family. I looked like I'd gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson. My eyes were SO swollen and puffy and my throat hurt from choking back the tears. I didn't want anyone to know that I had been crying and was on the verge of crying some more. I was really hoping to not have any more days like that. But unfortunately today is one of those days. Again, I cried in the shower, while I was getting ready for work. Thought I had composed myself but didn't even make it to my desk before I started crying again. Sometimes it feels so good to cry and just let it go. With infertility, you hold back so much because so many people feel it's such a private thing or maybe even shameful. Crying just lets it all out.
So another Christmas is on the horizon and here I sit crying my eyes out again. I feel ashamed for my tears because I know there are worse things than not being pregnant. My best friend's dad has prostate cancer and the prognosis is not good. I guess there is no delicate way of saying that :/ From what I've heard, this could likely be his last Christmas here on Earth. I should be focusing on how I can help my friend and be there for her instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself. The holidays are hard for many people...not just me. I'm struggling with taking the focus off of myself and remembering what the holiday is about. A Savior was born. It's His birth we celebrate. It's because of that birth that I can say with certainty that my friend's dad will have a grand Homecoming when God calls him home.
My friend's dad retired yesterday after being a pastor for many years. He was pastor of the church where my husband and I met. He performed our wedding ceremony. He's been an integral part of my life for 21 years. During his retirement service they were taking testimonies and stories about Pastor Dave. I wanted to say something but I was an emotional mess and I'm pretty sure no one would've been able to understand me. I'm almost positive he is not one of my blog readers but I want to tell YOU what an awesome guy he is. When I first moved from Florida to Washington, his daughter was the first new friend I made. She and I shared many sleepovers, birthday parties, random Friday nights. She was my maid of honor and is that friend who knows all my secrets but loves me anyway. She and her parents invited me into their home on many occasions. I was privileged to see what a Godly man her dad is. He's been there for me in so many ways when my own father couldn't be. He was there for me when I had problems with my family. He came to my highschool graduation. He was there for me when I had some difficulty in my marriage. How do you say thank you to the man who has been a mentor, father figure, spiritual leader, counselor? He has set such a wonderful example about what it means to "pray without ceasing". Until I met him, I'd never known someone who was in a constant state of prayer. Used to scare me to death when he'd take us to the mall. Sometimes I think there was more praying going on than driving but it sure taught me about praying! I am so very thankful for him and the example that he's been to me all these years. I'm so thankful that he (and his lovely wife Marsha) raised such an awesome lady that I can call my friend. I'm blessed by his presence in my life and so very thankful that God put him there when He did. He is always setting the example of what a Christian should be. Whether standing behind a pulpit or not, his life preaches a sermon. I just hope I pay enough attention to apply it to my life. Thank you Pastor Dave for...well, everything. :)
The holidays really suck for someone dealing with infertility. Everything is about pictures with santa, the new popular Christmas toys, children's Christmas plays. All blatant in your face tauntings of what is just out of my grasp.
Last Christmas was SO hard for me. I was in the midst of fertility treatments, all hopped up on hormones (ie a tornado waiting to touch down). I wasn't blogging at the time and had no outlet. I kept all the tears and frustration locked up inside. On Christmas Eve, my brother and his wife announced they were having a baby. That triggered a torrential flood of emotions that I was powerless to control. I hope this makes sense and no one's feeling are hurt by this. It wasn't that they were having a baby. I was thrilled about that! It's that I wasn't... again. At that moment it wouldn't have mattered who made the announcement. It wasn't me. I literally cried all night long. I cried myself to sleep, woke myself up crying and cried myself to sleep again. I cried in the shower while preparing to go to my brother's for our family's Christmas celebration. I cried up to the moment I got in the car to go. All of the hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, emptiness, pity and loneliness literally poured from the depth of my soul. I hurt so bad. Rest assured I am NOT suicidal and would never take my own life so don't confuse what I'm about to say for "suicidal ideations". In those moments I thought of ways to cause pain to my body so that my heart wouldn't hurt so much. It was in those moments I realized what a "cutter" feels and the logic in their thinking. My husband couldn't understand how I was feeling. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. I was so excited at the prospect of my new niece or nephew and to find out he/she was due to arrive around my birthday? C'mon! What better gift could I ask for!? I knew it would be hard though. I knew all of the talk would be about Gin's pregnancy and the impending arrival of Baby Poo. I also knew I couldn't skip out on Christmas. I didn't want to take away from everyone else's excitement. They didn't need my pity party. So I gathered what control I could muster and went to celebrate with my family. I looked like I'd gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson. My eyes were SO swollen and puffy and my throat hurt from choking back the tears. I didn't want anyone to know that I had been crying and was on the verge of crying some more. I was really hoping to not have any more days like that. But unfortunately today is one of those days. Again, I cried in the shower, while I was getting ready for work. Thought I had composed myself but didn't even make it to my desk before I started crying again. Sometimes it feels so good to cry and just let it go. With infertility, you hold back so much because so many people feel it's such a private thing or maybe even shameful. Crying just lets it all out.
So another Christmas is on the horizon and here I sit crying my eyes out again. I feel ashamed for my tears because I know there are worse things than not being pregnant. My best friend's dad has prostate cancer and the prognosis is not good. I guess there is no delicate way of saying that :/ From what I've heard, this could likely be his last Christmas here on Earth. I should be focusing on how I can help my friend and be there for her instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself. The holidays are hard for many people...not just me. I'm struggling with taking the focus off of myself and remembering what the holiday is about. A Savior was born. It's His birth we celebrate. It's because of that birth that I can say with certainty that my friend's dad will have a grand Homecoming when God calls him home.
My friend's dad retired yesterday after being a pastor for many years. He was pastor of the church where my husband and I met. He performed our wedding ceremony. He's been an integral part of my life for 21 years. During his retirement service they were taking testimonies and stories about Pastor Dave. I wanted to say something but I was an emotional mess and I'm pretty sure no one would've been able to understand me. I'm almost positive he is not one of my blog readers but I want to tell YOU what an awesome guy he is. When I first moved from Florida to Washington, his daughter was the first new friend I made. She and I shared many sleepovers, birthday parties, random Friday nights. She was my maid of honor and is that friend who knows all my secrets but loves me anyway. She and her parents invited me into their home on many occasions. I was privileged to see what a Godly man her dad is. He's been there for me in so many ways when my own father couldn't be. He was there for me when I had problems with my family. He came to my highschool graduation. He was there for me when I had some difficulty in my marriage. How do you say thank you to the man who has been a mentor, father figure, spiritual leader, counselor? He has set such a wonderful example about what it means to "pray without ceasing". Until I met him, I'd never known someone who was in a constant state of prayer. Used to scare me to death when he'd take us to the mall. Sometimes I think there was more praying going on than driving but it sure taught me about praying! I am so very thankful for him and the example that he's been to me all these years. I'm so thankful that he (and his lovely wife Marsha) raised such an awesome lady that I can call my friend. I'm blessed by his presence in my life and so very thankful that God put him there when He did. He is always setting the example of what a Christian should be. Whether standing behind a pulpit or not, his life preaches a sermon. I just hope I pay enough attention to apply it to my life. Thank you Pastor Dave for...well, everything. :)
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Round 3
So if we're Facebook friends you already are aware of some of this info but I'm well aware that I have blog readers that are not on FB so here's the DL on what's going on this cycle.
I had a couple of acupuncture appointments this week and a couple of ultrasounds to check for follicles. The first ultrasound I had indicated that I had multiple follicles this time, about 5 on one side and 4 on the other. Seems like good odds right?? Unfortunately the next ultrasound I had indicated that there hadn't been much, if any change in the follicle size. Didn't seem like the meds had worked this time either, but Dr Su wanted me to come in again to check one more time. So after 2 days of fervent prayer I went in again this morning for another scan. I had Cliff go with me because if I hadn't responded to the meds again I was going to bring up the ovarian drilling procedure again. Evidently Dr Su had a difficult time finding my left ovary with the ultrasound wand and it was quite uncomfortable as he searched for it. Finally he found it and my follicles :) Yep multiple follicles that are the right size for us to pursue another IUI. So I went into Urgent Care for a nurse to do my HCG trigger injection tonight and looks like we're a go for Monday. When the nurses did the injections in my hips, evidently I bled quite a bit because both of the nurses we're like "Oh! You are QUITE the bleeder! What are your periods like?!" Lady, don't even get me started! lol
It always makes me nervous getting the injections in urgent care because they don't always have alot of experience with mixing the HCG injection and they have to sit and read the instructions that come with the vials. I always worry "are they mixing them right? did they give me the right dose and still leave enough for next weeks shots?" I just have to trust that they know better than I about the mixing (although I do usually have to educate them a little about the process).
So anyhoooo, if you could please pray for us on Monday (and for the next two weeks) I would sure appreciate it.
The last blog I wrote I asked if any readers had questions for me about my personal experiences or about PCOS. Surprisingly, I did actually have some questions sent in.
The first question comes from a "big fan"/stalker of mine. <her words, not mine She's also a dear friend who asks...
I had a couple of acupuncture appointments this week and a couple of ultrasounds to check for follicles. The first ultrasound I had indicated that I had multiple follicles this time, about 5 on one side and 4 on the other. Seems like good odds right?? Unfortunately the next ultrasound I had indicated that there hadn't been much, if any change in the follicle size. Didn't seem like the meds had worked this time either, but Dr Su wanted me to come in again to check one more time. So after 2 days of fervent prayer I went in again this morning for another scan. I had Cliff go with me because if I hadn't responded to the meds again I was going to bring up the ovarian drilling procedure again. Evidently Dr Su had a difficult time finding my left ovary with the ultrasound wand and it was quite uncomfortable as he searched for it. Finally he found it and my follicles :) Yep multiple follicles that are the right size for us to pursue another IUI. So I went into Urgent Care for a nurse to do my HCG trigger injection tonight and looks like we're a go for Monday. When the nurses did the injections in my hips, evidently I bled quite a bit because both of the nurses we're like "Oh! You are QUITE the bleeder! What are your periods like?!" Lady, don't even get me started! lol
It always makes me nervous getting the injections in urgent care because they don't always have alot of experience with mixing the HCG injection and they have to sit and read the instructions that come with the vials. I always worry "are they mixing them right? did they give me the right dose and still leave enough for next weeks shots?" I just have to trust that they know better than I about the mixing (although I do usually have to educate them a little about the process).
So anyhoooo, if you could please pray for us on Monday (and for the next two weeks) I would sure appreciate it.
The last blog I wrote I asked if any readers had questions for me about my personal experiences or about PCOS. Surprisingly, I did actually have some questions sent in.
The first question comes from a "big fan"/stalker of mine. <her words, not mine She's also a dear friend who asks...
Q: Have you been diagnosed with diabetes? Are you going to
have your endocrinologists test you for that?
A: No thankfully, I have not yet been diagnosed with Diabetes.
I've had normal glucose tolerance tests. I did have two
tests indicating high insulin levels but the second test value
had improved after I began a regimen of metformin. I do plan
on bringing these tests up when I see the Endocrinologist
in December.
So more to come on that :)
The next couple of blogs I will address the questions regarding surrogates
and also about dealing with infertility and the holidays.
Again, thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. They are greatly appreciated!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
*Insert Clever Blog Title Here*
Not sure what to call this blog. "Update" seems kind of redundant since that's pretty much all this blog is. Seems like so much has happened since my last entry but at the same time seems like a lot of nothing.
The major happening of these last couple of weeks and probably the most sad news I have is that my friend Chani who had just found out she was pregnant at my last writing, has lost the baby. I can only imagine the profound sadness and disappointment she must be going through. Please keep her in your prayers as she faces another pregnancy loss.
As for me and how I'm doing...
You know that Cliff and I had discussed adopting a child. While that is not completely off the table, i am REALLY having a hard time abandoning my dream of conceiving and giving birth to my child. I know that adopting doesn't make me any less of a mother but my heart's desire is to birth my own child. Sometimes that seems like too much to ask for. As much as I am able to pursue fertility treatment options, that is what I'm planning on doing right now. Dr Su is willing to do 2 more IUI's so there's still a chance.
I had an ultrasound on Wednesday to see how that pesky cyst was doing and it had gone down to 1cm. Dr Su said that we would be able to begin Clomid again this cycle so tonight I take my 4th out of 5 doses of Clomid. He's increased it to 250mg. So far the side effects have been pretty minimal with the exception of the vision disturbances again. Waking up in the morning is just that much more fun when it seems like you're waking to a bazillion flashbulbs going off....oh, and the hot flashes *wipes forehead*
I had an acupuncture appointment on Friday and spent most of the appointment catching him up since I haven't seen him since August. I have another ultrasound scheduled on Tuesday (I'm surprised my ovaries don't glow in the dark by now with all the radiological exams I've had done). Then I have another acupuncture appointment on Wednesday. I'm SO very thankful that both Dr Su and Dr Woon are sensitive to the timing issues with this and are so flexible in getting me in for appointments. One less thing I need to worry and fret about.
I went to Barnes and Nobles today and bought every book they had on PCOS...both of them. I'm not really surprised about the lack of info out there. What's really frustrating is that everyone's answer to "curing" PCOS is weightloss. Then I read that the weightloss ratio is 3 to 1...being that, as hard as it is for the "average" person to lose 3 pounds? That's how hard it is for a "cyster" to lose one pound. SO frustrating but at the same time it makes me all the more proud of the weight I've lost and kept off...for the most part. I'm really struggling with my potato addiction. I LOVE potatoes! Any way, shape or form! LOVE 'em! aaaaannnd they're my arch nemesis having PCOS. If you could pray that potatoes would start to taste like something nasty, that could help me a bunch...
Oh and I did ask Dr Su about the ovarian drilling. He said that it's more for women who don't ovulate on meds. Because I have ovulated on the meds I don't meet the "criteria". Imay will bring it up again if I don't ovulate again on this cycle. That would be 2 out of 3 times that I didn't ovulate on the meds. So we'll see...fingers crossed that my body responds to the medications.
I also have an appointment with an endocrinologist on Dec 1. Another frustrating aspect of PCOS is this- had I been diagnosed with cancer, the doctor would've laid out a plan for my treatment. "Alright, you'll need to see an oncologist, have chemo, maybe radiation and surgery" etc. But with PCOS, it was "Yup, you have PCOS. See you in two years for your next pap". Uuuuuhhh, thanks? No one ever said "maybe you should see an endocrinologist". So I have an appointment...in Seattle...yuk. Oh and remember when I talked about seeing the doctor who told me to take my fertility money, have gastric bypass and lose 100lbs, then come back to see him? Yeah I found out he's the PCOS guy at that clinic. I've struggled with do I go back to him? He IS an endocrinologist and he's the PCOS specialist. When I saw him the first time, I know I was super sensitive to what he said. He had said that I probably didn't need IVF. I just needed to ovulate. He wasn't saying he wouldn't help me have a baby. He just didn't think it was necessary for me to spend money on an expensive procedure that may not be needed. He IS more conveniently located than a doctor in Seattle who is only in the office on Thursdays and Fridays (my day off is Tuesday). So I'm hoping the endo doc in Seattle will refer me to this guy who's more local.
In closing, my reasons for doing this blog in addition to being my own shoulder to cry on and venting thru this outlet, is to educate people about PCOS. So I'm curious if anyone reads this blog and has questions about PCOS? Or if you have something about me personally and my struggles with PCOS and infertility that you would like to ask? For example, I know some have asked if we've considered a surrogate. The short answer is yes and I'm sure that will be a future blog topic. Anyhow, if there's anything you're curious about email your questions to lilpoobear76@hotmail.com with BLOG in the subject line and I will answer them in future blogs. At this point, i am an open book! i really just want to make people more aware of this stupid disease.
Thanks again for taking the time to read.
More updates soon :)
The major happening of these last couple of weeks and probably the most sad news I have is that my friend Chani who had just found out she was pregnant at my last writing, has lost the baby. I can only imagine the profound sadness and disappointment she must be going through. Please keep her in your prayers as she faces another pregnancy loss.
As for me and how I'm doing...
You know that Cliff and I had discussed adopting a child. While that is not completely off the table, i am REALLY having a hard time abandoning my dream of conceiving and giving birth to my child. I know that adopting doesn't make me any less of a mother but my heart's desire is to birth my own child. Sometimes that seems like too much to ask for. As much as I am able to pursue fertility treatment options, that is what I'm planning on doing right now. Dr Su is willing to do 2 more IUI's so there's still a chance.
I had an ultrasound on Wednesday to see how that pesky cyst was doing and it had gone down to 1cm. Dr Su said that we would be able to begin Clomid again this cycle so tonight I take my 4th out of 5 doses of Clomid. He's increased it to 250mg. So far the side effects have been pretty minimal with the exception of the vision disturbances again. Waking up in the morning is just that much more fun when it seems like you're waking to a bazillion flashbulbs going off....oh, and the hot flashes *wipes forehead*
I had an acupuncture appointment on Friday and spent most of the appointment catching him up since I haven't seen him since August. I have another ultrasound scheduled on Tuesday (I'm surprised my ovaries don't glow in the dark by now with all the radiological exams I've had done). Then I have another acupuncture appointment on Wednesday. I'm SO very thankful that both Dr Su and Dr Woon are sensitive to the timing issues with this and are so flexible in getting me in for appointments. One less thing I need to worry and fret about.
I went to Barnes and Nobles today and bought every book they had on PCOS...both of them. I'm not really surprised about the lack of info out there. What's really frustrating is that everyone's answer to "curing" PCOS is weightloss. Then I read that the weightloss ratio is 3 to 1...being that, as hard as it is for the "average" person to lose 3 pounds? That's how hard it is for a "cyster" to lose one pound. SO frustrating but at the same time it makes me all the more proud of the weight I've lost and kept off...for the most part. I'm really struggling with my potato addiction. I LOVE potatoes! Any way, shape or form! LOVE 'em! aaaaannnd they're my arch nemesis having PCOS. If you could pray that potatoes would start to taste like something nasty, that could help me a bunch...
Oh and I did ask Dr Su about the ovarian drilling. He said that it's more for women who don't ovulate on meds. Because I have ovulated on the meds I don't meet the "criteria". I
I also have an appointment with an endocrinologist on Dec 1. Another frustrating aspect of PCOS is this- had I been diagnosed with cancer, the doctor would've laid out a plan for my treatment. "Alright, you'll need to see an oncologist, have chemo, maybe radiation and surgery" etc. But with PCOS, it was "Yup, you have PCOS. See you in two years for your next pap". Uuuuuhhh, thanks? No one ever said "maybe you should see an endocrinologist". So I have an appointment...in Seattle...yuk. Oh and remember when I talked about seeing the doctor who told me to take my fertility money, have gastric bypass and lose 100lbs, then come back to see him? Yeah I found out he's the PCOS guy at that clinic. I've struggled with do I go back to him? He IS an endocrinologist and he's the PCOS specialist. When I saw him the first time, I know I was super sensitive to what he said. He had said that I probably didn't need IVF. I just needed to ovulate. He wasn't saying he wouldn't help me have a baby. He just didn't think it was necessary for me to spend money on an expensive procedure that may not be needed. He IS more conveniently located than a doctor in Seattle who is only in the office on Thursdays and Fridays (my day off is Tuesday). So I'm hoping the endo doc in Seattle will refer me to this guy who's more local.
In closing, my reasons for doing this blog in addition to being my own shoulder to cry on and venting thru this outlet, is to educate people about PCOS. So I'm curious if anyone reads this blog and has questions about PCOS? Or if you have something about me personally and my struggles with PCOS and infertility that you would like to ask? For example, I know some have asked if we've considered a surrogate. The short answer is yes and I'm sure that will be a future blog topic. Anyhow, if there's anything you're curious about email your questions to lilpoobear76@hotmail.com with BLOG in the subject line and I will answer them in future blogs. At this point, i am an open book! i really just want to make people more aware of this stupid disease.
Thanks again for taking the time to read.
More updates soon :)
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Rejoicing and Calling All Prayer Warriors!!
Hi friends,
Remember a few blogs back I mentioned about meeting ladies online who were struggling with infertility as well and asked for your prayers for one of them in particular? She and her husband have trying to conceive for many years (12 I think) and she has a history of a previous miscarriage. Well this morning during church, as our pastor preached on God's faithfulness, I received a message from my friend. With her blessing, I am ecstatic to report that she is pregnant!!! I am SO thrilled for her. Coinciding with Pastor's message this morning reinforces to me that God IS faithful. He DOES hear our prayers. I am so encouraged by this news and it thrills my heart! The tears I cried were tears of joy and hope.
I can only imagine the thoughts flying thru her brain right now! The joy and excitement, the trepidation and fear. She has asked for prayer and I am asking you, my friends to join me in praying for her, her husband and their baby. Please pray that if God wills, that He will cover that little baby with His mighty hands and that the baby will grow strong and healthy to full term. Please pray for my friend that God will calm her spirit and give her peace. Here is her blog if you wish to follow her story directly. Chani's Place Whether you follow her blog or not would you please, please lift her up before God even as you read this post? Thank you!
TP
Remember a few blogs back I mentioned about meeting ladies online who were struggling with infertility as well and asked for your prayers for one of them in particular? She and her husband have trying to conceive for many years (12 I think) and she has a history of a previous miscarriage. Well this morning during church, as our pastor preached on God's faithfulness, I received a message from my friend. With her blessing, I am ecstatic to report that she is pregnant!!! I am SO thrilled for her. Coinciding with Pastor's message this morning reinforces to me that God IS faithful. He DOES hear our prayers. I am so encouraged by this news and it thrills my heart! The tears I cried were tears of joy and hope.
I can only imagine the thoughts flying thru her brain right now! The joy and excitement, the trepidation and fear. She has asked for prayer and I am asking you, my friends to join me in praying for her, her husband and their baby. Please pray that if God wills, that He will cover that little baby with His mighty hands and that the baby will grow strong and healthy to full term. Please pray for my friend that God will calm her spirit and give her peace. Here is her blog if you wish to follow her story directly. Chani's Place Whether you follow her blog or not would you please, please lift her up before God even as you read this post? Thank you!
TP
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Quick Update
I had my ultrasound this morning and it confirmed that I do have a cyst on my left ovary about 4cm. It's still weird to me that it's on my left side since it's my right side where I feel so much discomfort. The tech said I have the typical PCOS cysts on both ovaries (lots of little cysts) and then there's the larger one on the left. Dr Su called me by lunchtime with the results and said we would not be able to do clomid again until the cyst goes down in size. He suggested that if we want to do clomid again that I see him in the beginning of November (in about 5 weeks) to see how things are at that time. He basically said this will give me time to "cycle out". So more waiting...
I've decided that I AM going to ask him about the ovarian drilling procedure. I want to know how successful, how dangerous, has HE ever actually done one, and is it something that he would recommend as treatment for my PCOS/lack of ovulating problems.
In the mean time, I am prepping for the fostering/adoption process (again, SHOULD that be the route we take). Getting a little more organized is a necessity for me whether we adopt or not. I actually spent today trying to clean out and organize a little. I'm shredding so much paper that it looks like Enron around here. It's amazing to me how much crap I have around my house. (Did I mention I have a slight hoarding problem?) I'm not "careful, you'll find a dead animal carcass" bad but I do need to get a handle on this problem. So there's the update.
I'd also like to thank each person who reads this for their support, love, kind words and prayers. I appreciate it more than I can say.
Thank you!
TP
I've decided that I AM going to ask him about the ovarian drilling procedure. I want to know how successful, how dangerous, has HE ever actually done one, and is it something that he would recommend as treatment for my PCOS/lack of ovulating problems.
In the mean time, I am prepping for the fostering/adoption process (again, SHOULD that be the route we take). Getting a little more organized is a necessity for me whether we adopt or not. I actually spent today trying to clean out and organize a little. I'm shredding so much paper that it looks like Enron around here. It's amazing to me how much crap I have around my house. (Did I mention I have a slight hoarding problem?) I'm not "careful, you'll find a dead animal carcass" bad but I do need to get a handle on this problem. So there's the update.
I'd also like to thank each person who reads this for their support, love, kind words and prayers. I appreciate it more than I can say.
Thank you!
TP
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
A Fork in the Road
Oh man...SO many thoughts in my head I don't know where to begin. Forgive me but I'm almost guaranteed to ramble and my thoughts probably won't flow very well in this post.
Ok so here I am on cycle day??? Probably into the 50's by now. Frankly I stopped counting. Had a doctor's appointment today and...wait...I'm getting ahead of myself.
You know how you're driving and you know there's more than one route to take to your destination but you're so used to going the same way that you think "Maybe today I'll take a different route" but then you find yourself following the same worn path that you've always trod along? Or you're happily driving along and all of a sudden somebody holler's out from the passenger seat "TURN RIGHT NOW!"?
I remember when Travis and I were kids we used to drive the little John Deere lawnmower around like a go-cart. Yes we're rednecks. We had a lot of land in the back of our property that had little paths that had been cleared. We loved riding our bikes and the John Deere on these paths...our own little adventures on our own private little roads. One day it was my turn to drive but I wanted Trav to enjoy the ride too. I was taking one path when we came to a fork in the "road". Without slowing down at all (oh yeah I had that baby in 5th gear!) I asked Travis "which way do you want to go?" Before I knew it he was saying the opposite of the direction I was heading! I tried to turn but you know that John Deere doesn't have a very good turning radius and BAM! right into a tree. Sure it was a small tree but a tree's a tree ya know?! If I remember correctly it was small enough that we just went right over it, but it sure was a bumpy ride. (Promise this will makes sense later...)
So this weekend my mom is telling me about two babies who are part of a set of triplets that the mother has basically abandoned. Then my mother in law tells me about a young teen who's decided to give her baby up for adoption. I dreamed about these babies all weekend. I KNOW I can give them the home and love they need. I appreciate that people hear/share stories like this because they feel that I would be a good mom for these babies, but quite frankly it doesn't mean anything unless someone is putting the baby in my arms and saying "Here Tamra. We want you to have our baby". Without that, it's just one more instance of someone who shouldn't be having babies being able to conceive and then not knowing what to do with said baby. Did I mention that my mother in law also mentioned that she goes to church with a guy who works with a Christian foster-to-adopt program (or as Cliff affectionately refers to it, the "rent-to-own" program) and is bringing my MIL the info we need about the program?
Now jumping back to January...my amazing friend Beth has been on a very similar journey. She's wanted a child for so long and in January she got "the call"! Her adoption situation prompted me to ask Cliff about his thoughts. We were sitting in one of our favorite restaurants and I asked "so would you be open to adopting?" I promptly learned the value of "if you don't want the answer...don't ask the question". My heart broke into a million pieces as he said that adoption was not something he wanted to pursue. He didn't know that I had just had the "if you don't conceive by the age of 36, you never will" talk with 2 of my doctors. Here I had no other option but to conceive. No pressure right? Later when I was able to compose myself I told him what the doctors had said. This is when we forged the plan to go back to Dr Su (the doctor who had done our IUI's nearly 10 years ago), try 3 more IUI's and then we needed to explore our options if those IUI's were unsuccessful. Now fast forward to Sunday when I was helping my mother in law with the lunch dishes and she's telling me about this teenager who wants to give her baby up for adoption. I told her "that's nice but I don't think that's something that Cliff would want to do". She says "Really? He sounded interested when I talked to him this past week about it"...Ummm....WHAT?!?!?!?
Here I've been happily "driving along" on my Clomid/IUI journey and all of a sudden my passenger screams out "TURN RIGHT NOW!". I'm at a fork in the road and praying to God I don't hit a tree! (told ya it'd make sense). All weekend long I thought about these babies and the many others that need loving homes, a loving home that I know I can provide. Are we supposed to adopt??
I contacted Dr Su last week to let him know that I still hadn't started a cycle and was still having quite a bit of pain in my lower abdomen. Even tho he was scheduled to be in surgery today he still worked me in. His plan was to do an ultrasound and see where I am in my non-existent cycle and see if we could start another round of Clomid. Cliff and I had the discussion...should we even waste the money trying Clomid/IUI's again? Should we just save that money for the adoption process, should that be the route we take? For those keeping track, I've been off birth control for 10 years, done countless rounds of Clomid, and 3 IUI's to date, had numerous cycles where my body did not even respond to the Clomid. I've never had a confirmed pregnancy (I believe I've had two miscarriages very early into the pregnancy before I would've known I was pregnant) but with those being unconfirmed I'm going on the assumption that I've never been pregnant. NOTHING has worked...why keep throwing money away. So at my doctor's appointment today, Dr Su found that I have a cyst on my left ovary that is big enough that we can't do Clomid until it dissipates. Taking Clomid while you have a cyst will just make that cyst get bigger (and more painful) without producing a follicle/egg. This cyst and all of its little buddies would also be what was contributing to my lower abdominal pain for the last 2-3 weeks. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tuesday morning to check the size of the cyst and see if it has shrunk and we could do another round of Clomid. I've decided that if we're able to, this will be my last round of Clomid and Cliff and I will begin exploring the foster to adopt program. I began crying as I told Dr Su of our plans. As we wrapped up the appointment, the nurse saw I was crying and came into the room and shut the door. She was so sweet. I'd never met her before today but she asked if I was ok and asked if I needed a hug. She seemed sincere and not condescending and honestly at that moment I DID need a hug. So yes, I hugged a complete stranger and i sobbed "it's just SO frustrating!" She says "I know. But you seem like you'll be a very loving mother if you chose to adopt. Any baby is lucky to have you". Now I'd known this lady for all of 5 minutes so whether she could tell all that or if she was just trying to make me feel better I don't know. While talking to her I realized I have to come to terms with never having a biological child. I'll never feel the little kicks, feet in my lungs or bladder or the little hiccups. I'll never get to wear the cute little maternity clothes. I'll never get to experience childbirth. Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking "You're not missing anything" but the truth is... I am. I want all of these things! Few things irritate me more than hearing someone gripe about how uncomfortable their pregnancy is. I want to shake them and scream "SHUT UP! At least you're pregnant!". Please pray for me as I deal with this as I'm having a very hard time accepting that I will likely never give birth to a child. I know it won't make me any less of a mother but it's part of the process that I will truly miss.
Please keep us in your prayers as we explore the foster to adopt program. Please pray that we don't run into any "trees" and if we do, that they are small enough we can just go right over them. Please pray that I can endure the bumpy ride. I'm scared of so many things. What if a child is placed in my home and then it has to go back to its family? What if we can't afford this process? What if we aren't picked to care for a child? What if I'm not good enough?
See I told you it would be a rambling scatter brained post! No wonder I've had so many nights of insomnia. I can't get my brain to shut down and rest. Prayers for a good night's sleep would be greatly appreciated too ;)
Ok so here I am on cycle day??? Probably into the 50's by now. Frankly I stopped counting. Had a doctor's appointment today and...wait...I'm getting ahead of myself.
You know how you're driving and you know there's more than one route to take to your destination but you're so used to going the same way that you think "Maybe today I'll take a different route" but then you find yourself following the same worn path that you've always trod along? Or you're happily driving along and all of a sudden somebody holler's out from the passenger seat "TURN RIGHT NOW!"?
I remember when Travis and I were kids we used to drive the little John Deere lawnmower around like a go-cart. Yes we're rednecks. We had a lot of land in the back of our property that had little paths that had been cleared. We loved riding our bikes and the John Deere on these paths...our own little adventures on our own private little roads. One day it was my turn to drive but I wanted Trav to enjoy the ride too. I was taking one path when we came to a fork in the "road". Without slowing down at all (oh yeah I had that baby in 5th gear!) I asked Travis "which way do you want to go?" Before I knew it he was saying the opposite of the direction I was heading! I tried to turn but you know that John Deere doesn't have a very good turning radius and BAM! right into a tree. Sure it was a small tree but a tree's a tree ya know?! If I remember correctly it was small enough that we just went right over it, but it sure was a bumpy ride. (Promise this will makes sense later...)
So this weekend my mom is telling me about two babies who are part of a set of triplets that the mother has basically abandoned. Then my mother in law tells me about a young teen who's decided to give her baby up for adoption. I dreamed about these babies all weekend. I KNOW I can give them the home and love they need. I appreciate that people hear/share stories like this because they feel that I would be a good mom for these babies, but quite frankly it doesn't mean anything unless someone is putting the baby in my arms and saying "Here Tamra. We want you to have our baby". Without that, it's just one more instance of someone who shouldn't be having babies being able to conceive and then not knowing what to do with said baby. Did I mention that my mother in law also mentioned that she goes to church with a guy who works with a Christian foster-to-adopt program (or as Cliff affectionately refers to it, the "rent-to-own" program) and is bringing my MIL the info we need about the program?
Now jumping back to January...my amazing friend Beth has been on a very similar journey. She's wanted a child for so long and in January she got "the call"! Her adoption situation prompted me to ask Cliff about his thoughts. We were sitting in one of our favorite restaurants and I asked "so would you be open to adopting?" I promptly learned the value of "if you don't want the answer...don't ask the question". My heart broke into a million pieces as he said that adoption was not something he wanted to pursue. He didn't know that I had just had the "if you don't conceive by the age of 36, you never will" talk with 2 of my doctors. Here I had no other option but to conceive. No pressure right? Later when I was able to compose myself I told him what the doctors had said. This is when we forged the plan to go back to Dr Su (the doctor who had done our IUI's nearly 10 years ago), try 3 more IUI's and then we needed to explore our options if those IUI's were unsuccessful. Now fast forward to Sunday when I was helping my mother in law with the lunch dishes and she's telling me about this teenager who wants to give her baby up for adoption. I told her "that's nice but I don't think that's something that Cliff would want to do". She says "Really? He sounded interested when I talked to him this past week about it"...Ummm....WHAT?!?!?!?
Here I've been happily "driving along" on my Clomid/IUI journey and all of a sudden my passenger screams out "TURN RIGHT NOW!". I'm at a fork in the road and praying to God I don't hit a tree! (told ya it'd make sense). All weekend long I thought about these babies and the many others that need loving homes, a loving home that I know I can provide. Are we supposed to adopt??
I contacted Dr Su last week to let him know that I still hadn't started a cycle and was still having quite a bit of pain in my lower abdomen. Even tho he was scheduled to be in surgery today he still worked me in. His plan was to do an ultrasound and see where I am in my non-existent cycle and see if we could start another round of Clomid. Cliff and I had the discussion...should we even waste the money trying Clomid/IUI's again? Should we just save that money for the adoption process, should that be the route we take? For those keeping track, I've been off birth control for 10 years, done countless rounds of Clomid, and 3 IUI's to date, had numerous cycles where my body did not even respond to the Clomid. I've never had a confirmed pregnancy (I believe I've had two miscarriages very early into the pregnancy before I would've known I was pregnant) but with those being unconfirmed I'm going on the assumption that I've never been pregnant. NOTHING has worked...why keep throwing money away. So at my doctor's appointment today, Dr Su found that I have a cyst on my left ovary that is big enough that we can't do Clomid until it dissipates. Taking Clomid while you have a cyst will just make that cyst get bigger (and more painful) without producing a follicle/egg. This cyst and all of its little buddies would also be what was contributing to my lower abdominal pain for the last 2-3 weeks. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tuesday morning to check the size of the cyst and see if it has shrunk and we could do another round of Clomid. I've decided that if we're able to, this will be my last round of Clomid and Cliff and I will begin exploring the foster to adopt program. I began crying as I told Dr Su of our plans. As we wrapped up the appointment, the nurse saw I was crying and came into the room and shut the door. She was so sweet. I'd never met her before today but she asked if I was ok and asked if I needed a hug. She seemed sincere and not condescending and honestly at that moment I DID need a hug. So yes, I hugged a complete stranger and i sobbed "it's just SO frustrating!" She says "I know. But you seem like you'll be a very loving mother if you chose to adopt. Any baby is lucky to have you". Now I'd known this lady for all of 5 minutes so whether she could tell all that or if she was just trying to make me feel better I don't know. While talking to her I realized I have to come to terms with never having a biological child. I'll never feel the little kicks, feet in my lungs or bladder or the little hiccups. I'll never get to wear the cute little maternity clothes. I'll never get to experience childbirth. Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking "You're not missing anything" but the truth is... I am. I want all of these things! Few things irritate me more than hearing someone gripe about how uncomfortable their pregnancy is. I want to shake them and scream "SHUT UP! At least you're pregnant!". Please pray for me as I deal with this as I'm having a very hard time accepting that I will likely never give birth to a child. I know it won't make me any less of a mother but it's part of the process that I will truly miss.
Please keep us in your prayers as we explore the foster to adopt program. Please pray that we don't run into any "trees" and if we do, that they are small enough we can just go right over them. Please pray that I can endure the bumpy ride. I'm scared of so many things. What if a child is placed in my home and then it has to go back to its family? What if we can't afford this process? What if we aren't picked to care for a child? What if I'm not good enough?
See I told you it would be a rambling scatter brained post! No wonder I've had so many nights of insomnia. I can't get my brain to shut down and rest. Prayers for a good night's sleep would be greatly appreciated too ;)
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Gray Skies and Sunshine
UGH! I HATE this "syndrome"!! I'm so frustrated and irritated and angry! I'm on cycle day...crap I've lost count...like day 40-something. Still waiting. I HATE that pattern of not having a pattern! I wait 2 weeks +/- to see if I'm ovulating. Then I wait 2 weeks +/- to start a period. Usually there's more plus than minus :/ so I wait....and wait....and wait... Every month that nothing happens I feel more and more betrayed by my body. Why is it so hard!? Why can't I have cycles like "normal" people? I know many of you relish the idea of not having to deal with your monthly period but I would give anything to have a normal-every 28 days type of period!
My weight is still fluctuating as usual. I'm finding it harder and harder to avoid the starchy carbs because I'm getting that frustration of "nothing's working" so why bother. It gets so frustrating to see the scale yo-yo like that and everyone's got all sorts of helpful advice but sometimes I just get tired of hearing it. I know what I should do and what's "supposed" to happen but....*sigh I'm just frustrated :(
In addition to the betrayal and frustration there is the anger. Anger at God for making my body this way. Why did He give me such a desire to be a mom and then take away my ability to conceive!? Why does it seem like EVERYONE around me is pregnant?! Why do I constantly see in the news, stories of women (I refuse to call them mothers) who are blessed enough to have children and then abuse or murder them. Just today I saw two separate stories...One woman gave birth to twin boys and then killed them both so her family wouldn't find out she'd been pregnant. Another a stepmother killed then dismembered her daughter. Seriously?!?!? These are the people that God allows to get pregnant or "acquire" a child by marriage?
I'm so tired of constantly feeling like my ovaries are going to explode! For the last 1-2 weeks my right side is causing so much discomfort. Again feeling like "well it's not doing what it's supposed to so why bother". Part of me wishes I could just get them taken out. What's it gonna do? send me into early menopause? Isn't that basically what I'm in already? It's not like they're producing the hormones that they're supposed to anyways. What's the point?!
One of my co-workers also has PCOS so we've been comparing our woes this week. She had a doctor's appointment this week and one option that was discussed was "ovarian drilling". My understanding of that procedure is they destroy part of the ovary which allows the rest of the ovary to produce follicles and thereby ovulate. Imagine the difference in a bubble wand that has a lot of little holes versus one that has just one hole. You can either make a lot of little bubbles with one or one big bubble with the other. Kinda the same principle. My fear with this is what if they destroy the only working part of my ovary?!? Then what? Damned if I do...damned if I don't! I'm just so very tired of things not working the way they are supposed to. Every day that I don't have a period is one more day lost in my "fertility decreases dramatically at the age of 36" time frame. Every cycle that I don't ovulate means that I have to wait at least 2 weeks if not more for another cycle to start. Then if I don't start one that means contacting the doctor, getting meds, taking the meds, then waiting for the effects of the meds...meanwhile TICK TOCK TICK TOCK!!
This is all why it's been so long since my last post. There's really not been anything to report.
My saving grace lately has been my beautiful little niece. We celebrated her one month birthday last week. Time's going by so quickly. I love holding her and looking into that beautiful little face with her gorgeous little dimples. I smile and tell her "auntie loves you soooooooo much!" and she's getting to the point where she's almost smiling back at me now. I picture her in a couple of years with little pig-tails running to me screaming "Auntie Tamra!!!!!!" She's the sunshine in my life right now. I try to sing "You are my Sunshine" (just the chorus cuz the rest of the song is really jacked up!) quietly to her but have to stop myself because I start to cry every time. I think of how truly happy she makes me when my skies are grey and God help whoever tries to take my sunshine away for they will surely pull back a bloody nub!
My weight is still fluctuating as usual. I'm finding it harder and harder to avoid the starchy carbs because I'm getting that frustration of "nothing's working" so why bother. It gets so frustrating to see the scale yo-yo like that and everyone's got all sorts of helpful advice but sometimes I just get tired of hearing it. I know what I should do and what's "supposed" to happen but....*sigh I'm just frustrated :(
In addition to the betrayal and frustration there is the anger. Anger at God for making my body this way. Why did He give me such a desire to be a mom and then take away my ability to conceive!? Why does it seem like EVERYONE around me is pregnant?! Why do I constantly see in the news, stories of women (I refuse to call them mothers) who are blessed enough to have children and then abuse or murder them. Just today I saw two separate stories...One woman gave birth to twin boys and then killed them both so her family wouldn't find out she'd been pregnant. Another a stepmother killed then dismembered her daughter. Seriously?!?!? These are the people that God allows to get pregnant or "acquire" a child by marriage?
I'm so tired of constantly feeling like my ovaries are going to explode! For the last 1-2 weeks my right side is causing so much discomfort. Again feeling like "well it's not doing what it's supposed to so why bother". Part of me wishes I could just get them taken out. What's it gonna do? send me into early menopause? Isn't that basically what I'm in already? It's not like they're producing the hormones that they're supposed to anyways. What's the point?!
One of my co-workers also has PCOS so we've been comparing our woes this week. She had a doctor's appointment this week and one option that was discussed was "ovarian drilling". My understanding of that procedure is they destroy part of the ovary which allows the rest of the ovary to produce follicles and thereby ovulate. Imagine the difference in a bubble wand that has a lot of little holes versus one that has just one hole. You can either make a lot of little bubbles with one or one big bubble with the other. Kinda the same principle. My fear with this is what if they destroy the only working part of my ovary?!? Then what? Damned if I do...damned if I don't! I'm just so very tired of things not working the way they are supposed to. Every day that I don't have a period is one more day lost in my "fertility decreases dramatically at the age of 36" time frame. Every cycle that I don't ovulate means that I have to wait at least 2 weeks if not more for another cycle to start. Then if I don't start one that means contacting the doctor, getting meds, taking the meds, then waiting for the effects of the meds...meanwhile TICK TOCK TICK TOCK!!
This is all why it's been so long since my last post. There's really not been anything to report.
My saving grace lately has been my beautiful little niece. We celebrated her one month birthday last week. Time's going by so quickly. I love holding her and looking into that beautiful little face with her gorgeous little dimples. I smile and tell her "auntie loves you soooooooo much!" and she's getting to the point where she's almost smiling back at me now. I picture her in a couple of years with little pig-tails running to me screaming "Auntie Tamra!!!!!!" She's the sunshine in my life right now. I try to sing "You are my Sunshine" (just the chorus cuz the rest of the song is really jacked up!) quietly to her but have to stop myself because I start to cry every time. I think of how truly happy she makes me when my skies are grey and God help whoever tries to take my sunshine away for they will surely pull back a bloody nub!
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Stupid PCOS
So I had an ultrasound on Thursday to check for follicles. I had one on each side that were pretty close to the same size but the right side was just slightly larger. I didn't care which side or how big. I was just excited that I had TWO!! But they weren't big enough to mean anything yet...remember they have to be at least 2cm to be productive. So Dr Su had me come in this morning (yes on a sunday again...that man is awesome!) for another ultrasound to check for growth. Unfortunately neither follicle had grown very much and we're not able to do an IUI this cycle. So more waiting. In a "normal" person your body makes a hormone that tells your ovaries to produce a follicle that will produce an egg. In a person with PCOS your body makes the same amount of that hormone (or less) but splits it up amongst all the little cysts that could be follicles. Does that make sense? So instead of all the hormone going to one follicle...all the little cysts share and not enough is there to produce a "mature" follicle. So that being said I have plenty of cysts on my ovaries which cause plenty of discomfort but nothing mature enough to produce an egg. I would love to be positive and say "well there's always next month" but Dr Su will be on vacation for a little bit next month and it is very likely that he will be out of town around the pertinent time, SO we have to wait until the NEXT cycle.
I'm really struggling lately with everything. Nothing is going the way I want it to in my life. My job is bugging the crap out of me. I have a hard time going to church because I feel like... God's not paying any attention to me, why should I pay attention to Him. (I know that's not the case but that's how I feel) The average 15 year old can get knocked up but here I'm doing everything I possibly can and cant even frikkin ovulate. I'm so frustrated with everything and I feel the depression setting in. I dread going to work because I no longer have my ideal work situation. My hours are being changed. My day off is being changed. I'm not enjoying it right now because all I want to do is be a stay at home wife and mom. The only positives in my life this week has been the time I got to spend with my family, especially Little Quinn and the fact that I hit my "40lbs lost" mark.
I can't begin to put into words the frustration of not having any follicles. I asked the doctor if there was another medication to try since I seem to be having a poor response to the Clomid. His response is to increase the Clomid. That should be fun since I'm having hellacious side effects from the dose that I'm on, much less throwing another 50mg into the mix. In his defense I haven't told him about the side effects because I don't want him to discontinue the meds. I can deal with the crappy side effects...if only it would make me ovulate. What else can I do? Is there something I can eat or not eat that would make a difference? Stand on one leg, pat my head and rub my tummy??? What???? I'll do it...Just tell me what I have to do!!!! This is only the second cycle but I feel like I've been doing this forever and not getting any response. I feel like it's not going to work so why bother. Maybe I should just take the money that we'd spend on another failed IUI and just put it towards IVF. At least with IVF I would be pregnant...if only for a day or two. In the event that the IVF failed that child would be waiting for me in heaven. I would have been a mom for a little bit. I would have my moment of something wonderful...instead of...this...
I'm really struggling lately with everything. Nothing is going the way I want it to in my life. My job is bugging the crap out of me. I have a hard time going to church because I feel like... God's not paying any attention to me, why should I pay attention to Him. (I know that's not the case but that's how I feel) The average 15 year old can get knocked up but here I'm doing everything I possibly can and cant even frikkin ovulate. I'm so frustrated with everything and I feel the depression setting in. I dread going to work because I no longer have my ideal work situation. My hours are being changed. My day off is being changed. I'm not enjoying it right now because all I want to do is be a stay at home wife and mom. The only positives in my life this week has been the time I got to spend with my family, especially Little Quinn and the fact that I hit my "40lbs lost" mark.
I can't begin to put into words the frustration of not having any follicles. I asked the doctor if there was another medication to try since I seem to be having a poor response to the Clomid. His response is to increase the Clomid. That should be fun since I'm having hellacious side effects from the dose that I'm on, much less throwing another 50mg into the mix. In his defense I haven't told him about the side effects because I don't want him to discontinue the meds. I can deal with the crappy side effects...if only it would make me ovulate. What else can I do? Is there something I can eat or not eat that would make a difference? Stand on one leg, pat my head and rub my tummy??? What???? I'll do it...Just tell me what I have to do!!!! This is only the second cycle but I feel like I've been doing this forever and not getting any response. I feel like it's not going to work so why bother. Maybe I should just take the money that we'd spend on another failed IUI and just put it towards IVF. At least with IVF I would be pregnant...if only for a day or two. In the event that the IVF failed that child would be waiting for me in heaven. I would have been a mom for a little bit. I would have my moment of something wonderful...instead of...this...
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Here We Go Again...
I have an appointment tomorrow to check for follicles...fingers crossed, there ARE some AND they're the right size for the HCG trigger injection. Kinda nervous because my acupuncturist is on vacation next week. Hoping everything goes well and im able to see him before he leaves. If the IUI takes place while he's gone he wants me to see another acupuncturist for treatment. Prayers tommorrow would be appreciated :)
Monday, August 15, 2011
You Mean I'm NOT The Only One!?!?!
If you want to watch all of the video, that's awesome. It's very informative and contains a lot of things you may not know about PCOS. If you're just interested in the fertility aspects of it skip to 21:00.
PCOS Challenge
PCOS Challenge
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Roller Coaster
Wow! What a ride this week has been. Monday started off a little rough for me. I started my cycle and was devastated that the IUI had failed again. I broke down at work and barely made it through my day. I just felt like I'd been beaten up. This was my lowest of lows. Then on Tuesday I ended up calling in sick to work. Remember in my previous post where I had said "Dear Lord please dont let my period be as bad as the last time"? Well it wasn't as bad...but it was a close second. I spent Tuesday curled in the fetal position in my bed.
Then came Wednesday...which also happened to be my 35th birthday. I started my morning off with a free birthday coffee from Starbucks, then off to a pedicure (which unfortunately was rather mediocre-I could've done better myself). After my pedi I went to lunch with my dad who is visiting from Florida. The last time he and I were able to have lunch on my birthday I was 16. It was really nice and we had a great time with great conversation. Then that evening I went to dinner with my mom...again, good food and great conversation. I really enjoyed being able to visit with both of my parents. Once home, as I reflected on the day and the significance of 35 I began to sink a little. You see, all of my doctors have said the same thing almost verbatim..."The average woman's fertility drops dramatically at the age of 36. A woman with PCOS? It drops even more dramatically". Basically they're saying that if I don't get pregnant by the age of 36 it is likely that I never will. Thus begins the countdown....as of this writing I have 362 days to get pregnant. No pressure...Overall I had a good birthday, even with the proverbial cloud looming. :)
Thursday brought quite the excitement for our family. My brother and his wife had their baby! My beautiful niece Quinn was born. Isn't she gorgeous!? I've so enjoyed getting to hold her and look forward to many more days of snuggling and teaching her all about NKOTB ;) We've already had our first discussion about who Jordan Knight is. She was thrilled...
Friday was rather uneventful. I went to work then went to dinner with the hubby for my birthday. (he'd had to work late both Wednesday and Thursday so Friday was my night) After dinner we went by my brother's house so Uncle Cliff could meet his new niece. (and so I could hold her some more).
Honestly, I do have selfish motives for holding her so much. I have a theory (yeah I'm full of 'em) that being around babies stimulates my hormones. Having PCOS, I don't have regular cycles at all. I can go for months without. BUT let me hold a baby and I start a period within the week. It's weird...I'm almost sure this theory was confirmed the last two days as I held Quinn and started feeling quite uncomfortable...like my ovaries were swelling...weird I know.
I did start round 2 of Clomid on Friday. I have an appointment on Wednesday for acupuncture before going in on Thursday for a scan to check for follicles. Note to self: Hold Quinn A LOT on Wednesday.
I am off work the next couple of days and hope to use the time wisely in cleaning and getting organized in my home and also spending some quality time with little Quinn.
Have a blessed week
Then came Wednesday...which also happened to be my 35th birthday. I started my morning off with a free birthday coffee from Starbucks, then off to a pedicure (which unfortunately was rather mediocre-I could've done better myself). After my pedi I went to lunch with my dad who is visiting from Florida. The last time he and I were able to have lunch on my birthday I was 16. It was really nice and we had a great time with great conversation. Then that evening I went to dinner with my mom...again, good food and great conversation. I really enjoyed being able to visit with both of my parents. Once home, as I reflected on the day and the significance of 35 I began to sink a little. You see, all of my doctors have said the same thing almost verbatim..."The average woman's fertility drops dramatically at the age of 36. A woman with PCOS? It drops even more dramatically". Basically they're saying that if I don't get pregnant by the age of 36 it is likely that I never will. Thus begins the countdown....as of this writing I have 362 days to get pregnant. No pressure...Overall I had a good birthday, even with the proverbial cloud looming. :)
Friday was rather uneventful. I went to work then went to dinner with the hubby for my birthday. (he'd had to work late both Wednesday and Thursday so Friday was my night) After dinner we went by my brother's house so Uncle Cliff could meet his new niece. (and so I could hold her some more).
Honestly, I do have selfish motives for holding her so much. I have a theory (yeah I'm full of 'em) that being around babies stimulates my hormones. Having PCOS, I don't have regular cycles at all. I can go for months without. BUT let me hold a baby and I start a period within the week. It's weird...I'm almost sure this theory was confirmed the last two days as I held Quinn and started feeling quite uncomfortable...like my ovaries were swelling...weird I know.
I did start round 2 of Clomid on Friday. I have an appointment on Wednesday for acupuncture before going in on Thursday for a scan to check for follicles. Note to self: Hold Quinn A LOT on Wednesday.
I am off work the next couple of days and hope to use the time wisely in cleaning and getting organized in my home and also spending some quality time with little Quinn.
Have a blessed week
Monday, August 8, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Disappointment
You know, the world is FULL of disappointments. Somewhere in the world, there is a child whose parent promised to take them to the park and didn't. Somewhere in the world, there is someone who's received the notice that they didn't get the job they thought they were a shoe-in for. Somewhere in the world, there's a hopeful student who finds they didn't get into the college of their choice. Somewhere in the world there's a young wife who wants desperately to be a mom who had a negative pregnancy test, yet again. The thing is...it doesn't matter how many times your parent has let you down, how many times you didn't get the job or how many negative pregnancy tests you've had. Each time it happens the hurt and disappointment is just as fresh and new as if it was the first time.
You would think I would get used to the disappointment after taking so many pregnancy tests over the past 10 years. You would think it would be easier if I expect the negative result. It's not. There's always that split second before reading the results where you are SO hopeful that maybe THIS will be the one. Then there's the few seconds after reading the result where you keeping looking at the stick hoping and willing a plus sign to appear. I was SO hopeful when I woke this morning. I got antsy about testing and couldn't resist. I figured even if the HCG injection was still in my system that I would be able to tell if the HCG was increasing by doing a couple of tests throughout the next week. The test I took this morning didn't even pick up the HCG injection. It was completely negative. My heart keeps saying "it's still early. You haven't started a period yet. You could still be pregnant" My head is telling me "yeah right."
You know how there's the theory that if you wash your car it will start to rain?? My theory is that if I pee on a stick I'll start a period. It is SO damn frustrating. Even if I don't carry a pregnancy to term, at this point I just want to be pregnant to know that I CAN get pregnant! I'm not stupid. I know that it would crush me to miscarry. I'm reminded of a scene from one of my favorite movies where Julia Roberts is a diabetic telling her mom that she's pregnant. Her mom is getting on to her for being so irresponsible by getting pregnant in her medical condition. I forget the exact wording but Julia Roberts character says something to the effect of "I would rather have a moment of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special". I would give anything to be pregnant for even just a little bit. At least then I would know that I have a child waiting for me in heaven. I would give anything for a flicker of light at the end of this God forsaken tunnel.
Yesterday Cliff and I actually had a somewhat serious discussion about baby names. So far, our kid's first name is "well I don't hate"... as in "I don't hate the name <insert name here>". I have a list of names as long as my arm and I would LOVE to have a child to go with each name!
One of my friends said it's not over until "aunt flo" shows up. I will proceed this week as if I could still possibly be pregnant...until I get confirmation one way (starting a period) or another (confirmation from doctor). If I don't start a period then it is likely that I never ovulated and we may have to adjust medications, timing etc. My acupuncturist wants to incorporate herbs into the cycle as well which doesn't thrill me because the herbs are disgusting. Even though the heartache, sadness and disappointment are overwhelming right now, I'm trying not to be negative just because I had a negative result this morning. I COULD still be pregnant. I'm only two weeks post IUI. I tell you...if I were to have a positive test later this week you could push me over with a feather. I seriously wouldn't know what to do. I guess we'll just have to wait to see what this week has in store for us. I will probably test again in a few days... not sure when tho.
Again, I really do appreciate all the prayer and support I've gotten. I know that if all it took to have a child was the love and support of friends I'd have a bazillion kids by now. Thank you guys :)
You would think I would get used to the disappointment after taking so many pregnancy tests over the past 10 years. You would think it would be easier if I expect the negative result. It's not. There's always that split second before reading the results where you are SO hopeful that maybe THIS will be the one. Then there's the few seconds after reading the result where you keeping looking at the stick hoping and willing a plus sign to appear. I was SO hopeful when I woke this morning. I got antsy about testing and couldn't resist. I figured even if the HCG injection was still in my system that I would be able to tell if the HCG was increasing by doing a couple of tests throughout the next week. The test I took this morning didn't even pick up the HCG injection. It was completely negative. My heart keeps saying "it's still early. You haven't started a period yet. You could still be pregnant" My head is telling me "yeah right."
You know how there's the theory that if you wash your car it will start to rain?? My theory is that if I pee on a stick I'll start a period. It is SO damn frustrating. Even if I don't carry a pregnancy to term, at this point I just want to be pregnant to know that I CAN get pregnant! I'm not stupid. I know that it would crush me to miscarry. I'm reminded of a scene from one of my favorite movies where Julia Roberts is a diabetic telling her mom that she's pregnant. Her mom is getting on to her for being so irresponsible by getting pregnant in her medical condition. I forget the exact wording but Julia Roberts character says something to the effect of "I would rather have a moment of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special". I would give anything to be pregnant for even just a little bit. At least then I would know that I have a child waiting for me in heaven. I would give anything for a flicker of light at the end of this God forsaken tunnel.
Yesterday Cliff and I actually had a somewhat serious discussion about baby names. So far, our kid's first name is "well I don't hate"... as in "I don't hate the name <insert name here>". I have a list of names as long as my arm and I would LOVE to have a child to go with each name!
One of my friends said it's not over until "aunt flo" shows up. I will proceed this week as if I could still possibly be pregnant...until I get confirmation one way (starting a period) or another (confirmation from doctor). If I don't start a period then it is likely that I never ovulated and we may have to adjust medications, timing etc. My acupuncturist wants to incorporate herbs into the cycle as well which doesn't thrill me because the herbs are disgusting. Even though the heartache, sadness and disappointment are overwhelming right now, I'm trying not to be negative just because I had a negative result this morning. I COULD still be pregnant. I'm only two weeks post IUI. I tell you...if I were to have a positive test later this week you could push me over with a feather. I seriously wouldn't know what to do. I guess we'll just have to wait to see what this week has in store for us. I will probably test again in a few days... not sure when tho.
Again, I really do appreciate all the prayer and support I've gotten. I know that if all it took to have a child was the love and support of friends I'd have a bazillion kids by now. Thank you guys :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Stupid Creaky Old House
So you know how when you're home alone you can hear EVERY little creak, hum, buzz, rustling that goes on in the house? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling the past couple of days. I'm alone in my head (I think) and every little thing makes me go "WHAT WAS THAT!??!" I've been feeling "weird" for the last two days. Now before you go getting all excited it is very likely that it is just side effects from the HCG injection and the warm weather.
I get dizzy..."OMG! What was that?" I feel nauseous..."Is that morning sickness?" I'm super tired..."Is that a pregnancy symptom?" Certain body parts are SUPER sensitive..."Oh no! Is that PMS?" The HCG IS the pregnancy hormone and is very likely the cause of any of these symptoms. I have nothing else to distract me right now so I hear or feel every little "creak". Every little pain, twinge or "creak" I get makes me get excited and think "Holy crap! Could I REALLY be pregnant this time?" It is still too early for me to test and I am going KUH-RAZE-EEE with all these things that I'm feeling. I feel like it's some cruel trick my mind is playing on me and I get mad (uh-oh! Mood swings! Pregnancy or PMS?!!? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!) I really appreciate all the prayers that you all have offered up on my behalf. I'm pretty sure that's the only thing keeping me from absolutely just losing my frikkin mind. :) Thanks again for all the support!
I get dizzy..."OMG! What was that?" I feel nauseous..."Is that morning sickness?" I'm super tired..."Is that a pregnancy symptom?" Certain body parts are SUPER sensitive..."Oh no! Is that PMS?" The HCG IS the pregnancy hormone and is very likely the cause of any of these symptoms. I have nothing else to distract me right now so I hear or feel every little "creak". Every little pain, twinge or "creak" I get makes me get excited and think "Holy crap! Could I REALLY be pregnant this time?" It is still too early for me to test and I am going KUH-RAZE-EEE with all these things that I'm feeling. I feel like it's some cruel trick my mind is playing on me and I get mad (uh-oh! Mood swings! Pregnancy or PMS?!!? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!) I really appreciate all the prayers that you all have offered up on my behalf. I'm pretty sure that's the only thing keeping me from absolutely just losing my frikkin mind. :) Thanks again for all the support!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Longest......Week......Everrrrrrr!
Ugh! This waiting is KILLING me!! Why can't we be like some alien creature that knows the instant they've conceived?!? (I admit it, we've been watching a lot of Star Trek lately) I had my second HCG injection and the 2nd of 3 visits to the acupuncturist on Friday. I'll have another acupuncture appointment on Wednesday. I know my mom must giggle to read about me going to an acupuncturist. You see, I used to be the kid that screamed bloody murder getting shots or blood draws at the doctor. I remember one time it took my mom and about 5 other people to do a finger stick blood draw on me. Now I willingly (somewhat) go to get poked?! Comical...
One of my fears is not only that I wont be pregnant but that I will end up having a period from hell like I did in March. It was the first time combining acupuncture with Clomid and I apparently had "hyperstimulation of the ovaries". It was baaaad...I was like 3 points away from needing a transfusion, couldn't drive for 2 days and took about 4 for me to finally get some color back in my cheeks. "Dear God, I'd really like to NOT go thru that again...Please"
Some people may read my blog and question why I put so much personal information out there... "Oh my gosh, she said ovaries and period...*gasp* shock/horror!! The reason I am specific about what's going on is because even though most of the time I feel like I'm the only one going thru this...I KNOW I'm not alone. There ARE other ladies out there dealing with PCOS and infertility. I do this not only as an outlet for me but I do it for them as well.
I've met someone online who had her IUI 2 days after I did. I can't tell you what a relief it's been to not go thru this alone. (If you could also keep her in your prayers that would be awesome) We've been doing the same exact things this week. We've both been checking websites that give you a "your pregnancy Day by day" chart. We've both been shopping for maternity clothes but don't dare to buy anything. I know that if this IUI worked my due date would be April 14th which is my WaBFF's and my SIL's birthday. I know that all of this will only add to my disappointment if the IUI wasn't successful. I want to remain positive. I say that I'm not getting my hopes up but obviously that's a big fat frikkin lie. I want this to be the time that it FINALLY works!! I want to be able to surprise my family with the news we've all waited SO long for. I've been thinking about cute little ways to make the big announcement. I have a couple of ideas and can't wait for the day when I can put the plans into action!
I am only 7 days post IUI...feels like it's been an eternity. I have about one week before I would start a period if I'm not pregnant. If that doesn't happen then I will begin testing to see if the HCG levels rise or fall. So the only thing that makes this past week not seem so bad is knowing that next week will be even LONGER!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! Most times I am a very patient person...this is one area of my life where patience is definitely not my strong suit. Please continue to pray for me.
Pray:
One of my fears is not only that I wont be pregnant but that I will end up having a period from hell like I did in March. It was the first time combining acupuncture with Clomid and I apparently had "hyperstimulation of the ovaries". It was baaaad...I was like 3 points away from needing a transfusion, couldn't drive for 2 days and took about 4 for me to finally get some color back in my cheeks. "Dear God, I'd really like to NOT go thru that again...Please"
Some people may read my blog and question why I put so much personal information out there... "Oh my gosh, she said ovaries and period...*gasp* shock/horror!! The reason I am specific about what's going on is because even though most of the time I feel like I'm the only one going thru this...I KNOW I'm not alone. There ARE other ladies out there dealing with PCOS and infertility. I do this not only as an outlet for me but I do it for them as well.
I've met someone online who had her IUI 2 days after I did. I can't tell you what a relief it's been to not go thru this alone. (If you could also keep her in your prayers that would be awesome) We've been doing the same exact things this week. We've both been checking websites that give you a "your pregnancy Day by day" chart. We've both been shopping for maternity clothes but don't dare to buy anything. I know that if this IUI worked my due date would be April 14th which is my WaBFF's and my SIL's birthday. I know that all of this will only add to my disappointment if the IUI wasn't successful. I want to remain positive. I say that I'm not getting my hopes up but obviously that's a big fat frikkin lie. I want this to be the time that it FINALLY works!! I want to be able to surprise my family with the news we've all waited SO long for. I've been thinking about cute little ways to make the big announcement. I have a couple of ideas and can't wait for the day when I can put the plans into action!
I am only 7 days post IUI...feels like it's been an eternity. I have about one week before I would start a period if I'm not pregnant. If that doesn't happen then I will begin testing to see if the HCG levels rise or fall. So the only thing that makes this past week not seem so bad is knowing that next week will be even LONGER!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! Most times I am a very patient person...this is one area of my life where patience is definitely not my strong suit. Please continue to pray for me.
Pray:
- that this week goes by quickly
- that I will be patient
- that I will be strong enough to handle if the IUI was unsuccessful
Monday, July 25, 2011
So The Wait Begins...
Alrighty...if we're friends on FB chances are you already know some of this but this is a more detailed account of yesterday's events. << That is your fair warning :)
So remember my last blog where I said I didn't feel like I was ovulating and all that? Well I still don't feel like I am going to/did ovulate. I do however feel like my insides are swollen up to about 10 times their normal size. I was/am SUPER uncomfortable. Sitting, standing, going from a sitting to standing position, bending over, standing straight...it's all uncomfortable. To get a feel for how it feels you could take a couple of softballs, put them in your pants pocket and try to do the previously mentioned movements...yeah that's what it feels like. Anyhow, I'm hoping that the feeling that everything is swollen is a good sign that things are doing what they're supposed to do.
So we got up Sunday morning, I showered and made sure to shave my legs before our "romantic" rendezvous ;) We went to the GYFT Clinic in Tacoma for the sperm wash. After verifying Cliff's ID and us forking out $162 (actually she charged us $762 the first time "Oops, I've never done THAT before"...riiiiiight) Cliff did what he needed to do and we were left with instructions to come back at 11:30 to pick up the little guys. We went to breakfast at Shari's Restaurant and tried to kill some time. Of course, we had to crack jokes about the forms that he'd had to complete. We got back to the GYFT Clinic a little early and had to wait. I was pretty nervous because the one thing that hadn't yet been checked this time around was the sperm count. Last time was 10 years ago and Cliff's had some major illnesses since then. We finally got the little guys back and the numbers were great (sigh of relief). The lab tech handed me the tube and told me to put it between my breasts inside my bra to keep them body temperature. In my mind I was driving like Ace Ventura "GOT A PACKAGE PEOPLE!!!!" but I'm sure I was driving very responsibly ;) We went to Group Health and paged Dr Su to meet us. He called me back from Group Health! He was already there waiting for us. The procedure this time was MUCH more uncomfortable than the first two had been. EVERYTHING he did hurt more. It didn't take very long at all for the procedure to be finished. Dr Su instructed me to wait 30 minutes then I could leave. As he and the nurse exited, she says "Good luck! I've never been in the room when someone else was conceiving. That was a first for me" I had to laugh because all I could think was "Yeah, me too!" Cliff was our timekeeper and had me lay there for 31 minutes because he thought we needed "an extra minute for good measure". So I laid there for 31 minutes, tweeting, facebooking, texting etc and Cliff played Solitaire and gave me the countdown. RO-MAN-TIC!
We came home after our 31 minutes and I really did absolutely nothing for the rest of the day. Laid down on the bed for a bit, then sat in the recliner, then slept in the recliner...good times.
I did some relaxation breathing and some visualization, couldn't hurt right? "See the egg...see the sperm swimming to the egg..." It was hard not to sing "just keep swimming...just keep swimming (a la Dori in Finding Nemo)" and visualizing the opening credits from "Look Who's Talking".
Really you HAVE to have a sense of humor when doing something like this other wise you'd cry. This is NOT what I had planned for my life but this is the path we're on right now. So now we wait. I had an acupuncture appointment with Dr Woon today, another is scheduled for Friday. I have another HCG injection on Friday so I'm not sure how soon I'll be able to know if I'm pregnant (unless I start a period). The HCG stays in your system for about 2 weeks so a urine test will show positive regardless.
So there you have it...a lot of rambling and probably A LOT more info than you wanted but whatever...you didn't have to read it all ;)
My back is killing me, my "tummy" hurts and I now have to worry about the "Don't take this if you're pregnant" warnings because ya never know! Small complaints but that's all I got right now. Can't complain about much else. We've been blessed to have friends and family that were willing to set alarms, receive text messages and such to remember to pray for us during the procedure. It's nice to know our child already has people praying for him/her before even being conceived! Please continue praying for us. We'll need it regardless of what the next couple of weeks holds in store for us!
So remember my last blog where I said I didn't feel like I was ovulating and all that? Well I still don't feel like I am going to/did ovulate. I do however feel like my insides are swollen up to about 10 times their normal size. I was/am SUPER uncomfortable. Sitting, standing, going from a sitting to standing position, bending over, standing straight...it's all uncomfortable. To get a feel for how it feels you could take a couple of softballs, put them in your pants pocket and try to do the previously mentioned movements...yeah that's what it feels like. Anyhow, I'm hoping that the feeling that everything is swollen is a good sign that things are doing what they're supposed to do.
So we got up Sunday morning, I showered and made sure to shave my legs before our "romantic" rendezvous ;) We went to the GYFT Clinic in Tacoma for the sperm wash. After verifying Cliff's ID and us forking out $162 (actually she charged us $762 the first time "Oops, I've never done THAT before"...riiiiiight) Cliff did what he needed to do and we were left with instructions to come back at 11:30 to pick up the little guys. We went to breakfast at Shari's Restaurant and tried to kill some time. Of course, we had to crack jokes about the forms that he'd had to complete. We got back to the GYFT Clinic a little early and had to wait. I was pretty nervous because the one thing that hadn't yet been checked this time around was the sperm count. Last time was 10 years ago and Cliff's had some major illnesses since then. We finally got the little guys back and the numbers were great (sigh of relief). The lab tech handed me the tube and told me to put it between my breasts inside my bra to keep them body temperature. In my mind I was driving like Ace Ventura "GOT A PACKAGE PEOPLE!!!!" but I'm sure I was driving very responsibly ;) We went to Group Health and paged Dr Su to meet us. He called me back from Group Health! He was already there waiting for us. The procedure this time was MUCH more uncomfortable than the first two had been. EVERYTHING he did hurt more. It didn't take very long at all for the procedure to be finished. Dr Su instructed me to wait 30 minutes then I could leave. As he and the nurse exited, she says "Good luck! I've never been in the room when someone else was conceiving. That was a first for me" I had to laugh because all I could think was "Yeah, me too!" Cliff was our timekeeper and had me lay there for 31 minutes because he thought we needed "an extra minute for good measure". So I laid there for 31 minutes, tweeting, facebooking, texting etc and Cliff played Solitaire and gave me the countdown. RO-MAN-TIC!
We came home after our 31 minutes and I really did absolutely nothing for the rest of the day. Laid down on the bed for a bit, then sat in the recliner, then slept in the recliner...good times.
I did some relaxation breathing and some visualization, couldn't hurt right? "See the egg...see the sperm swimming to the egg..." It was hard not to sing "just keep swimming...just keep swimming (a la Dori in Finding Nemo)" and visualizing the opening credits from "Look Who's Talking".
Really you HAVE to have a sense of humor when doing something like this other wise you'd cry. This is NOT what I had planned for my life but this is the path we're on right now. So now we wait. I had an acupuncture appointment with Dr Woon today, another is scheduled for Friday. I have another HCG injection on Friday so I'm not sure how soon I'll be able to know if I'm pregnant (unless I start a period). The HCG stays in your system for about 2 weeks so a urine test will show positive regardless.
So there you have it...a lot of rambling and probably A LOT more info than you wanted but whatever...you didn't have to read it all ;)
My back is killing me, my "tummy" hurts and I now have to worry about the "Don't take this if you're pregnant" warnings because ya never know! Small complaints but that's all I got right now. Can't complain about much else. We've been blessed to have friends and family that were willing to set alarms, receive text messages and such to remember to pray for us during the procedure. It's nice to know our child already has people praying for him/her before even being conceived! Please continue praying for us. We'll need it regardless of what the next couple of weeks holds in store for us!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Game Plan
Okie doke...So I finally "got to" get scanned again yesterday. It was more uncomfortable than it has been in the past. I'm assuming that's because there's more hormonal activity going on than I'm used to. The follicle had grown to be about 1.82cm. Dr Su feels that we can still do intrauterine insemination (IUI) during this cycle even tho the follicle is slow growing. So the game plan is for me to go into Urgent Care at 8pm tonight to receive an injection of Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HCG) . It is used to simulate the LH surge that "normal" women get when they are ovulating. It will be two shots, one in each hip. I should ovulate about 36 hours later (approximately 8am on Sunday Morning...I counted). We have an appointment on Sunday morning to go to the lab for a "sperm wash". Then once we have the little guys back we'll page the doctor to meet us at Urgent Care for the IUI procedure. This should be taking place around 11am or noon-ish if you want to say a quick prayer for me at that time. (if you want I could send a text message to remind you :) just let me know. email your number to me at lilpoobear76@gmail.com)
I'm experiencing extremely mixed emotions...I want to be positive and say "this WILL work this time!" but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up. I'd rather go in expecting it NOT to work and then being pleasantly surprised if it does. The thing is, it will be about 2 weeks longer than "normal" for me to find out if I'm pregnant (if I don't start a period) because the HCG is the same hormone that a pregnancy test looks for. So if I do a pregnancy test before the injection wears off it will show that I'm pregnant whether I am or not. Talk about screwing with a gal's emotions!
After the IUI on Sunday I need to see my acupuncturist Dr Woon a couple of times a week for the next two weeks. These acupuncture treatments will hopefully stimulate my uterus to produce the blood supply that the possible growing embryo will need...to sort of help me hold on to it.
I'm also planning on seeing a Chiropractor soon. A couple of years ago I tweeked my back getting clothes out of the dryer and I've had sciatic problems since then. Well I've read that lower back problems can contribute to infertility as well, since the required nerves or blood vessels could be compromised by a misalignment. Kinda of nervous about that too since I've never had anyone crack my back!
And even tho I'm not happy about some of the changes at work I have to praise the Lord for my job and the health benefits I get as a result. The first time we tried IUI NOTHING was covered. Now I get partial coverage. Medications that cost me between $80 and $120 a pop last time? Now cost just my $15 copay! I could've cried the first time I went to fill the prescription! Thank you God! Maybe this is Your way of saying that NOW is finally the time. Help me to remember that Your timing is perfect. (Oh and it's ok that I'm missing church this one time to try to get pregnant, right?)
More later...
I'm experiencing extremely mixed emotions...I want to be positive and say "this WILL work this time!" but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up. I'd rather go in expecting it NOT to work and then being pleasantly surprised if it does. The thing is, it will be about 2 weeks longer than "normal" for me to find out if I'm pregnant (if I don't start a period) because the HCG is the same hormone that a pregnancy test looks for. So if I do a pregnancy test before the injection wears off it will show that I'm pregnant whether I am or not. Talk about screwing with a gal's emotions!
After the IUI on Sunday I need to see my acupuncturist Dr Woon a couple of times a week for the next two weeks. These acupuncture treatments will hopefully stimulate my uterus to produce the blood supply that the possible growing embryo will need...to sort of help me hold on to it.
I'm also planning on seeing a Chiropractor soon. A couple of years ago I tweeked my back getting clothes out of the dryer and I've had sciatic problems since then. Well I've read that lower back problems can contribute to infertility as well, since the required nerves or blood vessels could be compromised by a misalignment. Kinda of nervous about that too since I've never had anyone crack my back!
And even tho I'm not happy about some of the changes at work I have to praise the Lord for my job and the health benefits I get as a result. The first time we tried IUI NOTHING was covered. Now I get partial coverage. Medications that cost me between $80 and $120 a pop last time? Now cost just my $15 copay! I could've cried the first time I went to fill the prescription! Thank you God! Maybe this is Your way of saying that NOW is finally the time. Help me to remember that Your timing is perfect. (Oh and it's ok that I'm missing church this one time to try to get pregnant, right?)
More later...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
"Watched Pot" Part 3 ('scuse the rambling)
I've said it before and I'll say it again...NOTHING about this process is easy or convenient.
My mother in law had an appointment this morning. I had hoped to get in with Dr Su during the same time frame so I wouldn't have to make another trip in. No dice...he was in surgery until 3:30pm. I was on his schedule at 3:45pm, checked in about 3:15pm and was in a room by 3:30pm. Then I proceeded to sit there and wait...and wait... They really ought to make the walls thicker because I "got to" sit and listen to the gal in the next room talk about "we found out it is twins!...what will I do with two babies? Is there anything special I should do with twins? (um...buy extra diapers??) etc" It took everything in me to not run in there and punch her in the face. Ugh SOMEBODY shoot me now!! Aaaaaanyhoooo...I knew that Dr Su was in surgery and I knew I more than likely would not be seen until at least 4pm. By 4pm the nurse came back and said that Dr Su was still in surgery and she was told it would probably be after 5:00pm before he would be finished. He was too busy to talk to the nurse at the time so she had no direction for me. Do I wait around til after 5pm? Do I hang out in the area and await his call to see if I should come back? Do I just check in with him tomorrow? We didn't know. I have to appreciate that he was too busy at the time to offer any direction. If I was the patient on the table I would want his undivided attention too. So I decided to go do some shopping and wait for his call. Gotta be honest, I don't "feel" like I'm ovulating so I don't think I'm missing out on anything. Usually, on Clomid I can tell when I'm ovulating but not getting that same feeling this time. I've just been super uncomfortable for about 5 days, getting frequent sharp pains but just feeling the usual "cystic" activity. So I left the office and headed to Babies r Us. Why? cuz I'm a glutton for punishment? No, because my way of coping is to spoil the babies that I DO have in my life...right now that is my niece Quinn. She's not even been born yet but this Auntie is spoiling the crap out of her! So I bought some things for her room and got a little sample bottle of Baby Magic Lotion. I LOVE the smell of that lotion...I seriously get a buzz off of the smell. My kid will be slathered in that stuff!
I was just killing time waiting for the doc to call back. Short story long, he finally called back and said for me to just come in tomorrow for the ultrasound. So I've got to make contact tomorrow on my break. Good thing I work there I guess. The waiting continues...
Gotta go...my buzz is wearing off...time for another hit of lotion...
My mother in law had an appointment this morning. I had hoped to get in with Dr Su during the same time frame so I wouldn't have to make another trip in. No dice...he was in surgery until 3:30pm. I was on his schedule at 3:45pm, checked in about 3:15pm and was in a room by 3:30pm. Then I proceeded to sit there and wait...and wait... They really ought to make the walls thicker because I "got to" sit and listen to the gal in the next room talk about "we found out it is twins!...what will I do with two babies? Is there anything special I should do with twins? (um...buy extra diapers??) etc" It took everything in me to not run in there and punch her in the face. Ugh SOMEBODY shoot me now!! Aaaaaanyhoooo...I knew that Dr Su was in surgery and I knew I more than likely would not be seen until at least 4pm. By 4pm the nurse came back and said that Dr Su was still in surgery and she was told it would probably be after 5:00pm before he would be finished. He was too busy to talk to the nurse at the time so she had no direction for me. Do I wait around til after 5pm? Do I hang out in the area and await his call to see if I should come back? Do I just check in with him tomorrow? We didn't know. I have to appreciate that he was too busy at the time to offer any direction. If I was the patient on the table I would want his undivided attention too. So I decided to go do some shopping and wait for his call. Gotta be honest, I don't "feel" like I'm ovulating so I don't think I'm missing out on anything. Usually, on Clomid I can tell when I'm ovulating but not getting that same feeling this time. I've just been super uncomfortable for about 5 days, getting frequent sharp pains but just feeling the usual "cystic" activity. So I left the office and headed to Babies r Us. Why? cuz I'm a glutton for punishment? No, because my way of coping is to spoil the babies that I DO have in my life...right now that is my niece Quinn. She's not even been born yet but this Auntie is spoiling the crap out of her! So I bought some things for her room and got a little sample bottle of Baby Magic Lotion. I LOVE the smell of that lotion...I seriously get a buzz off of the smell. My kid will be slathered in that stuff!
I was just killing time waiting for the doc to call back. Short story long, he finally called back and said for me to just come in tomorrow for the ultrasound. So I've got to make contact tomorrow on my break. Good thing I work there I guess. The waiting continues...
Gotta go...my buzz is wearing off...time for another hit of lotion...
Monday, July 18, 2011
"Watched Pot" Part 2
Had follow up appointment with Dr Su today. Got scanned again and still not ready. Follicle only grew about .2cm since Friday. I guess I gotta get up to 2cm for it to be viable. Recheck again on Wednesday.
Friday, July 15, 2011
"A Watched Pot Never Boils"
Had my appointment today with Dr Su. He's so awesome! I've heard that most of his patients are fertility patients so I gather this is a science that he pretty much has nailed down to the best of his capability. He's great about getting you in for all the scans and checks that need to be done to see if ovulation is occuring. I'm so appreciative that I don't have to hear "Sorry, there's no appointments available". I know he comes in on weekends and such if that happens to be "the time" for his patients. He's a great doctor and I'm so fortunate to be one of his patients. Anyhow, enough about him...let's talk about me ;)
My appointment was a work-in appointment and I was just supposed to check in when I got off work at 3pm. I was in a room by 3:30! The nurse was SUPER nice and paid attention to a LOT of details (like my latex allergy, which comes into play during the ultrasound). Anyhow so I'm on the table for the ultrasound, which is a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Now "trans-vaginal" must translate to "near the throat" because I swear that's how far up the doc was scanning. Kidding! Don't want to scare any of my friends who may end up having the same processes to follow. Really it's not as uncomfortable as you might imagine...not something I want to go thru every day but it's no HSG (see previous blog). So Dr Su scans and wands my ovaries, measures the follicles and all that. Turns out I have a follicle in play but it's only 1cm. Not sure how big it NEEDS to be but evidently 1cm isn't it. I have to go back on Monday for another ultrasound and if it's the right size then insemination will be Wednesday.
I REALLY wish I could be like most people and just get pregnant the good old fashioned way. I HATE that it's so clinical and planned. I want our baby to be conceived in a night of passion not a clinical setting. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of "want". NOTHING about this is convenient. I have Wednesday off. Cliff however, does not, but on Wednesday it IS kind of required for him to be there. I only have three shots at this...kind of nervous with all the "what-ifs"...
Alright, so....more to come on Monday. Will keep you posted...Get it? Blog? Post? I crack myself up!
Laters ;)
My appointment was a work-in appointment and I was just supposed to check in when I got off work at 3pm. I was in a room by 3:30! The nurse was SUPER nice and paid attention to a LOT of details (like my latex allergy, which comes into play during the ultrasound). Anyhow so I'm on the table for the ultrasound, which is a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Now "trans-vaginal" must translate to "near the throat" because I swear that's how far up the doc was scanning. Kidding! Don't want to scare any of my friends who may end up having the same processes to follow. Really it's not as uncomfortable as you might imagine...not something I want to go thru every day but it's no HSG (see previous blog). So Dr Su scans and wands my ovaries, measures the follicles and all that. Turns out I have a follicle in play but it's only 1cm. Not sure how big it NEEDS to be but evidently 1cm isn't it. I have to go back on Monday for another ultrasound and if it's the right size then insemination will be Wednesday.
I REALLY wish I could be like most people and just get pregnant the good old fashioned way. I HATE that it's so clinical and planned. I want our baby to be conceived in a night of passion not a clinical setting. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of "want". NOTHING about this is convenient. I have Wednesday off. Cliff however, does not, but on Wednesday it IS kind of required for him to be there. I only have three shots at this...kind of nervous with all the "what-ifs"...
Alright, so....more to come on Monday. Will keep you posted...Get it? Blog? Post? I crack myself up!
Laters ;)
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Hot Flashes...Blurred Vision...and Tears! Oh My!!
Ok, so as with any medication there are side effects to the Clomid that I'm taking. I am on the maximum "recommended" dosage which is 200mg.
The side effects are:
Then there's the blurred vision...the best way I can described it is like when we were kids and would blindfold each other for a game, you remove the blindfold and it takes a minute for your eyes to focus...PLUS when you have pictures done at a family function and it's like you're related to the paparazzi. The flashbulbs stop but the flashes don't *-* Yeah...It's like that EVERY time I blink.
And the last side effect I'll mention for today is the mood swings. I'm coming off of an AMAZING NKOTB experience (highest of highs for me!) and my brother's dog is missing and has been for a week now (lowest of lows). I feel like I'm frikkin bi-polar or something! It's been so hard with my brother's dog missing. My sister in law is 8+ months pregnant. I know she's not sleeping well (I wouldn't be!), not eating well, and she's profoundly sad. I'm SO sad for them. I've been trying to help but we're at a point where there really doesn't seem to be much we can do anymore. We've done the posters, the calls and visits to shelters and vet offices, canvasing the neighborhood. We've had leads, sightings, prank calls, and just plain jerks and even worse, NO calls :( ...more highs and lows. I stopped at the pound again today, praying that Shia's in there and I can just walk out with her. I walk in and check the book of animals..."tan and white Chihuahua" (HIGH!!) "male" (low). Then I walk thru the kennels that hold the strays that have been brought in. I ease up on each kennel hoping that I'll see her little nose popping thru the gate. I walked out disappointed and so very sad...heartbroken. I drove around their neighborhood again hoping for a sighting...anything. Again came up empty-handed. I'm sure that the medications only compound the sadness and disappointment. I cried the whole way home :'( I want so badly to have Shia back at home where she belongs so my brother and his wife can be happy and joyful with their daughter's impending arrival. This should be the greatest month of their lives and they are not able to enjoy it :/
Sorry, got a little off track there. It's just THAT's the foremost thought in our minds lately.
So here I sit sweating, blind, on an emotional roller-coaster...with two more doses of Clomid to take.
Dr's Appointment tomorrow afternoon to see if the Clomid is working to induce ovulation. *fingers crossed
The side effects are:
- multiples pregnancy (twins, triplets)<- this one is my favorite and the side effect I hope for :)
- Hot Flashes
- Bloating, Abdominal Discomfort
- Weight Gain
- Mood Swings
- Nausea, Dizziness
- Headaches
- Abnormal Menstrual Bleeding
- Breast Tenderness
- Vaginal Dryness or Thickened Cervical Fluid
- Blurred Vision
- Ovarian Cysts (how's THAT for irony)
- Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS)
Then there's the blurred vision...the best way I can described it is like when we were kids and would blindfold each other for a game, you remove the blindfold and it takes a minute for your eyes to focus...PLUS when you have pictures done at a family function and it's like you're related to the paparazzi. The flashbulbs stop but the flashes don't *-* Yeah...It's like that EVERY time I blink.
And the last side effect I'll mention for today is the mood swings. I'm coming off of an AMAZING NKOTB experience (highest of highs for me!) and my brother's dog is missing and has been for a week now (lowest of lows). I feel like I'm frikkin bi-polar or something! It's been so hard with my brother's dog missing. My sister in law is 8+ months pregnant. I know she's not sleeping well (I wouldn't be!), not eating well, and she's profoundly sad. I'm SO sad for them. I've been trying to help but we're at a point where there really doesn't seem to be much we can do anymore. We've done the posters, the calls and visits to shelters and vet offices, canvasing the neighborhood. We've had leads, sightings, prank calls, and just plain jerks and even worse, NO calls :( ...more highs and lows. I stopped at the pound again today, praying that Shia's in there and I can just walk out with her. I walk in and check the book of animals..."tan and white Chihuahua" (HIGH!!) "male" (low). Then I walk thru the kennels that hold the strays that have been brought in. I ease up on each kennel hoping that I'll see her little nose popping thru the gate. I walked out disappointed and so very sad...heartbroken. I drove around their neighborhood again hoping for a sighting...anything. Again came up empty-handed. I'm sure that the medications only compound the sadness and disappointment. I cried the whole way home :'( I want so badly to have Shia back at home where she belongs so my brother and his wife can be happy and joyful with their daughter's impending arrival. This should be the greatest month of their lives and they are not able to enjoy it :/
Sorry, got a little off track there. It's just THAT's the foremost thought in our minds lately.
So here I sit sweating, blind, on an emotional roller-coaster...with two more doses of Clomid to take.
Dr's Appointment tomorrow afternoon to see if the Clomid is working to induce ovulation. *fingers crossed
Monday, July 11, 2011
And So It Begins...
I had said I was taking a break from all the fertility stuff and would try again after my birthday. Well my birthday is August 10. The earliest I could get an appointment with the Group Health "specialist" was August 26th. (He's just a regular Ob/Gyn but he will do the "basic" infertility stuff like intra-uterine inseminations "IUI") Since my appointment was so far away and it's been nearly 10 years since we went this route, I called to see if there were any tests that I could do beforehand. Our first go-round I had to do ultrasounds and a lovely little procedure call a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). An HSG is where they jack you open like the Grand Canyon and shoot dye into your fallopian tubes under a fluoroscope to see if there are any blockages in the tubes. Anyhow, I was hoping that if these tests needed to be repeated due to the length of time in between, that I could get them out of the way while waiting for my appointment. The doctor called me Sunday night to answer my question. Thankfully the answer was "NO" I did not need to repeat that particular test. He agreed with my plan of trying IUI's for up to three more tries. He also said "I was supposed to be off this week but I'm actually back in clinic tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I have an opening. Could you come in at 10:30?" You mean, can I run downstairs on my lunch break to get the ball rolling?? Um HECK YEAH!
Now the first time we did fertility stuff it took months to titrate up to a dose of Clomid that actually made me ovulate, which ended up being the maximum dose. This time Dr Su did an ultrasound to check my ovaries, ordered a blood pregnancy test to insure that I'm not pregnant before starting the meds and ordered the maximum dose of the meds for me without making me wait the titration period.
Soooo, at this moment I'm not sure what to do! I still haven't gotten the results of the pregnancy test and he wanted me to start the meds tonight. I'm 99.9999999999999999% sure I'm not pregnant but what if? Guess I'll call first thing in the morning to see if I should go ahead and start. I HATE not starting the meds tonight. I'm ready to get this process in motion!!! I have a follow up ultrasound on Friday to see if the meds worked then we go from there. *Fingers crossed :)
Now the first time we did fertility stuff it took months to titrate up to a dose of Clomid that actually made me ovulate, which ended up being the maximum dose. This time Dr Su did an ultrasound to check my ovaries, ordered a blood pregnancy test to insure that I'm not pregnant before starting the meds and ordered the maximum dose of the meds for me without making me wait the titration period.
Soooo, at this moment I'm not sure what to do! I still haven't gotten the results of the pregnancy test and he wanted me to start the meds tonight. I'm 99.9999999999999999% sure I'm not pregnant but what if? Guess I'll call first thing in the morning to see if I should go ahead and start. I HATE not starting the meds tonight. I'm ready to get this process in motion!!! I have a follow up ultrasound on Friday to see if the meds worked then we go from there. *Fingers crossed :)
Friday, June 24, 2011
My Resignation
"Are you quitting?" "Is she sick or something?" "Did something happen?"...These are questions that I've heard this week regarding my decision to step down from the Lead Receptionist position at work. It was NOT an easy decision for me. I loved that job and really liked the other Leads that I worked with.
The decision came after much thought and consideration, weighing pros and cons. For those who don't know, I am a part time employee. I work only 30 hours a week doing a job that for me, clearly required the full 40 hour work week. The job specifications are that of a "working lead" meaning that I do the work AND have additional duties added. More recently I found it increasingly difficult to find that balance between managing the work and doing the work. In my desire to focus and excel in my job and in my personal life (with having a baby) i found that I couldn't focus or excel in either. At work, I felt like I was consistently dropping the ball, forgetting to do something, or just plain didn't have the time to do it. I would rather do one thing well than to do many things half-assed. With the feelings of failure this week in the "baby department" I was just overwhelmed when the feelings of failure at work came up too. I'm tired of feeling like I just suck at everything I do lately. I want to be able to do a good job in whatever I do. It's not fair to the team I lead or to my fellow Leads if I am not able to do a good job and they have to pick up any slack. This is why I stepped down from the position. I want to be able to focus and get back to being the best darn referral coordinator I can be.
Anyhow, I attended my last Leads meeting today and had the opportunity to tell the other leads what a pleasure it's been to work with them in this capacity for the last few years. I'll say it again, those guys are THE best team I've ever worked with and I'm so appreciative of the opportunity I had to work with them as Lead. I look forward to continuing to work with them, in this different capacity
The decision came after much thought and consideration, weighing pros and cons. For those who don't know, I am a part time employee. I work only 30 hours a week doing a job that for me, clearly required the full 40 hour work week. The job specifications are that of a "working lead" meaning that I do the work AND have additional duties added. More recently I found it increasingly difficult to find that balance between managing the work and doing the work. In my desire to focus and excel in my job and in my personal life (with having a baby) i found that I couldn't focus or excel in either. At work, I felt like I was consistently dropping the ball, forgetting to do something, or just plain didn't have the time to do it. I would rather do one thing well than to do many things half-assed. With the feelings of failure this week in the "baby department" I was just overwhelmed when the feelings of failure at work came up too. I'm tired of feeling like I just suck at everything I do lately. I want to be able to do a good job in whatever I do. It's not fair to the team I lead or to my fellow Leads if I am not able to do a good job and they have to pick up any slack. This is why I stepped down from the position. I want to be able to focus and get back to being the best darn referral coordinator I can be.
Anyhow, I attended my last Leads meeting today and had the opportunity to tell the other leads what a pleasure it's been to work with them in this capacity for the last few years. I'll say it again, those guys are THE best team I've ever worked with and I'm so appreciative of the opportunity I had to work with them as Lead. I look forward to continuing to work with them, in this different capacity
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Failure Day...I mean Father's Day
Well...Who woulda thunk it...turns out Father's Day sucks just as much as Mother's Day does for me. We started off the day going to visit our old church for it's 50th Anniversary. A LOT of memories (not all good), feelings and emotions cropped up just being there and seeing some familiar faces. I was feeling SUPER emotional even before we got there and did ok (didn't cry) until later. Of course, they had to recognize the fathers that were there and I felt like crawling under the pew as it seemed that my husband was the only one not standing to be recognized as a dad. Again I felt like I'd failed since I couldn't give him a child. I know I'm more affected by it than he is. I think he's ok just being the two of us...if a baby came along great! If not? Ok, it's just the two of us...no big deal. I don't think that he thinks I've failed him, but it's how I feel.
For those who don't know much about PCOS one of my major symptoms is what I call "permanent PMS" My hormones don't fluctuate like they should so I'm constantly moody, bloated, crampy etc. For the ladies, all those symptoms that you feel the week before starting your period? Well that's every day for me... Guys, you know how crabby and irritable your lady is during that time? Cliff lives with it every day. So, emotions aside, I was feeling like my insides were gonna just POP! If I moved a certain way I got twinges of pains and "uncomfortable" sensations. And THEN...on top of that there's the frustration of not having a cycle despite the acupuncture and his prescription of nasty herbal tea I've been drinking. PCOS is very exhausting at times...emotionally, physically...it just sucks.
I started crying when I saw my brother in his "New Dad" shirt that I'd bought him. While I'm so happy for him and excited that he gets to have that title, I couldn't help the pangs of jealousy I felt, again feeling like I sucked as a wife because my husband doesn't have that same title.
I didn't call my dad because I was so emotional I know I would've spent the whole time crying. I know I should've called and been happy that I have the capability of talking with him. So many people are not able to talk to their dad's on Father's Day for one reason or another. I'm blessed that my dad is still around.
We had been invited to BBQ with some friends but i declined the invitation. I didn't think I'd be able to hold it together that long. I was right.
Instead, I spent my afternoon in self pity and dreading going back to work (I'd been on staycation the week before). This is not the job that I've dreamed of. I want to be a stay at home wife and mother. I thought of how my birthday is coming up. I will be 35 and THIS is NOT what I wanted my life to look like when I turned 35. Again, my dreams and hopes seem so elusive...just out of reach. That night as I slipped into bed, the emotions of the day just washed over me and I couldn't stop crying...again.
Looking forward to the day when I can celebrate Father's Day with my husband instead of feeling like I've failed him.
For those who don't know much about PCOS one of my major symptoms is what I call "permanent PMS" My hormones don't fluctuate like they should so I'm constantly moody, bloated, crampy etc. For the ladies, all those symptoms that you feel the week before starting your period? Well that's every day for me... Guys, you know how crabby and irritable your lady is during that time? Cliff lives with it every day. So, emotions aside, I was feeling like my insides were gonna just POP! If I moved a certain way I got twinges of pains and "uncomfortable" sensations. And THEN...on top of that there's the frustration of not having a cycle despite the acupuncture and his prescription of nasty herbal tea I've been drinking. PCOS is very exhausting at times...emotionally, physically...it just sucks.
I started crying when I saw my brother in his "New Dad" shirt that I'd bought him. While I'm so happy for him and excited that he gets to have that title, I couldn't help the pangs of jealousy I felt, again feeling like I sucked as a wife because my husband doesn't have that same title.
I didn't call my dad because I was so emotional I know I would've spent the whole time crying. I know I should've called and been happy that I have the capability of talking with him. So many people are not able to talk to their dad's on Father's Day for one reason or another. I'm blessed that my dad is still around.
We had been invited to BBQ with some friends but i declined the invitation. I didn't think I'd be able to hold it together that long. I was right.
Instead, I spent my afternoon in self pity and dreading going back to work (I'd been on staycation the week before). This is not the job that I've dreamed of. I want to be a stay at home wife and mother. I thought of how my birthday is coming up. I will be 35 and THIS is NOT what I wanted my life to look like when I turned 35. Again, my dreams and hopes seem so elusive...just out of reach. That night as I slipped into bed, the emotions of the day just washed over me and I couldn't stop crying...again.
Looking forward to the day when I can celebrate Father's Day with my husband instead of feeling like I've failed him.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Just Me...Broken and Poured Out
Originally posted to Facebook on Feb 24, 2011
Disclaimer, Forewarning, whatever you want to call it: This a probably the most rambling, self-centered, whiney, "poor ol' me" post I've ever written. It addresses my daily struggles and things I "complain" about all the time. If you're tired of hearing about it or tired of reading my rambling thoughts...then read no further. (oh and there may be some TMI included in this) It is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings or for them to feel like I'm calling them out. This note is not directed at any person so please don't take this personally. It's just the culmination of all the things I've dealt with for the last 10 years or so. (this note was written over the course of a few days, so when I reference "today" that may not specifically be today)
I have this thing where I let little things build up until something totally unrelated sets me off and I blow up at whoever's closest at the time. Well I'm almost at that point so before I freaking lose my mind and go off on someone, I'm venting. I don't want your pity or "i'm sorry's", or advice nor do I need your judgment. This is how i feel and I know it's self centered and not "focusing on God" but again...this is how I feel. So here goes...
I want to have children...Lots of them. If you don't know this about me then we've just met. From the time I was a toddler and would shield my precious babydoll in my coat, I knew I wanted to be a mom. BUT I suffer (and I do mean suffer) from infertility. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) which seems to be the most likely culprit for my infertility. I struggle EVERY day with it. Almost every morning I wake to a pillow damp with the tears I cried the night before. I have to talk myself out of bed lately when i really just want to lay there and not face the day. I wake to an emptiness in the depth of me that can't be filled. Often I feel so empty I physically ache. I get headaches and muscle aches...heartaches and sometimes depression. There are days where I can't stop crying. Today happens to be one of those days. I drag myself to the shower and force myself to go thru the motions of my day. Every day I face people who cheerfully say "Hi! How are you?" I often smile and say "I'm fine. Thank you for asking" when what I really want to say is "Do you REALLY want me to answer that?!" Do you want to hear how I cried myself to sleep again last night? Do you want to hear about how I'm forcing a smile right now just so I don't burst into tears? Do you want to hear about how my fertility treatment failed yet again? Do you want to hear about how all I can think about is babies? Do you want to hear about how alone I feel in my heartache? How I fear that I'll be the "crazy old lady with 50 chihuahuas"? How I worry that today will be the day that I can no longer hold it together and just lose my mind? How about the fact that I've seen the logic in the thinking of a "cutter"? Everything I see and do EVERY day is with my future,ever elusive child in mind. And you thought I obsessed over NKOTB!? Right now at this moment in my life I am literally the only person I know who doesn't have a child or is currently pregnant. They all say "We're weren't even trying!" or "this was our first month trying" I've been trying for nearly 10 years now. I've seen specialists who've told me that because of my condition it is 100 times harder for me to lose weight than the average person and in the same breath told me I was too fat to get pregnant. We've done 2 intra-uterine inseminations and medications. (The meds could explain why I frikkin cry all the time) Well meaning friends say things like "It's in God's timing" "Don't worry, you're still young" "have you thought about adoption" "well just stop thinking about it...it will happen" Right now my brother and his wife are expecting their first child. I've actually had people say "See! You prayed and asked God for a baby and here it comes!" Now let me be clear...I am thoroughly excited for my brother and his wife and I already love that baby with every fiber of my being and will do ANYTHING for him/her BUT it's not my baby. I'm not angry at my friends and family for doing what is natural and starting a family. Now here's where I don't need your condemnation...I am angry at God, SO very angry. (and here's where the TMI pops in) I have a hard time believing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made when I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror and when my body betrays me every cycle. Is it too much to ask to have just one normal cycle?!? I've had people tell me "Ugh you are so lucky! You don't have periods" yeah...well...when you're trying to get pregnant they come in pretty handy. I've also had people tell me that I need to face the facts, mourn the child that I will never have, go thru the grieving process and move on with my life. I refuse to mourn because I know one day I will be celebrating.
People who don't have to deal with these circumstances have NO clue how I feel nearly every day of my life. Everybody thinks all i care about is the next NKOTB concert. Most people don't know the heartache that follows me every day. When you see a story about a baby left in a dumpster or a child who's been beaten to death by their parents and you think "oh that's so sad" and go about your day, it stops me in my tracks. I get so angry I tremble and often times I get physically ill. I would've given that baby a good home and so much love. I would've been a GREAT mom to that baby. Why couldn't God have let me have it? I've been the target of judgment. I've had people close to me who should be support for me tell me to "suck it up" and quit feeling sorry for myself..."You should be happy for them! You've got a good life". I know I have a nice new car, some nice jewelry, a good house etc but I would trade all of that and live in a cardboard box if it meant that I could have a child. I don't want people to think that I feel horrible every day but I do think about this every day. Some days I'm okay and I can smile and mean it.
I don't want people to walk on egg shells around me or think that they can't talk about their children/pregnancies for fear I'll go postal or something. I've dealt with it for a while now and will continue plugging along. I am truly happy for you and feel that you are so blessed. DO NOT take that blessing for granted. DO NOT forget to thank God for the child you've been blessed with.
After 6 months of more failed fertility treatments and after consulting my doctors, I've decided to take a break from the medications. It's caused a lot of stress for me and I'm just plain sick of crying all the time. I will use this break to focus on my weight loss and releasing some of my stressers. I need to be in a good frame of mind and at a healthier weight for when we try again.
I struggled with whether or not to even post this...that maybe i should just keep it as a private note to vent but I've always been very open about my infertility, if only to quell any questions like "So when are YOU going to have kids?"
Infertility is something I face every day. I think about it constantly. If you should ever think about me I would welcome/appreciate any prayers offered on my behalf. Thank you if you took the time to read this.
Disclaimer, Forewarning, whatever you want to call it: This a probably the most rambling, self-centered, whiney, "poor ol' me" post I've ever written. It addresses my daily struggles and things I "complain" about all the time. If you're tired of hearing about it or tired of reading my rambling thoughts...then read no further. (oh and there may be some TMI included in this) It is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings or for them to feel like I'm calling them out. This note is not directed at any person so please don't take this personally. It's just the culmination of all the things I've dealt with for the last 10 years or so. (this note was written over the course of a few days, so when I reference "today" that may not specifically be today)
I have this thing where I let little things build up until something totally unrelated sets me off and I blow up at whoever's closest at the time. Well I'm almost at that point so before I freaking lose my mind and go off on someone, I'm venting. I don't want your pity or "i'm sorry's", or advice nor do I need your judgment. This is how i feel and I know it's self centered and not "focusing on God" but again...this is how I feel. So here goes...
I want to have children...Lots of them. If you don't know this about me then we've just met. From the time I was a toddler and would shield my precious babydoll in my coat, I knew I wanted to be a mom. BUT I suffer (and I do mean suffer) from infertility. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) which seems to be the most likely culprit for my infertility. I struggle EVERY day with it. Almost every morning I wake to a pillow damp with the tears I cried the night before. I have to talk myself out of bed lately when i really just want to lay there and not face the day. I wake to an emptiness in the depth of me that can't be filled. Often I feel so empty I physically ache. I get headaches and muscle aches...heartaches and sometimes depression. There are days where I can't stop crying. Today happens to be one of those days. I drag myself to the shower and force myself to go thru the motions of my day. Every day I face people who cheerfully say "Hi! How are you?" I often smile and say "I'm fine. Thank you for asking" when what I really want to say is "Do you REALLY want me to answer that?!" Do you want to hear how I cried myself to sleep again last night? Do you want to hear about how I'm forcing a smile right now just so I don't burst into tears? Do you want to hear about how my fertility treatment failed yet again? Do you want to hear about how all I can think about is babies? Do you want to hear about how alone I feel in my heartache? How I fear that I'll be the "crazy old lady with 50 chihuahuas"? How I worry that today will be the day that I can no longer hold it together and just lose my mind? How about the fact that I've seen the logic in the thinking of a "cutter"? Everything I see and do EVERY day is with my future,ever elusive child in mind. And you thought I obsessed over NKOTB!? Right now at this moment in my life I am literally the only person I know who doesn't have a child or is currently pregnant. They all say "We're weren't even trying!" or "this was our first month trying" I've been trying for nearly 10 years now. I've seen specialists who've told me that because of my condition it is 100 times harder for me to lose weight than the average person and in the same breath told me I was too fat to get pregnant. We've done 2 intra-uterine inseminations and medications. (The meds could explain why I frikkin cry all the time) Well meaning friends say things like "It's in God's timing" "Don't worry, you're still young" "have you thought about adoption" "well just stop thinking about it...it will happen" Right now my brother and his wife are expecting their first child. I've actually had people say "See! You prayed and asked God for a baby and here it comes!" Now let me be clear...I am thoroughly excited for my brother and his wife and I already love that baby with every fiber of my being and will do ANYTHING for him/her BUT it's not my baby. I'm not angry at my friends and family for doing what is natural and starting a family. Now here's where I don't need your condemnation...I am angry at God, SO very angry. (and here's where the TMI pops in) I have a hard time believing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made when I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror and when my body betrays me every cycle. Is it too much to ask to have just one normal cycle?!? I've had people tell me "Ugh you are so lucky! You don't have periods" yeah...well...when you're trying to get pregnant they come in pretty handy. I've also had people tell me that I need to face the facts, mourn the child that I will never have, go thru the grieving process and move on with my life. I refuse to mourn because I know one day I will be celebrating.
People who don't have to deal with these circumstances have NO clue how I feel nearly every day of my life. Everybody thinks all i care about is the next NKOTB concert. Most people don't know the heartache that follows me every day. When you see a story about a baby left in a dumpster or a child who's been beaten to death by their parents and you think "oh that's so sad" and go about your day, it stops me in my tracks. I get so angry I tremble and often times I get physically ill. I would've given that baby a good home and so much love. I would've been a GREAT mom to that baby. Why couldn't God have let me have it? I've been the target of judgment. I've had people close to me who should be support for me tell me to "suck it up" and quit feeling sorry for myself..."You should be happy for them! You've got a good life". I know I have a nice new car, some nice jewelry, a good house etc but I would trade all of that and live in a cardboard box if it meant that I could have a child. I don't want people to think that I feel horrible every day but I do think about this every day. Some days I'm okay and I can smile and mean it.
I don't want people to walk on egg shells around me or think that they can't talk about their children/pregnancies for fear I'll go postal or something. I've dealt with it for a while now and will continue plugging along. I am truly happy for you and feel that you are so blessed. DO NOT take that blessing for granted. DO NOT forget to thank God for the child you've been blessed with.
After 6 months of more failed fertility treatments and after consulting my doctors, I've decided to take a break from the medications. It's caused a lot of stress for me and I'm just plain sick of crying all the time. I will use this break to focus on my weight loss and releasing some of my stressers. I need to be in a good frame of mind and at a healthier weight for when we try again.
I struggled with whether or not to even post this...that maybe i should just keep it as a private note to vent but I've always been very open about my infertility, if only to quell any questions like "So when are YOU going to have kids?"
Infertility is something I face every day. I think about it constantly. If you should ever think about me I would welcome/appreciate any prayers offered on my behalf. Thank you if you took the time to read this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)